Chapter 1: Pirates and Pie!
Disclaimer: it's not mine. Honest!
Harry, Ron and Hermione were heading down to breakfast when suddenly Mad-Eye Moody staggered over, collapsing into a heap at their feet, "The chest boys, me chest." He rasped,
Hermione frowned at being called a boy but as the Auror didn't seem very aware right now she overlooked it and pushed a chest towards him that had miraculously appeared at her feet.
Moody grabbed the chest and stood up, handing the chest to Ron. "Don't let him get it"
"Don't let who, get what?" Ron asked bemused
"Don't let Hook get the chest, boy." And with that he staggered away and apparated, clearly disregarding all the times it has been said that no one can apparate in or out of Hogwarts.
Before Harry, Ron and Hermione had time to process this action, a tall man with a hook for a hand and a rather poncy hat sprinted in. Harry frowned,
"Do we know you?"
"I don't think so." Hook said in shock,
"Yes, we do." Harry said certainly, "You're Draco's dad in a black wig and a poncy hat."
"What!" Shouted Draco, who had randomly appeared when Moody had apparated away. "Father!" Draco cried, hugging the pirate around the waist and trying to avoid being impaled on his father's sword. "How did you escape from Azkaban?"
"Azka – what?"
"Azkaban," Hermione said impatiently, "You know the Wizard Prison, Mr. Malfoy, established in 567 BC by Minestrone the Soup when his advisor called Spaghetti Hoop betrayed him, this was of course immediately following -" They didn't hear anymore though, because Ron had quietly stunned her.
"Sorry about that, she has a tendency to get over excited about…well…everything."
"Oh, so where were we?" Hook/Malfoy asked in confusion. "Oh yeah, I had just met this freak" He indicated Draco who looked a bit hurt, "No offense, mate-y."
"None taken." Draco said, sniffling quietly.
"Right, so Captain Hook, if that is your real name, MR. MALFOY!" Harry said impressively while Ron grabbed the back of his head and tried to yank off his 'wig'
"Ow. Stop it! What are you doing?"
"Harry…" Ron said slowly, "It's not a wig."
"Of course it's not a wig you scurvy knave. I am Captain James Hook of the Jolly Roger."
"Oh, terribly sorry, Sir. Slight misunderstanding, you see you do really look frightfully like this man." Harry said, grabbing a photo out of Draco's pocket from where he still lay crying on the ground.
"Oh." Hook said in wonder, examining the photo "We do look sort of similar I suppose,"
"Oh, yes you do you see, if you look at the nose you really do look quite similar." Ron said patiently,
"And you say he's in prison?"
"Yes, he kind of tried to kill me." Harry said,
"He did, did he?" Hook said in surprise,
"Yes, it was quite hurtful really." Harry said sadly, "You see I was starting to get quite fond of him."
"WHAT!" Ron sputtered,
"Well, Ron you see, Draco and I are…" But his words were covered by a particularly loud sob from Draco who still thought his father hated him. (It took him a long time to figure it out!)
"ARGH, enough of this!" Hook shouted, "Give me the chest boy."
"Oh, frightfully sorry, here." Ron sad handing it to him courteously, "Would you like some help with that, the lock's a bit rusty? If we open it can I be your first mate on the Jolly Roger?"
"Um…Sure." Hook said slowly, not used to such strange requests. So a very excited Ron woke up Hermione and said,
"Hermione… sorry for stunning… you… could you open… this chest for… the nice Captain… because… then I get to be… first mate… of a fright…fully… cool ship!" Ron said jumping up and down.
"Um…Sure."
"Hey, that's my line!" Captain Hook complained,
"Do you know turkeys like to wear pyjamas?" Harry asked suddenly,
"Um…right Harry." Hermione said,
"Sorry, I just hadn't said anything for a while." Harry explained while kicking Draco when he sobbed again,
"Hermiiiooonnneee, oppeeeenn thhheee chheessst!" Ron whined,
"Fine!" Hermoine sighed, "But I don't know why you two couldn't have done it. Alohamora!" She cried and instantly the chest burst open, a cloud of dirty blue smoke puffed out and when the smoke cleared nothing happened.
Hook leaned closer, Harry leaned closer, Hermione leaned closer, Ron leaned closer, Draco sobbed, and suddenly a huge pie appeared in mid air and flew full force at Hook's face. Spluttering and cursing Hook staggered backwards and in that moment Moody reappeared. Looking at the devastation around him he fell to his haunches and shouted "NOoooooooooooo! Not the apple pie!"
