A/N: Bows repeatedly Many apologies, I don't have any valid excuse so here's the next chapter.
Warning: Kinky stuff.
Entry 17
There comes a time when a person knows he's done all he could and despite how he feels or what external pressures are influencing him, he must stop and look back. Oh sure, they say that those who truly go far are the ones who never give up and I agree, but sometimes you have to wonder where you're going or even if the goal you're heading towards is the still the same. Stop running for a second and think about where you're heading and maybe you'll change your mind.
It wasn't a surprise that he'd leave or even stay away from home for a couple of days. In fact, it was somewhat disappointing for someone so strong-willed to be looking for the "easy way out" rather than think deeper on the subject and search for a better solution. But then again, that just shows more of the human side to my yami, the side the spirit purposely kept hidden because he assumes he is different from others (which is partially true). People have weakness, they make mistakes, and that's something all of us learns eventually.
It bothered me to contemplate on whether or not he meant what he said. The subject of his past and ambiguous "death" was an especially touchy one and when I think about it, I guess I deserved all that. I just wonder how it got to that when initially it had been Serenity we were arguing over. Funny how topics can go in such diverse directions. Just not that funny.
Maybe I am a mistake.
Didn't bother me that much though.
Not really.
Mistake or not, I had to redeem myself. It didn't take sofu or omaasan's lectures for me to do it. I just did it on my own. Sometimes it seemed like they were expecting me to do it, kind of like a test. Passing the test would be to take the hint and go out on my own. Not that I wouldn't instinctively do it right away, it's just that anger can be very blinding. Clap. Clap. You've made it past the first level. Maybe you've learned something from living here after all.
Although I was concerned, the search wasn't quite so… desperate. That was where the guilt came in. I should have been going crazy from worrying and running everywhere calling "Yami! Yami! Come home! I'm sorry! You're right, I'm a mistake but it was mistake for you to leave. Omaasan and sofu care a lot about you, more than they do me now. You have magic, you have powers, you have everything, so one little thing shouldn't change all that. Please come home, you'll catch something being out here for so long." Or something like that. And if not that loudly, subtly, like trying to catch hints of pieces of his clothes, personal items etc.
Thing is, that's where it became complicated. That would have been the case had the genuine feeling of concern been my main motive for searching for him. But it wasn't. I'm not sure whether my reason for searching for him is because I want to apologize or because knowing it's all my fault is forcing me to do it against my will. Maybe I want to confront him and go back to our earlier discussion except this time, into more depth. Then again, I would end up repeating the cycle all over again. Complicated indeed.
And then there was the issue of his reaction upon seeing me with my box of mystery emotions. Would he bow up? Walk away confidently? Stare sternly at me? Or simply ignore my presence altogether? Would offering to give him the item for keeps influence his reaction?
It only took me three days. Three days to wander the streets, three days to get the info I needed and three days to realise that no matter how many possible scenarios I play in my head, God will strike me with something new in order to teach me a lesson about thinking I can control my life. Actually, this was a lesson I've learned awhile back but was just refreshed.
After being misled into thinking he was hiding himself in a "gay bar," retirement home, police station and the local corner store, I found him in a remote part of the park. It's strange how you tend to find people you're looking for in a park but then again, parks provide great hiding places, shelters and privacy. And boy did he need privacy.
I took the less travelled path through the woods because I didn't want people to see me. Not that I had anything to hide, I just didn't want to become too distracted from my "mission," especially when I was on the verge of turning back anyways. I had a difficult time navigating through the fallen trees and rough terrain but in the end, doing so proved to be for the best.
I couldn't tell at first because it looked awkward and out of place but upon closer inspection, I realised that it was indeed my yami and yes there was a woman sitting on his lap. She had deep violet eyes which exuded an aura of warmth and seduction and a waterfall of shiny, golden curls that bounced whenever she laughed. She must have had a thing for purple because aside from the white tube-top, that was the only colour she wore. Just by glancing at her, one could tell she was the type who could get any man she wanted just by giving her hair a flip or sneaking in a mysterious wink. The fact that she had my yami held tightly in her arms was… actually I wasn't sure what it was. Funny wasn't exact the word I would have used, nor surprising or even interesting. It was just awkward.
The thing that bothered me the most was he seemed so, so happy. Not genuinely happy though, sort of wirily happy as if she was the only thing keeping him from going insane. At this point he didn't have the luxury of picking and choosing, he just clung onto the closest source he could find.
And Serenity?
Well, that was my first question too. Had he decided to give up on her? Maybe he got over it? For some reason, he getting over it didn't seem like the case. Sure, he had closed off the mind link so I couldn't access his thoughts but something about the situation told me there was something more dubious going on.
"Cut the charade, hun, you're free now."
"He'll find out."
"No he won't, we're alone here, just as you wanted."
She caressed his cheek with a delicate hand and gave the corner of his mouth a tender, slow kiss. He closed his eyes and leaned closer towards her warmth, resting his head on the nape of her neck. The woman smiled, a smile that would have clearly been dark (almost sinister) hadn't she veiled it was the illusive warmth in her eyes. No it wasn't my imagination; it was clearly a Black widow smile.
"You know as well as I do that you got it all now, so it's about time you move on."
"If only it was that easy."
Her lips brushed his left ear and she gave it a teasing bite before whispering (rather loudly because I could still hear), "But it is."
"With you, anything is possible, isn't it?" He chuckled softly, mock resisting her…advancements.
I bit my lip, trying not to explode in anger. I had many reasons for being angry, all of them justified for. I would have emerged from my hiding place and walked in on their "little moment" but I had more consideration than that (thank goodness for him) and I desperately needed more answers. If my yami was going to pull something like that, I my as well make the most of the situation.
"Open your eyes and you'll see," she whispered harshly, causing him to pull back from the sudden tickle in his ear. God knows he liked it.
"Mm… see what?"
"All you have. If only you'd get out of that shell you're locking yourself in, you'd see all along that you have everything… and then some."
My breath caught in my throat. Everything? And then some? Could my yami have been hiding something from me? All this time whenever one of us does something, the other one knows, at least in part, about it. The only times I can think of that this does not apply is when he invokes a block in our mind link which, now that I think about it, seems to happen more often. And well, the attitude my guardians have towards him has changed… and my friends…. But hey, how does this woman know about this stuff anyways? Maybe they…. damn, I really have to stop my brain.
"I have nothing," he buried his face in the crook of her neck lethargically, rubbing his nose against the fair skin, "I am just darkness, lost in the liquid depths of my own mind."
"Isn't that all of us?" she sifted her fingers through his hair in a way that most would mistakenly take as maternal love, "This is the real world."
"Is it?"
"In all its malevolent beauty."
"Why?"
"It's been this way since the dawn of time."
"Hmm…I must have lost track."
"Time is your gift."
"You have no idea."
Truly unnerving. After their hushed, bewildering exchange of words, the two fell silent, their positions shifting from his face in her neck to her head on his shoulder. Although the woman's face was hidden from my sight, my yami's wasn't. There was something in his eyes, an expression which I'd never seen before and could not quite put my finger on. Something the woman said seemed to have awakened a feeling inside him, one that was neither happy nor sad. It looked like a mix of longing, nostalgia, detachment, guilt and remorse. Whatever it was, it looked disturbingly perfect on him.
He had his arms tightly wrapped around the woman's body.
"Mmn… you're so warm." The woman stirred in his arms after a long, tension-filled moment and snuggled against his jacket, taking in his scent.
"I don't understand." He whispered.
"Everyone has their problems, and that's all they see, their problems. They don't realise that they're not alone."
For a second, recognition flashed in my yami's eyes. Good. At least he knew he heard that before.
"I'm… different," was the reply after a long, contemplative pause.
"But not in the way you think."
He closed his eyes, and stated confidently, "I know myself."
"Make love to me."
He slid a hand under her chin and lifted her face to meet his. The woman's eyes held nothing but pure amusement.
"Do you not take me seriously?" he asked in an almost demanding tone.
"Hunny, I take everyone seriously."
My yami's eyes narrowed and she grinned playfully, "Really now?"
"You have no idea."
He slid his hand under her tight jacket and did something that made the woman yelp and giggle. She tugged at his arm, grunting and coughing up laughter at the same time but I guess he must have held on (to whatever it was that he was holding onto) tighter because not only was she turning red, he was beginning to laugh as well. I couldn't believe it! He was really laughing! It was the first time I'd ever seen him that way. He was so happy. So happy.
"Oh yeah, you're different alright," the woman gasped and wiped a tear from eye, "But like I said, not in the way that you think."
My yami held up his hand, the same hand he'd used to uh… tickle her? with in a gesture of warning but the woman didn't even flinch. She only grinned seductively, her million-dollar amethyst eyes flashing with original sin.
Damn, that was so not right.
I hadn't realised how hard I was gripping onto the neighbouring branch until a bunch of ants crawled onto my hand and started biting me. I had to bite my lip to keep from freaking out at the sight of the bug swarm. I just hoped the two didn't take too much notice in my attempt at shaking them off.
"That other chick's been eyeing you again," the woman whispered huskily, between the butterfly kisses he was planting on her face.
"Oh?"
"She really likes you."
"Uh huh."
"Word around the schoolyard of yours is that you two'd make a hot couple."
"Um."
"Humph, everything indeed."
"Huh?"
"Oh nothing, just –sigh- pointing out the obvious."
He stopped and eyed the woman strangely, obviously irritated that she'd brought the subject up during what he'd consider (and I would agree) an inappropriate time. The woman, however, seemed more concerned about that than what they'd been doing. Strange person. It's really difficult to see what her motive is, and even more difficult to get a fixed perception of her personality.
"I'm growing very wiry of your games." He turned is face away so the back to his head was to me. Wow, that was almost… a pout.
She smiled that smile of hers and gently caressed his hair, kissing his ear to seal the apology. "You say you're always in the darkness," she said quietly, "But how do you know darkness is darkness when there's no such thing as light? Everyone has to face the facts some time in their life."
"And what would those be?" he asked sternly.
"You haven't been listening, have you?"
"I have… but that does not mean I need to believe you."
"You are stubborn, aren't you?' she chuckled, "But that's okay, I like cracking hard nuts like you."
That did not sound right.
He turned his face back towards hers with one eyebrow raised, "That did not sound right."
The woman feigned an insulted gasp and playfully slapped the side of his leg, "What are you, five?"
"Five thousand, yes."
"And?"
"That sounds as wrong now as it did then."
"I thought they used to cut it off as a form of punishment."
"True, but there was never any cracking involved."
"Bet it was the women who did most of the emasculating."
"Actually, it was all done by men."
"That's just not right."
"Glad you agree."
Well that sent huge shivers down my spine. What kind of person, people, get turned on by that? And no, I was definitely not mistaken; you could practically cut the sexual tension with a knife. That was something that really bothered me. How did my yami…. become this way? Sure this was sort of justified for considering that he's more or less a teenager (spirit in teenager body, whatever) and this woman was really attractive but really, what gives? This was not the typical "flirting" and (heaven forbid) "making out." There's no mistaking the second element elusively weaving in and out of their conversation, something that's very unsettling. Something he's been hiding from me. And something this woman has a right to know about and not me.
Maybe something the others also know about.
The two fell into an awkward silence, both of them stiff as poles. They must have been picturing it or something.
"You should go for her," the woman finally broke the silence, although not nearly in the same tone as it had been before. She wasn't looking at him either.
"Who?"
"Serenity."
"She cares for my hikari."
"You have women throwing themselves at your feet, why should one person bother you so much?" For some reason, she had taken on an impersonal tone.
"Because she's the only one I have feelings for. But my hikari – "
"Say his name."
"W-what?"
The woman turned his downcast gaze up to meet hers directly, "Say your hikari's name."
"I-I…" He bit his lip, swallowed hard and roughly turned away with a pained/angry expression.
The woman seemed to nod in satisfaction, her expression mirroring one who's just delivered a checkmate.
"Well?"
"Don't do this." His attempt at warning her was feeble.
"Accept it," she began tugging at the item, "You are a man who has everything and now," she took the item in her manicured hand, "You are free from your chains to enjoy it all."
With that, the woman casually tossed my precious item aside like an empty bag of chips, never bothering to see where it landed. She wrapped her arms around his neck, using her forearm to turn his face away from the spot my item lay abandoned. My yami didn't even make an attempt at budging; he only stared long and hard at the thing that used to be his cage with a blank, detached expression, regarding it with contempt. Finally, he turned his eyes back to the woman, his face unchanging, and murmured something that was barely audible.
"Thank you."
I'd had enough.
Replies:
No real replies this time but thanks very much to: Kagura-kun, Insane Punguin, Amber Eyes23, Fushicho Hime, KarlaBob, Sphincter, Saiyan Jedi, U, Angel in Disguise8, Crimson Shinigami-16, Inuhanyou-fire-sit, and TheShadyAssassin for reviewing. They're much appreciated.
Oh and Karlabob, I know exactly who the hikari is so don't go thinking those things, okay?
