..: Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch :..
So Remy and Kurt were having a blast sailing out on the Interceptor…NOT! So since they were both bored shiyatless, Kurt started talking about his past. "Vhen I vas a lad living in Germany, I vas blissfully unaware of my real mother. Then I moved here to come looking for her."
"Pourquoi?" Remy asked.
"I don't know," Kurt said. "Vill's story doesn't match vith mine!"
"Good point," Remy said, and walked away. Then realization hit Kurt.
"Hey!" he said. "You knew my mother, didn't you?"
"Aren't y' perceptive," Remy muttered. "Oui, Remy knew her. One of de few dat knew her as Raven Darkholme."
"Not really," Kurt said. "Just about everyone who vent to Bayville High knew that."
"Work wit' Remy here," Remy said irritable.
"Sorry," Kurt said.
"Everyone else just called her Mystique," Remy said.
Kurt thought for a moment. "Vhere'd they get Mystique from Raven Darkhome?" he asked
"Why must y' insist on makin' dis difficult for Remy?" Remy demanded.
Kurt shrugged.
Remy rolled his eyes, but continued. "She was a bonne lady. Bonne pirate."
"It's not true!" Kurt said. "She was a…" he trailed off. "Actually, her being a pirate sounds much cooler."
"Dat's what Remy t'ought," Remy said smugly, turning to the wheel. "Mais y'r supposed to be mad at moi."
"Right." Kurt drew his sword. "My mother vas not a pirate!" he said.
Remy didn't even turn around. "Put it away, fils. It's not wort' y' getting' beat again."
"You ignored the rules of engagement," Kurt said. Rules, schmules. "In a fair fight, I'd kill you."
"Well, dat's not much incentive for moi to fight fair, now, is it?" Remy said, and turned the wheel so the boom swung around. It caught Kurt along the way, so that he dangled over the water. Remy picked up Kurt's sword. "Now as long as y'r just hangin' dere, pay attention," he said. "De only rules dat matter are dese. What a man can do, et what a man can' do. For instance, y' can accept dat y'r mother was a pirate et a bonne lady…not really…or y' can'. Pirate is in y'r blood, so y'll have to square avec dat someday. Now moi, for example. Remy can let y' drown. Main Remy can' bring dis ship into Tortuga all by me onesy, d'accord? So." Remy spun the wheel again so that Kurt landed right on his ass. Remy pointed the sword at Kurt. "Can y' sail under de command of a pirate?" He flipped the sword so the handle was facing Kurt. "Ou can y' not?"
Kurt took the sword. "Tortuga?" he asked.
"Tortuga," Remy said.
Tortuga!
Oh yes, lovely town. Since I don't care to describe it, picture in your minds the ride from Disneyland. Or the scene from the movie. Either one works, I believe.
Remy and Kurt came strolling in. Well, Remy strolled while Kurt walked like he was a 3rd grader in a room full of girls during Cootie Season. "More importantly," Remy was saying. "It is indeed a sad life dat has never breathed deep dis sweet bouquet dat is Tortuga, d'accord? What do y' t'ink?"
Kurt glanced down at a nearby drunk who was covered in beer both inside and out, and guzzling still more. "It'll linger," he said.
"Remy tell y', homme," Remy said. "If every town in de world were like dis one, no man would ever feel unwanted." He saw Jean walking toward him, looking pretty P.O.'d. "Jean!" he said, then winced. "Dat sounds so wrong."
Agreed.
Jean slapped him and walked away snootily. "Not sure Remy deserved dat," Remy said, then saw Tabitha. "Tabitha!" he said.
"Who was she?" Tabitah said.
"Quoi?" Remy said.
Tabitha slapped him. "Remy may have deserved dat," Remy said.
"SWAMP RAT!"
"Dat can't be good," Remy muttered, wincing as Rogue came marching over.
"Are yah cheatin' on meh, Swamp Rat?" Rogue demanded.
"Uh-"
"'Cuz if yah are, at least have the decency to do it with someone worth cheatin' on with," Rogue continued.
"Re-"
"Ah mean, Ah can sort of understand Tabby, but come on, JEAN of all people?" Rogue ranted.
"Mais – Remy – y' – de – it's –" Remy gave up at the look on Rogue's face. "Je t'adore?" he tried.
Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch. Something tells me Remy would've preferred Hawaiian Punch…
Sleeping With The Pigs…
Yep. Logan was sleeping with the pigs. Talk about letting yourself go.
Remy threw a bucket of water on him, and he sat up immediately, pointing his claws at them. "Curse you for breathing, you slack-jawed idiot!" he yelled, then saw Remy. "Oh, it's just you. You should know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. It's bad luck."
"Fortunately, Remy know how to counter it. De man who did de wakin' buys de man who was sleepin' a drink. De man who was sleepin' drinks whole listening to a proposition from do man who did de wakin'."
Logan looked confused for a moment, then nodded. "That'll work." Remy helped him up, and Kurt threw another bucket of water on him. "I'm already awake, Elf!" he yelled.
"That vas for the smell," Kurt said.
In A Tavern…
Remy bought the drinks and walked by Kurt, who was leaning against a pillar. "Keep a sharp eye," he said, and walked on to where Logan was sitting.
"So, Gumbo," Logan said. "What's the nature of this venture of yers?"
"Remy's going after de Pearl." Logan choked on his drink. "Remy know où it's goin' to be, et Remy's goin' to take it."
"Gumbo," Logan said. "It's a fool's errand. You know better than me the tales of the Black Pearl."
"Dat's why Remy know what Magneto's up to," Remy said. "All Remy need is a crew."
"From what I hear of Magneto," Logan said. "He's not a man to suffer fools, nor strike a bargain with one."
"Well, Remy'd say it's a good t'ing Remy's not a fool."
"Prove me wrong," Logan said. "What makes you think Barbossa'll give up his ship to you?"
"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage," Remy said.
Kurt whipped his head around. "Did he just say it's a matter of cleavage?"
"Leverage, not cleavage," Logan said to Kurt. "And get yer mind out of the gutter, Elf."
"Sorry." Kurt turned back.
Remy jerked his head at Logan. "Huh?" Logan said. Three very obvious head-jerks later, Logan finally caught on. He glanced over to where a very drunk Jean was trying to flirt with Kurt. Keyword: Trying. "The elf?" Logan said.
Remy nodded. "Dat is de child of Mystique. Her only child, d'accord?"
"Not really," Logan said.
"Her only livin' child," Remy said. Logan opened his mouth. "Who's blood-related," Remy added. Logan closed his mouth.
"'Leverage' says you," Logan said. "'I think I feel a change in the wind', says I. I'll find us a crew. There's bound to be some sailors on this rock as crazy as you."
"One can only hope," Remy said. "Take what y' can."
"Give nothing back," Logan said. They clinked their mugs together, drank them, and slammed them down at exactly the same time.
Aboard The Black Pearl…
Ooh, look! The moon's shining! Wait, but how is it a full moon two nights in a row? Whatever…
Evan and Scott came walking into Kitty's cabin with a dress. No, NOT the French Maid dress, that's just cruel and demeaning.
"Thank you!" Evan said.
I was talking about on Kitty.
"Damn!" Scott said.
"You'll be dining with the captain," Evan said sullenly. "And he requests you wear this."
"Well," Kitty said. "You can tell the captain that I'm, like, disinclined to acquiesce to his request."
"He said you'd say that," Evan said. "He also said if that's the case, you'll be dining with the crew. And you'll be naked." Scott giggled idiotically.
Kitty glared at them and grabbed the dress. "Fine," Evan said.
"Perverts!" Kitty shot back.
Dinnertime!
Some SJMs set up the food while Rob lit the candles. Oh yeah, he's doing a TON of work.
Ooh, look at all the food! There was: bread, drumsticks, berries, apples, fish, and the crowning glory: an entire pig, just staring at you with its beady little eyes…I don't even want to THINK of how they preserve those things on a ship. Now pardon me while I go retch. Just kidding! I hate throwing up. But really, ew ew ew ew EW! I mean, seriously. The skin is WRINKLED, for Sam's sake! (Yes, I swear to the New Recruits…plus Forge) And those ears…the eyes…the skin is WRINKLED! It's not even properly cooked! FOOD POISONING, I TELL YA! Glad I don't gotta eat that.
Magneto, however, did. "Haha!" Bobby said, rolling around on the floor. "You have to eat Kitty's cooking!"
"No, I made the tofu," Kitty said, pointing at the harmless-looking tofu.
"Oh," Bobby said. Then he started laughing at Kitty. "Haha!" he said. "You have to eat Kitty's cooking!"
Sam leaned in. "Yah do know yah're talking to Kitty, right?" he said.
Bobby looked back at Kitty. "Oops."
Tortugian Punch – Contains 5 Percent Bitch. Oh yeah, but in Bobby's case, multiply that by a pretty large number. Result – A Bobby in a Body Cast. Poor dude…
So anyway, Kitty was eating all daintily. One half-inch square piece of tofu at a time!
Magneto looked at her oddly. Probably because it took her ten minutes to eat a teaspoon-sized piece of tofu. "There's no need to stand on ceremony or call to impress," he said. "You must be hungry."
Kitty glanced at him, then shrugged and grabbed a tomato, biting into it like an apple. That's the best way to eat tomatoes! Unless it's straight out of the fridge and totally freezes your teeth when you bite into it…
Anyway, Kitty grabbed a piece of bread, taking a huge bite out of that, too. Magneto just stared at her while he poured the wine, then offered the cup to her. "Try the wine."
"I'm, like, underage," Kitty said.
Magneto gave her a Look.
Kitty shrugged and grabbed the wine. Magneto held out an apple. "And the apples. One of those next?" he suggested.
Kitty glanced at Monkey Dude, who stared solemnly back at her; then at the apple, which did absolutely nothing except stay green; then back at Magneto. "It's poisoned!" she said. Yes, poisoning a whole apple, with the skin still on it, is much easier that pouring some in the wine. Kitty has excellent logic.
Magneto chuckled. "There would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Wagner," he said.
"Then, like, release me," Kitty said. "You have your trinket. I'm of no further value to you."
"Well, one of my Acolytes is currently in love with you," Magneto said.
Pyro popped in. "Wrong parody-verse, Magsy," he said.
"Do not call me Magsy!" Magneto thundered.
Pyro cackled. "Make me!" he said, and began playing with his lighter. His all-metal lighter. Right in front of Magneto. Idiot.
Of course Magneto used his magnetic manipulating powers to crush the lighter into a metal lump…and Pietro ran and hung it from a noose on Little Lighter Boulder.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro yelled for ten minutes straight. Then Jamie took pity on him and gave him a plastic lighter, stolen from the pimple-covered buck-toothed teen at Coldstone. Pyro immediately started cackling madly and made fire-butterflies…until Wanda hexed away his lighter two seconds later. Poor dude.
Oh well, back to the parody! Magneto pulled out The Medallion (DMP). "You don't know what this is, do you?" he said.
"It's a pirate medallion," Kitty said.
"This is Aztec gold," Magneto said. "One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortés himself. Blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortés was insatiable, so the heathen gods placed upon the gold a terrible curse. Any mortal that removes but a single pice from that stone chest shall be punished for eternity." (Darth Vader music plays)
"I, like, hardly believe in ghost stories anymore, Magsy," Kitty said.
One of Magneto's eyes twitched. "That's exactly what I thought when we were first told the tale. Buried on an island of dead except for those who know where it is. Find it, we did. There be the chest. Inside be the gold. I resent talking in broken phrases and improper English. And we took them all. We spent them and traded them and frittered them away on drink and food on pleasurable food and company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize, the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Wagner. Compelled by greed, we were, but now we are consumed by it. Are you even listening!"
Kitty jerked her head up from where it had fallen on the table. "What? I'm awake! Yeah, yeah, something about you, like, really being rotting skeletons covered in turkey jerky texture (1) and looking pretty crappy for your age…but it's only, like, shown in the moonlight because the curse is weird like that, and none of you can die even if you, like, get shot in the face, and that's the final piece and you need the blood of a descendant of Mystique a.k.a. Raven Darkholme to, like, lift the curse so you can go on your merry way and eat a bushel of apples, and you marooned Captain Remy LeBeau on a godforsaken island except he got off it with the rumrunners, and you killed Mystique a.k.a. Raven Darkholme because she thought it was wrong that you marooned Captain Remy LeBeau on a godforsaken spit of land."
Magneto blinked. "I didn't say any of that."
Kitty shrugged. She really had no clue what she had just said, because if she did, then the parody would be boringly over.
While Magneto was busy rolling his eyes, she hid a butter knife under her napkin. "There is one way we can end our curse," Magneto said, giving the piece to Monkey Dude. "All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored and the blood repaid. Thanks to you, we have the final piece."
"And the blood to, like, be repaid?" Kitty asked apprehensively.
"That's why there's no sense to be killing you…" Magneto said, pausing dramatically for effect. "…yet." He held out the apple again. "Apple?"
Kitty slapped the apple out of his hand and ran for it. After he chased her around a pole, Magneto grabbed her. Except then Kitty twisted out of his grip and stabbed him with the butter knife. Magneto stared down at the butter knife for a moment, then pulled it out. Kitty gasped, though whether it was because of the blood or because he wasn't dead I don't know. "After killing me," Magneto said, "What is it you're planning on doing next?"
Kitty gasped and ran out the cabin, only to come face-to-face with some CJMs turning a wheel on the mast. Of course, Kitty got caught on one of the spokes and went around and around and around on the wheel thingie. Kitty gasped as she saw some CJMs hammering weapons on anvils, and then gasped again when she saw Aztec-cursified Evan and Scott scrubbing the deck…oddly completely in sync.
Kitty shrieked, backed up out of the wheel thingie, tripped over some stairs, and fell…to land on a blanket. The CJMs holding the edges of the blanket tossed her up in the air, shrieking all the way. Kitty, not the CJMs. Then, as she flew up into the air a second time, a CJM swung by on a rope and grabbed her. Kitty took one look at his face and shrieked again.
As soon as they landed on the deck, Kitty ran for it, the CJM running after her. Why? Probably just to freak her out. He trapped her on the other side of the steering wheel thingie…until Kitty did something totally stupid and insane and spun the wheel under the CJM's head, so that it cracked back off his spine. Ew. But all he really had to do to fix it was snap it back on, DUH!
Kitty ran down the stairs and hid under them, stupidly thinking she'd be safe there. WRONG! Monkey Dude popped up behind her in all his Aztec-cursified glory, holding The Medallion (DMP) and shrieking like the monkey that he is.
"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"
"You keep telling yourself that," Bobby said.
Kitty shrieked and ran back to the cabin, only to run straight into Magneto, who turned her around to look at the CJMs. "Look!" he said. "The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living, and so we cannot die. But neither are we dead." Magneto turned Kitty around to face him again. "For too long I've been parched and unable to quench it," he said. "Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face or the spray of the sea or the touch of a woman's flesh." He reached out a hand toward her (coughMINORcough), and Kitty backed up, so that Magneto followed her out into the moonlight. It actually had a pretty cool effect, him slowly turning Aztec-cursified like that. "You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Wagner," he said. "You're in one!" And he pulled the cork out of a bottle of wine with his teeth, spat it out, and drank it down. Kitty watched in horror as it splashed down his ribcage, then ran past him into the cabin.
Magneto slammed the doors shut behind her and started laughing. So did all the CJMs. Then Magneto started yelling at them. "What are you looking at? Back to work!"
"You heard the captain. Back to work!" Ray yelled.
Kitty, meanwhile, huddled in a corner of the room, terrified out of her mind.
The REAL Slim Jamie…
Oh yeah. Lame joke, I know. I live for lame jokes! That, and the cans of Coke in the fridge in my friend's basement that she never drinks (she hates all coffee, all soda, and BANANAS! Crazy, no?)
"Feast your eyes, Gumbo," Logan said as he, Remy, and Kurt walked by the TJMs…plus Jamie…plus Sabertooth…plus Mystique the Parrot perched on Sabey's shoulder. "All of them faithful hands before the mast. Every man worth his salt." Remy looked down a good foot to see the REAL Jamie Madrox. Oh yeah, did I mention that all the JMs are a couple of years older than Jamie? Just so you can tell the short dude apart. Okay, moving on. "And crazy to boot," Logan added.
"So this is your able-bodied crew?" Kurt said to Remy.
Remy walked over to Sabey. "Y', sailor!" he said.
"Sabertooth, Gumbo," Logan said.
"Sabey," Remy said. "Do y' have de courage to follow orders et stay true in de face of danger et deat'? Sabey! Answer, homme!"
Logan stuck his head in. "He's a mute. Well, not really. He only talks in growls and snarls. He trained the parrot to talk for him. No one's yet figured out how."
"Sabey's parrot," Remy said. "Same question."
"I have a name, you know!" Mystique the Parrot snapped, then squawked. "Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!"
"Mostly we figure that means yes," Logan said.
"Of course it does!" Remy said. He turned to Kurt. "Are y' happy now?"
"Vell, you've proved they're mad," Kurt said.
"And what's thah benefit for us?" A certain Southern belle's voice demanded.
Remy walked over and cautiously lifted the hat hiding the girl's face. "Chere!" he said.
Rogue slapped him. "I suppose you didn't deserve that," Kurt said.
"Non, dat one Remy deserved," Remy said.
Rogue nodded. "Yah stole mah boat!" she said.
"Borrowed," Remy corrected. "Borrowed wit'out permission. Mais wit' every intention of bringin' it back."
"But yah didn'!" Rogue yelled.
"Y'll get anoder one," Remy said.
Rogue pointed a finger at him. "Ah will," she said fiercely.
"A better one," Kurt put in.
"A better one!" Remy said.
"That one!" Kurt said, pointing at the Interceptor.
"What one?" Remy asked. Kurt jerked his head at the Interceptor. "Dat one!" Kurt nodded. "Oui, dat one. What say y'?"
"Aye!" Rogue said, then winced. "Ah hate talkin' lahke a pirate."
"Aye!" all the TJMs…plus Jamie…agreed.
"Anchors aweigh!" Mystique the Parrot screeched, and they all started heading off to the ship. Rogue shoved Remy before heading off with the rest of the TJMs.
"No, no, it's bad luck to bring a woman aboard," Logan said to Remy.
"It'd be worse not to have her," Remy said.
A Stormy Sea…
Yes, the weather was terrible. Everyone was pretty much soaked as they struggled along the deck. Meanwhile, Remy chilled at the wheel, glancing down at his compass, twirling the wheel, and glancing at the compass again.
"How can ve sail to an island that nobody can find," Kurt asked Logan, "Vith a compass that doesn't vork?"
"The compass doesn't point North," Logan agreed, "But we're not trying to find North, are we?"
Up on the bow, Remy spun the wheel some more. Logan staggered up to him. "We should drop canvas, Gumbo," he said.
"She can hold a bit longer," Remy said.
"What's in your head that's put you in such a good mood?" Logan demanded.
"We're catchin' up," Remy said.
The Dreaded Isla De Muerta…
The Black Pearl had finally reached the dreaded Isla de Muerta. Kitty stared out at it through her window. "Talk about bleak," she said.
Evan and Scott came in. "Time to go, poppet," Evan said. "I hate saying poppet!"
"Like, who wouldn't?" Kitty said.
Outside, a CJM tied her hands and Magneto fastened The Medallion (DMP) around her neck while Ray, Rob, and Evan looked on. Scott chanted "Ho" stupidly. Rob punched him to shut him up, nearly breaking his faulty wooden ruby quartz sunglasses. And they all rowed their cursed way into the dreaded Isla de Muerta.
Back On The Interceptor…
They were sailing by a bunch of sunken ships. "Dead men tell no tales," Mystique the Parrot cackled.
All the TJMs stared out at all the sunken ships. "Puts a chill in the bones how many honest sailors have been claimed by this passage," Logan said to Kurt.
"Are you sure it's not just the adamantium?" Kurt said.
Up on the bow, Remy glanced at the compass, turned the wheel a little, and shut the compass when he saw Sabey looking at it a wee bit too much.
"How'd Remy get that compass?" Kurt asked Logan.
"Not a lot's known about Gumbo before he showed up in Tortuga with a mind to go after the treasure of the Isla de Muerta," Logan said. "That was before I met him. Back when he was captain of the Black Pearl."
Kurt whipped his head around. "Vhat!"
Logan just kept drinking his beer.
"He failed to mention that," Kurt said.
"He plays things closer to the vest now," Logan said. "And a hard-learned lesson it was. See, three days out the first mate comes to him and says everything's an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure. So Gumbo gave up the bearings. That night, there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die, but not before he'd gone mad with the heat."
"So," Kurt said. "That's the reason for all the…" he did some weird waving-his-hands-leaning-around-lame-attempt-at-seeming-crazy-or-drunk-that-only-really-works-on-Remy thing.
"Reason's got nothing to do with it," Logan said. He knelt down, and so did Kurt. "Now, Elf, when a pirate's marooned, he's given a pistol with a single shot. One shot," he said, holding up one claw. "Well, that won't do much good hunting or to be rescued. But after three weeks of a starving belly and thirst, that pistol will start to look real friendly. But Gumbo escaped the island, and he still has that single shot. He won't use it, though, save on one man. His mutinous first mate."
"Magneto," Kurt said. Logan nodded. "How did Remy get off the island?"
"Well, I'll tell ya," Logan said. "He waded out into the shallows, and he waited there three days and three nights, 'till all manner of sea creatures became acclimated to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped a couple of sea turtles, lashed them together, and made a raft."
Kurt stared at him. "He roped a couple of sea turtles?" he asked.
"Yep, sea turtles," Logan said.
"What did he use for rope?" Kurt asked.
Logan opened his mouth, thought for a moment, and closed it again. Then he saw Remy standing next to them. "Human hair," Remy said. "From Remy's back. Let go de anchor!" he ordered to the TJMs.
"Aye, Captain, aye!" they all yelled.
"Young Monsieur Wagner et Remy are to go ashore," Remy said, and walked off.
Logan ran after him. "Gumbo, what if the worst should happen?"
"Keep to de Code," Remy said.
"Aye, the Code," Logan said.
Kurt just stared at both of them, thinking, "Vhat's the Code?"
(1) Yep, for digitizing the Cursed Pirate look, they grafted turkey jerky texture on to help with the whole rotting flesh look.
Avec – with
Bonne – good
Chere – dear (although ALL you Remy fans should already know that)
D'accord – agreed; okay
Et – and
Fils – son
Homme – man
Je t'adore – I love you
Mais – but
Moi – me
Monsieur – Mr.
Non – no
Ou – or
Où – where (note the accent mark; do NOT mix up with ou)
Oui – yes
Pourquoi – why
Quoi – what
Review, please!
