Maximus Mayhem
"Let me see if I get this straight," Wavedancer said. "You turned into a cross between Rocky, Barney and Andrew Dice Clay? Talk about monsters…"
"I couldn't stop myself!" Hawk told her. "It was like I was trapped in a room and I could barely see what was going on though a fogged up window."
"So you ended up fighting Duke and the others and beating them huh?" Avalanche asked.
"Yeah and that was only the tip of the iceberg…" Hawk sighed.
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"Hawk!" Duke pleaded as Maximus advanced on the Joes. "It's us! Don't do this!"
"Hawk ain't in right now," Maximus told him. "Venomous Maximus is in the house! Leave a message and I'll make sure he gets it!"
"He's not listening!" Bazooka said. "What do we do?"
"Well fighting for our lives is a good idea!" Duke said as he dodged a vicious swing by Maximus. Maximus managed to grab Bazooka. "Bazooka!"
Duke tried to help Bazooka but Maximus kicked him and sent him sprawling. Then he threw Bazooka into a wall. "Ow…That hurts…" Bazooka muttered before he passed out.
"That's it! Get them! Get them!" Cobra Commander jumped with glee as Maximus threw Jinx and Snake Eyes aside. "Bring victory to Cobra!"
"This victory is for me!" Maximus snapped. "Give it up Duke! You're as weak as a guest's monologue on Saturday Night Live!"
"Never!" Duke got in a few good punches but was grabbed by Maximus.
"See what I mean?" Maximus growled. "Your forces will have no chance against my venomized troops!"
"His venomized troops?" Cobra Commander barked. Mindbender looked very nervous.
"Duke! Come in Duke!" Roadblock called in on his communicator. "We took care of the creeps but we kind of got another problem."
Dusty looked at the huge body of water that now separated the Joes from the Cobra base. "Way to go genius! Yeah melting the ice took care of the critters, but now we have no way to get to the base!"
"Sorry," Mainframe winced. "I told you computers are more my thing."
"Good!" Duke shouted. "Hawk's been transformed into some kind of monster! You have to retreat! That's an order!"
"But Duke…" Roadblock shouted.
"Now!" Duke shouted as Maximus grabbed him. "GO!"
Maximus threw Duke against and electrified panel, which knocked him out. "Well that was disappointing," The Baroness giggled. "I blinked and missed the floor show!"
"Let me dispose of Duke! Free of charge!" Destro grabbed Duke and looked very happy to do so.
"No," Maximus took Duke from him. "This one is mine!" He leaned closer to Destro. "And so's your girlfriend!"
"WHAT?" Destro snarled. "There's no way you are taking her!"
"Forget the Baroness!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Duke is mine for me to deal with as I see fit! Got it General?"
"Very well," Maximus growled. "For now."
"Uhh…" Jinx moaned. Snake Eyes got up as well. "Duke!"
"Jinx…Snake Eyes…" Duke moaned. "Get out of here!"
Snake Eyes grabbed Jinx and leapt out of the way of Maximus. Snake Eyes shoved her through an open-air vent and they escaped. "Get them! They're getting away!"
"They won't get far," The Baroness reported. "The Joes are retreating. And we now have a very nice moat around the base."
"Send some Snow Wolves to track them down," Maximus ordered. "Now, I need a drink!"
"Right this way," The Baroness latched onto his arm and showed him out of the command center.
"Did you see that?" Destro fumed. "Why that overgrown…"
"Never mind that," Cobra Commander waved. "Okay he has an attitude problem but at least he gets results!" He pointed to Duke and Bazooka. "And with him under my control nothing will stop us!"
"Yes but for how long will he remain under our control is another story," Destro folded his arms.
Meanwhile Jinx and Snake Eyes made their way along the vents. "I can't believe we just left Duke like that!"
Snake Eyes made some motions with his hands. "You're right," Jinx sighed. "There was no way we could beat that…Thing. Come on, maybe we can sneak around this place and rescue Bazooka and Duke." The two ninjas disappeared into the darkness of the base.
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"Wait, in the movie they said Jinx and Snake Eyes escaped and left Duke behind," Avalanche said.
"Another piece of creative writing," Roadblock said. "They didn't want anyone to know what they really saw!"
"What? What happened?" Wavedancer asked. "What did they see?"
"Do we really have to tell them this?" Hawk moaned.
"Do you want us to tell them?" Trinity grinned in unison.
"Oh god…" Hawk moaned.
"Well…" Roadblock winced. "It wasn't pretty."
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"And these will be your quarters," The Baroness escorted Maximus to a large room. "There's your uniform over there. And your closet. Your radio. And your bed…"
"Good," Maximus swept the Baroness off her feet.
"Wait a minute! Put me down!" The Baroness snapped.
"All right!" Maximus grinned and he dropped her on the bed.
"Now hold on here!" The Baroness snapped. "Just because you have rippling muscles and a powerful animal magnetism and…and broad shoulders and…Well just because you have all that doesn't mean I'm gonna just jump into bed with you. I am in a relationship! A rather one-sided relationship. A relationship where I give and give and give but does he reciprocate? No! He takes me for granted! Like I'm going to be right there waiting for him no matter how long it takes! I mean really! Do you have any idea what that man has put me through? All the stupid…What are you doing?"
Maximus turned on the radio. It started to play romantic music. "Just setting the mood babe."
"Okay now listen up pal! Even though I may be tempted to…To…You know? Give me one good reason why I should…" The Baroness began just before Maximus removed his pants. She stopped and stared. "Okay that's a very good reason….Can't really argue with that."
Meanwhile Snake Eyes and Jinx were crawling around in the air vents. "What's that noise?" Jinx whispered. "Is that Marvin Gaye? Looks like there's a room over there."
They crawled to the sound and looked in the vent. "Maximus!" Jinx hissed. "And…The Baroness?"
"Oh my! Oh my!" The Baroness squealed.
"Please tell me they're fighting…" Jinx winced. Snake Eyes shook his head no.
"Oh Maxy!" The Baroness giggled. "Take me you wild mad beast!"
"Oh god I am going to be violently ill…" Jinx moaned as she and Snake Eyes crawled away.
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"YOU DID WHAT?" All the Misfits shouted at the same time.
"Don't make me say it again…" Hawk moaned.
"You got it on with the Baroness?" Scarlet Witch shouted. "Ewwwww!"
"THAT WAS MAXIMUS! NOT ME!" Hawk shouted.
"Still…" Quicksilver winced. "Ewwwwwwwwww!"
"I know, I know…" Hawk moaned. "I still have nightmares about that!"
"No wonder you didn't want anyone to know!" Avalanche groaned.
"I'll bet Destro wasn't too happy about that!" Toad said.
"No…He wasn't," Hawk sighed.
Hey I told you I was going to trash this! Sorry for any psychological scarrings! See the madness that happens next!
