..: But Why Is De Rum Gone:..

Heya! I know, I know, I promised you all s'mores, and you'll get them! But a certain red-head had a little bit TOO much fun with the flame, and things got very…well, it wasn't pretty, I'll tell ya that. Also, I'm about to be kicked off in a minute or so, so I'll be answering/etc all the reviews in the next chappie, which will hopefully be up tomorrow (later today for those 3+ hours ahead of the West Coast) or Sunday. Sowwies!

DISCLAIMER: "There were only two other white people at my school, a blond girl and a blond boy. We always figured they'd get married and have little blond babies."


Hey, look! A godforsaken spit of land! Wonder why that ship with the ripped-up sails is there…

"Go on, poppet!" Evan yelled to Kitty. "Walk the plank!"

Yes, Kitty was walking the plank. All the CJMs were crowded around it, pointing their swords at her. So Kitty backed up and walked the plank, hesitating at the end. Pshaw, I would, too! That water looks COLD.

Kurt struggled against the CJMs holding him back. "Magsy, you lying bastard!" he yelled. "You svore she'd go free!"

"Don't dare impugn my honor, boy," Magsy said. "I agreed she'd go free, but it was you who failed to specify when or where." All the CJMs laughed, and Rob gagged Kurt. Although, by all rights, Magsy is right. Kitty is going free, after all. "Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine, doesn't it?" Magsy said to Kitty. "So I'll be having that dress back before you go."

Remy turned to Rob, who was guarding him. "Remy always liked y'," he said.

"Ew, QUEER!" Rob screamed, running away.

"What's wit' him?" Remy asked Jamie, who was having one of his JMs stay in the cell below deck.

"Must be all the fanfics saying he's gay," Jamie said.

"Y' read dose!" Remy gasped.

"No," Jamie said. "Ray prints them out and uses them to drive Rob insane."

"Oh," Remy said.

"Once he wallpapered Rob's room with them," Jamie continued. "He ended up in a full body cast."

"Rob was dat mad?" Remy said.

"No," Jamie said. "He crawled into a corner of the living room and assumed the fetal position for thirty-three hours straight."

"Den how did-" Remy began.

"Oh," Jamie said. "Ray insulted Kitty's cooking."

"Oh," Remy said, flinching. Jamie nodded solemnly.

Kitty ripped off the dress and threw it at Magsy. "It, like, goes with your black heart."

"Ooh, it's still warm," Magsy said, and threw it to a CJM.

"Ew, like, pedophile!" Kitty said.

"JUST WALK THE PLANK ALREADY!" Jamie screamed.

"What, you've always wanted to see a girl in a white dress fall off a plank?" Bobby asked.

"No, not really," Jamie said.

"Really?" Bobby said. "I have."

"…I don't get it," Jamie said to Remy. "What's he mean?"

"PERVERT!" Kitty screamed at Bobby.

Ray rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of-!" he snapped, and stomped on the plank. Kitty really wouldn't have fallen off if she hadn't freaked out and phased through it…but the point is, she did.

All the CJMs started laughing, half because she fell, and the other half because they had no clue what was going on. Remy started laughing too, but unfortunately for him, it was his turn to walk the plank.

"Remy really hoped we were all past dis," Remy said to Magsy.

Magsy laughed and put an arm around Remy's shoulders, turning him around to look at the godforsaken spit of land. "Gambit," he said. "Didn't you notice? That's the same island we made you governor of on our last little trip."

"Remy did notice," Remy said. "And, for de record, Remy was king."

"Perhaps you'll be able to conjure up another miraculous escape," Magsy said. He pointed his sword at Remy. "Off you go."

"Last time," Remy said. "Y' left me a pistol wit' one shot."

"By the powers, you're right," Magsy said. "Where's Gambit's pistol?"

"Seein' as dere's two of us," Remy said, "A gentleman would give us a pair of pistols."

"It'll be one pistol as before," Magsy said. "You can be the gentleman and shoot the lady and starve to death yourself." And he tossed Remy's pistol into the water. Remy dived in after it. May I add that it was also a beautiful dive? Seriously. Whoever's JD's diving double in the movie is amazing.

On That Godforsaken Spit Of Land…

Remy and Kitty walked up to the island. "Dat's de second time Remy's had to watch dat homme sail away wit' my ship," Remy said, and set off walking onto the grass.

Kitty hurried after him. "But you were, like, marooned on this island before. We can, like, escape the same you did."

Remy whirled around. "To what point an' purpose?" he demanded. "De Black Pearl is gone. Unless y' have a rudder an' a lot of sails hidden in dat bodice…Unlikely. Young Monsieur Wagner will be dead long before y' can reach him." He walked away and knocked on a tree.

"But you're Captain Remy LeBeau," Kitty insisted. "You, like, vanished from seven agents of the East India Company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I've read about or, like, not? How'd you escape last time?"

"Last time," Remy said. "Remy was here a grand total of t'ree days, all right? Last time…" He opened up a trapdoor hidden in the sand. "De runrunners used dis island as a cache," He climbed down into the hole. "Came by, and Remy was able to barter passage off. From de looks of t'ings, dey've long been out of business. Probably have y'r bloody friend Norrin'ton to t'ank for dat." He climbed out with two bottles of rum.

"So that's it, then?" Kitty said. "That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Remy LeBeau? You spent three days lying on a beach, like, drinking rum?"

Remy held out his hands in a so-sue-me way and wiggled his hips. Loser. "Welcome to de Caribbean, chere," he said, handing her a bottle of rum and walking away.

Kitty glared at him for a minute, until… "An idea!"

Later That Night…

Kitty and Remy were dancing around a fire, singing. Well, I don't know if that really qualifies as singing, considering they were both shit-faced drunk. Well, Remy was, but Kitty…well, it was all part of her MASTER PLAN MUWAHAHAHAHA!

"We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs, drink up me hearties, yo ho!" they sang. "Yo ho, yo ho-"

"Ouch!" Remy yelled as he stepped on a sharp rock, or something like that.

"-A pirate's life for me!" they finished.

"Remy love dis song!" Remy exclaimed. They hooked arms and spun around. "Really bad eggs!" Remy yelled. "Oh." He got dizzy and fell over.

Kitty "fell" next to him. "When Remy get de Pearl back," Remy said. "Remy gonna teach it to de whole crew. We'll sing it all de time."

"You'll be the most fearsome pirate in, like, the Spanish Main," Kitty said.

"Not just de Spanish Main, chere," Remy said. "De entire ocean. De entire world. Wherever we want to go, we go. Dat's what a ship is, y' know. It's not just a keel an' a deck an' sails. Dat's what a ship needs. But what a ship is, what de Black Pearl really is, is freedom."

Kitty leaned back on one elbow. "Remy," she said. "It must be really terrible for you to be, like, trapped on this island."

"Oh, yes," Remy said. "But de company is infinitely better dan last time, Remy t'ink." He put an arm around Kitty's shoulders. "Rogue's goin' to kill me later, isn' she?"

Kitty thought for a moment, then nodded. "Probably."

"Dat's very supportive of y'," Remy said sarcastically.

"No problem!" Kitty said. "But I'm not entirely sure I've, like, had enough rum to allow that kind of talk, anyway."

Remy shrugged. "Remy's a dead homme, anyway."

Kitty held out her almost-empty bottle of rum. "To, like, freedom," she said.

"To de Black Pearl," Remy said, clinking his bottle against hers. And they both drained their bottles. Well, Remy did, while Kitty stopped after a sip. All part of her MASTER PLAN MUWAHAHAHAHA! Remy fainted.

The Morning After…

Remy woke up with a headache. Then he noticed the smoke and shot up just in time to see Kitty throw a barrel into a huge pile of burning barrels, and duck as it exploded.

"Non!" Remy yelled, running at her. "Not good! Stop! Not good! What are y' doin'? Y' burned all de food, de shade! De rum!"

"Yeah, the rum's, like, gone," Kitty said.

"Why is de rum gone?" Remy demanded.

"One, because it's a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into, like, total hoods," Kitty said. "Two, that signal is, like, over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is looking for me. Do you think there's, like, the slightest chance they won't see?"

"But why is de rum gone?" (1)

Kitty sat down. "Just, like, wait, Captain LeBeau," she said. "You give it one hour, maybe two, and you will see white sails on that horizon."

Remy pulled his pistol out of his pants, thought about it, then stuffed it back in. (2)

"'Must've been terrible for y' to be trapped here, Remy.'" Remy mimicked Kitty as he stalked away. "Must've been terrible. Well, it bloody is now!" he yelled back to Kitty. Like Kitty could really hear him. "Especially since Remy has to say bloody!" He turned around…only to see white sails on the horizon. "Dere'll be no livin' wit' her after dis," Remy said.

On Board the Dauntless

"But we've got to save Kurt!" Kitty said.

"No," Beast protested. "You're safe now. We will return to Port Royal, not go gallivanting after pirates!"

"Then we, like, condemn him to death!" Kitty protested.

"The elf's fate is regrettable," Beast said. "But so was his decision to engage in piracy."

"To rescue me!" Kitty said. "To, like, prevent anything from happening to me!"

"If Remy may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion," Remy interrupted, walking up to Pietro. "De Pearl was listin' near to scuppers after de battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. T'ink about it. De Black Pearl. De last real pirate t'reat in de Caribbean, homme. How can y' pas dat up, right?" And he flashed Pietro a winning smile.

"By remembering that I serve others, Mr. LeBeau, not only myself," Pietro said, and sniffed. "I hate this role."

Don't we all.

Pietro started walking away, but Kitty ran after him. "Commodore, I, like, beg you, please do this. For me. Like, as a wedding gift."

That got Pietro's attention. "Say WHAT!" he yelled, whirling around.

"Kitty," Beast said. "Are you accepting Pietro's proposal?"

"Yeah," Kitty said.

"Ewwwwwwwww," Pietro said. Very immaturely, I might add. (3)

"A weddin'!" Remy yelled. "Remy love weddin's! Drinks all around! Where's Logan's stash?" Pietro gave him a Look, and he slumped in defeat. "Remy know." He held out his hands, wrists together. "'Clap him in irons,' right?"

"Mr. LeBeau," Pietro said. "You will accompany these fine men…or pathetically hopeless boys…"

"Hey!" Bobby and Sam yelled.

Pietro ignored them. "…To the helm and provide us with a bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all meanings of the phrase 'silent as the grave.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Not really," Remy said. "Are dey fine men or pathetically hopeless boys?"

"We're right next to you, you know," Bobby said.

Everyone ignored him.

Pietro gave Remy a Look. "Ah," he said. "Inescapably clear, den."

On The Black Pearl, In Pretty Filthy Cells…

Evan and Scott were mopping the filthy floors with equally filthy (if not filthier) water. Oh yeah, and mops that looked downright slimy. Like Toad had made out with them or something. Okay, I just put a nasty image in my head. Shutting up.

Mystique the Parrot squawked. "Shiver me timbers!" She shuddered. "I will never, ever, be a parrot again."

"Sabey says you missed a bit," Logan said to Evan, who slammed his mop against the cell. Ooh, scary! All fear the almighty fierceness of the mop!

Kurt leaned against his cell, which was across from the Tortugian Pirates'. "You knew Raven Darkholme?" he asked Evan.

Evan paused in his mopping. Scott kept right on going. "Old Mystique," he said.

"I'm right here, you know!" Mystique said.

"You're a parrot, bub," Logan pointed out. Mystique ruffled her feathers and glared at him. Although, coming from a parrot, wasn't very fear-inspiring. At all.

"I'm trying to tell a story here!" Evan said exasperatedly. "Do you mind?"

"Actually, yes," Logan said.

Evan rolled his eyes and went on. "We knew her. Never sat well with Mystique, what we did to Remy LeBeau. The mutiny and all." Scott was still mopping, apparently oblivious to the entire conversation. "She said it wasn't right with the Code. You know," Evan said. "Mystique actually sounds…righteous."

Mystique opened her mouth…er, beak…to yell at Evan, and Sabey clamped his hand around it. "Thank you," Logan said.

"No problem," Sabey said. Yes, in this odd ficcie, they actually get along. More or less.

"That's why she sent off a piece of the treasure to you, man," Evan said to Kurt. "She said we deserved to be cursed. And remain cursed."

"Stupid blighter," Scott put in, having finally noticed them talking.

"Good man," Logan said. "I mean…you know what I mean."

"Well, as you can imagine," Evan said. "That didn't sit too well with the captain."

"That didn't sit too well with the captain at all," Scott said. "Tell him what Magsy did," he added to Evan.

"I'm telling the story!" Evan snapped.

"Touchy," Scott muttered.

Evan turned back to Kurt. "So, what the captain did. He strapped a cannon to Mystique's mystiques."

"Mystique's mystiques," Scott repeated stupidly. "Wait, how can you attach anything to someone's mystique?"

"Divine Intervention," Logan droned in a bored voice.

You got that right, bub.

"And last we saw of old Mystique," Evan said. "She was sinking into the crushing, black oblivion of Davy Jones's locker. Course," he added. "It was only after that we learned we needed her blood to lift the curse."

"That's what you call ironic," Scott said. Evan nodded.

And then Magsy and Ray came walking down into the cell. "Bring him," Magsy said, and magnetically threw the keys at Scott, nearly knocking the poor Cyclops out. What a sissy.

Um, In A Rowboat, Or Something…

Pietro was looking through his über important spyglass at the Black Pearl. "I don't care for the situation," he said to Remy. "Any attempt to storm the caves could turn into an ambush."

"Not if y're de one doin' de ambushin'," Remy said. "Remy convince Magsy to send his hommes out wit' deir little boats. Y' and y'r hommes return to de Dauntless and blast de bejesus out of dem wit' y'r little cannons. What do y' have to lose?"

"Nothing I'd lament being rid of," Pietro said.

"Now," Remy said. "To be quite honest wit' y', dere's still a risk to dose aboard de Dauntless, which includes de future Madame Commodore."

"Ewwwwwwwww," Pietro said.

Onboard The Dauntless

Kitty was being led – more like dragged – into a cabin…thing. "Sorry, but it's for your own safety, yo," Toad said.

"The commodore, like, ordered!" Kitty yelled, struggling against the two SJMs. Obviously, she had forgotten that she could phase. "I have to tell him! The pirates! They're, like, cursed! They can't be killed!"

The SJMs managed to half-throw Kitty into the cabin…thing, and Toad stood in the doorway. "Don't worry, yo," he said. "Pietro's informed of that. A little mermaid flopped up on the deck and told him the whole story. He laughed and closed the doors in her face.

Kitty pounded against the door, still forgetting that she could phase. "This is, like, Remy LeBeau's doing!" she yelled.


(1) The best line. Ever.

(2) Is it just me, or does that sound wrong? Just me? Ah, well, I blame the Austin Powers marathon that was on TBS.

(3) I think that just about sums up my opinion on KIETRO.

That's all for now! As I mentioned above, review replies/etc will be in the next chappie! Which will be up Saturday or Sunday! Hopefully! Please review!