It couldn´t be him. It couldn´t. He had died four years ago. He had died and escaped Revan´s clutches.

Keena sat in the room she had taken for herself aboard the Sith scout ship, staring into her lap.

She wondered what the Twi´lek and Wookie had made of her reaction to his . . . to the name. What must she have looked like, feeling faint and sick, staggering in the snow before leaning over and slowly gaining control?

She had explained it with fatigue and hasty utterances of ´´I´ve been sick lately´´ and the like. Probably too hasty. Mission, almost sickeningly nice, had been all concern and compassion. Keena had shrugged her off with as little venom as possible. She couldn´t stand sympathy from her new circle. Not on this subject.

It had to be someone else. It wasn´t an uncommon name, after all. It was more than possible that some Sith, or Jedi turned Sith, would have the same name. But the thought . . . the very concept that she had left him behind alive on that nightmare of a ship . . . that Revan had doomed him to the darkness . . .

The thought brought out a pain and desperation she thought she had left behind.

Okay. I´ll go with you. she´d growled. Mission had been only too happy to hear that, and she and Zaalbar had quickly moved their luggage from the crashed shuttle to the Sith ship, destroyed the memory banks and off they went.

It had been strange to watch J-3109 disappear in the rear window. Her home, her place of refuge from the galaxy, self-imposed prison and pit. Keena had hated it, but had decided and resigned herself to spending the rest of her life on it.

Losing sight of it as they entered hyperspace had been like apparently everything else: She couldn´t decide how to feel about it.

She leaned back and ran her hands through her hair and sighed deeply. Even after a year of mere survival occupying most of her time she was still chaotic; still struggling to balance her feelings, with no respite in sight.

Peace was a distant, vague memory, made glorious and heavenly by her desire for it. And yet there was a part of her that wanted to hold on to the anger. That wanted to hate. That was yet another struggle going on inside her. Also with no respite in sight.

A multi-layered conflict with skin wrapped around it, she thought, that´s what I am. Well, at least I have someone to blame it on.

Her fingers got tangled in the birds nest her hair had become, reminding her of the fact that she hadn´t had access to soap in a year. The Sith scout ship was hardly designed for luxury but it at least seemed to have a fully equipped fresher.

Keena got up and shuffled out into the hallway. She could sense Mission in the cockpit, and it didn´t take Jedi powers to sense the Wookie in the eating area, gobbling up food as quickly as the synthesiser could produce it. She would be undisturbed for now.

She stepped into the rather cramped fresher and locked the doors behind her before letting her eyes caress the sights. No leaves, bark-peels or fruit hides: Actual cleaning facilities. It looked so wonderful.

The backpack fell on the floor (she doubted either of her traveling companions would see any reason to look into it but she felt better with it in sight), along with the layers of clothes she hadn´t taken off in a year. J-3109´s temperature never went above cold and could decend to frikkin´ freezing.

Keena was pleasantly surprised to see that the shower had optional setting for either sonic or water. Sonics might have been more thorough, but nothing beat the feel of hot water cascading onto her flesh. In the three years between her escape from the Storm and her exile hot showers had been just about the only thing to provide her with momentary peace of mind. Now that her inner peace had been shattered. Because of her.

She interrupted the negative thoughts by setting the water on the highest temperature she figured her skin could tolerate and hit the ´´On´´ button.

For a good, long while she just stood there, leaning against the shower wall, letting the flow work it´s magic. Her muscles slowly unwound and she was finally able to let go for a moment, let go of the anger and confusion and just forget herself.

Finally she soaped herself up and looked at her feet as the year´s worth of dirt drained away with the water and soap.

When her skin felt like it would float away too she finally and reluctantly turned the water off and stepped out.

Completely clean.

Physically, anyway.

Well, didn´t take long for that thread to return, did it? she thought bitterly as she started to dry herself off.

A mirror was another thing she hadn´t had access to and she posed in front of a mirror, examining the woman that stared back at her.

Her figure had changed a bit, the hard life on J-3109 having turned her fit shape into a wiry, almost scrawny frame. Her dark hair was longer than she´d ever conciously let it grow. And once her skin cooled down from the shower she would no doubt be quite pale. Sunlight was a commodity on J-3109. Otherwise, she looked more or less the same.

Keena´s index finger found the scar on her belly, left there by Mandalore´s short sword, wielded by Sith Lord Revan.

Her fingernail scraped the dull, unfeeling scar tissue. The pain, the shock. And worst off all, the betrayal. It came back more clearly than anything else of that time. That and Revan´s sweet, poisoned voice.

Keena had had plenty of time to wonder when it had started. When had Revan, and Malak, started turning? When had the war become about them rather than saving the Republic? When did the people who placed their faith in her become expendable statistics?

´´I hate you Revan.´´ she whispered. ´´I do hate you.´´

Keena hung her head, avoiding the blazing anger in her reflections´ eye. The bliss of the shower had faded and the familiar bitterness floated to the surface.

She had gone to that horrible war at Revan´s beckoning. Bled and suffered in body and mind. All to protect the Republic and live up to the ideals of the Jedi Order, whether the masters would acknowledge it or not. She´d placed her trust in Revan and followed her to hell. And it had cost her everything she held dear.

And now the treacherous bitch was hailed as a hero. Held up as a shining example of the strength of the light over the darkness. While Keena drifted around with her mind split in two. A wretched half-finished conversion to the Dark Side.

Yes, that about summed it up. The Dark Side had its hook in her, filled her with anger and doubt. And yet it didn´t run quite deep enough to smother what she had been raised to by the Order. So the two were in a tug-of-war with her mind, never easing up on the tension . . .

Keena slapped herself.

´´Stop it.´´ she growled. ´´Just stop it already.´´

She took a deep breath and tried to focus inwards, to find peace within the Force. As usual the effect was marginal.

She switched tactics and focused on the reason she´d left J-3109. Yes, Eskon. There was a possibility he was still alive. That her one remaining friend in the galaxy, the one who had saved her, was still alive.

(that´s not)

And she couldn´t just sit on her butt and pretend the universe didn´t exist anymore.

(that´s not why you left)

She didn´t know what, but she had to do something, anything.

(admit it to yourself)

And the first step would be to gather information on what had been going on in the last year.

(you want to punish her)

And the Twi´lek sure seemed willing to discuss things.

(because no one else will . . . or has the right to)

Keena gathered up her clothes and threw them into a washer. She sat down as it went to work and tried to think of something positive. By the time the machine finished she was still trying.

--------------------

´´Oh, hey.´´ Mission looked up from the Paazak-card house she was building as Keena walked into the cockpit.

´´Hey yourself.´´ Keena put all her effort into producing a convincing smile and felt rather proud of the result. ´´Can I disturb your Saviourness for a moment?´´ She even managed a friendly, teasing tone.

The Twi´leks cheeks went a darker shade of blue and she squirmed uncomfortably. ´´Awww, come on, don´t do that. It´s a bit of a change of pace to go from being a guttersnipe on a world of racist humans to being fawned over. Don´t think I´ll ever get used to it. I´ve been offered book deals, for crying out loud! I used to pickpocket gangsters to afford food!´´

Keena laughed. The diplomacy skills her master had worked so hard to imprint in her were finally paying off, it seemed.

She sat down in the copilot´s chair and hugged her knees up to her chest.

´´Well, I´ve been out of the loop for a year now. Could you give me the lowdown on current events? Or am I going to have to save your life again?´´

Mission chuckled. ´´Well, no, I think one time should get you that at least. What to you want to know?´´

Keena thought about starting off with something mundane; sports-events, political news, or recent holovid blockbusters.

´´How´s the war going?´´ it came out more or less on it´s own. ´´I crashed just after you guys had your face plastered on every screen in the galaxy. So, you guys dealt with Malak, and the Sith scattered. What happened then?´´

´´Well, the Sith army had it´s head chopped off, sure. But that´s the problem with those guys: There´s always someone looking to climb the ranks anyway. There were a few optimistic months of the Republic basically kicking the snot out of them.´´ She sighed. ´´But now there is a bunch of Sith Masters rising up, each one (naturally) declaring himself Dark Lord. The chaos and infighting has been giving us an edge, but the Jedi Geezers are sure it´s only a matter of time before one crushes the others, or they reach some kind of truce.´´

´´So what are the "Jedi Geezers" doing?´´ She found herself honestly smiling for a moment. The girl´s levity was a bit contagious.

´´Well, they can´t really do much more than the Republic.The Fleet is stretched really thin, dealing with the different Sith leaders, and the Jedi are stretched even more thin since . . . well, they´ve been dying a lot n´all.´´

´´So basically it doesn´t look good for the Republic?´´ Again that damnable sense of not knowing how to feel. She had been raised and trained to protect the Republic. But for what? Revan had done her job well.

Mission was silent for a few moments, and Keena felt her mood sink a little before reestablishing itself. ´´Well: Things looked pretty damn hopeless two years ago right? And here we are.´´

´´Yeah, here we are. So, what´s your part in all this anyway?´´ Keena´s soul burned with the desire to skip right ahead and ask about Eskon. But she didn´t want to make her suspicious. And part of her wanted to delay as long as possible.

´´Me? Well, Zaalbar´s been doing some scouting for the fleet dealing with Eskon. And I´ve been helping him out with some technical expertise and translation. Besides: wherever Big Z goes, I go.´´

´´Scouting? Out here? For what?´´

´´Well, Darth Eskon´s carved himself a slice of Sith space not to far from here, and is basing his attacks from there. The Republic has set up an outpost on a planet nearby, Brim, which we´re headed for. Well, nobody´s really sure what he´s up to, he´s not really advancing all that hard, sooo we´re trying to find out.´´ Mission gathered up her cards and looked away. ´´But . . . ah . . . I really shouldn´t tell you much more. We´re supposed to stay all hush-hush.´´

´´No problem.´´ Keena had felt the girl slowly relaxing, but now her guard was taking a slight rise. She would need to get her relaxed again.

´´What about you "heroes of our age"? What happened to you?´´

Mission took a moment to fight down the automatic embarrassed grin at the phrase.

´´Well, Carth, Carth Onasi, was promoted and given command of a small force. He´s in charge of dealing with Eskon. Me and Z have mostly been working with him, officially as ´´Civilian Advisors´´. And Canderous . . . well, he was a Mandalorian an´ all. Had this big warrior thing going on. But I think he felt that after fighting first against "the single greatest warrior of our age", and then besides her . . . and surviving, well, nothing would ever be able to equal that. He had . . . I guess you´d call it some kind of epiphany, and left. I don´t know where or when. I think he needed to take a deep, hard look at his life, in private. Jolee, he was the old Jedi coot, except he wasn´t really a Jedi, left too. He said something about his part in the grand scheme of things to be well and truly over. The Geezers tried to talk him into rejoining the Order, but he said he was too old to change and he´d damn well done his part. Bastila went to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant for a while, what with the . . .´´

Keena felt the girl catch herself. Felt the momentary shock of almost revealing a secret, and the hasty scramble to cover it up. Interesting.

´´ . . . I mean, she hadn´t really completed her training, and with Malak dead they felt the fleet could do without her Battle Meditation for a while. But she´s back now, smacking fleets around with her brain. She´s been moving back and forth a lot, between battlefronts.´´

´´And the Cathar?´´ Keena felt like she physically needed to ask about Revan, but fought the impulse down. Barely. She didn´t want to betray anything more than a casual interest in the group as a whole.

´´Juhani? Oh, she was promoted to a full Jedi Knight a few months after the whole Star Forge thing. The Council was really impressed with the way she handled herself during the whole thing, just wanted to wait a little and make sure she had the whole Cathar temper thing under control. She´s been working hard in the struggle, mostly with Tana. They´re good friends, and the Geezers said something about them watching each other.´´

Tana. Yeah, that´s the name the Jedi gave her. How . . . mundane. Doesn´t suit her.

´´And Tana . . . well, she´s a Jedi again. Doing Jedi things. Mostly she´s on the front lines, sticking it to the Sith in any way possible. Hardest working Jedi in the business. Seriously. Everyone´s worried about her pushing herself too hard. I don´t get to meet her as much as I´d like, but the last time I confronted her about it. She just said that when I caused the bloodiest war in recent history I would understand.´´

Oh. Ha, ha. Humor Revan? I´m glad the whole thing amuses you.

Keena snatched up a Paazak card and pretended to study it in great detail.

´´So tell me,´´ she asked as casually as she could manage, ´´doesn´t the whole causing-the-bloodiest-war-in-recent-history thing bother you? Sith Lords tend to have rather spotty records, you know.´´

Mission just sighed and gave a tired little smile, obviously used to the question. Somehow that smile really bothered Keena.

´´Yeah, well . . . look: Revan did some horrible things, yes. But Tana isn´t Revan anymore. Revan might as well be dead. The Jedi gave her a new identity and she built herself around it. Like I told her: she is who she is now. She has gotten back a few memories over time, but she says it´s like looking at a holovid: They don´t feel like memories. Besides: By the time we found out about it she was my best friend aside from Big Z. I can´t not stand by my friend, especially one who´s stood by me and pulled my butt out of the fire again and again.´´

Well, you´ve only seen the best of her.

Keena forced herself to smile. It felt stiff and false and painful.

´´Yeah, you´re probably right.´´ She put the card down.

And then she grabbed the girl by the shoulders and shook her. ´´Do you realise what you´re talking about? Do you realise what she´s done?! I hate her! I hate her with all my heart!´´

Keena shook her head and dismissed the image. So far, so good. She couldn´t afford to lose control now.

She took a deep breath.

´´So . . . this Eskon guy. Who is he? Another big, bad Jedi turncoat on the road to a beating?´´

´´Yeah . . .´´ Keena felt something inside clench.

´´ . . . he was one of the Jedi who went with Ta . . . uh, Revan and Malak to fight the Mandalorians. But that´s really all we know about him. That´s part of what´s got everyone so worried. Nobody knows what he´s planning to . . .´´

Mission´s voice faded into the background along with the hum of the ship engines. Keena was vaguely aware of getting up and staggering to the fresher. She locked the door behind her, half fell, half knelt by the toilet and puked.

She took him. The bitch took him and twisted him. She put him through the wringer just like me, except there was no-one there to save him halfway through, oh no, she twisted and polluted him all the way. Because he came for me. He could have run, why didn´t he just run, why I am left alone in this mess? What am I going to do? Do? More like what should I have done? I could have saved him, why didn´t I save him . . . Now he´s lost too, just like Malak and. it´s. her. fault.

´´Annie?´´ Mission was knocking on the door. ´´Annie! Are you okay?´´

Keena hacked and spat into the toilet bowl. ´´Just dandy . . .´´

She rather shakily walked over to the sink and rinsed her mouth. Her eyes met those of her mirror opposite.

´´What are you going to do?´´ she whispered. ´´What are you going to do when you meet them?´´

What she did do for the moment was to open the door, to reveal a concerned-looking Mission.

´´Sorry. Like I said; I came down with something and it´s not quite over with yet, it seems.´´

´´Maybe you oughta just go to bed.´´

Keena put on her best sick-yet-tough look. ´´No, I´ll be fine. Besides, I want to hear more. I haven´t had any contact with anyone for a year.´´

So they went back to the cockpit. The Wookie, amazingly, was still eating.

The talk turned to more mundane issues; Paazak tournaments, holovids, this year´s blob races and so on.

Although Keena´s strongest gift with the Force had always been in manipulating it around herself and enhancing her own capabilities, she was also gifted in empathy. And throughout the conversations she kept her Jedi senses on the Twi´leks aura. Her mind was strong, but she was getting more and more at ease in Keena´s presence. Good, she wanted this to be subtle.

´´ . . . yeah, so anyway, I was wondering about something earlier and forgot all about it. Just how much memory does Re . . . does Tana have of her Sith Lord days? Does she have any inside knowledge the Republic can use?´´

´´No, not really. She told me she doesn´t remember events or places all that much. It´s mostly people, faces and emotions. But even that´s pretty vague. We´re lucky she even remembered enough about the Star Maps. Well, lucky as in flying-all-around, defying-death, dodging-Sith-at-every-turn kind of lucky.´´

´´Sounds like you all had a pretty wild ride there.´´

´´We sure did.´´

´´I´d like to know more about it.´´ Her next words came out with a push of Force power behind them. ´´I´ve earned your trust. There´s no harm in telling me.´´

Mission stared for a moment into the teacup she had been drinking from.

´´You know, I´d say you´ve earned my trust. There´s no harm in giving you the whole story.´´

So Keena listened as Mission told her everything. Revan . . . Tana, becoming the glue holding together a motley crew of individuals, each with their own problems. How "Tana" had dealt with each of these individuals and drawn them to her by listening, caring and helping. How she helped a young Cathar padawan overcome her inner demons and drew her out from the darkness. How she reunited a jaded soldier with his estranged son. How a padawan buckling under a crushing responsibility had found a friend and confidant in her, a friendship that later helped bring her back into the light just in time to buy victory for the Republic. And so on and so on.

The stories were different, but the main themes were the same: Revan doing her usual thing; Gathering people around her, and making them love her. So much in fact that they trusted her completely and would go anywhere and brace any danger by her side.

Keena knew the feeling. It all sounded so horribly familiar.

So that answered that. Revan might have a new name, new memories, and apparently a clean slate, but she remained basically the same.

Would it have mattered if she was utterly different? With no memory of the past and hated by all? Would you have felt any different? You´re completely set in your course aren´t you? Like a Bantha with blinders on.

Keena had no answer to that voice. She rarely did.

´´Well,´´ she got up and forced on a weary smile, ´´it´s been fun talking but I haven´t slept in a real bed in a year.´´

´´Yeah, I guess even a Sith military bunk will seem like paradise. Hey, uh . . .´´ Mission flipped a card through her fingers and looked a little uncomfortable. ´´I´d appreciate it if you didn´t tell anyone I told you all this.´´

Keena couldn´t suppress a little smile. ´´Don´t worry about it.´´

After all: Revan won´t mind. She´ll be too distracted to care when I find her.