A/N: Sorry about the wait for this chapter. Enjoy, and please review.

A Matter of Choice

Previously on ALIAS: Half an hour later, (Vaughn) opened his door to the one person he thought would understand his grief the best.

"Hi, come on in."


Dixon nodded and removed his coat as he stepped inside. Vaughn flopped back down onto the couch, waiting for Dixon to join him.

Dixon sat down, faced Vaughn, and spoke quietly. "I assume that you wanted to talk about Lauren."

Vaughn closed his eyes and nodded. "In a way, yes."

"Well… I'm listening." He clasped his hands together and leaned his chin on them as Vaughn prepared himself to speak.

"I just… I have no idea how to even begin getting past this. In some ways, I don't even want to. I loved her so much." Vaughn paused and looked down, giving Dixon a chance to break in.

Knowing this could be a long, difficult conversation, Dixon made himself more comfortable and stretched one arm on top of the couch before responding. "I understand. I don't think anyone ever really gets past these things. They stick with us for life, and to some effect, that's a blessing. The pain remains, yes, but its sting diminishes with time."

"That's the thing that's killing me right now; having to wait for that time. And I can feel this anger inside of me building up; there's no sensible outlet for it either. When Sloane… killed Diane, you had someone to blame. For me, there's no one, nothing, and I don't know what to do with that."

Dixon's brow crinkled, and Vaughn could see the pain he was feeling reflecting in Dixon's eyes. He removed his arm from the couch and scooted closer to Vaughn. "I may have had an outlet for my anger, but that in no way means I was any more relieved because of it. In case you haven't noticed, my wife's murderer hasn't exactly been brought to justice."

"I'm sorry…"

Dixon waved his hand slightly. "I know. Forget it. Look," he sighed, "there's no getting around feeling like your heart was split in two; it just comes inevitably and stays for a while. It's what you do with yourself during that time that makes the difference. If you feel the need to take leave from work, then by all means do that; whatever you need to make this easier for you."

"Thanks, Dixon. I was actually thinking of visiting my mom for a while, maybe this week before the funeral."

"Well, good. Family can really help in times like these. I don't know what I would have done without Robin and Stephen to keep me grounded."

"Lauren and I never really talked about having children." Vaughn paused for a moment, and when he continued, he seemed to be looking past Dixon into his own world of memories. "Not long after we were married, I brought up the subject, but she dismissed it, saying that she wanted us to have time by ourselves for a while. I tried again a couple of weeks ago, but she said that our jobs would get in the way of really getting to watch our children grow up. She may have been right, but I guess I'll never know now."

He looked back at Dixon wistfully, returning from his thoughts of the past. "I guess I'm glad that we didn't have children who would've had to experience the pain of their mother dying, but still… I really wanted to have children, and I could see myself doing that with Lauren."

"You don't have to give up on your dream of having kids. You were once close with Sydney, weren't you? Maybe she's the next right person for you," Dixon offered, hoping to cheer Vaughn up a little.

Vaughn ran a hand through his hair. "I love Sydney. But, it's complicated. It's always been complicated, and I don't think I'm ready to carry that baggage again yet."

"But isn't denying your feelings for her complicated too? If you know that you love her now, you shouldn't put off acting on it. Who knows what other messes time will bring? Sometimes it's best to follow what your heart tells you instead of your head."

Vaughn raised his brows slightly in surprise. "Are you saying that I should get back together with Sydney right away?"

Dixon shook his head. "All I'm saying is listen to your gut instincts. And don't put off happiness when it's waiting for you to grab it."

"But, I feel like my instincts are wrong. Wanting to go back to Sydney so soon after Lauren's death just doesn't seem right to me. It seems disrespectful.

"But…" Vaughn paused, shocked at himself for actually revealing this to another person. "Even when Lauren was alive, I can't deny that I thought about Sydney, about what we would've had together had she not disappeared, and what we could've had when she came back. My thoughts weren't exactly faithful to Lauren while we were married. So, maybe you could say that I was never truly respectful of Lauren. But does that give me the right to continue that now? What kind of a husband would that make me? I just…" He ran a hand down his face in frustration. "I don't know what to do.

"There's this part of me that wants desperately to jump back into Sydney's arms, letting my love of her dilute my pain, and there's this other part that wants to stay true to Lauren, to give her a proper mourning."

"Respectfully, Vaughn," Dixon broke in, "trying to give the memory of Lauren a 'proper' mourning – whatever you think that is – will not make up for how good or bad your marriage was. Your wife is dead. Nothing you do now will change that."

Getting upset, Vaughn set his jaw. "I realize that, thank you, and I'm not trying to change that fact. I just don't the memory of her to be a haunting one due to my not getting proper closure."

"Then, if that's the most important thing to you right now, go with that thought," Dixon said simply.

Vaughn shook his head, seemingly disappointed in himself. "I don't know what's most important anymore." He paused and looked up at Dixon again. "I guess I'm back where I started."

"I wouldn't say that. I think you've talked through most of your confusion. The only thing to do now is make your choice."

Vaughn nodded, not having anything else to say. "Thank you for coming over." He shook Dixon's hand and saw him to the door.

TBC