The New Zoo Review

"I'm telling you I don't know what hit me," The security guard at the National Park Zoo said. "I heard this weird noise and the next thing I knew I was out like a light. Too bad the security cameras didn't get anything."

"Not yet," Mainframe worked on the images. "I came up with this. It's a way to change the photograph by digitally enhancing the pictures. Here we go." Several strange floating objects with Cobra insignias on them were shown. "UCOs, Unidentified Creeping Objects."

"Now we know that Cobra is involved in this for sure," Duke said.

"And knowing is…" Shipwreck began.

"Shipwreck you finish that line and you have KP Duty until the millenium," Duke told him. "I've seen these things before. They were used in Cobra medical labs to take blood and DNA off their subjects."

"But why would Cobra steal animal DNA from a zoo?" Scarlet asked.

"Well the National Zoo is the largest collection of animals from around the world in the US," Mainframe said. "But why is another story."

"Hey! Something's going on!" The security guard pointed to a monitor. "It's the beaver exhibit! Those things are going wild!"

"We'd better get down there and check it out," Duke said.

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"Wait a minute!" Quicksilver interrupted. "Beavers? The movie said it was a bear going crazy!"

"Again creative writing," Roadblock told him. "Come on, which sounds more ferocious? A wild bear going on a rampage or a bunch of beavers?"

"He has a point," Avalanche agreed. "I'd go with the bear."

"Yeah it does sound a little more exciting," Blob agreed. "Actually a lot more exciting."

"You ever fight a bunch of beavers?" Roadblock asked. "Believe me, it's not exactly a piece of cake!"

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"Wow, I never saw a bunch of beavers go crazy before," Mainframe blinked as he looked inside the pen. "Those little guys are gnawing on everything in sight!"

"We've gotta do something!" The security guard said. "Those poor beavers could hurt themselves!"

"Some of them still have darts on their backs," Mainframe pointed out.

"All right," Duke sighed. "I know it's not our usual line of work, but…"

"Hold it right there soldier boy!" A thin African American in a lab coat and red glasses strode up to them. He had a high pitched nasal voice that made him sound more like Urkel than an imposing figure. "You touch my beavers and I will feed you to them piece by piece!"

"Well that brought up a disturbing image," Roadblock winced.

"And you are?" Duke asked.

"Dr. Lincoln Talbot! I'm the zoo's chief veterinarian and animal behavior specialist!" Dr. Talbot huffed. "These are my animals! And I'm not gonna let you hurt them!" He stood eye to eye with Duke. Well as much as he could since he was a good foot and a half shorter than him. "Do I make my self clear, solider boy?"

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"Now this is getting crazy," Firestar said. "I mean this guy doesn't sound anything like the vet we saw in the movie!"

"Yeah that guy was a hunk!" Brittany called out.

"Very studly," Quinn agreed. "But the guy you're describing seems like a…"

"A dud," Daria added. "Not a stud."

"Creative writing strikes again," Roadblock explained. "But those writers did get his attitude right…"

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"I am going to look after my animals, my way! Get the point!" Dr. Talbot hissed in a high tone.

"Everybody can use some back up," Duke said calmly as possible.

"You're right! Here! Hold my coat!" Dr. Talbot tried to throw his lab coat at Duke but he missed and it hit the ground. A big surprise since he was standing not even a foot away from Duke. "Wait a minute! Here! Oh Damnit!" He snapped as he missed again. "Could you just…?"

"Yeah I got it," Duke picked it up.

"Come on babies," Dr. Talbot got into the pen. "You know me. Link's not gonna let anyone hurt…YOOOOOOOUUUUU! YEOW!"

"Just when you thought his voice couldn't get any higher," Shipwreck winced. "Oh that has got to hurt."

"On the other hand maybe a little help might not be a bad idea!" Dr. Talbot screamed as the beavers started to attack his ankles and other parts of his body. "GIRLS! NO! CONTROL YOURSELVES!"

"Girls? Oh great!" Shipwreck shouted as he jumped in with Duke and Roadblock. "It figures! Just when my love life couldn't get any worse!"

"I am not going in there," Mainframe winced.

"So that's what a beaver swarm looks like," Scarlet mused from the safety of the sidelines. "Now I know. And knowing…Great, now I'm doing that stupid line!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Duke tried to kick the beaver off his leg.

"I could make a really disgusting joke right about now," Shipwreck tried to remove a beaver from his behind. "IF I WASN'T IN SUCH PAIN!"

"You always are a pain," Scarlet remarked. "Never stopped you before."

"Kids do not try this at home!" Roadblock shouted. "OW! MY LEG!"

"Wow, angry beavers," The security officer said. "Hey that would make a great kid's cartoon!"

"Shut up Ralph!" Dr. Talbot snapped. "OW! BUFFY! NO! DON'T BITE ME…YEIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Ooh! Now I know that has to hurt," Mainframe winced. "And knowing…"

"Finish that line and you will know the same pain," Scarlet snapped.

"RUN! RUN!" Dr. Talbot shouted as he and the Joes jumped out of the pen, their uniforms shredded.

"I never want to do that again…" Roadblock moaned.

"Now I remember why we don't usually do this type of work…" Duke whimpered.

"Well at least I know why they're a bit miffed." He took out a small dart. "I removed this from Mitzi's back as I was trying to remove her from my thigh."

"It looks like a tranquilizer dart," Scarlet said.

"That's not all," Dr. Talbot blinked as he took something else out. "This broken vial looks like the ones we use in order to collect blood samples. But what are these things doing in there?"

"I'm afraid I know," Duke sighed. "Dr. Talbot we need a list of all the animals that may have been targeted."

"Well that's not going to be too hard," Dr. Talbot brushed himself off. "I was already making up the list inspecting all the other cages and finding these exact same instruments. Whoever did this was very busy last night. They hit the wolves, the polar bears, the bats, both the snake and reptile areas…"

"Must have been visiting their relatives," Roadblock quipped.

"They got the lions and tigers and the bears," Dr. Talbot went off.

"Oh my," Roadblock blinked.

"The elephants, the zebras, the gorillas, the sloths…"

"Sloths?" Shipwreck asked. "Okay I can get all those other animals but why the hell would anyone want sloth DNA? Or beaver DNA? I've heard of not being picky but this is ridiculous!"

"Looks like someone is creating one serious genetic bank account," Dr. Talbot said. "But why? What would this person or person gain? It doesn't make sense. I mean I can understand the endangered species. A person could make a fortune in illegal breeding on the black market. But on the common animals as well? It just doesn't add up."

"I'm afraid it does if you knew what I knew," Duke sighed. "Come on team, we have a briefing to make."