Fuchui
Massao na Mizu
Careless or to be careless; carelessness
A/N: If all my other fics aren't proof enough that I ama shallow person, dominating the world of gloom and doom, then this will. Yep, it's dark chocolate: bitter sweet so enjoy. I would make some twists here and there so just wait and see. ^_^ oh yeah, some of the embarrassing stuff that might happen in later chaps are based on real life. And I'll put a bit of glossary in every chap if needed. I've used some words that are really not in English vocabulary or any language because I've made some tenses up to express my the scenes in my fic.
Important note: (Or at least I think it is…) the notes in the parenthesis are not my notes but the afterthoughts of the person I'm trying portray. ^_^
To the reviewers:
Profiler 120- It was a song written and composed by Jimmy Bondoc. He's a hit in my country and I thought that it fitted well. Yeah, that was what I was thinking when I saw your fic. ^_^ that was why I was very surprised because I was editing it while reading your fic. ^_^ Ya know what they say, great minds think the same! j/k I've also thought that it was like So Utterly Confused because Sesshie's her teach. ^_^
Ferai- ^_^ it does? I'll try it then… but I'll settle first with Let Me Be The One since it was the song that inspired me.
Soudesuka-Shurikens- I hope I spelled it right. ^_^ exactly what I was planning. To make it true to life without erasing the anime (ic) edge. ^_^
Miserymistmenthe- if you analyze it, Kagome had given him THREE chances. I'm not a person that doesn't give a second chance to people, but if they've had three, that's far too many. And this isn't like a thing you did on school that can be forgiven easily. No, it's not. It might or might not be a Sess/Kag. It depends on the flow of the story. And you don't just like get a divorce if your guy cheats on you. I could give you a list, but I don't have the time. And personally, I don't like her to become some addict to Sesshoumaru. And being a person that he is, I don't think they would have done many mushy stuff in college either. And if she'd think of that with Naraku, wouldn't SHE be the cheater? Think about it. And I'm also a firm believer of second chances. But I do know when no to believe in three. But I know it's hard to understand it… It'll be clearer here. ^_^ so please read it more to understand.
Kitsune Princess- thanks! And I promise that it won't be over mushy (I'm not really a mushy person). ^_^ I really appreciate your review. You have no idea how this means so much to me! ^_^ I pray that you may live a long life and get many reviews in every fic you write. ^_^ Unlike mine.
Well, thanks a lot for the reviews and keep em' comin! ^_^ I actually get inspired by them and the more the faster I update! And peeps, I might put a song in every chap just so you have a clue of what song I had been inspired and hopefully, you might get ideas out there and update your wonderful fics! ^_^ *Gasp* Beware for there are attacks of cliché in there! Clichés that really happen in real life so I think it's reasonable if I put some here. All for a good purpose so please let's avoid flames!
Chapter 1- Over and Done
"When you feel like you're the biggest jerk on the planet,
And you feel so sorry for you wrong doing,
That's the only time I'll forgive you." Massao
Two months. Two long months without her and he's already missing her. 'Missing her?! Ha!' He snorted to himself. He had gone months for the last three years without her. Just himself in business trips such as this. Without hearing her sweet melodious voice asking where he was, if he had taken his vitamins and such… well, she used to ask and call him daily… but last year… it all fell apart…
It's over and done, but the heartache lives on, inside… (Warning: Author being senti)
And who is the one you're clinging to, instead of me, tonight?
He would call and she would seldom answer. And if she did, she would find an excuse to escape a conversation with him. It pained him every time she did that.
But he couldn't blame her… He had not been a very supportive husband, lover or father for three years. And she had tried to forgive him for missing his own child's three years worth of birthdays and wedding anniversary. And when he wanted to call and apologize, or even send flowers or something, there would be something that needed his time. And when he was not busy at all, he was so tired that we would fall asleep.
And now he's paying for it.
And where are you now?
Now that I need you
Paying for it by losing the love of his life (oh, the pain of being cliché, but it's true…) and his only offspring (is that only used for animals? ::shrugs::). And the most ironic part is he was only sitting there, unable to do anything. His stupid pride was always on his way and his conscience was on his case. How can life be so hard?
How can it be that when he was starting to open his heart… he had to close it back again and shut everyone off? It was so unjust for he to suffer like this.
Two months… for all he knew she had been planning this ever since she last got angry with him and grew tired of him… that she might replaced him with another man…
And who is the one you're clinging to?
Instead of me tonight
No… Kagome would not do that… she was most unlikely for even if she didn't love a person like that, she was always faithful person in every way. A friendly one or not. She would never betray anyone. His guilt was eating him up that he couldn't feel straight… It was not her whom he has been accusing… he was the one more likely to cheat than her… how could he think of such condemning thoughts?
He, the person she served faithfully and did not lose hope on even if it was so difficult to do so in a situation. She that would not need explaining to forgive…
Flashback
She had caught him… Kissing a woman that had a crush on him in a classroom…
[Put intricate swirly designs here…. ~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`not like this…]
"Why can't you love me?!" The woman almost yelled at him, but he stayed silent…
She looked at him with tearful eyes. "I-I tried so hard to make you notice… just a simple tiny look and I'll be satisfied." She whimpered and reluctantly, he patted her back and stroked it like he did when Kagome was upset.
When unbeknownst to Sesshoumaru, Kagome was the doorframe, staring at them with a horror-struck expression on her beautiful face. But the woman had seen it… she suddenly pulled Sesshoumaru to her and kissed him. He was taken aback and could not react right away and his eyes widened he tried to explain but she had bolted out.
Ikutsu namida of nagashitara
Every heart
Sunao ni nareru darou
Dare ni omoi tsutaetara
Every heart
Kokoro mita sareru no darou
If there were many tears falling down,
Every heart would become gentle
If everybody expresses what they think
Every heart can be satisfied
She would not even talk to him.
When he had an opportunity, he seized Kagome whom immediately demanded freedom from his grasp. She was furious when he locked the classroom door and kissed her, taking her off guard.
She yielded to his kiss… she knew she would surrender because she had told him he had a good chance to win if there ever was a kissing Olympics. Her arms encircled his neck limply pulling him closer. When he broke it off, he looked directly at her cerulean blue eyes and said, "Will you now stay quiet?"
"I don't know. If I did, would you kiss me again?" She said ever so seriously that he couldn't help it. He burst into laughter at her expense and couldn't stop until she cupped his chin and looked deeply into his eyes saying the unspoken words: Listen and Understand.
"I don't need an explanation… all I want is an apology…" She said so softly that his heart tugged at him guiltily and if he weren't who he was, he would have cried from the kept guilt and sorrow from thinking she'll never forgive him.
He embraced her to him… envelope her in his slender arms and kissed her ear before saying softly, "I'm sorry."
It was the first time he had ever apologized for seventeen long years. And it felt good. It felt good to be free from the remorse that was eating him up.
With Kagome, everything was in place. Everything that seemed so out of order worked out.
It was her. He realized to himself. It was her that does that.
And now, he had lost her. If only he knew how to get her back again…
Meguru megure toki no nakade
Boku tachi wa ai no sagashitiru
Tsuyoku tsuyoku naritai kara
Kyou mo takaisora miageteiru…
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love
Because we wanted to become stronger
We look up to the faraway sky
[It's better if you listen to In This Side by I forgot who but still. ^_^ take her or leave her and she'll still be the same… I think that's how it goes. But in the mean time, I'll go with every heart by Boa. If you listen to her voice, it's a very sad song that matches this one… ]
End of flashback
But this… this was not a simple problem to be solved by one simple apology. This was much deeper. And besides, he knew that even if he promised to always be there, he couldn't keep it. And Sesshoumaru does not give his word if he couldn't keep it.
"For an ass, you are such an ass." Said a rude voice that snapped him out of his thoughts. He glared at his glaring brother; miniature suns burned each other.
"For a mutt, you talk too much." He said coldly and Inu Yasha only smirked.
"Well I'm not the one with a wife wanting separation with." He said smugly. But his face turned serious at his next words. "You know, if you only paid more attention to her, you could've kept her. She's been telling me, ya know. And none of her stories were happy. She had told me she'll give you one more chance when Sango had said to file a divorce a year ago. She said she loves you and would not settle this without giving you another shot. But guess what? You missed three shots already." He said seriously, sadness dripped from every word meant to slash his half-brother's heart.
Sesshoumaru did not speak. He couldn't speak.
He did not know if he had a defense there. Besides, he was no claimed debater. Inu Yasha was waiting for his answer and when it did not come, he shrugged and walked away.
"Jerk" he said like an after thought to his half-brother.
Sesshoumaru was thinking again… It was his fault… his fault that everything is happening like this… and it's up to him if he would change it or let his world fall apart.
[Put intricate, swirly designs here… ~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`~*`]
Large golden eyes stared up at her and she blinked, smiling at her daughter. "What is it, Rin?" she asked her daughter fondly.
Rin pointed to the picture of her father's mansion which she kept on her little frame. "When is Rin and mommy going to come home?" She asked, her gold eyes inherited from her father widening even more if it was ever possible.
Kagome forced herself to keep smiling at her little daughter. She was not angry at Sesshoumaru. She just... because… falling out of love from him did not feel anything. It was just what it is. She used to look at him with such love because it was what she felt. But now… her look was… empty… blank… she did not feel anything for him even if he was the father of their child. She didn't know why. But shouldn't she feel at least a little upset that she would never sleep beside him again? Love ever gentle kiss from his soft lips? No, it was not just the physical pleasure… it was the emotional one that she was missing. She longed to feel that 'thing' she felt before.
That 'thing' that made her miss him when he was away… too bad it was not to be.
"Maybe my heart's taking a vacation." She amused herself. "Because it's simply crazy for me to feel incapable to look at him. It was as if I'm not really looking at *him*"
"Mommy why are you talking to yourself? You haven't answered Rin's question!" asked the unanswered Rin. Kagome almost jumped at the sound of her youngster. Kami! She even forgot her child was there.
She bent on her knees and cupped her baby's cheeks. "I don't know baby… but right now, mommy just can't live there anymore… I just can't live with daddy anymore." She whispered to her child.
Rin looked at her, a puzzled expression settled on her young face. "Oh. Okay mommy. Rin is going to watch TV." She told her. Rin obeyed, not thinking anymore of her mother's weirdness…
Someday… she'll know… someday, she'll understand…
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Kagome woke up, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand as she yawned. How long has it been? How long has it been when she hadn't seen him? Oh well, she could go on for weeks not seeing him. After all, he was always away when she longed for him; when she needed him.
Yet, whenever she was confused, indifferent and empty, he would come like an unwanted visitor in his own home and thought that everything was okie dokie after he had left and returned…but it was not…
It was far from that now. SHE was far from him and he didn't even know her exact location and she felt quite relieved of that fact. She needed some space, some time to think for herself… for her daughter, Rin. However she did not long for tranquility for it was not just attainable whatever the longer (said as a person) would willingly go through just to have a piece of it… how ironic life is.
Of course, no mother would ever want her child not to know the other half that gave birth to her. The other half that made it possible for her to live… but there are also others that think it would be absolutely suicide if they did just that… because those bitches have married men whom will hurt their own children like animals that if hungry would sacrifice their own flesh to save themselves… how utterly sordid.
But she knew that Sesshoumaru would never hurt Rin. "But that's not the point…" she whispered hoarsely to herself as she laid her arm on her forehead to block the blinding light. "The point is he could not be a husband, a father and a CEO all at the same time… or he would lose one thing or another… or both."
She was tired of tears. She was tired for crying over something that was already done. It was like a spoiled fruit that whatever you do would not return to ripe and edible… it was like her love for Sesshoumaru exactly… it had been there, yes, like the riping of the sweet mango but died like the rottening of it after not being nourished or eaten…
She felt bad to say the least, although it could not be helped for she had tried… she had tried for long years and months and weeks and hours to retain, to clung to the love she had felt before… gone into sweet oblivion and never to return, even if she willed it to.
She could not just do it, she could not force herself to love when her heart was unwilling to do so… when her heart was tired due to the countless
times its lover's heart shut the door on its face… it felt real bad because it had to lower its dignity so countless times just to retain something that was destined to be let go… and what hurts the most was the fact it was not destined to have it on the first place.
So was she now concluding that her beloved child, Rin was a mistake due to infatuation? She did not want to accept the reality that there are many cases in this world such as that… could not face the truth that it was not the wisest decision but something breathtakingly dumb to marry off a man you were not really destined to love at all…
Point proven that experience is a hard teacher in that matter. Although she was not to be blamed for she did not know that they were not meant to be together… for if they were then she wouldn't have tried to mask the cracks in their relationship as a family and as lovers. If she would have known…
Too late for that now, wasn't it? And so, she has to live on and she will…. She'll survive through this like every breakup and makeup she had experienced all her life…
And she'll be the winner in the last battle….
End of Chapter.
A/N: It's quite confusing, ne? And if there are grammatical errors on Rin's speeches, it was all intentional because I'm trying to keep her child essence intact. ^_^ and sorry if that wasn't a usual conversation with a mom. I don't usually talk to my mom and if graded for M/D bonding, I'd get 12%... seriously. Well, ya know the drill, peeps!
You see that button there?
Yes, the one on your left!!!
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Review!
Tell me what you think!
Don't flame me. ^_^
And pinpoint to me grammatical errors…
Bye bye peeps! – So getting used to that 'peeps'… I'm even calling my teachers like that… that's highly bad if you're in a Private School… especially if you've heard of the song 'angel' the peeps is indicated as a man's…
