Chapter Eight
Shortly after midnight I crept into my room, changed into my pajamas and left to go to bed in my father's room. I'd done this only once-a few months previously, just before we'd hooked up when I was too full of hormones to sleep asexually with him.
The hormones were still there but my emotions were too strong. And my lack of emotions affected me too well. I felt as though I should be blinded by love, already choosing the names of our children. But I wasn't. Jake was such a great guy. The greatest guy I'd ever dated. Nathan was an ass, back when we'd been going out. Luke had seemed like the greatest guy ever. He'd wanted me back and we'd almost gotten together when my ever present fear returned. I'd turned away when he'd begun to talk about a relationship based on more than sex. But then he'd gotten together with Brooke the night I'd gone for a second chance. And then he'd cheated on her-with me. And the night after I'd broken it off, even though I still loved him, he went and slept with a stranger.
A stranger who'd turned out to be Nikki.
I knew that at one point she'd been a good person. She'd had to have been, for a person like Jake to fall in love with her. Or was her badness always underneath? Had he fallen for her flirting? Did he really love me, or had he fallen yet again?
I thought back to when my parents had shared the room. On rainy night I'd cross the hall to their room and climb into their bed-this was before I'd stopped showing my feelings. Then I thought of the haze of events from the car crash to her funeral, and to the day he'd gone off on his boat and left me all alone.
I wasn't alone anymore. If I wanted, I'd never be alone again. All I had to do was walk back into my room and curl up next to him as I'd done for so long. It would be such a simple act-and he'd welcome me. But the thought of this somehow made me only burrow further under the sheet.
My thoughts had been so preoccupied with the wedding that I hadn't thought about the trial in days. My thoughts turned to it. We could win. We'd now employed the biggest gun in our arsenal, and the lawyer though we'd be successful. We had trouble affording the trial, but we had to figure that she did too. She was only a dropout, after all.
Dropout. I remembered that I was enrolled at Duke for next year. I hadn't wanted to go particularly in the first place, but the whole situation didn't exactly put it in better light. If I wanted to make the marriage work would spending the first four years busy at school really be the best path?
I pulled my ring off. Slid it back on. It occurred to me that we could just be fake married, in name only. Then it hit me that we'd already lived like a married couple, so stopping now made no sense. Why had I shot him down? It's not like I didn't want to do it. Or that he had no right or that I was anything like a virgin. Haley had maybe been a virgin when she and Nathan had gotten married, unless they'd done it that afternoon. I wasn't like that. I'd lost my virginity to him as well. But I'd only ever been with two guys-it struck me that I'd only ever be with two guys. Brooke's magic number was… well, it was high. I felt like calling Haley, to muse about marriage with her, but worried she'd be too busy in her own situation. I hoped they'd get back together. He needed her. And underneath her fame, her new 'perfect' self, she needed him just as much. Back when they'd first gotten together, the pairing of Nathan and Haley had seemed as insane as Brooke and Lucas. But Nathan and Haley turned out perfectly. At least, for a few months. Maybe they'd turn out perfectly again?
I stiffened as I heard the creak of bedsprings in my bedroom-in our bedroom. If he got up, he'd get up to talk. He wouldn't push it. He knew me well. Not as well as some…
What we had had once seemed so special. Back when he'd left for Savannah, I'd literally pined for him. And then he'd come back and moved in with me. Slowly we got closer and closer, which was enough for me. When we'd finally hooked up, I was bursting with happiness. I thought he'd get me over Luke for better or worse, and help me fall in love again. And he was so musical, and so faithful. He'd never go sleep with Nikki. Well, he had slept with Nikki. But a long time ago.
I almost wished for Jenny. If she woke up, and started to wail I could go back and we'd probably be able to resolve. But now there was no way to go back except for to back down. And my ridiculous pride wouldn't allow that.
I crept back into my room. After a moment of searching I found my sketchbook and ran back to the room with it.
After an hour, I looked with pride at my finished sketch. A girl that was me with a ring on her finger, a boy that was Jake holding her. A baby at their feet. A skank in the background. As I always do, I caption it in neat letters. The caption reads-
I didn't mean forever.
Authors note-Sorry this is so short and so plotless. Next one is full of Naley and with luck will be up in a couple hours or so. I hope this chapter didn't make you abandon the story entirely…
