Disclaimer: Mine. All mine. Yay me. Only, not.
The song used is 'Take Me Away' by Lifehouse.
Stolen cupcakes to the underachiever making up for lost time who finds the Scotland, PA shout-out.
A/N: This one's for Meg, my co-conspirator and buddy extraordinaire. I know, I know, you'd think I'd give her something better, but sadly, this is the best I could do. Sorry, dude. But thanks for everything.
And like always, I'll try to get something out sooner. I have an idea for a standalone I'm currently playing with, so we'll see. You know, because I have so much spare time.
Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed. Makes my day!
CHAPTER 4: TAKE ME AWAY
"This time, you burn me with your eyes.
You see past all the lies.
You take it all away…"
It's strange how things can change in an instant.
She knows this is true – after all, she sees evidence of it almost everyday at work. The entirety of someone's life can be completely altered in a matter of seconds. People die, babies are born.
It took a total of about forty-five seconds for her to become a doctor.
Technically speaking, of course.
All those years of school, the extra nursing shifts to cover tuition, the sleepless nights, exams, boards: the whole mess culminated in a quick movement of the arm as a cloak was draped over her shoulders.
She fingers the edge of the velvet hood slowly, savoring the feel of it, the sound of Carter's voice as he'd called out to her after the ceremony ringing in her ears.
"Doctor Lockhart!"
She grins at the memory of his face, taking such pleasure in her accomplishment, proud and beaming at her. She could have sworn she'd heard his cheering over everyone else's when it was finally her turn to walk across the stage.
She's grateful he was there, remembers how he'd had to coax…rather, bribe…her into attending.
"Why should I go? I'm, like, ten years older than everyone else!"
"Because it'll be fun!"
"Fun? Fun for who, Carter?"
"Oh, come on, Abby. It's your graduation!"
"That's right, MY graduation. Ergo, MY decision." But she'd chuckled as she'd said it, slapping his hand away from the last slice of the pizza they were sharing and picking it up herself.
"Hey, may I remind you who helped you study for your boards? And who spent hours staying after work going over procedures? And who strained his back lugging all his old notes out of the attic for you?" He'd snatched the pizza from her hand after she'd taken a bite, holding it out of her reach and ignoring her whine.
"Sounds like a nice guy. You should introduce me sometime."
"Pfft. He wishes."
"Give me one good reason why I should go." She'd finally managed to wrench the food away from him, and popped the crust into her mouth with a flourish.
"Because I asked nicely?"
"Ha. Try again."
"Um…because if you do, I'll buy you a coffee afterwards?"
"Wow, Carter, what an offer. Don't break the bank or anything there."
He'd snorted with laughter. "And pie?"
She'd paused, midway through picking up the empty pizza box, feeling a wave of longing for the past wash over her. Shaking her head before she could lose herself in yesterdays, she'd winked at him, determinedly playful.
"Coffee and pie, then."
"Don't give up on me yet;
don't forget who I am.
I know I'm not there yet,
But don't let me stay here alone…"
She feels a familiar twinge, and quickly pushes it away. This is her big day, and she's trying hard not to lose sight of that. She's trying to focus on what she's gained today, not what was lost so many months ago.
"Hey." His voice from behind makes her turn from where she's standing by the roof wall, looking out over Chicago.
"Coffee and pie, as promised."
"Good. I was worried I was going to have to hunt you down." She smirks at him, accepting her cup of coffee. He motions for her to join him on the floor, where he has spread the paper bag flat in between them and is placing the two containers of apple pie on top.
"Your graduation dinner, madam."
"Clearly, you paid a lot of attention in Nutrition."
The past few weeks have been good, she muses, swallowing a bite of pie. As hard as it had been, that conversation in her apartment had turned out to be their ticket to getting their friendship back. It had, inevitably, led to more painful talks between them, but with the clarity of hindsight, she sees now that it had all been long overdue.
They're both learning, she knows. She's learning to trust him again, to let him in more than she had in the past. He's working at knowing when to push and when to just wait her out. It's been difficult for both of them, to say the least.
Though well worth it, she's sure.
She sees his face in a series of memories, a flip-book of reactions. Walks on the river, ice cream, coffee and late nights in their respective homes, flashing like photographs in her mind. Him listening to her, watching her face carefully, reading her signals as she talked. The drinking, Richard, Eric and Maggie.
The abortion.
She'd envisioned telling him for years, imagined what she thought was every possible reaction. Apparently, she'd been wrong, because never in her late-night thinking did she picture what had actually happened.
They'd been by the river, talking about Susan, who had finally returned to work after a much-needed vacation. She remembers clearly his asking about what she'd said on the roof that day, and her stopping in her tracks. She remembers sitting down on the bench, thinking that her legs weren't going to hold her anymore, bracing herself to tell him something she'd always really intended to hide. She remembers choking out the words, trying to explain about her failing marriage and Richard and Maggie and some people being wrong for motherhood.
She remembers his hand finding hers in her lap, as she'd stared straight down, lapsing into silence, and he'd looked out over the water.
She remembers him squeezing her fingers, telling her that he was sorry that she'd had to go through that alone.
"Thank you for trusting me enough to…tell me."
No anger. No resentment.
Just…Carter.
She glances at him out of the corner of her eye, watches him take a long drink of coffee, content to enjoy her company in silence for now. He looks good – healthy, happy. It's a stark contrast to the face that had greeted her last week.
She'd been early; they'd made plans to do Chinese take-out and a movie, to celebrate the end of med school and a coordinating night off. So she was surprised when the door opened to reveal Carter hastily scrubbing at his eyes, cheeks red, and the apartment a mess behind him.
"What happened? What's wrong?" She'd reached out to touch his arm, instantly concerned. He'd shaken his head, gesturing for her to come in.
"I just…I was going through some boxes I brought home the other week from Gam…from the mansion…they were letters, from my grandfather. It just…hit me that they're both gone, you know? I mean, I knew…but…Gamma…" His shoulders had begun to shake, and she'd only just managed to guide him to the couch before his knees gave out. She'd spent the night letting him cry onto her, trying unsuccessfully to hold back her own tears when he talked about his grandmother, how she'd raised him, and how alone he'd felt when she died. He'd clung to her, initially apologizing through his tears for spoiling their evening, until she'd shushed him, and held him through the night.
She'd told him that this is what friends are for.
"I've seen it all, and it's never enough –
it keeps leaving me needing you…"
"Penny for your thoughts."
His voice breaks her out of her reverie, and she turns to meet him, warm brown eyes and a lopsided grin.
"Just…life." She says it casually, not wanting to disturb the peace of the moment.
"Care to share with the class?"
She shakes her head. "Nah, I'm good."
"Oh, come on. Don't make me send you to the principal's office. You don't want Weaver to beat you with her cane." He wags a teasing finger at her.
"Ha ha." She stands, suddenly nervous. She'd promised herself that she would be more honest, more open; truth be told, she's been waiting for this moment. Walking back towards the edge of the roof, she pauses, folds her arms, debating the best way to reveal something so personal. It's new territory for her, admittedly, and she's scared.
"Abby?"
Oh, God.
"I miss you."
Silence.
She continues to stare resolutely out over the city, biting her lip, trying to hold her face still. She's not sure what to think about his lack of reaction, can only come to the conclusion that this was all a big mistake.
She jumps a little as she feels his hand on her shoulder, turning her around. She keeps her eyes fixed on his chest, too out-of-sorts to meet his eyes.
"Abby…I…"
"Look, Carter…John…I just…I'm trying to let you in, you know, and I thought maybe the best way to do that was to just tell you, but if you don't…I completely understand if you—"
"I miss you too."
"You do?" Now she looks up, meets his gaze.
"I do…I have for so long…since I left. I just…I wouldn't be able to take it if we hurt each other like that again…I can't lose you again."
"It'll be different this time."
"How? Tell me how." His face is so open, wanting so badly to believe her. She finds that she doesn't even want to look away. Instead, she grasps his hands and meets his eyes.
"It took losing you to make me stop being afraid of having you in the first place."
He nods slowly, reaching a hand out to caress her cheek. She closes her eyes, reveling in the familiarity of his touch, feeling all her nerves come alive from the spark that, even after all this time apart, they still have.
Slowly, she opens her eyes, and leans in to press her lips to his. He immediately reciprocates, moving his hands to her sides as her fingers reach up to his cheeks. The kiss deepens, although neither is sure who initiated it. She's not sure how much time passes before they break apart. She takes a moment before opening her eyes, savoring the taste of him, the lightheadedness that comes with relief and pure joy.
He grins at her, running his fingers over the velvet hood of her graduation robe.
"Let's get out of here," he murmurs.
She smiles shyly at him, reaches up to press her lips against his once again.
"Sounds good to me."
He stoops to gather the trash from their little picnic, then wraps his free arm around her shoulder.
"What do you say to a real dinner?"
"You paying?"
"I already bought you coffee and pie. What more do you want, woman?"
"Oh, I can think of a few things…" she mumbles into his shoulder, and he laughs, mocking her for her dirty mind as they leave.
Being with him is like coming home.
"This time, what I want is you.
There is no one else who can take your place.
I've seen enough, and it's never enough –
it keeps leaving me needing you…"
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