It Hurts To Be Alive
Squall ejected the evil-bringing tape and held it with his thumb and forefinger. What the hell was he supposed to do with this? Mixed feelings swallowed him entirely leaving no room for clear judgment or cool composures. An animalistic demon was readying its release. If he gave the tape to Caraway, he would be the number one target of headhunters everywhere. If he didn't give the tape to Caraway, the politician himself would eventually demand to know where the tape is and why he didn't have it. It was catch twenty-one.
He exhaled a deep breath to keep himself calm for a few more minutes and rested his head against the headrest of the car seat, "Goddamn it, why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she say anything? Why the hell couldn't we have … talked things out? When's the last time I've ever talked things out?" He was aware that this tape had only plagued him with more questions that would need answering. He was also aware that this cassette of impending doom had burdened him with sufferings he deserved but did not need.
The young man glared at the piece of recording. It was like a game of hot potato, if he didn't pass this on soon it would scald his hands and he'd have Rinoa's father on his ass. Rinoa's father - Caraway, "Holy Christ, I'm in deep, deep shit." He had never met any of Rinoa's family. His brow furrowed in confusion, "If this 'Linda' had been Caraway's wife … then … she must have been her step-mother … and if she had a son called Irvine …" The realization struck him dumb like a thunderbolt.
"I feel like a total jealous ass." Were his first coherent thoughts after this newfound connection, "At the same time, a strange sense of relief that she isn't in a relationship with anyone … well, I don't know this for sure … but … she deserves someone better anyways." He let out another sigh, laden with exasperation.
He ignited the engine of his car and began to drive off near Angel Grove apartments, he had taken his decision, whether it be wise or not, "Drop the tape, stay far from Caraway from here on." Rinoa's father had a right to know, though she would most likely kill him for this. He knew she had never gotten along with the man, but that was about it. Rinoa hardly ever spoke of him.
But the guilt. The damn searing guilt was tearing apart his insides. He tried not to think of it, tried to tell himself this could be dealt with later. And Irvine's endless hypothesis could have been wrong … who was there to prove he had really destroyed Rinoa Heartilly? How was he supposed to take this? If he hadn't been a total ass, if he hadn't hollered in frustration at her … he could have been a father. Was that even plausible?
In his twenty-five years of life, he had never stopped and asked himself these questions that seemed to only afflict old people … couples who were married and had a stable career … who were moving onto family planning and all that nonsense that had seemed so far away and even impossible twenty minutes ago.
Had he loved Rinoa Heartilly? Yes, he had no trouble admitting that. But had the idea of children was unthinkable. Even now, Squall tried to imagine Rinoa's slender figure being scandalized by a rounded belly, maturing in maternity. There was no other word for it: ludicrous.
When he had arrived at Angel Grove apartments, he got out of his car and walked numbly into the lobby where Caraway was waiting for him on a velvet-cushioned bench. Drenched by the pouring rain, the handyman fumbled for the tape in his pocket and laid it gently in the politician's palm, "Did you listen to it?" His face grief-stricken, weary … but it had a strong quality to it, something infallible to his determination.
Squall looked at him in the eye, his own pupil dilating as a single-worded lie escaped his lips, "No."
James Caraway seemed reassured, "Good. Thank you."
SQUALL SLAMMED HIS body against the apartment door and the lock succumbed to the animalistic force that tore it off its hinges. "Ellone!" He hollered with hell-splitting violence. His startled sister came rushing from her living room and her shocked eyes traveled from her brother to the shredded door.
"You knew, fuck, you knew!" Squall bellowed at her, nothing short of furious, "You knew it to the last damn detail! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Betrayed. Again, betrayed. Did he have 'moron' written on his forehead? His veins were erupting in utter fury, "She was pregnant, Ellone, the kid was my fucking baby! The rest of the fucking world knew, but I didn't!"
She stopped and took in a rattling breath. He had turned his back to her but she could still see his hands to his face. "I didn't know …" Ellone heard him whisper, "I didn't think she …"
"Didn't think, didn't know what? Didn't think that maybe she really did love you? Honestly couldn't live without you? Squall, when you came into the picture she fell … hard. And she thought that she could permit herself that … then when she realized that maybe you weren't Prince Charming, she kicked and screamed to untangle herself. And maybe you did deserve a second chance … but she didn't think she could afford it." Ellone shakily placed her hand on his bicep, "She was scared. Of you … of her … there are things you might not want to hear about her, and maybe that's why you never asked but I'll tell you this one thing … she's letting herself die now."
"And let me guess … that's my fault too?" She could swear it had been the trace of a tear that he had wiped away before dishing out his sardonic joke.
A way to redeem himself? Fix things?
Rinoa. Rin.
SHE WAS A shipwrecked soul, floating downstream towards the waterfalls. Seeing him again had shaken her, turned her upside down. Staring up at her white ceiling, she felt the pulsing, rhythmic beating of her heart, alone. She knew if she felt on either side of the bed, she would only feel his absence. Maybe that's what hurt so much.
Rinoa took a disconcerted breath and exhaled it erratically. Tears glazed her brown eyes, verging desperation. When she attempted to blink them back, they were released onto her cheeks. She was cold. So damn cold. The tips of her fingers were numb with ice as she clasped both hands together to preserve the fleeting warmth.
She turned to her side, tears streaking her delicate porcelain skin and brought her knees to her chest, imitating a fetal position. With her knotted hands, she held her stomach as if a cramp had struck. A choked sob escaped her, a call for help. Trembling lips closed together, dryly pressing shut.
The only noises in the apartment were tiny whimpers, her biting back weeping. It hurt so damn much to be alive.
CARAWAY WAS NOTHING short of angry. On the threshold of madness he had hurled the tape player against the wall with such violence that its plastic had smashed inwards, giving anyone a glimpse of its intricate wire-works of the inside. In one night, he had lost his wife and his daughter. He was left a widower once again but it always stung less the second time around.
The worst Squall could do was betray him, and all that would be left to do is kill him.
But he resented her too, "She let herself sink, damn it, Julia, look what she let herself do." Hate? Pity? Anger? Mercy? Which one was overcoming him right now, he didn't know. "Is this my fault? It is, isn't it? I'm the one to blame … not enough discipline, not enough consideration … always away; even when I was there I made myself invisible. But … damn …"
To shift the burden of the blame on his shattered psyche, he turned back to the boy, "I'll kill him … I will … this is a transgression that cannot be ignored. His hands … filthy with my daughter's blood, he's the murderer!" James continued to grapple onto things beyond his control.
He reached for the portable and dialed Irvine's cellphone number. It had been quite a while since he had punched in those numbers in that sequential order yet he still remembered. He knew his 'son' would be more than unhappy to speak to him, especially since he was heavy with bad news and prodding questions.
"Hello?" It was Irvine's voice, no doubt. Caraway had never heard it very often, the boy seldom spoke especially when he was around. Though he was a man of little words, Irvine had always had that discreet glare on his face much like the curse words that flew out of Rinoa's mouth.
"Hello Irvine … it's James." They had never gotten to the 'dad' thing and he supposed they never would. It was far from important and it wasn't as if they were planning a fishing trip or a camping expedition together. Caraway had never played ball with Irvine, neither had he tucked him in. They were strictly acquaintances.
A chilly silence swept by, "Alright. How are you?" The younger man decided it was better to exchange pleasantries before possibly getting at each other's throats.
" … Listen, Irvine, I have some bad news." His stepfather went straight to serious business, "You … you were the one who recounted Rinoa's past, word for word to your mother, is that … correct? She couldn't have gotten that information anywhere else."
Irvine flinched. She had snitched on him, rather … on Rinoa. And now Caraway knew. His sister would have his hide for this, "Well … I … she told you?"
Heavy with grief Caraway confessed, "Well, yes … indirectly, yes."
"Listen, James … Rinoa, she … she's done lots of stupid things but who hasn't? Ever since Julia died she's been clinging onto every damn thing she can." He tried furiously to remember exactly what he had and hadn't told his mother, "She … she's …" Excuses for his sister's early, erratic behavior didn't come so easily to him, "She's been through a lot. And, despite what you might be thinking … she's dropped the drugs, the alcohol … but she's still worst than before."
James remained silent for a while and when he opened his mouth to speak, he found it dry and his throat was irritated, "Yes, I would expect it to be so … after … an abortion."
Shit, the abortion! Irvine thought, breaking into a cold sweat, "What else would have had her do? She loved the guy and I'm ready to bet she wanted that kid. She just … she just didn't think he loved her, she panicked … worsened her situation."
"She's twenty-five now, Irvine." Caraway snapped sharply, "She must have been twenty-three then. If maybe I had whipped her into shape when it was time, she would still be studying to this day, she wouldn't be thinking about such stupid things, she wouldn't be 'worse than before', she would be what her mother would have wanted her to be, God damn it! Don't you understand?!"
"I understand, I understand!" Irvine yelled back, "Don't you think I know? I may be younger than you, old man, but I get what you're trying to tell me! It didn't happen, it never will … if you want to finish her off, throw her back into an Ivy League school! Drag her, kicking and screaming. I don't even think she cares anymore. You want to know what matters to her? You want to know the only thing that can really even make her think of living to see thirty summers? I hate to tell you, but does Squall Leonhart ring a bell?"
Caraway's eyes opened in lightning shock, "What would that ruffian make any better? He would make things worst, ten times fold! He's the source of the problem!"
"How am I supposed to fix that? How am I supposed to make that better? She's dead." It had been the first time he had said those words aloud. She's dead. She's gone. It seemed so chilly all of a sudden.
"I know there isn't a way to fix that. I'm not asking you to bring back the dead, I'm just asking you to understand the living! Your daughter fell in love … she is in love with a man she hurt, with a man who hurt her. They're so imperfect, so broken that they fit together … you're a man who faces facts so obviously you haven't got any notion of what I'm talking about but I'll tell you that the only person who can bring your daughter back is the same guy who you accuse of having destroyed her. Might not make you happy, might even make you want to kill him … but everything else falls to deaf ears with her except his voice."
"Wow, thank you, Irvine, that was enlightening." Caraway drawled skeptically. He chose not to believe the truth behind Irvine's words.
"Yeah, I thought that was quite observant myself. I might've made it as a scientist or a psychologist, you know?" He didn't wait for his stepfather to reply, "Is my mother nearby? I'd like a word with her."
"Your mother isn't nearby." Caraway's voice was a little softer, a little less harsh.
"Ok, well, when she comes into your line of sight, tell her to drop me a line. Until the next time we chat, old man, and hopefully that won't be soon."
"What?"
"WHERE'S THAT FUCKING tape?!" Seifer slammed his fist on the desk and scowled at his younger brother, "You promised it to me now, and you don't have it now. Where the hell is it?"
Cain shuffled uncomfortably in his brother's cross-examination. It was as if being picked out by a sniper of the opposite team. Slowly, the dark crosshairs would fixate themselves onto his temple and with the light pressure of the trigger a silent bullet would plunge into his skull. "There was a problem with my friend." Stupid Nick, unreliable Nick … how could he have let that gold slip through his fingers?
"You're a completely untrustworthy idiot!" Seifer exclaimed. He seemed to be in quite the foul mood today, "Cain, god damn it, you want to be part of the action but you can't even do a decent job on such a simple assignment! You even called me some time ago, announcing with great pride that you had Heartilly's past … and poof, now you don't! Where did it go?"
"Listen, my friend got jumped but some dude on the way!" The truth came out in a whirlwind of annoyance, "He said the guy was named Squall Leonhart or something and the dude seemed to have some sort of affinity for Heartilly so he took the damn tape! Now we have nothing except Nick's memory and we don't even know if 'Squall' gave that tape to someone else!"
"Woah, woah! Back up! Who did you say?" Seifer's enraged look was swiped to one of genuine confusion and curiosity, "What was the name of the 'dude'?"
"Squall Leonhart, that's what Nick said." Cain repeated.
"Former boyfriend apparently." Cain watched his brother anxiously; Seifer was a ticking time bomb. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick and when you least expect it boom. You didn't want to be near when that happened.
"Holy shit!" He exclaimed and slapped his forehead, wide-eyed, "This is fucking madness! So … Quistis' hitman … is it Squall? That doesn't make sense. Why would Squall protect Rinoa … if he's … the damn broad's an idiot!" Seifer shrieked in utter repulsion, "Why the fuck is she so stupid!?" He began to pound on his desk like a gorilla caged in a zoo with ugly children poking at him day in and day out.
Cain remained silent during this exchange. He seemed to sink back away from the conversation that Seifer seemed to have no trouble carrying out on his own, "Christ, what a dumbass! I knew I couldn't rely on her! Stupid, stupid woman! Argh!" He gave off another anguished roar and slammed his fist on his desk, "She thinks Squall's on her side, meanwhile he's going behind her back protecting the same person she's asking him to kill! Then she asks herself why Heartilly's empire hasn't fallen yet! Why, Christ, why, I wonder!"
Seifer was silent in his rage for a moment, while Cain remained quiet in his fear. The two brothers didn't so much as look at each other and finally Seifer managed a growl, "Whatever. Let her chase the illusions. It'll keep her off my case for a few days, or rather until she realizes what a dumb fuck she was. I'll take care of Heartilly myself. Retrieve that tape, or bring me your friend … got that?"
"Yeah." Cain muttered resentfully at this newly given order.
AFTER RECOUNTING HIS tale word for word, Squall had left numbly apologizing for her destroyed door and with promises to fix it eventually. She tossed his empty words aside, knowing very well that she would need to call a repairman since she had the time to die five times over before her brother would repair anything, whether it be a toaster or a door.
"Get some sleep." Ellone had ordered him like the older sibling she was. He hadn't replied to that but she had read right through his thoughts, 'How can I sleep with nightmares plaguing me left and right?"
After his sulky demeanor had left her apartment, she had thrown herself on the couch exasperatedly. "I should've known to keep my mouth shut around Irvine … next time I see him, I think I'll beat him." An overwhelming sense of guilt claimed her soul as she contemplated her past mistakes. They were plentiful.
"Maybe I was being a little too harsh on Squall. I mean … he isn't responsible for everything; he's just one big jackass, that's all. If only he were a little more considerate … if only he weren't such a fucking man. And what can I do to help them now? I'm just a catalyst lost in the world of crime. How am I suppose to help the two most stubborn people in the world? Better yet, what have I to gain by helping them?"
A sharp knock rapped at her dismantled door. She jumped up a bit and pulled herself into a standing position. With long strides she merely pushed the door with her index finger and sardonically looked at her latest midnight visitor, "Oh, why hello … you incompetent prick who has repeated every last footnote to his godforsaken mother and driven my brother to the brink of insanity as well as violated your sister's, my best friend's, privacy."
"I don't need your bullshit now." His voice was weary and burdened with unbearable depression, "Can I come in?"
"Well, you could've walked in, it wasn't as if the door was locked. Not that it can ever really be locked again. And besides … you're always welcome here." Ellone's last words were tainted with cruel sarcasm, "I mean, who would refuse an ex-boyfriend who didn't find you satisfying enough so he had to go jump some other random whore?"
"Ellone, I didn't come to see you about this." Irvine started softly. She noticed he had black bags under his eyes from strain and exhaustion.
"Of course not. If you had come here to talk about it, that would make you out of your flipping mind." She countered aggressively, "Who would want to talk about such embarrassing things of the past? Don't worry, I understand … rather, I'm pretending I do to save your pure little soul from being tormented with guilt because you so don't deserve that, isn't that right?"
"Ellone-"
"No! See, just shut up!" Ellone snapped viciously, boring her eyes into his like two radioactive rays piercing soft human flesh, "I'm just curious … was I not good enough for you, Irvine? Could I not sleek your lust in one serving? Was it just a game? Did the strawberry blonde just look too damn tempting for you to resist? Why did you do this to me? That's all I'm asking, fuck, why?"
"Listen! I know I'm an asshole, I know I'm a prick, I know I'm a damn player and that I shouldn't be proud but this isn't about you and I anymore, Ellone, this is about-"
"I care about Squall and Rinoa but seeing them happy won't take away my own pain. They're important to me but I won't live through them, Irvine! What about me? Why do I have to play the guardian angel in this? When will someone ever look at me and see my pain like I do for Rinoa and set themselves on moving around the pawns of the chessboard to accommodate my lifestyle? I'm not any happier than she is, maybe I'm not as fragile as her, but I'm just as broken."
"Then I'm sorry." He replied firmly, "Is that what you wanted me to say? Well, I've said it … I'm sorry. What do you want me to do, Ellone? This is their damn story that hasn't compromised an end yet! Ours is dead, leave it like that. Don't try to revive the deceased, concentrate on saving the living."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was beginning to hope for too much, thank you for bringing me back down to Earth … quite kind of you. We're dead, they live. Let's not even try to make something out of our lives, let's just make sure they get through theirs."
"You're jealous." Irvine accused.
"I am." Ellone admitted freely, "I'm damn right jealous. I'm jealous of your constant and meticulous attention towards Rinoa, I'm freakin' green with envy that someone's in love with her, I'm damn bubbling at the fact that Squall and her are letting each other drown while I'm aimlessly tossing a lifejacket. I'm damn jealous of everything they can be in the end, it makes me sick to think that in ten years I'll be the aunt of the most beautiful baby ever and I'll still have nothing because I can never be happy! I'm just the guardian angel with torn wings, chained to my goddamn role, my goddamn curse, my life!"
Irvine didn't breathe, didn't speak, only listened. "A little darker side of my soul, isn't it? Too dark for you? Well, time to face the music … I'm a hypocrite, I'm a bitch, assess to me any name you wish because I've come to terms with that … it's what envy does to you … it consumes you. But how can you blame me for being envious of those who have a future? And you feel it too, don't you? Like we're the big kids, making sure that little brother and little sister stumble across each other."
"That's not true." Irvine cut in sharply, "Ellone, that's not what I meant."
"Your false words of comfort don't mean much, Irvine. The least you can do is admit it … doesn't it suck to live for the sole purpose of others? I mean, people will thank you and then forget you while leading on their happy little lives while yours remains screwed over. Tell me, because I see in your eyes the cruel realization I've instigated within you … doesn't it just hurt to be alive … or rather, to simply exist?"
His face tilted to the left and a long lock of light brown hair fell onto his unshaven cheeks, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "It does."
Author's Pointless Rambles: Alrighty then, I've done my share of making the characters realistic enough. So here's to prove that Deling city is made up entirely of people who are all evil, in a manner of speaking, no matter how much good they try to accomplish, they still have their greed, their sins, their jealousy and so forth. I know I've probably ruined the happy-go-lucky Ellone that you all know and love but I'm sorry, it had to be done. It didn't make sense for her to be so selfless since her life isn't exactly the happiest one lead.
Another point of concern. I will no longer be able to update once a week unless God sends me a miracle. I've done nothing short of fallen very much behind in my writings and thus can no longer afford to update so often. I've finished chapter 16 today and I need to catch up if I want to make it through the school year with regular updates (not one every six months). Dearly sorry for that, I sincerly hope this doesn't make me lose readers but ... sigh it must be done.
NEXT! Please, please, please, please, please tell your friends about this story so they may read and review also! I would really like to know what more people think and I would very much appreciate contructive critisism that could come my way. Also, if you can draw and would like to draw for Devil's Playground - I remind you that I would love you forever.
Please, make a gopher happy - read and review.
a) I like it so much I want to eat it.
b) It was ordinary.
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d) This was awful.
