The Silmarillion For Dummies

A/N: I must warn everyone: don't take my summary seriously. This should not be used as a learning tool. It will not teach you about The Silmarillion. Melkor did not like hip-hop. Manwë was not stupid. I don't know if Eru liked classical music; maybe he did. The point is, never try to learn literary classics from parodies. It might give you the main story, but it will not give you the actual impact of the story. If you have a lot of time on your hands (considering its length), go read the original. It's better for your health, and a wonderful novel. Reviewer responses can be found at the end of the chapter. Thank you everyone!


Chapter Two: Valaquenta (or, The Account of the Valar and the Maiar According to the Lore of the Eldar) – Yes, that's the actual title…

Of the Valar

The author doesn't feel like going back and summarizing the last chapter, so she will simply continue.

Where were we? Ah, yes. Which Ainur became the Valar?

Well, you already know about Manwë (he was the dumb one), Melkor (the one who liked hip-hop), Ulmo (the watery one), and Aulë (the one who liked dirt). But what of the others?

There were seven Lords of the Valar, who were the males, and there were also seven Valier, or Queens of the Valar, who were obviously the females. This might get confusing. Pay attention.

The Lords were Manwë, Ulmo, Aulë, Oromë, Mandos, Lórien, and Tulkas (I'll explain the last four in a minute). The Queens were Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Estë, Vairë, Nessa, and Vána. For some reason, they don't count Melkor as one of the Valar. I suppose it was the hip-hop thing.

Varda lives with Manwë on the tallest mountain in Valinor (which you'll learn about later). She is the Lady of the Stars, and made all the constellations that you can see every night, unless you live in the city. She improves Manwë's sight, because he can see farther if she's with him, and he improves her hearing. So it's a win-win situation. The Elves hold Varda as the greatest of the Valar, and call her Elbereth, because in order to hold the Valar important, people have to give them all kinds of crazy, endless names.

Ulmo stays by himself, and doesn't ever really come on land. He rules all the water all over Eä, and loves Men and Elves (the carbon-based life forms that show up later).

Aulë is in charge of the earth, as we already know, and likes making pretty things like jewelry. He's the best smith in the world, and taught everything he knows about it to the Dwarves (other life forms that show up later) and Elves.

Yavanna was the wife of Aulë. Please don't ask how, because nothing is known of the Valar's wedding rituals, so just accept the fact and move on. She takes care of plants and things like that, and without her, we'd probably starve.

Mandos and Lórien are brothers (once again, don't ask, just accept it). Their real names are Námo and Irmo, but we'll call them the first names. Mandos is Lord of the Dead, and in his halls live the spirits of…well, the dead. He has the best memory of everyone in the whole world, and can see into the future. Except he doesn't need to, because he already knows everything that's going to happen. His wife is Vairë, and she makes tapestries of everything that happens in Eä. It's a wonder her hands don't fall off, as much weaving as she does.

Lórien is the Lord of Dreams. His wife is Estë, who is a healer of weariness and pain. Lots of times she helps even the Valar when they're tired. Huh, some Great Ones. Have you ever heard of Elemental Lords that needed to rest? So much for them being almighty.

Then, there's Mandos and Lórien's sister Nienna. She's waterlogged, because her special ability is crying. She cries for everything bad that happens. Strangely enough, though, she teaches everyone about hope.

Then there's Tulkas. He's the "Conan the Barbarian" of the Valar. Think Viking meets celestial spirit, and there you go. He's pretty much all brawn, no brains. He's married to Nessa, who isn't really in charge of anything in particular. She likes deer.

Wow.

Oromë is Nessa's brother, and the Lord of the Hunt, I guess. He owns lots of dogs and horses, and rides around hunting all the time. He has a horn. He's married to Vána, who's Lady of the Flowers.

That's all the Valar. Confused? I hope not.

Of the Maiar

Eru also sent lesser spirits with the Valar called the Maiar, and they're servants of the Valar.

Gasp! The Valar had servants! They enslaved others!

No, I'm joking. The Maiar liked it.

There were quite a few of them, but the only ones I'm really going to talk about are Melian and Olórin. Melian becomes important later, and is the mother of the most beautiful being in the history of Arda (remember, that's another name for Eä). Olórin isn't all that important early on, but there's something they don't tell you. He was Gandalf! So Gandalf's not even mortal! Dun, dun, dun!

Of the Enemies

Melkor was the only really important bad guy. Remember, there's always a bad guy. So Melkor decided that he was going to own Arda. Arda would be his, and he would be dictator over everyone. Thanks to the valiant deeds of the Valar, it would not be so. Melkor lured the Balrogs to be his bodyguards. They were made of fire and shadow, and no one can decide whether or not they had wings.

But that's not important.

Also, his little servant-Maia was Sauron, who we all know forged the Ring of Power and caused all those problems in Middle-Earth. He was Melkor's spy, and did everything he was told.

And so, you know who everyone (thus far) is. The story continues in the next chapter. The author does hope that this wasn't confusing. If so, you may read it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

TBC…

Reviewer Responses:

swee-haret179: Pay attention to the a/n. Don't trust this to teach you the Silmarillion. I'm glad you like it, though.

Malara: Glad you like it! And once again, don't try to learn from this.

Miss Piratess: I love it, too. I noticed there were no actual parodies of it itself, so I decided I'd be the first. Go me! And I'm glad you approve, oh great master of humor.

Noldo: Wow! You're reading this! Noldo is reading my story. One of the greats in humor...is reading this. Thank you! No, I've never read it, though I'd like to. I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed writing about the interior decorating. There's an update!

Here comes the hockey puck: Thank you! And don't try to learn from this!

Vana Tuivana: Nice to see you again.I'm glad you like it.

Super Shayde: Okay, I know you've never read this, so don't try to read this and say you have. I updated! Be happy!

A/N: For some reason, I don't think this chapter was as funny as the last. However, it was a bit hard to mock this chapter, due to the fact that nothing really happens. But things will get really fun when the Elves show up...