Joes Just Wanna Have Fun

18 years ago…

"We've tracked the target down to these coordinates," Dusty reported on his two-way radio. "Do we flank 'em General Hawk?"

"No, we're going straight in," Hawk told Dusty. He was riding along with Duke. Dusty and Roadblock were in the other jeep. "What were they thinking going in there alone?"

"I just hope we get there before it's too late," Roadblock said. "And Shipwreck and the General don't meet a nasty fate."

"Odds don't look too good," Hawk said. "But when has that ever stopped us before?"

"We're here!" Duke pulled the jeep up to their destination. "I've got the stun gun ready just in case."

"Let's go! Move out!" Hawk ordered as they rushed the door and busted it in.

"IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?" Shipwreck shouted amid the shrieks of high-pitched laughter.

"Oh this is marvelous! Marvelous!" General Whithalf danced onstage with two bikini-clad girls.

"We're too late General," Duke sighed. "They're drunk already."

"A strip club…" Hawk rolled his eyes. "Of course Shipwreck would bring General Whithalf to a strip club!"

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"Well I can't say I'm shocked," Quicksilver shook his head. "No wonder you had to change a few things around in the movie!"

"Wait a minute," Wavedancer said. "I thought my father was on that island testing that rainmaking machine? Like in the movie."

"No, that was another example of creative editing by the writer," Hawk admitted. "Can I continue the story now?"

"Go ahead," Blob nodded.

"Fine," Hawk sighed. "Well we tracked them down to the strip club and we went inside. Big mistake…"

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"You've lost that loving feeling! Ooooh! That loving feeling…" Shipwreck, General Whithalf and Dusty sang with some strippers in colorful costumes.

"Note to self, ban the movie 'Top Gun' for life from the Pit," Hawk winced. "Roadblock do something!"

"He's top brass," Roadblock pointed at Whithalf. "You tell him not to stare at some stripper's…"

"I get the message!" Hawk said. "General please! We need to escort you back to the base!"

"Oh don't be such a fuddy duddy!" General Whithalf laughed. He took out some whipped cream. "Let's have a whipped cream fight!"

"Let's not and say we did!" Hawk moaned. "Shipwreck!"

"Now don't blame this fine young man," Whithalf said. "He was only following orders to show me a good time."

"And those were good orders General," Shipwreck grinned.

"Sir, I don't think your wife would appreciate these type of orders," Hawk snapped. "And she's back at the base terrorizing the motor pool!"

A huge muscular black haired stripper in a red and black outfit shot something at General Whithalf. "Heads up General!"

"AAHHHH!" Hawk dove in front of Whithalf and was immediately splattered with whipped cream.

"He's hit!" Whithalf shouted. "Man down! Man down!"

"Now this is just plain embarrassing," Hawk looked at his uniform.

"Aw lookit what Lulu Belle did," Shipwreck hiccuped. "Bad Lulu Belle."

"Oopsie!" Lulu Belle grabbed Hawk by the arm. "Right this way! We'll have you cleaned up in no time!" She shoved him through to the back rooms.

"Uh, Miss that's not really necessary," Hawk gulped. He could hear the others having a great time. "I'm never going to get them out of here at this rate."

"Oh I don't know," Lulu Belle said. "You might leave earlier than you think General Hawk of GI Joe."

"What?" Hawk startled. At that time very few people outside the Pentagon even knew about GI Joe, much less who was in it. He was even more startled when Lulu Belle whacked him on the back of the head and kicked him down.

"Excellent work," The Baroness appeared out of the shadows. "The plan worked perfectly."

'Lulu Belle' removed 'her' face. "This is the most degrading thing I have ever done," Destro grunted. He looked down at himself. "Although I must admit these latex body disguises are quite convincing. A little too convincing for my tastes."

"Destro my darling you've never looked so attractive," The Baroness chuckled.

"This is not funny!" Destro snapped.

"Yes it is," The Baroness said. "At least we accomplished our objective, to capture a general. Hawk will do quite nicely."

"I don't see why you couldn't put on the outfit!" Destro snapped. "I mean come on, look at me! I look like Michael Jackson with one plastic surgery too many! You're obviously more suited for this particular disguise than I am!"

"And you are obviously suited for marriage," The Baroness said. "Yet you refuse to discuss the possibility anyway."

"Oh lord…" Destro put his hand on his face. "Not this…"

"Oh yes, this!" The Baroness snapped. "Do you have any idea what kind of sacrifices I have made all these years? And yet when it's time for you to shoulder some of the responsibility in our relationship, you chicken out!"

"Yes, now I remember why I agreed to do humiliate myself like this," Destro sighed. "It's coming back to me now."

"And it's not like you've been such a saint!" The Baroness went on. "For crying out loud you had a child with another woman! Of course the fact that you didn't marry her either should have been a hint but do I turn my back on you? Do I?"

"All right, all right…" Destro winced. "You've made your point."

"Why do you have such problems with commitment?" The Baroness asked. "I know you had issues with your mother but for crying out loud…"

Hawk meanwhile had gotten his second wind but was still in total shock. "Destro? What in the world…?"

"It was either this or couple's therapy…" Destro sighed. "At least this way I save a few hundred dollars." He checked his costume and pulled out a few bills. "Actually I think I've made a few…"

"Are you still conscious?" The Baroness looked at Hawk. She took out her taser. "This should take care of it."

"I hope you have something to get rid of this chafing," Destro muttered. "These false pasties are killing me!"

And then everything went mercifully black.

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"Well no wonder you didn't want anyone to know," Avalanche blinked.

"That's gotta be the most humiliating capture story I've ever heard," Quicksilver said.

"I'm afraid it gets worse…" Roadblock told them.

"A lot worse…" Hawk moaned.

"You mean the being turned into a monster and forced to fight your team mates part?" Toad asked. "Yeah I can see that would be pretty bad."

"Actually that wasn't the scary part," Roadblock sighed. "That was kind of mild compared to what happened next."

"Don't remind me…" Hawk moaned.