AN: Set just after S6 started, Buffy is back. It's a different kind of story for me to write, first person and I hope you can stand to read it. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks.

Head Games

Part 1

She's been back for a week now. One week and it's all turned into the same old routine. We go to college during the day, drop by the magic box, deal with a demon or vamp then go back home. Buffy patrols and beats up the bad guy. Xander works from very early and comes by the magic box after work, makes jokes and keeps things light. Anya works all day at the magic box and enjoys counting the money at night, she's good with the demonic stuff too, she usually has some insider information. Dawnie goes to school, comes by the magic box where she does some homework and is then dragged off home to be looked after by all of us.

I think she has it the worst. She was the key, put into the Summer's family, our lives, by some ancient order of monks. Her whole life was made up and then she lost her mum. I know how horrible that feels. But then she had to deal with Glory coming after her and most of us getting hurt because of it.

Spike got tortured, Buffy got beat up, Giles got stabbed. Then there was the crazy people. The crazy me. Glory thought I was the key, that I was Dawn but she was wrong and took my sanity. And Buffy died. I hate her for that.

They were all a wreck after that. I tried so hard to be there for Willow and Dawn. They both tried to stay strong, especially Dawn but they would always let go around me and I'd have to hold them together.

I told Willow I didn't remember. I told her I had no idea what had happened after Glory hurt my hand, that I didn't remember the babbling and the fear and the monsters that I couldn't escape.

I remember it all. I remember the nights when I just wished the bugs would get out of my skin and the monster would stop talking at me. I remember Willow holding me and crying, telling me it would be ok when I knew it wouldn't. I remember her giving me those pills that meant I couldn't fight the things coming for me. There was never for a second any peace or comfort.

I didn't want her to have to cope with what had happened to me, she had enough pain trying to cope with what had happened to Buffy and the fear that she was in some hell dimension. So I just pretended it hadn't happened. I haven't ever truly slept since then. I can't let her know I have nightmares. So I cat nap. Someday's I think I'll just collapse and sleep for a week but I see her and how much she needs me and I just keep going, I push it to the side and take her hand.

But now, Buffy's back and the scooby gang is back in session. Willow's happy with herself for bringing Buffy home, we all are but its lead to something in me to change. I can't hide it as well anymore. It's just constantly in my head, all those things I seen and felt and believed, they're all there haunting me and she has no idea.

When she touches me, I feel those bugs again.

"Hey baby." She leans over and kisses me. I taste the putrid demon that would always wait until she left the room, till I was alone to come for me. "How was class?"

I stand up and move to the bookshelf pretending to be looking for something. "Fine. I-I'm going to head back home, I've got work to do."

She gives me her concerned look. "Well, I'll come with you."

I can't let her, I can't be around her. "No. No, you stay around for a while, you might be needed."

I grabbed my bag and was halfway out of the door before anyone even knew.

I saw it all again today as usual. She came in here as normal, sat down at the table and opened a book. I know when people are fake reading, I'm King of fake reading! it was a skill I picked up in high school and transferred to my scooby work.

She's been distant for a while now. But even before that I could see it in her. She's not coping with the post insanity thing and I don't blame her but Willow thinks she doesn't remember anything. I figured out a while back that it was a lie. But what do I do? I sure as hell can't say anything to Will and I don't know how to approach it with Tara. I don't know if its my place.

Then I look at Will with the 'what did I do' face and I know I'm going to have to talk to her, not just for Willow but for her too. She's cracking and I should be there for her.

I hate being alone in the house but I hate being around them more right now. I'm sitting in the small room between the living room and kitchen, I like it here, its quiet, the least used space in the entire house.

I can't believe how my life has turned out. I love her so much, when I think about it it's completely overwhelming because I never knew love could be this strong but I still can't be honest with her and it's making me separate myself from her. I'm just constantly being pulled in opposite directions.

Every time I close my eyes, I see exactly what I see when their open. It makes no difference to those images and feelings. I'm living in a waking nightmare. I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

Then he's here, in front of me and I know why. I know he's here to talk, to help because that's what he does. Xander's much more powerful and insightful than anyone will ever know.

"Hey."

I look at him for minute in the awkward silence then I get up and begin waking through the living room.

"I'm just on my way upstairs." I don't mean to say these things but I've been pretending so long I just keep doing it.

He followed me. "No, you're not cause we're going to talk. I know you don't want to but you have to, Tara, this isn't healthy."

I couldn't say a word as I stood and held his gaze.

"You remember, don't you?" He asked simply.

I nodded. "You can't tell her. It'll hurt her."

"And she isn't already being hurt?"

I frowned and he knew I didn't know what he meant.

"You're brushing her off and she can't work out why. Right now she's sitting in the magic box horrified that she's done something to upset you."

He's right.

"This isn't just about Willow though. This is about you. Tara, you've got to tell her for your own sake."

"I can't, Xander. It's so selfish! She was grieving and I can't just take that away from her!"

I'm getting worked up now and I can't hold it back because I've waited so long to be able to say this and of course its Xander that noticed.

His voice softened, "Do you trust her?"

"Yes." I answered immediately and without conscious thought.

"Then trust her enough to let her support you. You need to talk about it and she needs to hold you while you do." He sat down on the sofa and I followed his lead sitting next to him.

"Before I could pretend it wasn't real, that I just had a weird nightmare. But I didn't and when I tell her about it..." I couldn't even say it.

But of course, he already knew what I meant. "When you make it real, you can fight it. That's a good rule, both with personal and apocalyptic demons."

"I just wish the scooby gang could be the ones fighting these demons."

He reached over a took my hand. Xander is such a gentle guy, it's never hard to see why Willow was so in love with him.

"We can't take them out but we can be your back up. Whenever you need some, whenever your lost and Will isn't there: I will be. Dawn will be. Anya and Giles and Buffy will be."

I lost control of my tears at that point. He was right and that gave me more hope that I could ever contain, so now there was over spill. Normally I'd be fighting to pull myself together but when he pulled me into a safe embrace I let go. I sobbed and I clinged to him but I never felt weak or guilty about it.

Xander knows how to show you the obvious. He tells you how it is, looks past all the acting and cheating human's automatically do. He see's the truth. And I love him for that.