..: The Interceptor Gets Intercepted :..
DISCLAIMER:
"Is that an iPod?"
"No, it's a Walkman."
"Oh. …What's so special about iPods, anyway?"
On Board the Black Pearl…
"So," Magsy said. "You expect to leave me on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need and watch you sail away in my ship?"
"Non," Remy said. "Remy expect to leave y' standin' on some beach wit' absolutely no name at all, watchin' me sail away on my ship, and den Remy'll shout de name back at y'. D'accord?"
"But that still leaves the problem of me standing on some beach with naught but a name and your word it's the one I need."
Remy was examining the apples in the plate on the table. "Of de two of us, Remy's de only one who hasn' committed mutiny. Derefore, my word is de one we'll be trustin'. Alt'ough, Remy suppose Remy should be thankin' y' because, in fact, if y' hadn' betrayed me and left me to die, Remy would have an equal share in dat curse, same as y'." He took a bite of an apple. "Funny old world, isn' it?" he said, offering the apple he had been eating to Magsy. That's what you call irony.
Ray walked in. "Magsy, we're coming up on the Interceptor," he said. Monkey Dude jumped off his little perch thingie and ran out of the cabin and up onto the deck. Magsy followed Monkey Dude up the stairs while Remy looked out to see the Interceptor not too far away.
Magsy pulled out a spyglass and looked at the Interceptor…until his view was completely blocked by an enlarged mouth and goatee. "Remy's having a t'ought here, Magsy," Remy's mouth said. Magsy lowered the spyglass to see Remy standing right in front of him, apple still in hand. "What say we run up a flag of truce, Remy scurry over to de Interceptor, and Remy negotiate de return of The Medallion (DMP)?"
"Et toi, Remy?" Rob said half-sadly, half-insanely. "ET TOI?" (And you, Remy? AND YOU?)
"Gambit, that's exactly the attitude that lost you the Pearl," Magsy said. "People are easy to search when they're dead. Lock him in the brig," he ordered. Ray grabbed his shoulder and half-dragged him away, and Magsy grabbed the apple. He stared at it for a moment before throwing it through one of the many holes in the sails.
On The Interceptor…
Kitty opened the trapdoor leading below decks to see the TJMs running around while Logan shouted orders. "Hands aloft to t'gallants!" he yelled. Whatever that means. "With this wind, she'll carry every sail we've got!"
"Like, what's happening?" Kitty asked.
"Tha Black Pearl," Rogue said. "She's gainin' on us."
Kitty glanced out behind the ship to see that the Black Pearl was, indeed, gaining on them. She ran up to Logan. "This is the fastest ship in, like, the Caribbean," she said.
"Ya can tell them that after they've caught us," Rogue said.
"We're shallower on the draft, right?" Kitty asked.
"Yeah," Rogue said.
"Well, then can't we lose them amongst those shoals?" Kitty said.
"We don't have to outrun them long, just long enough," Logan said.
"Lahghten tha ship, stem to stern!" Rogue yelled.
"Anything we can afford to lose, see that it's lost," Logan said.
In The Black Pearl's Brig…
Ray led Remy to a cell, shoved him in, locked the door, and left, looking majorly P.O.'d the whole time. "Apparently, dere's a leak," Remy said. He walked over to a little hole and glanced out in time to see a barrel float by. Several more were floating behind the Interceptor.
Magsy lowered his spyglass again. "Haul on the main brace!" he yelled. "Make ready the guns! And run out the sweeps," he added to Ray, who grinned. Yeah, um, I don't get it. Anyone know sea lingo?
The CJMs set up the cannons so they stuck out and were ready to fire on the Interceptor. Evan raised the pirate flag so that it flapped in the wind all ominously and stuff. Event though the flag's pretty much just there for tradition and bravado.
Back on the Interceptor, Kurt had just come up from below decks. He looked out to see oars coming out from the sides of the Black Pearl. Oh. I guess those are the sweeps.
Jamie was about to send a cannon tumbling into the water when Kurt stopped him. "Ve're gonna need that," he said.
The Black Pearl was just about on the Interceptor's (figuratively speaking) tail. So much for Kitty's plan. "It was a good plahn," Rogue said. "Up till now."
"Logan!" Kurt said, running over. "Ve have to make a stand. Ve must fight. Load the guns!"
"With what?" Rogue said.
"So much for supportive sister," Kurt muttered. "Anything. Everything! Anything we have left," he said, getting right into Logan's face.
"Load the guns!" Logan said. Rogue rolled her eyes in an oh-no-he's-done-it-again look. "Case shot and langrage!" Logan continued. "Nails and crushed glass!"
Down by the cannons, two TJMs were trying to shove an oversized serving spoon into a cannon. Jamie walked over to another cannon and started loading forks and other cutlery into it from a bucket. Logan paused by the cannon to drink some beer. As soon as he had finished, Jamie grabbed the flask and shoved it into the cannon.
Remy was watching the whole thing through the little peephole leak in his cell. Well, he couldn't see the stuff going on on the Interceptor, but he did have a lovely view of the Black Pearl's cannons and oars.
"The Pearl's gonna luff up on our port quarter!" Logan yelled. "She'll rake us without ever presenting a target."
"Lower the anchor on the right side," Kitty said, and received blank looks from Rogue, Logan, and Kurt. "Like, on the starboard side!" she said.
"It has the element of surprise," Kurt said.
"Yah're crazy, Kitty!" Rogue said. "Yah both are!"
"Crazy like Gumbo!" Logan said.
"Not really," Rogue said.
Logan ignored her. "Lower the starboard anchor!" he yelled at the TJMs, who all exchanged has-he-finally-lost-it looks. "Do it, you multiples, or I'll load you into the cannons!" he growled, unsheathing his claws on one hand, just for effect.
And it worked. They all ran to lower the anchor. It dragged along the ocean floor for a while before snagging on a huge rock. The rope tore through several planks, and the whole ship tilted dangerously. Oh yes, and the table below deck fell over, The Medallion (DMP) and three candles sliding off to get lost on the floor.
Kitty watched the rope tied to the anchor go taught. "Like, let go!" she yelled to Rogue, who immediately let go of the wheel. The Interceptor started turning around.
"They're clubhauling!" Magsy yelled back on the Black Pearl. "Hard to port! Rack the starboard oars."
"Hard to port!" Ray yelled.
The ships lined up right alongside each other, with pirates pulling out guns, unsheathing swords, and yelling from behind cannons on either ship.
"Now!" Kurt yelled.
"Fire!" Magsy ordered.
"Fire all!" Kitty shouted.
Now, this is a BIG ACTION SCENE, so, naturally, I'll do a terrible job writing it. Cannons exploded both ships, sending a few pirates tumbling down into the sea. But who cares about them, they're unimportant!
Remy watched the battle unfold from his little peephole leak, and flung himself against the wall of his cell just in time to avoid being killed by a cannonball. "Stop blowing holes in my ship!" he yelled. Like anyone can hear you.
A cannon from the Interceptor shot at Evan and Scott, who were firing one of the cannons. A fork embedded itself into the post right next to Evan, who stared at it with a what-the-? look on his face. He looked over at Scott, who was staring cross-eyed (not that we can really tell) at another fork embedded in the bridge of his faulty wooden ruby quartz sunglasses. Evan tugged at the fork, and it came out. The sunglasses came with it.
The Interceptor was now sporting a lovely hole in its side. "Hey!" Kitty yelled in Scott's direction. "Like, no powers!"
Remy was sitting in his very wet cell, looking pretty bored. Then he noticed Logan's flask, opened it, drank from it only to discover that it was empty, and then noticed the smoking hole in the door where the lock had been. He pushed the door, AND IT SWUNG OPEN! WOW!
Everyone on board the Interceptor was losing. Badly. "We could use a few more ideas, Half-Pint," Logan said.
"Like, your turn!" Kitty said.
"We need a devil's dowry," Logan said.
Rogue pointed her gun at Kitty's head. "We'll give them her," she said.
"She's not vhat they're after," Kurt said.
Kitty's hand flew to her throat. "The Medallion (DMP)," she gasped.
"Kitty too!" Rob shrieked.
"Rob, yah're on tha wrong ship," Rogue said.
"I know," Rob said. He powered up and flew back to the Black Pearl. Only he sped off a few inches too far down and ended up blasting a hole in both ships.
"Like, NO POWERS!" Kitty screeched after him.
Kurt got up and ran back below deck, landing in ankle-deep water. He shoved the fallen table over and started searching for The Medallion (DMP).
On the Black Pearl, a CJM fell from the crow's nest, a rope wrapped around his leg. Ouch. That's gonna give you one helluva rope burn. "Raise your colors, you blooming cockroaches!" Magys yelled.
"Did he just call us blooming cockroaches?" Rob asked a CJM, who nodded solemnly.
Magsy continued. "Hands, grapnels, at the ready. Prepare to board!"
Evan and Scott stuffed a cannonball into a cannon – WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Evan paused in shoving Sam into the cannon. "Stuffing a Cannonball into a cannon," he said, stating the obvious.
"How am ah supposed ta fit in there?" Sam said, struggling against Scott and Evan.
"Divine Intervention," Scott said.
Sam looked beseechingly at The Authoress. "Please don't," he begged.
Sorry. Too funny.
Ten seconds later, Sam – screaming like a bansheefied insomniac – flew out of the cannon, at the Interceptor…and crashed straight into the mast.
"Bull's-eye!" Evan and Scott yelled, high-fiving each other.
The mast crumbled, causing several planks to pile up and trap Kurt below deck, killing the TJMs that had been in the crow's nest, and falling toward the Black Pearl. The CJMs panicked and ran to either side of the deck. A few even jumped overboard. Magsy took about three steps forward, stood there looking cool (well, as cool as you can look with a Monkey Dude attempting to stay on your shoulder)…and the mast completely missed him. By about three inches. "Blast all to carcasses!" he yelled. "Forward clear to the powder magazine. And the rest of you, bring me The Medallion (DMP)!"
"AGAIN?" Rob yelled. Methinks this must be driving him insane. DMP DMP DMP DMP!
Monkey Dude jumped off Magsy's shoulder (which will probably be dislocated by the end of this parody) and ran across the mast. The rest of the CJMs followed, swing onto the sip on ropes.
Kurt grabbed a board and used it to pound on the door. "Hey!" he yelled. "Below!" Of course, no one could hear him.
Rob and a CJM started carrying barrels down below the deck, tossing them on a huge pile of barrels and laughing evilly. Hm, I wonder what's in those…
A CJM attempted to swing onto the Interceptor, was bumped by a TJM, came swinging back to the Black Pearl, and Remy grabbed the rope from him as he fell painfully. "Merci beaucoup," (Thank you very much) Remy called after him.
He sung onto the Interceptor, missed landing, swung back, accidentally bumped a CJM about to slit Logan's throat into the sea, swung back onto the Interceptor, and landed.
"Gumbo!" Logan yelled.
Remy handed him the flask. "Empty," he said, and ran off.
Meanwhile, Kurt was now in chest-deep water. He heard a screeching noise and turned to see Monkey Dude sitting on a plank holding The Medallion (DMP). Monkey Dude screeched at him again, then ran up through the holes in the door via Divine Intervention and away.
Kitty punched a CJM and turned to see another CJM grab her wrist, his sword raised to, well, decapitate her, most likely. Then Remy grabbed the CJM's wrist. "Dat's not very nice," he said, and Kitty knocked him overboard with the butt of her rifle.
"Where's De Medallion (DMP)?" Remy asked.
"NOT AGAIN!" Rob screamed, running away.
"Like, wretch!" Kitty yelled at Remy, raising a hand to slap him.
Remy grabbed her wrist. "Ah," he said, looking at her bandaged hand. "Where's the dear Fuzzy Elf?"
Kitty whipped her head around. "Kurt!" she gasped, and ran to the trapdoor. "Kurt!" she screamed.
"Kitty!" Kurt yelled back, now in armpit-deep water.
Monkey Dude screeched, holding The Medallion (DMP), and started running back along the mast.
"Monkey!" Remy yelled, running after Monkey Dude.
Kitty tried to move the fallen mast and failed miserably. "I, like, can't move it!" she screamed. Then two CJMs grabbed her and dragged her away. "Kurt!" she shrieked. Like that's going to help.
Monkey Dude scampered across the mast back to the Black Pearl on all fours, closely followed by Remy…also on all fours. He reached for The Medallion (DMP)…
Only to see Magsy holding it, with Monkey Dude back on his shoulder. "Why, thank you, Gambit," Magsy said.
"Y're welcome," Remy said.
"Not you," Magsy said. "We named the monkey Gambit."
"My name is Jason!" Monkey Dude screeched.
"Did de monkey say somet'in'?" Remy asked.
"…No," Magsy said.
"I give up!" Monkey Dude screeched. Literally.
Back on the Interceptor, Kurt was in chin-deep water. He swam down to the floor to try to move the plank at the bottom – and, of course, failed miserably.
Meanwhile, a CJM shot his pistol next to a trail of gunpowder, sending the spark down the line. Hehe, I just love watching that stuff. Look, it's gonna blow up soon!
Kurt gave up trying to move the plank, and instead swam down, trying instead to find an exit.
On the Black Pearl, all the TJMs were tied up. "If any of you so much as think the word 'parley', I'll have your guts for garters!" Evan yelled at them.
"You wear garters?" Scott said. Evan punched him.
Kitty phased through the ropes and ran forward to – what? Jump off the Black Pearl, swim over to the Interceptor, climb aboard, find Will, and find a way to rescue him?
Well, either way, the Interceptor blew up. KABOOM! Well, it sounded – and looked – a helluva lot cooler than that.
"Will!" Kitty shrieked. "You've, like, got to stop it!" she yelled, running at Magsy.
Magsy turned around, grabbing her wrists. "Welcome back, miss," he said. "You took advantage of our hospitality last time. It holds fair now you return the favor." He shoved her back into the CJMs, who immediately crowded around her and started tugging on her sleeves.
"Can we get some ice cream?" one asked.
"Can we go to an amusement park?" another asked.
"Can we can we can we can we can we can we can we can we?" a third one asked over and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Kitty stared at him oddly.
Kurt climbed up the side of the ship. "Magsy!" he yelled.
Rob looked to the right where Kurt was standing über impressively, then to the left where the ruins of the Interceptor were sinking, then back to the right where Kurt was still standing über impressively. "I'm confused," he said.
Kurt jumped down onto the deck and pointed his pistol at Magsy. "She goes free," he said.
"What's in your head, elf?" Magsy said.
"She goes free," Kurt repeated.
"You've only got one shot," Magsy said, "And we can't die."
"Don't do anyt'in' stupid," Remy whispered.
Kurt jumped back onto the edge of the ship. "You can't," he said, and pointed the pistol at himself. "I can."
"Like dat," Remy said.
"Who are you?" Magsy demanded.
"No one," Remy said. "He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singin' voice, t'ough. Eunuch."
"My name is Kurt Vagner," Kurt said. "My mother was Raven Darkholme. Her blood runs in my veins." Remy gave up and walked away.
"He's the spitting image of old Mystique come back to haunt us!" Scott yelled.
"Not really," Evan said.
"Well, they both have blue skin," Scott said. "And yellow eyes."
"Kurt has fur," Evan said. "Mystique has skin. Kurt has a tail. Mystique doesn't. Kurt has pointy ears. Mystique doesn't. Kurt can't past ten on his fingers and toes. Mystique can count to twenty. Kurt has a German accent. Mystique has a…really deep voice. Kurt has dark blue hair. Mystique has red hair. Kurt-"
"Alright, alright, I get it!" Scott snapped.
"On my vord," Kurt said. "Do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' locker."
"Name your terms, Mr. Wagner," Magsy said.
"Kitty goes free," Kurt said.
"Yes, we know that one," Magsy said. "Anything else?"
Remy pointed at himself. "And the crew," Kurt added. "The crew are not to be harmed."
"Agreed," Magsy said.
Remy gave Kurt a Remy-give-up look. Not that Kurt noticed.
That's all for now! Please review!
