I'm Not Myself Today
"WILL YOU IDIOTS STOP CHANGING THE CHANNELS ON THE RADIO?" Duke ordered as they drove in their Ice Cats towards the Cobra base. There were two Joes each in an Ice Cat and everyone was complaining about their choice in music. Off course everyone was connected with each other on the radio so they could hear everything the others were playing. And since no one liked what each other wanted to play, everyone was fighting.
"How come a smart guy like you doesn't know the difference between noise and music?" Roadblock snapped at Mainframe.
"Driver picks the station, pal!" Mainframe snapped.
"You can't even pick your nose right much less good music!" Roadblock snapped.
"Oh god it's like chaperoning a field trip full of kindergartners," Duke moaned.
"For crying out loud Frostbite roll down that window!" Dusty snapped.
"What the hell is your problem Ice Cat 3?" Duke snapped. "You're falling behind!"
"We have problems adjusting to the temperature," Dusty shivered as he was driving with Frostbite, one of the Joe Polar Troops. He had the window down and snow was blowing into the vehicle. "Namely there isn't any in here!"
"Well I'm boiling!" Frostbite snapped.
"Tough! Roll down that window!" Dusty snapped.
"Make me!" Frostbite snapped snapped.
"Cross-Country you can play that stupid country music all you like in your HAVOC but when you're in my vehicle we play what I want!" Snow Job shouted.
"Country Music!" Cross-Country screamed.
"Madonna!" Mainframe shouted.
"Classical music!" Roadblock shouted.
"I like Boy George and Culture Club!" Snow Job shouted.
"You would!" Dusty snapped. "Frostbite roll down the freaking window!"
"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!" Duke shouted. "NO MORE MUSIC PERIOD! WHAT IS THIS NURSERY SCHOOL?"
"He started it!" Mainframe whined.
"Just shut up and…" Duke snapped. Then he saw something. "What the…?"
Several strange vehicles broke through the ice. "We're surrounded!" Dusty shouted. "Where did they come from?"
"This is just a guess, but maybe the big castle up ahead?" Snow Job pointed to a huge ice fortress in front of them. "Unless this is Santa's summer home I think this is the place!"
Meanwhile inside the base…
"The Joes have found us!" The Baroness shouted.
"Gee what a surprise," Destro mocked. "I advise we abandon this facility. And the next time we have a base we blow up the tracking satellites before they find us and send our coordinates to the Joes!"
"No one's going anywhere," Cobra Commander said. "I've just sent out the Snow Wolves! This should be a real howl!"
"You seriously need a new scriptwriter," Destro moaned.
"Oh just shut up and watch the show!" Cobra Commander snapped as he pointed to the monitor.
Back outside the Joes were just beginning to encounter the strange vehicles. "Heads up! Get ready for anything!" Duke warned.
"Well I'm getting ready for a serious case of pneumonia! My lungs are starting to freeze here!" Dusty snapped.
"Keep your long johns on," Frostbite waved. "A little fresh air never hurt nobody."
That's when something reached in and grabbed Frostbite through the window. It was wearing a Cobra Polar troop uniform but it had a wolf's snout. "AAAAHHH!" Frostbite screamed as he tried to remove the creature from him.
Dusty used his gun to bash it in the snout and it fell off Frostbite. "Now will you shut the blasted window?" He shouted.
"What the hell are those?" Roadblock shouted as the creatures ran on all fours towards them. "We're at top speed and they're still catching up to us!"
"Mainframe! Roadblock! Keep those… whatever they are off our tail!" Duke ordered. "We're going in!" They headed straight towards the Cobra base. "Jinx! Snake Eyes! Bazooka! We do this fast and clean! Ten minutes!"
Meanwhile inside the base…
"Look at 'em go! Come on tear 'em to pieces!" Cobra Commander jumped up and down.
"Sir maybe we should prepare General Hawk for the procedure, just in case?" Destro asked.
"Already done," Overkill warbled. "I've prepared Hawk. Like I do everything else on this base. No problem. Wapner's not on for another five hours."
"I really gotta fix that thing," Mindbender grumbled.
Hawk was in a chamber. "Mindbender!" Cobra Commander ordered. "We're going to put in the venomization formula!"
"Which one?" Mindbender asked. "The Wolves? The Python? Ooh! Killer Shark that's a good one!"
"All of them!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"But I've never put so many different DNA into one subject before!" Mindbender gasped. "He might become too powerful even for the Fangblade. If he survives…"
"Well the chances of that happening are pretty slim," Cobra Commander huffed. "Now stop whining and…"
BOOM!
Duke and the other Joes burst in with guns blazing. "Okay how do you people do this?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Every time I think you've been knocked down, you get up! It's very annoying!"
"GET THE GENERAL!" Duke shouted as he blasted apart a BAT.
"Oh no you don't!" Cobra Commander grabbed the venomization vials and prepared the Fangblade. "Now all I have to do is…"
Suddenly Bazooka blasted his weapon right at Cobra Commander. "AAHHH!" Cobra Commander ducked and accidentally set off the Fangblade. It hit Hawk's stasis pod. "Oh that was lucky."
"Hawk!" Duke screamed. "He's… Being covered in a bunch of green dust?"
Everyone stopped fighting long enough to see that nothing was happening. "Hey! Nothing's happening!" Cobra Commander screamed. "What a gyp!"
"I told you I never tried it before!" Mindbender snapped.
"All right! Let's get Hawk and…" Duke began when he was grabbed from behind. Several huge Cobra Troops had grabbed the Joes from behind holding them captive.
"Amazing what a little python DNA injected into some unsuspecting civilians will do," Cobra Commander grinned.
"Civilians? Is that what you've been doing to the people you've kidnapped?" Jinx struggled.
"Give the lady a prize!" Cobra Commander grinned. "With our venomization process Cobra can create armies all over the world! As soon as we get all the bugs out!"
"BZZZT! Time for Wheel of Fortune…" Overkill stumbled around sparking.
"Speaking of which…"Mindbender grumbled. "Overkill! Must have gotten hit with a stray bullet or something. I swear if it isn't one thing it's…"
"WHEEL OF FORTUNE! BZZZT!" Overkill got a little too close to Hawk's chamber and short-circuited. The electricity it emitted energized Hawk's chamber.
"AGGGHH!" Hawk screamed in agony. His uniform started to bulge and tear as his body began to change.
"Whoops," Cobra Commander gulped. "What's going on?"
"Apparently Hawk's chamber is being magnetized due to Overkill overloading," Destro said. "A super charged magnetic conduction field is increasing the power of the Fangblade."
"Come again?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Electricity plus DNA altering gas equals new super soldier," Destro told him.
"Oh is that all?" Cobra Commander said. "I knew that."
"AAHHHHHH!" Hawk screamed as he was transformed into a huge being with light purple skin, rippling muscles, sharp claws and long brown hair. He burst out of the chamber with his bare chest showing off his rippling muscles.
"So that's all you have to do to increase the venomization to its highest level," Mindbender stroked his chin. "Now we know. And knowing is…"
"HEY! THAT'S OUR LINE!" Bazooka snapped.
"Meet Cobra's newest general, Venomous Maximus!" Cobra Commander cackled.
"Venomous Maximus?" Destro winced. "Okay first thing in the morning I am calling an agency. You definitely need a new writer!"
"Hawk! Is that you?" Duke shouted.
"Yo! What the hell is dis?" The new creature said. "A freakin' museum? Whoa…Look at me…I got some pretty good pecs here."
"Uh…Why does he sound like Rocky?" Destro asked.
"Hawk is that you in there?" Duke cried out.
"No it's freaking Boy George," Venomous Maximus snapped. "Hey! What's a guy gotta do here to get a drink or something?"
"Whoa…" The Baroness blinked. "He's magnificent!"
"You ain't too bad yourself, Bright Eyes," Venomous Maximus gave her a cocky grin. He strutted up to her. "You're real easy on the eyes, bada bing!"
"Oh well thank you," The Baroness giggled. She placed a hand on his bare chest. "My you have such…lovely muscles."
"You like what you see?" Venomous Maximus flexed for her.
"Oh yeah…" The Baroness giggled like a drunken schoolgirl. "You're such a magnificent specimen Venomous Maximus."
"Hey why so formal? Call me Max!" He grinned.
"What the hell is wrong with him?" Destro asked.
"It must be a side effect of the venomization process," Mindbender said.
"No kidding!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Hey! You! Maximus! Remember me? Your lord and master here!"
"Hey yo! Cool it!" Maximus snapped. "I'm busy here! So uh Baroness right? You doin' anything tonight?"
"Yes she is!" Destro stormed over to them. "The lady is with me!"
"That is debatable!" The Baroness snapped. She cooed at Maximus. "What did you have in mind?"
"What the hell are you doing?" Destro snapped.
"Well since you're not interested in any commitments," The Baroness glared at him. "Perhaps we should start seeing other people!"
"WHAT?" Destro shouted.
"So uh, what time you want me to pick you up?" Maximus asked.
"Ex-cuse me!" Cobra Commander screamed. "Hello! Can we get back to the topic at hand here?"
"What is your problem?" Maximus snapped at Cobra Commander.
"They're my problem!" Cobra Commander pointed to the Joes held captive. "I want them eliminated!"
"Is that all?" Maximus looked at him. "No problem! Yo! You guys! Let 'em go! This is gonna be fun. I could use a workout."
"This is not good…" Jinx gulped as Maximus strode over to them with a very big grin on his face.
