Of Two Worlds
Disclaimer/Author's Note: Gundam Seed and its characters are not mine, and they never will be. But that doesn't mean I can't love them! In any case, this is my first Gundam Seed fanfic. I'm deviating from my series Gundam Wing: Battle of the Next Generation, because I finally watched those twenty-some CDs of Gundam Seed that my friend gave me…and now I'm hopelessly in love with the Dearka/Miriallia pairing. The point of this story is to explore the relationship between Dearka and Miriallia during, and eventually, after the series. The moments shown between them are usually relatively brief but also laden with significance and ambiguity. Just what were they thinking when they interacted, both on and off screen? In an effort to stay as true to the series as possible, I will quote actual lines from the show (as taken from the subbed version that I have), but I will throw in some of my own, especially as the story progresses, and I will give my interpretation of what I think they were thinking in the form alternating first person narratives from the two characters.
I hope you enjoy! Since this is my first Gundam Seed fanfic; in fact, this is my first non-Gundam Wing fanfic, I would appreciate any feedback you would have to offer. Thanks!
The war was finally over. After the destruction of Yakin Duue and subsequently GENESIS, both sides had finally agreed to negotiate a cease fire. Some members key to the conflict were put on trial, some were let off. Everyone, however, just wanted to move on. The war had claimed countless lives, and the people were tired of killing each other out of hatred and revenge. An existence based on revenge was meaningless and empty, and the people had finally realized it.
Dearka quickly glanced over the paperwork an assistant had handed to him, and nodded his approval, sending the assistant running off again. He sighed, and glanced about him. ZAFT was busy rebuilding itself, as was the Earth, and he had wanted to be a part of it. PLANT was his home, ZAFT had been his livelihood for most of his life. His father was a distinguished member of PLANT's highest council, and he had been one of the five elite soldiers selected to pilot the stolen Gundams. Now, he served as a bodyguard for Yzak, his best friend and fellow soldier who was now a member of PLANT's council, who was at the moment in a meeting, and Dearka was waiting for him to finish. And yet, he had defected during the war…
Dearka shook his head. No, he had never defected. He had never betrayed his loyalty to PLANT, or at least, he'd like to think of it that way. True, he had surrendered to the Earth's forces once Buster had been shot down, but that was only because he saw no point in dying. He certainly had never planned on becoming one of them; his scornful behavior towards his captors had been meant to see to that. But that was all before Miriallia came into the picture-
"Dearka! DEARKA!"
Dearka abruptly yanked himself out of his daydream as he became aware of Yzak standing in front of him, eyebrows furrowed in mock annoyance. "Dearka, what do you think you're doing? If someone manages to kill me while you're on the job, it'll be your fault! Come on, you volunteered for this job! Either do your job or don't offer to do it at all!" Yzak admonished him.
Dearka grinned. "Sorry Yzak, just lost my focus for a little bit," he said.
Yzak shook his head. "Lost your focus huh?" Before Dearka could interrupt, he continued right on. "Let me guess: You were thinking of a certain Natural that was the CIC of the Archangel. Am I right?"
Dearka glared at the smug expression of his friend. "Yeah well, Natural or Coordinator, it doesn't matter anymore anyway," he grumbled, trying not to blush.
Yzak's expression softened. "You're right…It doesn't matter anymore," he said in a gentler tone. "While we're on the subject, what happened to her anyway? Or more correctly, to you and her?"
Dearka sighed, eyes downcast. Turning away from Yzak, he muttered, "So anyway, how did that meeting go? Everything working out with the Earth's representatives?"
"The meeting went fine, and I know you're trying to change the subject. So what happened?"
Dearka glared at Yzak, who was looking all too smug for his liking. "Since when did you care about stuff like this anyway?" Dearka growled, turning to stalk off.
Yzak followed him. "Don't get me wrong Dearka. I wouldn't be asking you about your love life, or your lack thereof, if I didn't think it was bothering you."
Dearka sighed, and slowed down. Throwing himself into the nearest chair, he stared at the ground and said, "Well…it just wasn't good timing, you know?"
Yzak followed his example and also sat down. "Not good timing? You two were on the same ship! If that wasn't good timing, I don't know what is."
"No no, it's not that. I was captured the same day her boyfriend was killed in battle by Athrun…"
…………………
Elsewhere on Earth, Miriallia sat at home, staring at a picture of Tolle. "Tolle…" she said softly, burying her head in her knees. It had only been a few months since the end of the war, and the grief caused by his death still haunted her. After the war ended, everyone had gone their separate ways: Cagalli was determined to rebuild Orb, and Athrun had left ZAFT to help her. Kira and Lacus had settled down with Markio and the orphans. Murrue had needed some time off from the military to mourn Mwu's death, and Ssigh had returned to his studies. She, on the other hand, had returned to Earth, and shut herself in her home. She knew she could join Cagalli and Athrun; after all, Orb was her place of origin, and she knew she would've been welcomed at Markio's house, or she could've even returned to school with Ssigh and Kuzzey…but she just couldn't. Things had happened in the war so quickly that she needed time off to heal. She needed time to recover from how she, an average college student, had suddenly had her home invaded, how she had been arrested, how she had enlisted, how her boyfriend was killed, how her homeland was destroyed, how she met Dearka…
Yes, Dearka was the main reason for her sudden retreat from the daily events of the world. Conflicting feelings swam inside of her, feelings that had begun the moment she first met him on the Archangel. That fateful day, when Tolle had been killed and Dearka suddenly appeared in her life…
…………………
Yzak looked at Dearka curiously. "You know, you never did tell me anything about this girl…what was her name again? I just remember it as being long and complicated…"
"Her name is Miriallia, and of course I didn't tell you! I didn't want anyone to know about it," Dearka snapped irritably.
"Why not?" Yzak challenged, not put off by Dearka's tone.
"It…I…" Dearka stammered, unsure of what to say. He finally sighed and said wearily, "Everything was just so confusing. So many things were left unspoken, open to speculation. The circumstances we were in were hopelessly complicated. Everything just…I didn't want to say anything because I don't even know what's going on!"
flashback
"Seriously! Stop treating me so bad! I'm wounded here!"
I glared at the guards behind him. I couldn't believe what had happened: Shot down by a Natural bastard, Buster taken from me, taken captive, all the while being wounded in the process. Well, it was probably my pride that was wounded more seriously than my body, but I still wasn't going to give these Naturals an easy time of it! I smirked as they glared at me in irritation, and jabbed me in the back once more with their guns. I obliged them and continued walking down the hallway.
"Geez…how long were you planning on keeping me here?"
"Shut up!"
I rolled my eyes but kept walking. Suddenly I heard whispering.
"It's the pilot of Buster."
"He's young."
Startled, I glanced up…just in time to see a girl in uniform with a tearstained face, cowering behind two of her comrades. But I have to admit, she was pretty cute, so I stopped and bent down to take a closer look. Leering at her, I said, "So a ship like this has a cute little girl like this huh?" placing emphasis on the words "little girl."
Her comrades glared at me. "Hey!" they snarled.
I didn't care. Cute or not, this girl was a Natural, which made her subhuman. Besides, if she was a soldier, why was she crying anyway? I continued my taunting relentlessly. "How stupid! What are you crying for?"
She looked up at me, tears in her eyes. I grinned, then sauntered off, saying, "I should be the one who wants to cry."
…………………
"You know, Tolle, I met Dearka the day you died," Miriallia said quietly. She stared out her window, lost in thought. Chuckling slightly, she murmured, "We certainly had a rough start: He had a terrible attitude, and since I met him right after you died, his attitude made me think he had been the one who killed you."
flashback
"I should be the one who wants to cry," he had said. The words echoed mockingly in my head. Did that mean he had been the one who killed Tolle? Next to me, I heard Ssigh snarl and lunge, only to be stopped by a soldier. "It's prohibited to do anything harsh to a prisoner," he admonished him. Hearing that, the pilot turned around once again, smirking. I fought back my tears. If he had been the one who had killed Tolle…
Ssigh saw the look on my face and led me to the cafeteria. I could only stare at my food. "Miriallia, you should at least eat something…" Ssigh chided gently. "So you can sleep…I guess that's not possible…" he finished, more to himself than me. In the background, I could hear other soldiers talking…something about working and being shorthanded. Their words blended together, making no sense…until I heard them say, "We only have Sky Grasper One now…"
Those words knocked me out of my reverie. Tears welled up in my eyes again, and I knew I was shaking. Poor Ssigh…he grabbed both our trays, put them away, then put his hand on my shoulder. "Milly…let's go," he said gently. I stood up numbly, too shocked to do anything else but listen to his words. Hugging myself in an effort to control my shaking, we walked down the hall, Ssigh's gentle hand guiding me as I tried not to cry. I think I heard Fllay's voice; I knew Ssigh stopped to talk to her briefly, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. All I knew was that we were suddenly at the infirmary, and Ssigh was telling me to go inside. "I'll go get medication from the doctor or something…You should sleep a little, or something" and he was gone, leaving me to stumble my way heavily over to the nearest chair. I sank down wearily, but before I could rest, I heard a voice from behind me.
"Hey doctor!"
…………………
I was annoyed. At least they had taken me to the infirmary and treated me instead of throwing me in a cell, but it had been hours since I had seen a doctor. When I finally heard the doctor come in and sit down next to my bed, I took it as an opportunity to act obnoxious once again and called out to him.
Well, it turns out it wasn't the doctor. It was the cute crying girl I had seen before, and at the sound of my voice, she jerked around, saw me, then abruptly jumped out of her chair, staring at me in shock. I looked at her, at first confused as to why she had such a horror-filled expression on her face, but soon got over it. She had clearly been crying again, and I pounced on that.
"What's with that face? Am I that scary? Do I look that unique? It's okay. I'm tied securely, see?" and I sat up, showing her my bound hands. Obviously, this dim-witted Natural must've been terrified to see me, a Coordinator, even if I was bound. In any case, she continued to stare at me, and I continued to taunt her.
"But…you're crying again?" I closed my eyes smugly and lay back down. "Why is a girl like you on a ship like this? Why don't you just throw away your uniform if you're so scared? Right? Or maybe your dumb, worthless Natural boyfriend croaked or something?"
I was loving it. I knew my words were making her cry harder, but I didn't care. Hey, I had already decided not to make this easy for them, and this was like taking candy from a baby. Or at least, it was until I saw her shadow looming over me, and the knife that was suddenly swinging down towards my head.
…………………
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. All I could hear was his words, each stabbing me harder than the next. But it wasn't until he mentioned Tolle that something in me finally snapped. I saw something shining in the corner of my eye: It was a knife, lying in a drawer. Suddenly, it was in my hand, and I was stabbing it into that pilot's head. Or least, his pillow. He had seen me, and suddenly sat up. Staring at me in shock, he sputtered, "What are you doing, bitch?!"
I didn't care. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip him to pieces. I wanted him to die, just as he'd killed Tolle. I lunged at him again, and this time I managed to graze his forehead, knocking both of us, as well as the bed curtain, onto the ground. I slowly got to my knees: His eyes were closed, and the shock had clearly surprised him. It was my chance to kill him, but suddenly I felt someone yanking me to my feet. "Miriallia!"
It was Ssigh. "Let go!" I screamed, struggling against him. I wanted that pilot dead. I wanted his mocking voice to stop. I wanted him to disappear, just as Tolle had disappeared. "Calm down Milly!" Ssigh said desperately.
"Tolle…Tolle is gone!" I shouted back at him, still struggling. Why was Ssigh holding me back? Why was he stopping me? Didn't he see how unfair, how cruel it all was? If someone as good as Tolle was gone, what right did his murderer have to still even exist?
"Why is a guy like this…Why is a guy like this still here?!" I screamed, glaring down at him.
…………………
I winced and sat up. She'd definitely gotten me the second time, but I was surprised at how I was still alive, considering how long the shock had kept me on the ground. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I had my answer: The same guy from before had suddenly showed up, and he had pulled her away. She was struggling, screaming, but her next words hit me hard: "Why is a guy like this still here?!" she cried, staring at me with tear-filled eyes of anger and grief. I was shocked. This entire time…it had just been a game to me. But as I watched her sob, I realized that my joke had gone too far: In a cruel twist of fate, I had guessed right when I asked if her boyfriend had been killed. I watched as she crumpled against her friend. "Why?" she cried desperately. "Tolle…He's not here…why?"
I felt terrible. It had been so easy before, when all I had to do was follow orders; when I was told that Naturals weren't human, that they were inferior to us Coordinators. But this sobbing girl in front of me was undeniably human. She had a face, she had a life, she had had a boyfriend that perhaps…I might've been responsible for killing. She had feelings, and I had cruelly taken advantage of them.
Unfortunately, I was distracted by an all too familiar clicking sound. I turned and stared: Sometime during our scuffle, another girl had come into the room. The clicking sound had come from the gun that was in her hand…and aimed towards me. I could only watch her dumbly, too emotionally stunned to do anything. Staring at me with hateful eyes, holding the gun with shaking hands, she hissed, "Bastards like Coordinators…they must all be wiped out!"
…………………
I heard the click of the safety being switched off in a gun, and I stared at the doorway. Fllay had appeared, and she had somehow gotten her hands on a gun…a gun that was aimed at the pilot. I saw her fear, but most importantly, I saw her hatred. I saw the hatred that I had seen all too often before, and I suddenly realized something: Fllay was going to kill him. "Bastards like Coordinators…they must all be wiped out!" she cried as her finger moved towards the trigger.
I don't know what happened, but suddenly, I was running towards her. I knew very well that I was in her way, and that if that trigger was pulled, I would be hit. But the alternative…shooting the pilot, somehow, I couldn't allow that to happen, even if that meant putting my own life in danger. Desperately, I reached out and swatted her hand…just as she pulled the trigger.
…………………
I winced reflexively as I heard the explosion of the gun. I felt glass shower down on me…glass? Surprised, I opened my eyes and stared. The girl I had been taunting…Milliaria? Milly? In any case, she who had been so desperate to kill me, she who I had hurt terribly and who had every right to kill me, had just saved my life. Both girls had been knocked to the ground; she must've pushed the second girl away from me. But to do that…that would've meant endangering herself. I couldn't understand any of it, and so I sat there helplessly, watching as she cried from her position on top of her stunned friend.
…………………
By some miracle, all of us were still alive. I was sobbing on Fllay's chest, while Fllay lay shocked on the ground. The feelings inside me were tearing me apart: How could I betray Tolle by rescuing his murderer? But at the same time, just because he had killed Tolle, what right did I have to kill him? Then again, it would've been Fllay who'd killed him, but if I hadn't stopped her, would that have made me partially responsible? It was painful and confusing, and I wearily climbed off of Fllay, still sniffling. I heard Ssigh put the safety back on, and Fllay glared at me angrily. "What are you doing?" she demanded.
I didn't know what to say, which made Fllay even angrier. "Why did you stop me? You tried to kill him too! You hate that bastard too!"
…………………
I cringed at the girl's harsh words. Of course she hated me. She had every right to; I'd killed her boyfriend. But for some reason…she shook her head. Tears continued to come out of her eyes; I could see the conflict within her, and yet…she didn't hate me? But…why? How could she possibly not? I was stunned.
Meanwhile, the other girl continued her verbal assault. "That Coordinator who killed Tolle!" she cried, frustrated by her friend's seeming refusal to hate me.
…………………
Fllay was consumed by her rage. The same temper that I had seen through her abuse of both Kira and Ssigh was manifesting itself again, this time towards the captive pilot. I knew I should've agreed with her. I kept on trying to tell myself that I hated him, that I wanted to kill him, but as I watched her, I knew that I didn't feel the same way she did. I couldn't. I didn't want to become like her, full of hate. No matter what this pilot had done to Tolle, no matter what he had done to me…Fllay's reaction just seemed so empty. And at that moment, I realized just how disturbed and traumatized Fllay had become, and I pitied her. She hated him just because he was a Coordinator, and not because he had done anything to wrong her.
In the mean time, Fllay stood up. "What is this?! You're the same! You and I are the same!"
"Fllay!" I heard Ssigh exclaim.
"No…" I said softly.
…………………
I stared at her in shock. No? Did she just say no? That she didn't hate me?
The other girl, Fllay was her name apparently, had stood up, but…Milly still stayed sitting on the ground, tearfully shaking her head. "No…I'm not. I'm not!" she cried, looking up and staring tearfully but resolutely at her friends. I was speechless, hopelessly confused…and touched. This girl, despite being an enemy soldier and a Natural, was showing me, a Coordinator, more humanity than I had seen in long time, even from allies. But before I could say anything, the door opened, and two soldiers walked in. "What is this?! What's going on?" they demanded.
Well, that was that. My head was bandaged, and I was quickly whisked off again, same bound hands and gun in the back style, but this time to a much less comfortable bed in a jail cell. This time, however, I went without the snide comments. The events that had just transpired were making my head spin, and I was still trying to piece things together.
In any case, I was taken to the prison, my hands unbound, and then locked in and left alone to my own thoughts in the dark. I sighed and lay down on the bed, then made the mistake of rolling over. "Ouch!" I grumbled, wincing. Readjusting myself, I thought back to what had just happened: My taunts, her anger and grief. "Who would've thought I'd hit the bull's eye…?" I said to myself sadly, rolling myself back over to stare at the ceiling. I needed time to think. If I had killed her boyfriend…then she had every right to hate me, as well as every right to kill me. I would willingly accept the consequences, a thought which surprised even me. I certainly had never thought of that before. But then…what if I hadn't been the one? Would she hate me still?
…………………
When the soldiers arrived, we fortunately didn't have to explain much: The knife, broken glass, gun, and the pilot's bleeding forehead did all the talking. We were all sent away, and the pilot was taken off to a jail cell. I returned to my bed to sit and think. How did I get so carried away? I couldn't believe that I was angry enough to want to kill him…but at the same time, what made me stop? Something about him had made me change my mind, but how was that possible? He hadn't done anything to make me like him; he had done the exact opposite. So then…why?
Finally, I decided. I had to go see him. I had to see Tolle's murderer again, this time rational and level-headed, and decide for myself whether to hate him, or to…I don't know what. And I was scared to think of the possibilities of what that could be.
A few moments later, I was down at the jail. I flattened myself against the wall and attempted to calm myself down, but the mere thought of even seeing him again reminded me of how I tried to kill him. It was a scary memory that sent shivers down my spine. Finally, however, I gathered my courage and jumped in front of his cell.
…………………
That girl must not have had a single soldier's bone in her, because as I pondered over the events of the last hour, I suddenly realized that there was someone watching me. I immediately sat up…just as Milly whatever her name was jumped in front of my cell. I don't know what it was she was expecting, but she was clearly shocked to see me expecting her appearance. I, however, was equally shocked that it was her of all people who had appeared. But in any case, my sitting up and waiting for her flustered her so much that she turned and tried to run away, but this time, I was determined to actually have a real conversation with her. "Wait!" I said desperately, only half expecting her to listen.
She stopped. Then she turned around, glancing at me uncertainly with those blue eyes of hers. Seeing those eyes rendered me speechless. "Well…" I said meekly, nervously looking away. She just kept looking at me, eyes filled with hope, expectation, fear…more emotions than I could ever hope to understand. All I knew was…I couldn't even look at her straight in the face. I finally managed to turn back slightly and stammer, "Your boyfriend…where did he…?" and I couldn't finish.
…………………
I had been surprised enough that he had asked me to wait, and even more surprised when he attempted a real conversation. But…why did he ask about Tolle? And why did he ask with such an uncertain look on his face? I wondered how it was possible that this person in front of me was the same person who had mercilessly tormented me just a few hours ago. Finally, however, I answered his question. "He was piloting the Sky Grasper," I said softly, staring at my feet. "On the island…when you guys attacked…"
"Sky Grasper?" I could hear the bewilderment in his voice. "A fighter…blue and white…" I clarified, still not looking at him. I didn't want to hear what he'd have to say…I didn't want to hear him say how he'd killed Tolle, or when it exactly happened, or where-
"It's not me."
Surprised, I turned around to look at him.
…………………
A wave of relief hit me, and I lay back down. She had turned around, and was staring at me again with those big blue eyes of hers. "What's wrong? If you came to kill me, you can kill me," I said wearily. Even if I hadn't been responsible for her boyfriend's death, I had still wronged her greatly. I had insulted her, and I saw no reason why I should be pardoned for it. I knew I certainly wouldn't be merciful to anyone who treated me the way I treated her. Besides, she was a Natural and I was a Coordinator…wasn't that reason enough?
But all she did was look at me.
…………………
So he hadn't killed Tolle after all, and not only that, he was willing to die anyway. His actions threw me into a confused state, and for awhile, I just stood there, staring at him. I had no idea of what to say, and after some awkward silence, I finally left. My purpose had been achieved: I knew I couldn't hate him. I had no reason to. I wasn't like Fllay: Natural or Coordinator, it made no difference. Kira was a Coordinator, but he was also a friend.
And besides, the events of the war kept us busy for the next few days: Natarle, Mwu, and Fllay were transferred, we were betrayed at Alaska, Panama was attacked, and finally, with nowhere else to go, we returned to Orb in an effort to regroup. I was eating my lunch when we docked at Orb, and when I went to return my tray, I saw that one of the trays had never been taken. "Why is this tray still here?" I asked. Turns out it was meant for the pilot, but no one had come to take it. Suddenly, I remembered the look in eyes as he had told me he hadn't been the one who'd killed Tolle…but of course that didn't matter at all! Serves him right, I thought to myself as I walked out of the cafeteria…and as I stopped and turned around…and as I picked up his tray…and as I found myself walking down to the brig, tray in hand. Well, everyone needs to eat, I thought to myself, trying to justify what I was doing. That's all. It's nothing more. It's nothing more at all.
