Where in the World is General Hawk?
"How could you lose a general?" Scarlet snapped at the group three hours later. She and Mainframe had decided to track down the people who were supposed to track down General Whithalf and Shipwreck. While Mainframe was reporting in from the jeep, Scarlet was giving the search party a piece of her mind.
"Well we kind of got distracted," Dusty sheepishly admitted.
"I can see that," Scarlet glared at him and their surroundings. "Duke, Roadblock I'm really mad at the two of you! I mean I expect something like this from the others. And Shipwreck here is a no brainer. Not that he has a brain to begin with…"
"I'm afraid I have to shoulder some of the blame," General Whithalf fidgeted. "I did kind of start that feather boa competition after the whipped cream fight. And I did get carried away by tying the first sergeant up…"
"You think?" Duke muttered under his breath as he spat out some feathers. "But it was Roadblock monopolizing that one hooker for an hour that shocked me!"
"Look it's not what you think," Roadblock said. "Turns out she's putting her way through culinary school and we started to talk about recipes. Then we got into risotto recipes and you know how it goes."
"Yeah the last time he argued five hours straight with that White House chef on what kind of white wine was best for cooking," Dusty said.
"All right," Scarlet sighed. "The point is because of your irresponsible behavior, General Hawk was kidnapped!"
"What makes you say that?" Shipwreck asked.
"Well this latex mask I found out back is a pretty good clue," Scarlet brought it out. "Also the Hawk's communicator was smashed. Not to mention one of the strippers mentioned seeing a man in a silver mask taking off in a vehicle with a Cobra insignia on it. He was also seen arguing with a dark haired woman wearing black leather and glasses."
"He was kidnapped all right," Duke's eyes narrowed.
"Destro and the Baroness!" Roadblock exclaimed.
"Oh my," Whithalf blinked. "This is not good is it?"
"I'm afraid it's just got worse," Mainframe walked in with a large communicator device. "The President is calling for Hawk! It's urgent!"
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"Wait a minute," Toad held up his hand. "I'm confused now. In the movie you weren't there Roadblock. And this guy Hi Tech was the one who said the president was calling! Why weren't you and Mainframe in the movie?"
"Simple," Roadblock said. "We had better lawyers to keep us out of the picture. That's why!"
"Besides that Hi Tech guy was played by what's his name?" Avalanche said. "The actor who made all those chick flicks then decided to do something macho to boost his image."
"Yeah and that Heavy Duty guy was played by that pro football player turned actor!" Blob said. "Isn't he the governor of some Midwest state now?"
"So in other words they replaced Roadblock and Mainframe with two made up characters?" Quicksilver asked.
"They can do that?" Xi asked. "Just make up characters and fit them into established groups? Sounds odd to me."
"It does seem kind of phony doesn't it?" Wavedancer thought.
"Oh they do it all the time on the Internet," Arcade waved. "Actually it's more entertaining than the real shows sometimes."
"Can we get back to the story here?" The Scarlet Witch asked. "So then what happened Roadblock?"
"Like we were saying," Roadblock said. "The President of the US of A had made a call. And without Hawk around we needed to stall."
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"Uh, one moment please?" Dusty gulped as he had been handed the gauntlet video phone. "Mr. President sir, uh…We'll be with you in a minute. But first…Some soothing music. Please hold." He quickly handed it to Shipwreck.
"What?" Shipwreck hissed. He looked confused. "Uh, I come home in the morning light, my mother says 'When are you gonna live your life right'? Oh mama dear we are the fortunate ones, and girls they wanna have fu-un! Oh girls just wanna have fun!"
"Are you insane?" Duke hissed as he dragged Dusty away. "You just put the President on hold?"
"Well I didn't see you coming up with any ideas!" Dusty snapped.
"Look we have to answer the call or else we are all headed for a fall!" Roadblock said. "General sir, you are the highest ranking member here…"
"Uh, do me a favor please?" Whithalf gulped. "Don't tell him I'm here. Please?"
"Why sir?" Scarlet asked. "If I may ask?"
"Let's just say I owe him money and a new dog and leave it at that," General Whithalf sighed. "Result of a golf game that went terribly wrong. Not to mention the First Lady is still miffed at me for what I did in the Rose Garden."
"Oh lord…" Duke rolled his eyes.
'They just wanna! They just wanna!" Shipwreck kept singing and dancing around on the communicator. "Girls just wanna have fun!"
"Give me that!" Duke grabbed it from him. "Uh, sorry about that Mr. President."
"Oh that's all right," The President said. "He was quite good. Reminds me of my old acting days. Where's General Hawk?"
"Sir I hate to tell you this but…" Duke took a deep breath. "We believe General Hawk has just been kidnapped by Cobra."
"I was afraid of something like this," The President said. "If what my advisers tell me is true, Hawk may be in big trouble."
"What kind of trouble sir?" Duke asked.
"Duke when was the last time you went to the zoo?" The President asked.
"Not counting last week when we escorted you to see your old friend sir?" Duke asked.
"Oh yes," The President said. "I'd forgotten about that. Bongo looked wonderful didn't he? But that's not the issue. We believe that somehow Cobra is involved with a raid last night on the National Park Zoo! We've intercepted reports that they are going to use some kind of DNA experimentation. I need you to go there and see what you can find."
"Right away Mr. President," Duke nodded. "Duke out." He turned off the communicator. "All right, Dusty bring General Whithalf back to the Pit for safety. The rest of us are going to take a little trip to the zoo. The search for Hawk begins now!"
"Sure," Shipwreck quipped. "Where else would you find a kidnapped general?"
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Meanwhile in a remote Cobra base Hawk was waking up. "Oh I really gotta stop eating those spicy foods before bed…" He muttered. He found himself strapped to a medical table. "What in the world?" He looked up from where he was held when he heard an explosion.
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!" Cobra Commander laughed as he used a small laser to blow up a scale model of a city. "Take that, bowling alley! Take that Moe's tavern! Take that nuclear power plant! Ha! Ha!"
"Oh lord," Destro sighed as he stood nearby. "I told him not to have all that coffee."
"What in the Sam Hill is going on here?" Hawk shouted.
"Oh you're awake General? There is such beauty in destruction, don't you think?" Cobra Commander asked. He then noticed that his model set was on fire. "AGGH! FIRE! FIRE! SOMEBODY GET ME AN EXTINGUISHER NOW!"
Several troopers and BATS scurried around. "COME ON! COME ON! NO THAT'S ALCOHOL YOU IDIOT! NOW IT'S EVEN BIGGER! GET ME A FIRE EXTINGUISHER BEFORE IT GETS TO…OH GREAT NOW ONE OF THE BAT'S ARE ON FIRE! SOMEBODY PUT IT OUT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND A FIRE EXTINGUISHER? WE HAVE A FIVE BILLION DOLLAR SECRET BASE AND NOWHERE IN SIGHT IS A LOUSY FIVE BUCK…"
"Allow me," Destro sighed as he pressed a button on his right gauntlet. It spewed out some flame retardant that put out the fires. "You have to admit Hawk, that was entertaining," Destro said.
"What is this place?" Hawk asked.
"This is the Viper Pit, General," Cobra Commander said. "Your new home!"
"We'd like to offer you a new job," Destro said.
"I will not do any lap dances with you Destro," Hawk glared at him.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "What did he say?"
"Never mind!" Destro said quickly. "Forget it."
"Oh I think Cobra Commander might find this interesting," Hawk grinned.
"NO HE WON'T!" Destro snapped. "Just get on with it, Cobra Commander."
"Fine! Overkill! Commence the demonstration!" Cobra Commander ordered. In walked a half man, half machine monstrosity with his mouth covered by a green cloth.
"Not my job," Overkill said. "Not my job, not my job. Mindbender's job. Mindbender's job. Definitely Mindbender's job. Definitely Mindbender's job. Judge Wapner goes on at two. Almost time for Wapner…"
"Commander I believe this proves Mindbender's point for him needing new funds for the robotics program," Destro motioned. "And if this doesn't prove it I don't know what will!"
"Definitely time for Wapner…" Overkill sputtered.
"Yeah," Cobra Commander put his hand to his helmet in a show of utter humiliation. "I'll do that. Stupid piece of metal…MINDBENDER! GET ME MINDBENDER RIGHT NOW! MINDBENER WHERE ARE YOU? YOU BUMBLING…"
"Forgive me Cobra Commander," Dr. Mindbender hurriedly walked in with the Baroness behind him. "I didn't think that General Hawk would revive so quickly."
"Well he did!" Cobra Commander snapped at him. "Do have any idea how much that stupid android of yours made me look like a fool?"
"Don't be so modest Commander. Actually you were doing quite well on your own," Hawk quipped.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked back at Mindbender. "See what I mean? All the dramatic tension is gone! I was really building up to something too."
"I'm sorry Commander," Mindbender apologized. "But there were matters I had to attend to with the Baroness. We were in conference on important strategies."
"Days of Our Lives at one!" Overkill sputtered. "Big wedding on Friday! Bo and Hope! Bo and Hope!"
"SHUT UP YOU METALLIC STOOL PIGEON!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh for crying out loud!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You two better have taped that episode or there will be hell to pay!"
"Excuse me," Hawk called out. "But is there a point to my being captured here?"
"I was getting to that when the not so dynamic duo here interrupted me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Where was I again?"
"You were going to show the General our latest weapon," Destro reminded him.
"Oh yes," Cobra Commander said. "Prepare our latest subject! And when I say subject, I mean victim!"
A hapless prisoner in a polar trooper's uniform was brought in inside a huge metallic pod with a glass front. "Bring me the Fangblade!" Cobra Commander called out.
"It's not a blade, definitely not a blade…" Overkill sputtered as he handed Cobra Commander a long gold staff with a glowing green gem on top of it.
"Well I can see that," Cobra Commander reached to take it from Overkill.
"Definitely a staff," Overkill held onto it out of reach. "Yeah definitely a staff. Not a blade."
"I know it's a staff," Cobra Commander reached for it again.
"Why call it a Fangblade? It doesn't have fangs or a blade," Overkill asked. "Definitely no fangs…"
"I THOUGHT THE NAME WAS COOL! SO GIVE IT TO ME!" Cobra Commander yanked it from Overkill's arms. One of them fell out of Overkill's socket and still held onto the staff. "All right Mindbender! You've made your point! I'll get you the stupid funding for your robotics' project!" He yanked off the arm and threw it away.
"Overkill does have a point," Mindbender thought. "Why not call it a Fangstaff?"
"I know why…" The Baroness snickered. "I overheard him in the bathroom the other day. That's what he calls his…"
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH BARONESS!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
"I did not need to know that," Hawk winced. "I did not want to know that!"
"No one wanted to know that," Destro winced.
"WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The point is, the one who controls the Fang…This thing here, controls my genetically enhanced troops!"
"Genetically enhanced?" Hawk asked. "Like what? As in adding some kind of animal DNA to your victims so that they'd be mindless unstoppable soldiers for Cobra?"
"Yeah, How'd you know?" Mindbender asked.
"So much for the element of surprise," Cobra Commander threw up his hands.
"That's diabolical and insane!" Hawk snapped.
"And apparently predictable," Destro remarked. "I told you…"
"Okay! Okay! You were right! He wasn't impressed! Are you happy?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Very," Destro smirked.
"Well you're gonna get a demonstration anyway!" Cobra Commander snapped. "To prepare you for the fate that awaits you, Hawk!"
"Which species do you wish to use?" Destro asked as he opened a briefcase filled with vials.
"Surprise me!" Cobra Commander said as he grabbed one and attached it to a small spout on the Fangblade.
"You see General," Mindbender grinned. "All life is made from DNA and my genius…"
"Yada, yada, yada…" Cobra Commander snapped. "Actions speak louder than words, Mindbender!" He used the staff to shoot a strange light at the victim. "YEAH!"
The victim was bathed in light and convulsed for a moment. Hawk watched in horror as the subject was transformed into something inhuman.
"This is not good..." Hawk gulped.
Next: The Joes make a new friend and get into a tricky situation!
