..: The End :..
Hey guys! Sowwies I haven't updated in a while, but my USB stick thingie (which I keep just about everything on – yes, bad planning, I know) got totally fudged up and doesn't work anymore! But my mom's fiancé was totally nice about it and gave me a new, better one! Of course, I can't get back anything I had in my old one, but it's still a pretty good consolation. Plus anything I really planned on using is in my green notebook (in rough outlines, but the point is, they're there). So yeah. Oh yeah, I've also been trying to beat the VG X-Men Legends, and it is frickin' HARD! Well, not really, just the last part where ya gotta beat Master Mold. Yesh, the game has really pissed me off, cuz I had Master Mold with 1/3 of his health left, and then Cyke went and DIED on me! And he was my last player. So yeah…
Oh yeah, and the Pixie Stix idea came from EvilWhiteRaven. DUDE! You all need to go read her ficcie Insert Title Here! It's weird, it's disturbing, but it ish FUNNY, YO! GO READ IT! Well, after you read this! Hehehe, plugging for other people is fun!
Okay, now it's S'MORE TIME!
Psychobunny410 – (Chappie 6) Thanks! Aw dude the gag reel's funny! Yeah, Orlando Bloom does the flippy thing with the sword and messes up like 16 times…well, they only show like 5 or something on the gag reel, but Keira said that he had to do it 16 times…and then there's the whole mayonnaise thing, too. (Chappie 7) Yesh, Scott is very OOC in this ficcie. He might get back to his regular self in X Mulan 2. Might. (Chappie 8) Yeah, I know, not my best work. But in the immortal words of Pumbaa, "You gotta put your behind in the past!" LoLz. Here ya go! 3 s'mores!
Quing – Wow! You reviewed every single chappie! Here! Have 8 s'mores!
Sangofanatic – (Chappie 7) Ai, you come up with brilliant ideas! Must…read…mind…haha LoLz, jk. I HAVE ESPN! Here! Have a s'more!
Pyromaniac – (Chappie 6) Yesh, I know, über long update. Sowwies! (Chappie 7) Sowwies, for Shrek I've already planned on Sam being Shrek. Kinda hence the idea for it being Redneck Shrek. And Rahne'll be Fiona, and Bobby'll be Donkey (hehe…I get to turn him into an ass!), and I think I'm gonna make Jamie Lord Farquaad. And Remy'll be Monsieur Robin Hood. And for the sequel…hehehe…Ray and Rob aren't going to like it. I dunno who'll be King and Queen of Far Far Away Land, though. No, wait, I got an idea! TONDA! Well, one-sided. Poor Toad…And of course Jean would be the Fairy Godmother. Hehehe…Berzerker in Boots! Yesh, I LUVERZ Ray! I LUVERZ all of my torturees! Well, except JOTT. But then again, who does? (Chappie 8) Ah, I've always made a point to stay away from parrots. Which explains why I've never gone to the bird show at Six Flags: Marine World. Here ya go! 3 s'mores!
Enigmagirl2727 – (Chappie 6) Yesh, Pyro loves the flames. Sometimes he gets a wee bit too carried away, though. But that's why I have the Almighty Garden Hose! (Chappie 8) Ah, it's very easy to follow the non-casted X-Men talking among themselves. Essentially, the X-Men are remaking the movie, only doing an extremely bad job. And all the other X-Men (X-Kids, mostly) stand around and watch. Here, have 2 s'mores!
EE's Skysong – (Chappie 7) I know, rabid parody plotbunnies are eeevil! Just about the ONLY movies I haven't gotten bit by them are the Austin Powers movies…and for that I am eternally grateful. KNOCK ON WOOD KNOCK ON WOOD! (Chappie 8) KIETRO…ew. OMG that soda thing ish so funny! Here ya go! 2 s'mores!
Simba317 – (Chappie 7) Ah, yesh, the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles were off on a FanGirl Scout Cookie mission. But they're back now! With FanGirl Scout Cookies! (Chappie 8) WHOA! Long review! No, Logan does NOT have a thing for Mystique! EW! Although I reread it, and I did make it kinda sound like that. Oops. ROLO! Or is it LORO? Either way, it's Logan and Ororo! Only in XME, though. And yesh, KIETRO and RIETRO are just SICK AND WRONG! DUDE! Thanks for the awesome idea for Rogue's Revenge MUWAHAHAHA! YOU ROCKETH! Since you gave such a long review, have 3 s'mores!
Silvar – (Chappie 1) Yeah, I know, I LUVERZ Celia Rees's books! Speckled Bird made me cry, too! And Jaybird. (sniff sniff) Here! Have a s'more!
PhantomPunkEvo – Um, I'm not even sure if you're gonna read this, cuz you reviewed X Mulan, but, um, here's a s'more!
DUDE! I came up with an evil idearr! Well, it's evil for the dear little X-Men, anyway. So anywayz, I was in the DVD rental store, getting Gattaca (I only rented it for Bio, but it's a really good movie! If you like Sci-Fi you should watch it! Plus Jude Law ish SOOO funny!) when I couldn't help but notice X-Men: The Movie! And X2: X-Men United! And then a rabid parody plotbunny jumped out of Balto III: Wings of Change playing on the TV (I totally missed the release of this movie, when did that happen? And they honestly need to stop doing Balto movies) and – you got it – BIT me! So then I got an idearr to put the Evo kids into the movie! I'm pretty sure this is unoriginal, and I'm also pretty sure that someone else has already done this, but I live for torturing these people! Plus Jean dies in the 2nd movie! Yeah, I know, she'll come back as Dark Phoenix in X-Men 3, and I like her in the movieverse, but in XME, DEATH TO JEAN! So whaddya think of that? I know Rogue, Bobby, and Logan will kill me if I do this. But who cares?
Oh yeah, and Bryan Singer (the director of the X-Men movies) abandoned X-Men 3 for Superman Returns. And so did James Marsden (the guy who plays Cyke). Except he MIGHT be doing both movies. Not sure. Oh yeah, and Halle Berry's most likely not in X-Men 3. And Beast, Angel, and Gambit are gonna be in the movie, with Beast and Angel in major roles. And who knows if it'll be ROMY, cuz Rogue and Bobby seem pretty close. And they were gonna make Angel a girl, but he's gonna be a guy. And Beast had a cameo in X2! I had to rewatch the movie to find it, but he's there! And Jubes, Kitty, and Piotr have really small parts in both movies, except Piotr had like THE lames cameo ever in the 1st movie. But whatever.
DISCLAIMER:
"Don't move, I wanna take a picture of you up there!"
"Okay, but if I fall off this catwalk and die, I am SO haunting this theater!"
So the Cursed Pirates had gotten back to the dreaded Isla de Muerta and were currently taking Kurt to the cursed treasure of Cortés himself.
"No reason to fret, man," Evan was saying to Kurt. "Just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood."
"No mistakes this time," Rob said. "He's only half Darkholme. We spill it all!" And he cackled idio-evilly.
Evan and Scott watched Rob lead Kurt away, still cackling idio-evilly. "Guess there is reason to fret, then," he said, and he and Scott laughed.
However Long Later…
Kurt was bending over the treasure chest, with Magsy holding the knife, about to start his lame speech again. And all the Cursed Pirates were gathered around, chanting "ho" over and over. Again. It's kinda lame the second time around.
Thank Rob for Remy, who was steadily making his way toward Magsy, confusing all the CJMs that he passed. "Beg y'r pardon, beg y'r pardon," he said as he squeezed by.
"Begun by blood…" Magsy began.
"Excusez-moi," Remy said.
"By blood und-" Remy had finally pushed his way to the front, stopping Magsy from saying his lame speech, and also stopping all the Cursed Pirates saying ho. Well, Scott was still chanting it until Evan punched him and turned his head about 45 degrees.
Kurt looked up. "Remy!" he said, looking pretty damn surprised.
"It's not possible," Magsy said.
"Not probable," Remy corrected.
Kurt straightened. "Where's Kitty?"
Remy walked over to the bottom of the little rock the cursed treasure of Cortés himself was on, Ray holding him by the shoulder. Although Remy really could have knocked Ray over easily. "She's safe, just like Remy promised. She's all set to marry Norrin'ton, just like she promised. And y' get to die for her, just like y' promised. So we're all men of our word, really. Except for Kitty, who is, in fact, une chaton."
"Shut up!" Magsy said to Remy, who immediately started cracking up instead. "What's so funny?"
"Hearin' an old homme wit' a bucket on his head and a lame cape tell y' to shut up is…" Remy trailed off into laughter. So did all the CJMs.
Then an extremely short lady with black hair and glasses that took up over half of her face walked up to Magsy and ripped off his cape. "NO CAPES!" she yelled, and walked away, muttering about supers and their thick skulls. (1)
"Don't feel bad," Storm said. "She took mine, too."
But back to the movie. The two CJMs bent Kurt over the cursed treasure of Cortés himself and Magsy held the knife to his throat. "Y' don' want to be doin' dat, homme," Remy said to him.
"No, I really think I do," Magsy said.
Remy shrugged. "Y'r funeral."
Magsy rolled his eyes. "Why don't I want to be doing it?" he demanded resignedly.
"Well, because…" Remy slapped Ray's hand off his shoulder. "Because de HMS Dauntless, pride of de Royal Navy, is floatin' just offshore, waitin' for y'."
And indeed they were. All of the SJMs – plus Bobby and Sam and Pietro – sat stiffly in their little rowboats. "What are we doing here?" Bobby asked Sam.
Sam sighed. "The pahrates come out, unprepared an' unaware. We catch 'em in a crossfire, send 'em down to see Old Hob."
"I know why we're here," Bobby said. "I meant, why aren't we doing what Mr. LeBeau said we should do with the cannons and all?"
"Because it was Mr. LeBeau who said it," Pietro said.
Bobby looked back at Sam. "You think he wasn't telling the truth?" he asked.
Do You Really Wanna Know The Answer To That Question…
"Just hear Remy out, homme," Remy said to Magsy. "Y' order y'r men to row to de Dauntless, dey do what dey do best-"
"Bug them to death?" one CJM asked another, who rolled his eyes.
"Logan's y'r uncle, Stormy's y'r aunt," Remy said. "Dere y' are wit' two ships."
"Haha, very funny," Storm said dryly offstage.
Remy ignored her. "De makin's of y'r very own fleet. Of course, y'll take de grandest as y'r flagship, and who's to argue? But what of de Pearl? Name Remy captain. Remy'll sail under y'r colors. Remy'll give y' ten percent of my plunder. And y' get to introduce y'self as Commodore Magsy. D'accord?"
"I suppose in exchange, you want me not to kill the elf," Magsy said.
"Non, non, non. Not at all," Remy said. "By all means, kill de elf."
"Thanks, I feel so loved," Kurt said sarcastically.
"Y'r welcome," Remy said. He turned back to Magsy. "Just not yet. Wait to lift de curse until de opportune moment." He flashed Kurt a Remy's-really-talkin'-to-y'-so-y'-better-be-payin'-attention look. "For instance," he continued, picking up a handful of Medallions (DMP), "After y've killed Norrin'ton's men. Every-" He dropped in a Medallion (DMP). "-Last-" He dropped in another one. "-One." He dropped in a third one, and secretly hid the last in his hand.
Kurt saw it. "You've been planning this from the beginning!" he said. "Ever since you learned my name."
"Ouai," Remy said. (2)
"I want fifty percent of your plunder," Magsy said.
"Fifteen," Remy said.
"Forty."
"Twenty-five. Remy'll buy y' de hat," Remy said. "A really big one, Commodore."
Magsy shook Remy's hand. "We have an accord."
"All hands to de boats!" Remy called out.
Magsy gave him a Look.
"Apologies," Remy said. "Y' give de orders."
"Boys," Magsy yelled. "Take a walk." All the Cursed Pirates laughed and walked off…why are they taking torches with them?
Remy looked worried. "Not to de boats?" he asked. Magsy gave him another Look.
Evan and Scott started walking off when Ray stopped them with a parasol. They looked down at it, then up at Ray, who had a very evil smile on his face.
I would just like to point out now that the moon is completely visible.
Über Cool CGI Effects…
The Cursed Pirates were walking underneath the Dauntless, scaring all the fishies away. Gee, I wonder why…
So anyway, since I don't really feel like describing the camera panning all around the Cursed Pirates, let's cut to the chase. An über-P.O'd looking CJM with dreadlocks was leading the way, with Ray and Rob not too far behind. Evan and Scott aren't there…hm…
"No!" Evan was yelling offstage. "I am NOT wearing that! You can't make me!"
"Oh, come on, Evan," Scott said. "They're not that bad. And you get to wear fake moles! Just like Christina Aguilera!"
Evan looked at Scott oddly. "Are you queer," he asked. "Or just plain stupid?"
"Just plain stupid," Ororo answered for Scott. "I thought we'd cleared that up a few chapters ago. Now shut up and put on the French Maid outfit."
"Over my dead body," Evan said.
"That can be arranged," an all too familiar voice said. Evan turned around and squeaked like a fat mouse face to face with a cat.
"Sorry we took so long," LLAMA said, popping up next to EMOO. "But you would not believe how hard it is to find a skateboard that can beat the Porcupine's head into a bloody pulp without breaking."
Evan squeaked again.
"What about the rest of the F.SPYKEttes?" Ororo asked.
"They're at Skatopia," EMOO said.
"Ah," Ororo said.
"What's your excuse?" Scott asked HULA.
"They want you dead, and you're asking them why they weren't here?" Evan asked incredulously.
"Well, SODA wanted to go surfing," HULA said. "So after we dropped him off in Hawaii, we got attacked by fangirls demanding FGSCs."
"FGS-whats?" Evan asked.
"FanGirl Scout Cookies," EMOO said.
"Here, try a Thin Mint," LLAMA said, handing one to Evan. It was in the shape of his face…with a stake right through each eye.
"Is this poisoned or something?" Evan asked.
"Evan, relax," Scott said, munching on a Samoa featuring his face spouting chocolate frosting blood from a bullet wound between his eyes. "They have skateboards and surfboards of DOOM for a reason."
"That's not very comforting," Evan said.
"Of course it isn't," Ororo said. "Now get in the French Maid dress!"
Back To Those Little Rowboats…
Pietro squinted at a little rowboat coming out of the cave. The SJMs – plus Bobby and Sam – immediately cocked their rifles, but Pietro noticed that whoever was in it were wearing French Maid dresses and carrying big parasols.
"This is just like what the Greeks did at Troy!" Scott said excitedly. "Except they were in a horse instead of dresses. A wooden horse. And Brad Pitt was there. And Sean Bean. Even though Achilles really was supposed to be dead already. He got shot in the heel before then. And Paris should have been dead too. And Hector's wife and son never escaped through those tunnels. That guy with the torch and the old man did, though. He went on to found Italy, you know," Scott added to Evan with a nod. "And Helen detested Paris after Aphrodite's love magic ended. And the gods actually fought in the war. And the war lasted nine years. The movie made it seem like it lasted three months. And I don't know whatever happened to Atlas, but…the point is, he was supposed to be there. And Achilles was supposed to be dead, and his armor went do Odysseus, who did something with them after Atlas went mental and killed himself. They had to build a huge stone tomb for him because he didn't die in battle, so they couldn't cremate him. And Paris should've been a lot more cowardly and pompous and all-around hate-worthy. And Philoctetes should've been there. He killed Paris with Hercules's poisoned arrows. Except they had to rescue him from the island of Lesbos. And please be mature about the name," Scott added with a shake of his head. "You know, some person wrote a romance book about Philoctetes. He wasn't a satyr, by the way. No, he was human. He was a young man when Hercules died, actually. He lit Hercules's funeral pyre. Hercules actually had an interesting and tragic death…but back to the book. It's called Sirena by Donna Jo Napoli. I think Bobby read it…don't ask me why."
"I think it might have been because it had topless sirens in it," Robbie said.
"No, I think it was because the guy was naked for most of the book," Ray.
"HEY!" Bobby yelled.
"Meep," Ray meeped, and ran for it.
"Can I have your earrings after you die?" Pietro called after him.
Everyone stared at him. "What?" Pietro said. "I don't see any of you with pierced ears."
"Actually," Rob said. "After that incident during X Mulan…"
"Oh, well, in that case," Pietro said with a snicker, "I think Robbie will need them more than I do."
Robbie glared at him. "Wait," he said. "Since when is my name Robbie?"
Since a few seconds ago. Rob was too boring, but Roberto's too long. And my friend's little brother's name is Robbie.
"What does that have to do with me?" Robbie demanded.
Absolutely nothing. I mean, you're Brazilian and he's Filipino. You're a mutant and he plays the bells. Or whatever you call those things that are like xylophones but aren't. Oh yeah, and he plays the slide trombone. And I think he can skateboard.
"…Riiight," Robbie said.
Scott went back to his monologue. "And Paris had had an affair with some witch lady, and he had a son. Only when his son came to Troy Paris killed him. And after Philoctetes shot Paris he went to the witch lady, except she wouldn't heal him because he had killed their son. I personally agree with her," Scott added with another nod to Evan. "Anyway, so he died, and then the witch lady had a change of heart and she went to heal him, except then she found his funeral pyre still burning, and she threw herself onto the pyre and died. Now, I don't agree with her on that. That's more than a little crazy. And in the movie they never mentioned that guy who suspected there was something up with the wooden horse, except then he and his sons were killed by snakes or something. In the movie they had Paris do that, except Paris should have been dead by then. And Brad Pitt really didn't do Achilles much justice…" (3)
Evan rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, the Cursed Pirates were climbing up the ropes tying the Dauntless down in all their rotting, decaying, slimy glory.
And Now For A Meaningful Father-Daughter Moment…
Yeah, right.
"A moment, please," Beast said to the SJM standing guard outside Kitty's cabin…thing, who left. "Kitty?" He knocked on the door. "I just want you to know that I believe you made a very good decision today."
Inside the cabin…thing, Kitty paused in putting on an SJM jacket, then continued when she saw that Beast wasn't coming in.
Beast sat down outside and continued. "Couldn't be more proud of you. But, you know, even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision."
Meanwhile, a CJM with a knife in his mouth slowly started climbing onto the ship.
"Look into that," Toad was saying to a SJM. "Report back, yo." He turned around and noticed the rowboat with the French Maids.
"Yoo-hoo!" Scott called out to the SJMs, who shuddered.
Meanwhile, the Cursed Pirates climbed onto the ship and stealthily made their way toward the unsuspecting SJMs. Poor guys.
"Kitty?" Beast called when he noticed that Kitty wasn't giving him an answer. "Are you there?" He got up and went inside the cabin…thing. "Kitty, are you even listening to me?"
Apparently not. A bunch of sheets tied together to make a rope led down to the water, where Kitty was rowing away.
Also, the Cursed Pirates were now killing the SJMs very silently. You gotta admit, they're good.
And then Beast saw the sheets. "Oh, what have you done?" he said.
"Oooh!" Scott called again.
"Stop that!" Evan snapped. "I already feel like an idiot. Or a transvestite."
Pyro started cracking up insanely offstage. "Hehehe…Transylvanian transvestite!" he cackled.
"We've gotta stop lettin' him watch Rocky Horror," Rogue said.
"And sniff Pixie Stix," Jubilee added as she tipped five Pixie Stix down her throat.
"DID SOMEONE SAY PIXIE STIX?" Pyro demanded.
Jubilee hid the box of Pixie Stix behind her back. "No, um, I said…Dipsy Shits."
"Oh," Pyro said, nodding. "That makes sense." He started laughing at Evan again. "TRANSYLVANIAN TRANSVESTITE!"
Evan glared at him.
"You look nice, though," Scott said helpfully.
That, apparently, was the last straw for our dear little Spyke. He dropped his parasol and throttled Scott very Homer-throttling-Bart-esquely. "I look nice!" he yelled.
Unfortunately, doing that put both of them in full path of the moonlight. And Toad just happened to be watching through his hand-dandy spyglass at the time. Evan shot a spike at him. It wasn't a very good shot, though, and he only succeeded in knocking Toad's dorky hat off. Of course, as soon as Toad turned around he saw the CJMs. Way to go, Evan.
Of course, a big fight ensued, with the CJMs winning. Beast opened the door to the cabin…thing and looked out just in time to see a SJM get killed right in front of him. A CJM was still repeatedly stabbing it for some odd reason. After staring in horror for a minute, Beast closed the door to cower inside the cabin…thing.
Back In The Cave Of The Dreaded Isla De Muerta…
Remy was wandering around, looking at a gold statue of a…something. Duncan was guarding Kurt, Principal (or is it Senator? Oh well) Kelly was sitting around, and Paul was skipping rocks. Why did I use them? Cuz I felt like torturing those damn mutant haters! "I must admit, Gambit," Magsy said. "I thought I had you figured. But it turns out you're a hard man to predict."
"Me?" Remy said, tossing away the gold…statue…thing with a clang. "Remy's dishonest. And a dishonest homme y' can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's de honest ones y' want to watch out for, because y' can never predict when dey're goin' to do somet'in' incredibly stupid." (4) He took a sword from Paul and shoved him in the water. He tossed the sword to Kurt, who caught it and shoved over Duncan. Magsy got up and drew his sword, and he and Remy started a Really Cool Swordfight That the Authoress Can't Explain.
Kelly slashed at Kurt with his sword, who turned so that he instead cut through his ropes. Nice trick. He then started fighting Kelly and Duncan, who had just gotten up.
Remy and Magsy were fighting, blah, blah, blah. Then Remy cut Magsy's hat off. Well, that really seemed to piss old Magsy off. So more vicious fighting that I can't explain at all ensued…
On The Black Pearl…
Kitty had gotten to the Black Pearl and was climbing up the side of it, passing by two CJMs sitting at a table loaded with food. "Right," the first CJM said. "What would you pick to eat first?"
"I think we should decide now," the other CJM said. "Just so we're ready when the time comes."
"CAKE!" they both yelled.
Kitty finally swung herself onto the deck, turned around and – GAH! IT'S HIDEOUS!
Monkey Dude hung down in front of her, screeching his rotting head off.
Kitty glared at him.
Monkey Dude got scared.
Thirty Seconds Later…
The two CJMs heard a clunk and looked out the little cannon window in time to see Monkey Dude land straddling the cannon and slide off. Ouch.
Kitty looked over the edge to watch Monkey Dude fall into the water – and saw the two CJMs! GASP!
Literally. The two CJMs looked up, saw her, and immediately went off after her.
Kitty ran down the stairs to below the deck, saw the CJMs heading up, and ran and hid. Like many chase scenes, the two CJMs ran right by her and continued on up the stairs. After a few seconds, Kitty crept out and ran down the stairs.
Back in the cells, Logan heard a noise. "Shut up!" he growled, turning to see who was there. "Half-Pint!"
Back To The Dauntless…
The SJMs were losing. Badly. Although that's kind of a no-duh, considering the CJMs are pretty much immortal.
Oh, but one brave SJM managed to ring that big old bell before he was brutally slaughtered by an over-exuberant CJM.
Back in the rowboats, Pietro finally turned around and saw the little flashes of gunshots. "Holy – what the hell?" he gasped.
Bobby and Sam looked up from where they were playing Slapjack. "Oh, you didn't notice those?" Bobby asked, looking up. Sam took the opportunity to slap the Jack of Diamonds Bobby had just lain down. "I heard those from the moment Evan shot Toad's hat off."
"And you didn't tell me this WHY?" Pietro demanded.
"Because it was crucial to the plot that those soldiers out there died," Sam explained.
"Not really," Pietro said.
"Well, vahlence is cool," Sam said, slapping the Two of Spades he had just put down over Bobby's Two of Hearts. "Yah know," he added to Bobby, "Yah suck at playin' cards."
"If we had an Xbox and some video games, I would be kicking your ass right now," Bobby said.
"And then Jamie would kick yahrs," Sam said.
"SHUT UP AND ROW!" Pietro screeched at them.
"Touchy," Bobby muttered.
In Kitty's Cabin…Thing…
Beast stared through the window at the fighting going on like an idiot until a CJM was slammed against it and slid down with a squeaking noise. Ew. Then Robbie noticed Beast.
"That can't be good," Beast muttered.
A second later, three skeletal hands shot through the glass. One grabbed Beast's hideous wig and yanked it off. Of course, Beast had to be a vain idiot and went and smashed through the arm.
Back In The Cave…
Remy was losing…wait. Remy was losing? Okay, whatever. He tripped over a rock, got up, parried, and fell over again when Magsy punched him.
Magsy tossed his sword away. "You can't beat me, Gambit," he said.
Remy got up and stabbed Magsy right in the stomach. Magsy looked down at it, then rolled his eyes and sighed a Can-he-get-ANY-stupider Sigh. Then he yanked it out and stabbed Remy. Look, there's, like, two inches sticking out of his back! COOL!
Remy gasped and choked, backing up into a conveniently placed spot of moonlight. Magsy looked shocked. For once. Remy examined one of his skeletonified hands. "Dat's interestin'," he said.
Kurt conked Paul over the head with the hilt of his sword (not doing him any brain damage, since Paul's head was trapped in a big gold goblet), shoved him away, and stared up at Remy. Well, yeah, he does look pretty freaky.
Remy did the cool finger thing with The Medallion (DMP). "Couldn' resist, homme," he said to Magsy, who made a "pfft" noise and threw a handful of gold coins at him. Remy ducked, yanked the sword out of him, and everyone continued fighting.
Beast vs. The Hand…
Well, at least Beast was winning. He looked like a complete idiot pounding at it with a paper scroll, but at least he was winning.
When it was finally still he picked it up by the stringy thing where its elbow would've been…and then it came back to life! AAAHHHHHH! After struggling for a while, he finally shoved into a drawer and shut it. Then the entire desk started shaking. That is one persistent hand.
Back To Kurt…
Okay, those mutant-haters must really be stupid. After slashing at Kurt twice, Kelly lunged and stabbed him…except Kurt stepped aside at the last moment and Kelly ended up stabbing Duncan. Then Kurt jumped behind Kelly so that Duncan stabbed him. They stared at Kurt, then yanked out their swords and ran after him.
Back To The Black Pearl…
The two CJMs wandered around on deck, looking pretty paranoid. They leaned over the railing…
And a lifeboat swung down and knocked them into the water. Poor dudes…
All the TJMs…plus Logan…plus Rogue…plus Sabey struck supposedly fierce poses that only turned out dorky. Kitty ran for the lifeboat. "All of you with me!" she yelled. "Kurt's in that cave, and we have to, like, save him! Ready? And, heave!" And she tugged on the rope. Of course, being the tiny pipsqueak she is, the boat didn't even move. She turned around to see all the TJMs…plus Logan…plus Rogue…plus Sabey giving her identical Riiiiight Looks. "Please, I, like, need your help! Come on!"
Mystique squawked. "Any port in a storm." Sabey gave her a cracker. She bit him on the ear. Hard.
"Sabey's right," Logan said while said Sabey ran around the deck, howling and snatching futilely at his new earring. "We've got the Pearl."
"Like, what about Remy?" Kitty asked. "Are you gonna leave him?"
"Hey, tha Swamp Rat's gettin' off easy fo' his punishment," Rogue said. "Cheatin' on meh with Jean of all people-"
"NOT'IN' HAPPENED!" Remy yelled.
Rogue ignored him. "-gettin' drunk on a godforsaken spit of land, flirtin' with yah, AND namin' yah Duchess of tha place!"
"What?" Kitty said.
"Remy named Kurt Duke," Remy suggested.
"That's not gonna help yah, Swamp Rat," Rogue said.
"Look, Stripes," Logan said to Rogue. "Maybe we should listen to Half-Pint. I mean, Remy is my drinking buddy, after all."
Rogue growled at him.
"Sorry, Half-Pint, can't help ya," Logan said quickly to Kitty.
Five minutes later found Kitty rowing away by herself. "Bloody pirates," she muttered.
On The Dauntless…
"Hey," Scott said to Evan.
"What?" Evan snapped.
"Is it supposed to be doing that?" Scott asked, pointing at the Black Pearl, which was sailing away.
"They're stealing our ship!" Evan said.
"Bloody pirates!" Scott yelled.
Meanwhile, Pietro and his crew finally got to the Dauntless and climbed on. Pietro shot Rob in the face (gee, he seems to be getting shot in the face a lot), which had no effect on him whatsoever. Well, it actually ticked him off a bit.
One idiotical SJM swung a swinging pulley thingie at Ray. Unsurprisingly, he missed. Surprisingly, the swinging pulley thingie hit Scott on the back of his head, knocking his faulty wooden ruby quartzsunglasses off. "My sunglasses!" Scott shrieked, squeezing his eyes shut and feeling around on the deck for them.
Bobby and Sam finally climbed up onto the deck. They took one look at the battle, shook hands, and ran into the fray, screaming like idiots. At least they had their swords drawn.
Back In The Cave…
Kurt dove out of the way of a bomb, landing rather painfully on a rock. Kelly towered over him. "I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain!" he said.
"You like pain?" Kitty demanded, hitting him with a long gold staff thingie. "Like, try wearing a corset." She held out the staff thingie to Kurt to help him up and they almost had a Moment…
Until Kitty saw Remy and Magsy fighting, both in rotting form. "Whose side is Remy on?" she asked.
"At the moment?" Kurt said. Kitty nodded and ran off after the CJMs. Paul had finally managed to pry the big gold goblet off his head…just in time for Kitty to whack him across the face. Then she and Kurt shoved the staff thingie through all three of them – with a little help from Kitty's phasing. Then Tabby came running up out of nowhere, shoved a handful of bombs into Kelly's ribcage, and ran off again, laughing evilly and screaming something about Freedom, Beauty, Truth, Love, and Absinthe. (5) Kurt and Kitty shoved the mutant haters out of the moonlight, leaving Kelly tugging uselessly at his stomach. "No fair," he whimpered. And then a bomb blew up the White House! Accompanied by a cheesy bum bum bum bu-nu-num!
"That was actually footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real bomb would have been a lot like that," the REAL Jamie said. (6) "And unless you want Tabby to actually blow them up, I demand 100 billion gazillion quadrillion…yen.(7) Wait, scratch that, make that Canadian money instead."
"OH, CANADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Logan sang. Very badly.
Pyro immediately clapped his hands over his ears and rolled around on the floor. "Make it stop, make it stop!" he screamed.
"Actually, that's all of the song I know anyway," Logan said. "I'll get the rest of it off the Internet for ya." (8)
Über Dramaticness!
Kurt and Kitty both ran for the treasure chest, except Kurt, being a teleporter, got there first. Remy noticed this, grabbed his Medallion (DMP), slit his palm, and threw it at Kurt. Magsy pulled out his pistol and pointed it at Kitty, who stood dead still (obviously forgetting that she could phase through the bullet).
AND THEN THERE WAS A GUNSHOT!
AND KITTY JUMPED!
Only, the shot didn't come from Magsy's pistol! It came from (GASP) Remy's! And it was pointed at Magsy! WOW I SO DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!
"Ten years you carried that pistol," Magsy said to Remy, "And now you waste your shot."
"He didn't vaste it," Kurt said über dramatically. And he opened his hand and dropped the two bloody Medallions (DMP) even more über dramatically into the chest.
And then Magsy ripped open his shirt to reveal a bloody hole right over where his heart should be. Cool, look at all that blood spilling out. Staining the shirt. COOL! "I feel…" Magsy said über dramatically. "…Cold. Wait. Where's my apple? I can't die without my apple!"
Kitty grabbed an apple conveniently located on Logan's claws and handed it to Magsy. "Here."
"Thank you," Magsy said. And he flopped to the ground, dead. And the apple rolled out of his hand über dramatically.
"MY DADDY'S DEAD!" Pietro wailed. "WHY? WHY?"
"No, wait, he might not be dead," Pyro said cheerfully, hooking Magsy up to a heart monitor. There was a flat green line and a long, long, LONG beeping noise.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Pietro sobbed.
"Yes, that is y equals n," Beast said. "That's how you know the difference between x equaling a number and y equaling a number," he explained to several Jamies sitting around him. "When x equals a number, it's always vertical on a graph, but when y equals a number, it's always horizontal. And an easy way to remember this is what's happening right now. See, Pietro's yelling 'yyyyyyyyy.' The line's flat, and he's yelling 'yyyyyyyy.' That's how you can remember: Whenever someone dies, their line goes horizontal, and someone yells 'yyyyyyyyyyyyy'!" (9)
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," the Jamies chorused.
Pietro latched onto the thing nearest him and sobbed into it. Of course, that thing turned out to be Ray. "Why do all the guys cry on me?" he said.
Everyone turned to Bobby – well, except for Pietro. Bobby shrugged. "He's always nearby."
"And the look on his face is hilarious," Robbie added.
"Hey, why aren't you crying?" Pyro asked Wanda. "I mean, Magsy did have Monkey Dude alter your memories and all-"
"What?" Wanda said.
"Um…I said…Dipsy Shits," Pyro said.
"Oh," Wanda said. "That makes sense."
Pietro abruptly stopped crying. "Okay, I'm good," he said. "Ooh, cool! Look at my bloody sword!"
"Wait," Robbie said. "That's my blood!"
"Good point," Bobby said. "I mean, you do have those bleeding slits all over your face."
"You could have mentioned this before, you know," Robbie said crossly to Pietro.
"Well, EXCUSE ME if I was too busy making Ray extremely uncomfortable!" Pietro snapped back.
"…Is it just me," Robbie said. "Or did that sound wrong?"
"It's just yah,"Sam said.
"Oh, okay," Robbie said, shrugging. Then he keeled over and died.
"Wow, a lot of people die in this parody,"Bobby noted.
Robbie popped back up. "Yeah, it kinda sucks that I had to die twice," he said.
"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" Storm yelled, smiting him with a bolt of lightning.
"Sorry," Robbie said, keeling over and dying again.
"Okay, well, um, drop your swords!" Pietro yelled at the remaining Cursed Pirates, pointing his still bloody sword at them.
Robbie popped back up. "You know, now I've died three times," he said.
"Robbie…" Storm said threateningly.
"Four," Robbie said quickly, and keeled over…again.
"Drop your swords!" Pietro yelled at the Cursed Pirates.
"Um, this shirt feels worse than cold spit," Ray said. "Can I go now?"
"You're excused," Pietro said. Ray ran offstage. "Anyone else?" he asked.
"No, no we're good," the CJMs said.
"DROP YOUR SWORDS!" Pietro yelled again. (10)
And they did.
Scott stood up, having just managed to find his visor and put it on. "Parley?" Evan tried.
"The ship is ours, gentlemen," Pietro said.
"Do we really have to say 'huzzah'?" Sam asked.
"Yes," Pietro said.
"Why?" Bobby whined.
"Because I don't have to," Pietro said.
Bobby rolled his eyes. "Mahgt as well get this ovah with," Sam said.
"Huzzah!" Bobby, Sam, and the SJMs cheered. Beast came walking out of the cabin…thing and immediately started laughing at them.
Back In The Cave…
Kurt walked up to Kitty, and they were SO about to have a Moment…a really Romantic Moment…
And then Remy went and ruined it. Again. By shattering some expensive treasure thing. And he went on shattering treasure things, pretty much oblivious to them.
"We should, like, return to the Dauntless," Kitty said to Kurt.
"Your fiancé vill be vanting to know you're safe," Kurt said.
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwww," Pietro said offstage.
Remy walked up to Kurt after Kitty left. He was wearing a gold drown, several gold and pearl necklaces, and had that gold…statue…thing tucked under his arm. "If y' were waitin' for de opportune moment," he said. "Dat was it."
Kurt looked after Kitty like a lost puppy. Poor guy… "Now if y'll be so kind," Remy said. "Remy'd be much obliged if y'd drop Remy off at Remy's ship."
"I'm, like, sorry, Remy," Kitty said as they rowed out of the cave. Well, actually, Kurt rowed, Remy sat like a Cajun king with his crown on, and Kitty sat there apologizing.
"Remy got off pretty easy compared to what she could do," Remy said.
"Good point," Kitty said.
The Hanging!
Several SJMs drummed snares very formally, although they all looked like they were going to lose it and crack up any minute. Remy stood on the hanging platform, hands, tied, looking a bit depressed.
Ray the Officer Dude started reading off a scroll very boredly. "Remy LeBeau, be it known that you…"
"Captain," Remy said. "Captain Remy LeBeau."
"…For your willful commission of crimes against the crown." Meanwhile, a fuzzy blue boy with a really big fancy hat with a really big fancy feather in it pushed his way through the crowd. "Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature. The most egregious of those to be cited herewith. Piracy, smuggling…"
Kitty stood next to Beast and Pietro. "This is, like, totally messed up!" she said.
"Commodore Pietro is bound by the law," Beast said. "As are we all."
"…Impersonating an officer of the Spanish Royal Navy," Ray droned on. "Impersonating a cleric of the Church of England…"
"Oh yeah," Remy said with a grin.
"Sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity…"
Mystique the Parrot flew onto the flag thingie that Bobby and Sam were holding…and took a crap on Sam's shoulder.
Sam looked down at the bird poo on his shoulder, then glared up at Mystique. "It's because Ah'm a farmboy, isn't it?" he demanded.
"Ew, what have you been eating?" Bobby asked Mystique after glancing at the very runny bird poo.
"Sabey keeps stuffing crackers into my beak," Mystique said.
"They shouldn' be causin' that," Sam said, nodding at his shoulder.
"They're as old as Jamie," Mystique said.
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww," Bobby said.
"…Depredation, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes…"
Kurt finally noticed Mystique. "Hey! Vhat's my mother doing here?"
The drumming SJMs stopped drumming and stared at him. "No one told you to stop drumming!" Kurt snapped. They shrugged at each other and continued drumming.
"…You have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul," Ray finished. "Glad that's over."
Kurt walked over to where Kitty, Beast, and Pietro were standing. "Governor Beast, Commodore," he said, then turned to Kitty. "Kitty. I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you." And he turned and left.
"GASP! I SO DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!" Pietro yelled. "Wait, did I just say that out loud?"
Beast nodded.
"Well, everyone was thing that anyway," Pietro said.
The drumming SJMs started a drumroll as Evan the Executioner Dude put the noose around Remy's neck. Kurt shoved his way through the crowd toward the hanging platform. Kitty finally noticed Mystique as she flew off.
"Marines," Pietro said, starting forward.
"I, like, can't breathe," Kitty gasped.
No one noticed.
"I said, I, like, can't breathe!" Kitty yelled.
No one noticed.
"I'm about to commit suicide!" Kitty yelled.
No one noticed.
"I'm carrying Kurt's blue fuzzy child!" Kitty yelled.
No one noticed.
"I…hate Pixie Stix?" Kitty tried.
Everyone gasped and stared at her.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN!" Pyro demanded. Actually, he demanded it between sniffing Pixie Stix stolen from Jubilee, so it sounded more like "WHAT (sniff) IS WRONG (sniff sniff) WITH YOU, (snifffffff) WOMAN!" (sniffffff snifffffffff snifffffffff COUGH HACK GASP CHOKE).
Pietro grabbed a Pixie Stick from Pyro. "I'm going in," he said. "Beast, hold her down."
"Wha-" Kitty began, and was immediately tackled and pinned down by Beast while Pietro tried to empty the Pixie Stick into her mouth.
Meanwhile, the hanging resumed. Evan walked over to the edge of the platform to pull the lever, and Kurt shoved his way through the crowd even faster.
"I-" Kittysneezed as Pietro managed to empty the Pixie Stick everywhere but in her mouth. "I was, like, kidding!" she yelled, phasing through both of them.
"What?" Beast said. He glanced over at the Remy, then at Kurt, then back at her. "Oh," he said, rolling his eyes.
And Evan pulled the lever. Kurt yanked out his sword and threw it at the dropping trapdoor, so that it lodged there and Remy had something to stand on. A millimeter lower and it would have been useless.
Kurt yanked out another sword and ran up onto the hanging platform to fence with Evan, who was wielding an axe. After clashing blades a little bit to close to Remy's head, Evan knocked the sword out of Kurt's grip, swung at Kurt, totally missed, and instead cut through the rope tied to the post. Remy dropped to the ground and used the sword to cut through the ropes tying his hands together. Kurt shoved Evan over onto Pietro, did an unnecessary flip off the hanging platform, and the two started running.
Remy threw one end of the rope from his noose to Kurt, and they tripped three SJMs with it. Despite the fact that they just witnessed this happening, two more SJMs did the exact same thing. Then Remy and Kurt ran around opposite ends of a post and yanked hard on the rope, trapping two SJMs there.
And then they were surrounded.
Kurt grabbed a sword from an SJM and held it out against the many rifle blade thingies pointed at them. Remy blew the big feather on Kurt's hat out of his face.
Pietro walked over to Kurt, holding his sword against his. "I thought we might have to endure some ill-conceived escape attempt. But I didn't expect the Pixie Stix."
Kitty paused in downing Pixie Stix with Jubilee. "I WAS, LIKE, KIDDING!" she yelled.
Beast walked up to Kurt. "On our return to Port Royal, I granted you clemency," he said. "And this is how you thank me? By throwing in your lot with him? He's a pirate!"
"And a good man!" Kurt said. "Vell, sometimes," he admitted. "If all I have achieved here is that Evan will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. But seriously, Evan better not take my boots," he added.
"You forget your place, Wagner," Pietro said.
"It's right here," Kurt replied. "Between you and Remy."
Kitty walked up to stand next to Kurt. "As is mine," she said.
"Kitty!" Beast said. "Lower your weapons," he said to the SJMs. "For goodness sake, put them down!"
And they did.
"So this is where your heart truly lies, then?" Pietro asked Kitty.
"It is," Kitty said.
"THANK ROBBIE!" Pietro yelled. Everyone stared at him. "What?" he demanded. "The Authoress won't let me use the Lord's name in vain."
"And Robbie is your alternative?" Kurt said skeptically.
"Well, he did die four times in one parody," Pietro said.
"Good point," Kurt admitted.
"Well!" Remy said. "Remy's actually feelin' quite good 'bout dis. Remy t'ink we've all arrived at a very special place," he leaned into Beast's face. Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically." He walked over to Pietro. "Remy want y' to know dat Remy was rootin' for y', homme."
"Are you serious?" Pietro demanded.
"Non, pas de tout," Remy said. He walked over to Kitty. "Kitty. It would never have worked between us, chere. Je regrette." Kitty gave him a Riiiiight Look. He turned and walked away mock-sorrowfully. Then he remembered Kurt and turned around again. "Kurt." Kurt turned around. "…Nice hat."
Remy walked on up to the edge of the battlement. "Mes amis," he said. "Dis is de day dat y' will always remember as de day dat-" He tripped and fell over the edge of the battlement. Backwards. And landed in the water with a splash.
"Idiot," Toad said. "He has nowhere to go but back to the noose, yo."
Remy came back up to the surface gasping and spitting out water. Well, it wasn't the most graceful dive. Actually, it wasn't even a dive. "Sail ho!" Logan's voice yelled. Everyone turned to see the Black Pearl not too far off. Remy grinned and started swimming to it.
"Hey, what's your plan of action?" Toad asked Pietro.
"Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy," Beast said. "Piracy itself can be the right course?"
"Mr. Wagner," Pietro said, holding up his sword. "This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life. Except eating Gut Bombs," he added.
"Thanks," Kurt said. "…I think." Pietro turned and walked away.
"Commodore!" Toad said, running after him. "What about Gambit?"
"Well, I think we can afford to give him one day's head start," Pietro said. And he and all the soldiers left.
"So," Beast said to Kitty. "This is the path you've chosen, is it? After all, he is an acrobat."
"No," Kitty said, taking Kurt's fancy hat off. "He's a fuzzy elf." Cue über romantic and clichéd and it's-about-damn-time kiss!
"MY STARS AND GARTERS!" Beast gasped. "I SO DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!"
The End!
(1) – "My god, you've gotten fat." Please tell me you know who she is. Hehehe…Brad Bird rocketh!
(2) – Dat's français for yeah.
(3) – And you don't even want to hear the rest of it. But seriously, that's a wee bit of my rant on the movie Troy – only with a lot more like's and yeah's and you know's and totally's and dude's…wow, I never realized just how much I sound like Kitty – which sucked SO bad. I still don't get how people can like that movie but claim that A Knight's Tale was historically inaccurate – like it was meant to be taken literally! They used a Nike sign on the armor, had vendors selling duck and beer at the jousts, and did the "We Will Rock You" thing! Although I suppose that is the same sort of people that say that Guess Who is racist against whites…
(4) – Not as great as "But why is de rum gone?", but I love this line too.
(5) – Oh, the hiiiiills are aliiiiiiive with the sound of MUSIC! Vive la vie de bohem! (The Moulin Rouge)
(6) – Doctor Evil is SO MUCH COOLER than Austin Powers. The quote (and the bomb) was from Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me, in the scene when Dr. Evil demands 100 billion from the Prez.
(7) – That wasfrom Austin Powers in Goldmember.
(8) – That one was actually from the Disney Channel TV show Lizzie McGuire. It was in the episode when Kate smashes the head of the first Principal or something ("Hey you kids, cut that out!") and Lizzie's debating over whether to squeal on her or not. Gordo was suggesting she move to Canada and get a job as a lumberjack. But the really scary part is, I know this all off the top of my head.
(9) – That is actually how my 8th grade Pre-Algebra teacher taught my class how to remember the difference between when x equals a number on the graph and y equals a number. It's not exactly the most comforting way to remember, but that's seriously the only way I remember the difference now!
(10) – Wow, I'm doing a lot of these. That was adapted from The Emperor's New Groove, an über funny animated movie! Except Yzma was yelling at the soldiers to go after Llama!Cuzco and Pacha, and then the soldier dude said something like, "Hey, I just got turned into a cow, can I go home now?" Which, considering the dude was a GUY, must be pretty disturbing. If you haven't seen it, I pity you. It has David Spade (Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Capitol One Commercials)AND John Goodman (Fred from The Flinstones – the live movie, Sulley from Monsters, Inc., dude, you should know him) AND Eartha Kitt (Madame Zeroni from Holes, and I think she was the original Catwoman or something) AND Patrick Warburton (Buzz from Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Mr. Barkin from Kim Possible)!
Hahaha, no that wasn't the end! There's always a post-parody chappie, you should know that! Click on, people, click on!
