Chapter Five
Brooke drove on the way back. Haley didn't offer, leading me to suspect something I'd always suspected-that she couldn't actually drive. The ride back was more fun than the ride there-we played music and talked about our lives, catching up with each other.
Brooke wanted to stop as night fell. But I didn't so we switched places-she fell asleep along the back seat while I drove with Haley beside me. We were silent for hours before she spoke suddenly.
"You once said to me-marriage is big. I don't know how you trust somebody for your whole life. I can't even…date somebody with that escape hatch. Do you still feel like that?" she asked.
"Jake and I have only been going out for about a couple of months. We got close for all of junior year and then senior year but I kept running from him, afraid of what closer relationship would mean. Then eventually we fessed up and got together," I said. She pondered for a second before rephrasing her question.
"Yeah, but… Trust is an incredibly huge issue to you. Do you trust Jake? Trust him to take care of you and keep you happy?" she asked.
"In some ways I do. Like I put out for him-I didn't even with Lucas and you know how I was in lo… But as incredible as Jake is I feel like if I give myself to him entirely he wouldn't be careful enough, so I have to hide parts of me," I said.
Jake ran out of the house the moment my car pulled into the drive. I got out of the care before they did, and walked slowly towards him. He ran.
As he reached me he pulled me forcefully to him and crushed against me. I could feel his hot breath on my skin and his hands felt me as though afraid I'd disappeared-from my waist to tangled into my hair. I felt a tear fall onto my skin. Slowly my arms progressed from my sides to wrapping around him. He somehow managed to pull me closer still and I could feel his jagged, uneven breaths. I could tell that he wasn't thinking right now of the proposal but of how much he cared about me, and how worried he'd been.
"Don't you ever, ever do that again," he managed to say eventually. He spoke into my hair.
"You sound like my dad," I said. I would have laughed, had the moment not been so intense.
"Speaking of which, he was here. He stayed overnight. He was frantic," he said.
"Did you tell him?" I asked.
"He understands. Where were you?" he asked.
"Nathan didn't tell you?" I asked in surprise. His breathing was now becoming more relaxed, but he held me just as tightly.
"Nathan knew?" he said.
"New York City," I whispered. I felt his nod against my hair. Slowly he disentangled himself from me and pulled away. I glanced around-Tree Hill was silent compared to New York. Jenny was beating her fists against the screen door, wanting to be let outside. Jake finally took his eyes off me and he looked Brooke and then, with surprise, to Haley. They walked over to join us, and she hugged him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked bluntly. He was still white with worry.
"I came home. I've already graduated and Chris is an ass so nothing was really keeping me there," she said. He nodded, though he didn't seem to truly comprehend. After a moment's pause, Jake reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone.
"Luke? They're here, they're safe," he said as it was answered. I couldn't hear Luke's words but could hear the tremor of his voice through the phone. It was soothing.
Less than five minutes later Lucas pulled up in his car and ran toward us. He crushed me and Brooke in an embrace before noticing Haley. He stared at her. In a moment she jumped and was in his arms. He held her, laughing.
"Hales, what happened?" he asked.
"I came back. It wasn't right," she said. He grinned. Jake reached for my hand and took a step toward the house. I turned to the rest of them.
"Come on in, have dinner with us," I suggested. Lucas raised his eyebrows and glanced at Jake.
"Don't you guys have things to talk about?" he asked tactfully.
"Ye…" I cut Jake off.
"Later. Come on in, now's a celebration time," I said, laughing falsely.
Jenny hugged my legs as soon as I stepped inside and wouldn't let me put her down once I'd picked her up.
We made pasta and ate together around the table in the kitchen. We kept up a lively conversation as Haley told us about her celebrity life and we told her about the Tree Hill gossip.
After we ate we moved to the porch and sat on the steps. We were silent with the comfortable silence of a group who knew each other well.
"Hey, it's a Tric night!" said Brooke in alarm, standing up. I glanced at my watch-it was.
"She might not have scheduled one tonight without me," I said.
"She did. So are we going?" asked Lucas.
"Does Nathan ever..?" spoke up Haley.
"Never," promised Brooke, squeezing her hand.
"But if you're there he'll know about it before tomorrow," I cautioned her. She reflected.
"I'm going. Brooke?" she asked. Brooke nodded, and Lucas stood with her. For the first time I glanced at Jake and met his eyes. He shook his head slight. Please, his eyes said.
"We're staying in," I declared. They nodded and entered Lucas' car.
He followed me inside to the kitchen. I leaned against the table as he stood in the doorway.
"I guess we need to talk," I said reluctantly. He approached me.
"We really do but can we just wait one…" he trailed off as he kissed me gently. "Second."
I leaned up and kissed him more forcefully and passionately. He responded instantly and my hands went up and gripped his short curls as his gripped my back. Still kissing we moved to the couch in the living room as he pulled off his shirt revealing a wife-beater. As we reached the sofa and fell down on it I pulled off my own shirt and he trailed kisses down my neck and kept going. He let out a low moan as he entered me for the first time since the night of the proposal.
Eventually we finished and trudged, breathless, up to our bedroom. Jenny was there, sleeping peacefully in her crib.
"I understand if you can't do this," he said. I looked at him and smiled slightly. He was such a good guy.
"Yeah," I said slowly.
"So… no?" he asked. I could tell that he was trying very, very hard not to let his emotions show on his face. I sighed.
"Remember Haley and Nathan? I know you missed their marriage but remember before that? How she changed him into a different guy and they spent all their time together? How she changed from living almost constantly around Lucas and Karen to spending all her time at his apartment? And how they'd always walk around holding hands or with his arm around his shoulder, as though they couldn't bear to let go of each other for one single second?" I asked.
"Yeah," he responded slowly.
"We don't have that. We have a lot of feelings for each other and really great sex but it isn't all there," I said.
"So we have a different relationship than them. So we can't spend all our time walking along the docks because we have a kid to think about. Does it mean I care about you any less?" he asked. He approached me, sitting on the end of his bed. He went on his knees and took my hands in his, comforting me.
"Nathan and Haley had love-tons of it-but that didn't save them. We don't even have that," I argued.
"I love you," he said. He looked deep into my eyes but I didn't get the sensation that he was peering deep into me and was able to see everything. The sensation I'd always had with Lucas and never with Nathan.
"You're just saying that," I said. It was convincing.
"I'm not. So you're not?" he asked. I took a deep, steadying breath and looked into his brown eyes again.
"No. I am."
