It's A Jungle Out There

Meanwhile at a secret GI Joe base located in Brazil…

"Tunnel Rat report!" Flint ordered.

"Roger that Flint!" Tunnel Rat made a thumbs up signal as he finished painting on a strange bomb like device. "HALO is a go! And a real work of art if I do say so myself!"

"Copy that," Flint nodded from the control tower. "This is the GI Joe launch tower. We are go for launch in three…two…one…GO!"

The bomb like device was shot upwards thanks to a roller coaster like launch device. "HALO right on target," Flint spoke. "Ocean Recon One do you copy?"

Not far away off shore the Joes were waiting on their boat. Torpedo spoke. "This is Ocean Recon One! Wet Suit, Deep Six! Dial Tone get ready!"

"Oh my stomach…" Dial Tone didn't feel well and looked rather green. "Why did I eat all that chili before going out to sea?"

"Here it comes!" Torpedo shouted. "Wait for it…Wait for it…" The bomb flew fast towards a small island not far ahead and exploded above it.

"I don't think I can wait for it…" Dial Tone moaned.

Immediately the entire island was covered in whipped cream. "All right!" Torpedo cheered. "It works!"

Back at the base Beach Head looked at the screen. "Whipped Cream?" He looked at Flint. "You used the High Altitude Low Ordinance Bomb to cover an island with whipped cream?"

"Well, that's the low ordinance part," Flint shrugged. "At least this way we can win the next GI Joe food fight."

"Yeah that's much better than using it for something useful," Beach Head quipped. He, Tunnel Rat and Gung Ho were there at the base.

"Well it will be once it's perfected," Tunnel Rat told him. "One day we'll be able to use it to make it rain so there won't be any drought on earth. In about twenty years or so…Hey Gung Ho, don't you think those grenades are polished enough? I mean you really think they'll blow up better?"

"Hey you look after these bad boys and they look after you," Gung Ho grinned. He held up one. "Look I drew a smiley face on one."

"Hey neat! I'm gonna draw a horse on mine," Tunnel Rat said taking a marker.

"Will you two knock it off!" Beach Head snapped. "I know you two are bored but for crying out loud stop acting like a couple of kids!"

"We could do worse than drawing on grenades," Gung Ho said.

"Yeah we could spend time with a teddy bear named Sgt. Snuffles," Tunnel Rat mocked.

"I hate my life…" Beach Head moaned.

Meanwhile deep in the jungle, two nefarious characters and their army were preparing to attack. One was a ninja dressed completely in red and the other was dressed in red and gray. Behind them were three entire squadrons of BATS, Cobra troopers and Sand Scorpions, genetically altered soldiers with pincers.

"Dear friend Slash…" Slice grinned. He was dressed in a gray and black uniform with a helmet and goggles.

"Yes my dear friend Slice?" Slash asked. He was dressed in a red and black uniform with a black facemask that only showed his eyes.

"Do you know what time it is?" Slice asked.

"Time to…" Slash began.

"Call Cobra Commander!" They both said at the same time as they danced around. "You read my mind!"

"Oh isn't this wonderful?" Slice grinned.

"It's marvelous! Simply divine!" Slash giggled back.

"Yay!" They danced around and hugged each other. "This is going to be so much fun!"

"Oh great," One Cobra Trooper muttered. "Out of all the units we could be assigned to, we get them!"

"Could those two be any more gay?" Another shook his head.

"You should have seen their old outfits…" A third one sighed.

"Well excuse us for having a loving relationship that happens to work both on the field and in the…" Slice snapped. Immediately the Cobra Troopers started screaming.

"DON'T WANNA KNOW!" One trooper screamed.

"I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA!" Another held onto his ears. "I'M NOT LISTENING!"

"Could the two of you be any more stereotypical?" Another soldier shouted. "Hell I'm gay but even I'm getting sick watching the two of you!"

"I didn't wanna know," The first trooper moaned. "I didn't wanna know…"

"What? You have a problem with gays?" The third soldier snapped.

"Among with other groups yes," The first trooper snapped. "Hey! I'm an evil Cobra trooper! What, you're looking for Mr. Freaking Rogers here?"

"He does have a point," A fourth trooper said. "I mean let's face it, we don't exactly work for the most tolerant group in the world."

"That's not true," A fifth one said. "Cobra is an equal opportunity destroyer and enslaver of the innocent. They'll take anybody."

"Well that's pretty obvious," The first trooper said.

"You wanna piece of me?" The third trooper snapped.

"All right now knock it off!" Slice snapped. "It's clear that we need to work on our bonding as a unit. After this mission those who survive will have to take a mandatory team building exercise!"

"Oh god not the Friendship Circle again!" The third trooper moaned. He glared at the first trooper. "You just had to open up your big mouth didn't you?"

"Let's get ready to attack Darling," Slash said.

"I agree," Slice grinned. "Start up the Electron….No the Magnetic Pulse….Oh the big electricity shut off thingy!" He pointed to a large gray device.

"Darling?" One Cobra Trooper looked at another. "The big electricity shut off thingy?"

"I know. I heard it too," The other sighed. "Just get ready to blow something up. That should take your mind off of it."

"Yes, blow something up…" Another soldier muttered. "Blow it all up! I don't care if we get blown up! At least we'll be safe from them!"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"This whole thing is sounding weirder by the minute," Wavedancer said as she interrupted the story. "No wonder the Joes got their clocks cleaned during the attack! Those Cobras were driven crazy by those two!"

"Yeah these guys make Spongebob Squarepants look straight," Quicksilver remarked.

"Looks who's talking," Toad challenged. "And he is straight!"

"Is not," Quicksilver said. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Well if he was no, but since he isn't…" Toad said.

"Guys, sponges are both male and female so technically…" Arcade began.

"CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY PLEASE?" Hawk interrupted. "I don't wanna hear another 12 hour argument about this!"

"We never argued about Spongebob Squarepants for twelve hours," Xi said. "We argued whether the Flintstones were the ancestors of the Jetsons for twelve hours."

"Well if you look at the evidence, you can see they are!" Blob said.

"No, no, no!" Hawks said. "We're not going into this now! We're gonna finish this story first! And I thought the torture I was giving Cobra Commander was bad enough."

"Wait, wasn't Cobra Commander torturing you?" Xi asked.

"Well that was his plan…" Hawk grinned. "However I figured out how to use that memory download machine to my advantage."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"And this is one where Cobra Commander got stuck upon that flagpole in the Soviet Union," Hawk grinned. The image was broadcast on the screen.

"Oh yes I remember that," Destro chuckled. "That was almost as amusing as the clip you showed us of his pants falling down while retreating."

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" Cobra Commander shouted. "SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!"

"But Cobra Commander, the download…" Mindbender started to say.

"Forget the stupid download!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We already know that the main codes are in Hawk's office!"

"How did you know that?" Hawk asked.

"Because that's what I'd do," Cobra Commander said. "I mean what else would a leader put in his office besides a mini bar? It's not that hard to figure out! Speaking of which are the codes for the full venomization process ready yet? The sooner we turn Hawk here into a mindless zombie the better!"

"Technically we could do it now," Mindbender coughed. "However we kind of ran low on wolf and crocodile DNA. Actually we're out of them."

"Already?" Cobra Commander asked. "Please don't tell me your assistants were fooling around in the lab again?"

"Okay, I won't tell you," Mindbender shrugged.

"Typical," Destro sighed. He turned to his subordinates. "Take Hawk to a holding cell until we're ready!"

"Well, what are we supposed to do for the next six hours?" Cobra Commander snapped as Hawk was taken away. "Play a game of Scrabble?"

"Perhaps we should use this time instead to plan our global conquest?" Destro suggested.

"Fine," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat down at the table. "This shouldn't be so bad."

Twenty minutes later…

"Yada! Yada! Yada! Get on with it Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I am so bored!"

"As I was saying," Destro said patiently even though his audience was yawning and falling asleep. "The time given for the full venomization of my company will be…WAKE UP COBRA COMMANDER!"

"Oh god I'm bored!" Cobra Commander banged his head on the table.

"I wanna take a nap!" Mindbender yawned.

"Yes I could use some beauty sleep," The Baroness yawned.

"You could use about five years worth of…" Mindbender began.

"Finish that sentence Mind-bungler and I will personally send you to sleep six feet under!" The Baroness glared at Mindbender.

"Oh take it easy Baroness," Cobra Commander waved. "It's not his fault that Destro is so mind numbingly dull."

"You don't know the half of it," The Baroness muttered.

"Well I'm sorry it's not as exciting as blowing up satellites but things like this need to be done!" Destro said sarcastically. "As I was saying it will take three years for the full venomization process to be carried out globally."

"NO! NO! NOI! I am not waiting three years to take over the world!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not three months, not three weeks, not even three days! I won't do it!"

"Why not? You've already waited about ten or so?" The Baroness asked. Suddenly some music could be heard. "What is that?"

"Oh that's my phone," Cobra Commander picked up his personal phone. "I set the ring tone to music. It's quite fun actually."

"Is that playing 'Walking on Sunshine'?" The Baroness asked.

"I like the song! Got a problem with that?" Cobra Commander snapped. He answered the phone. "Hello? Slash! Slice! Yes it's a happy sunshiny day here too…Excellent! The HALO works? And there's only 4 Joes guarding it? Splendid! Commence Operation Land Grab!" He hung up his phone. "Three years Destro? I don't think so! When we liberate the Joes' latest device we will have the power to transport tons of venomization formula to entire cities in a matter of minutes! SO THERE!"

"I can't believe you let such an important operation go to those two queer commandos!" Mindbender sneered.

"This from a man who dates his own experiments!" Destro mocked. "Yeah, you're normal!"

"At least they're female!" Mindbender snapped. "Well most of them were."

"I don't care what they do as long as they get results!" Cobra Commander snapped. "They could have meaningful relationships with badgers for all I care!"

"At least those two aren't afraid of commitment!" The Baroness snapped. "Unlike some people I know!"

"Here we go again!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. He glared at Destro. "What did you do this time?"

"Like she needs a reason," Mindbender scoffed.

"That's it! You're dead!" The Baroness started beating up Mindbender.
"OW! OW! OW!" Mindbender screamed.

"I think I will go hide somewhere for a bit," Destro started to sneak out.

"I think I'll join you…" Cobra Commander followed.

Next: As the Joes lose a base, Cobra Commander loses more of his sanity and Snake Eyes loses his patience with an unlikely pupil. Here's a hint, it's not Kamakura and we all know and love him! Hey you were warned this was going to be weirder than the movie! A lot weirder!