The Silmarillion For Dummies
Chapter Three: Of the Beginning of Days
Then, the interior decorating began.
However, Melkor destroyed everything the Valar created, so they really wasted a lot of time. Build, destroy, build, destroy, over and over. It was stupid, really. Then, Eru sent Tulkas (Conan) to help the Valar and Valier, because for some reason they were too weak to deal with Melkor on their own. So Tulkas scared Melkor away, probably by blustering and laughing at the same time, which I daresay would probably be a scary thing to behold. Melkor left Arda entirely and took up a nice little abode in THE OUTER DARKNESS, or THE VOID, or outer space, as we'd call it, thus leaving them to go back to building.
Which they did.
"This is going to be fun!" Manwë said happily, clapping his hands. "Interior decorating is always fun!"
Varda responded by smacking him in the back of the head.
But before they could begin working, they had to make some kind of light, because let's face it: you can't really see what you're doing without light, and with the detailed furnishing the Valar were doing, they really needed to see. To solve the problem, Aulë, with his superior crafting skills, made two giant lamps and placed them on the tallest summits of the tallest mountains in Arda. The Valar lived on an island exactly in between them.
The author wonders: where were the electric outlets they used to plug them in?
"Hey, Aulë, where do you plug these lamps in?" asked Mandos, voicing her question and gazing at the lamps. The Valar had gathered on their little island to have a party, as they'd finished their work on Arda. Tulkas had just gotten married to Nessa. Once again, the author knows nothing of how Valar marry one another, so no details are available on rituals, outfits, how big the cake was, etc.
"Idiot," muttered Aulë, "you don't plug them in. They're lanterns!"
"Ah," said Mandos, seeing the oversized candles inside.
"I'm just curious, what if someone breaks these?" asked Aulë's wife, Yavanna, who'd just spent a long time planting forests and valleys and "all those cute little flowers" that Vána had helped her make.
"No one's going to break them," said her husband.
"But what if they do?" countered Yavanna. "All my forests will burn!" She gasped, suddenly realizing the urgency of such a happening. She seized his collar. "They'll cause forest fires!"
"No one's going to break them," repeated Aulë.
"But what about Melkor?" she continued.
"He lives in THE VOID."
"What if he comes back?"
"He won't," said Aulë.
Just then there was an ear-shattering crash.
Needless to say, Melkor had broken the lamps. He'd come back to Arda and built himself a little fortress in Middle-Earth, too, where he fled right away.
"I told you," said Yavanna with a sudden surge of superiority. Too late again, she realized that her forests were on fire. "We have to put them out!" she cried.
All the Valar then rushed to put out the fires that were by then blazing all over Arda. Finally, the fires died out, and they were very glad that the carbon-based life forms hadn't shown up yet.
"I did not foresee this," said Manwë, gazing at the destruction.
"You don't even see ten feet ahead of you! How do you expect to see the future?" asked Varda in exasperation.
As Lórien ran by, screaming because the fluffy ball at the end of his nightcap was on fire, Nessa looked at the other Valar.
"So, does this mean we have to do it all again?" she asked.
"Yep," said Yavanna, giving Aulë a hateful glare.
"And the deer are gone?" gasped Nessa in horror.
"Afraid so."
Nessa dissolved into tears, with Nienna sobbing away beside her.
Yavanna, on the other hand, was livid, and began to plan a new way of illuminating Arda.
The Valar proceeded to build Valinor, an island to the far west. They made it beautiful, with giant mansions and sprawling gardens. While the other Valar went to live in the city of Valimar (except Ulmo, who stayed in the sea), Manwë and Varda went to live on the tallest mountain, which was called Taniquetil, and Oiolossë, and Ellerína, and tons of other names, because we all know that for anything to be important, it has to have tons of names that no one can remember.
Then, Yavanna led them all to a hill and started dancing and singing.
"What's she doing?" Mandos asked Aulë.
"Said she's creating 'organic illumination'," whispered Aulë.
"Ah."
When she'd finished performing, two trees grew out of the ground, one with silver leaves and the other with gold. They lit up all of Valinor, amazingly enough, and Yavanna made them holy so that no one who was unworthy could touch them. And she started the calendar.
"Ha!" she cried triumphantly to her husband. "You should have asked me in the first place! Now pay up!"
Grudgingly, Aulë shoved two Maiar towards Yavanna. "Fine. Take 'em."
And everyone lived in peace for a while.
Reviewer Responses:
Super Shayde: Okay then. I'm glad you thought so, and those accents are getting on my nerves so badly. Ah, well. Yes, be happy! And update "Kettle of Nackledirk"!
Here comes the hockey puck: I actually think I'd be a bit scared to see my version of these guys. Go! Find The Silmarillion! Complete your quest! And thank you!
Kalayna: Glad you approve! And I thought Olorin/Gandalf is interesting, too.
Nawyn: Thank you! I can't stand hip hop myself, so I figured, why not? And the Nessa line is my favorite part!
Hanna M.: (blushes) Thank you! I hardly think I'm the queen...I mean, there are so many out there better than me! There's your update!
swee-haret179: There you go!
Voldie on Varsity Track: Thank you! I'm happy that you like my work, since I only write this stuff for fun. I really, really appreciate that you took my personal beliefs into account, and I'm sorry I can't read your stories. However, I very much appreciate your reviews. You could do a parody if you wanted. I'm not one to suppress a person's ideas. NO, NOT CARCHAROTH! I UPDATED!
Blue Marten: Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you think it's worth reading.
Piratica: It's my subconscious. Somehow, it's more insane than I am. And that's my favorite line, too.
Katatonia: I'm glad you find it helpful. The Silmarillion is a bit tedious if you're not used to reading long books or archaic language, but I am. Glad you like it.
Unsung Heroine: Thanks! I really liked inserting my own comments, because some of that stuff is so weird. I don't get a lot of it, and unfortunately, Tolkien's dead. There's an update!
jilian baade: Yes. How dare he interrupt the opera and classical? It's sacrilege!
Miss Piratess: It's S.P.E.W. all over again!
AliciaF: I would, too, my friend. I'm delighted that you like it!
Eathiln: I'm glad you think so. And really, what's the point of having a billion names for one person - or being, rather. It doesn't make sense! Glad you like it!
Keddi: Thank you. And also, thank you for trying to help, but it is Conan. I looked it up.
Vana Tuivana: Alas, no Elves yet, my friend. Thank you for your beautiful review of "Lament". Was this chapter silly enough?
Erestor: Ah, you're here! I'm honored. I enjoy making Manwe stupid... And I liked writing about the Maiar. Don't know about it beinga translation, because I think it's getting a bit strange, but I try. Thank you!
Malara: I'm happy you like it. Yes, it is confusing, and the book is even more so! Thanks!
vanyarelves: About the same amount of chapters as there are in the original, methinks. Yes, the carbon-based life forms will be fun. O.o Did you call Melkor "Daddy"? Thanks!
anticipationnation: Mr. Burns? I don't know any Mr. Burns. But I'm glad you think so! I updated!
Artemisa: Aw, I'm glad! (hug) Thank you!
sakura117us: Does your name have to do with Card Captor Sakura? I'm glad you like it.
Nessa Ar-Feiniel: Ah, yes. Mucho simplified, and extremely parodied. Thank you!
Melia Nerine: WOW! I can't believe you're here! I adored "The Chess Match". Definitely a favorite of mine. I'm glad you like my summary. And I hope I'm at least clear. Thank you so much!
A/N: I really appreciate all the reviews, everyone. I can't believe it's so popular. Thank you!
