AN - Thanks for the support, I'm glad people like this :-D  This is turning out to be such an easy thing for me to write!

Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

                Ron and I haven't spoken in 36 hours.  Until about twenty minutes ago.  Perhaps I should've mentioned that our super long passionate snog was on a Friday.  After dinner.  Perfect time, right?  I suppose I should date my entries...  We'll see if I can remember.

                Okay, back to the topic on hand.  It's now Sunday morning.  About a day and a half since Ron and I snogged.  I can still feel my knees buckling as our lips met, devouring each other...  haha I sound like a romance novel.  *chuckle*  But my knees did buckle...  In that one moment I let down all my defenses and all I could think about was Ron Ron Ron.  *sigh*

                But I've been avoiding him.  It's clear he wants to talk to me.  Anytime he comes into the library and see me, I manage to elude him and escape the library while he's still searching the stacks.  At meals, I'll finish eating when he sits down and leave.  Thank god he's Keeper now, because if he wasn't, how would I avoid him at yesterday's Quidditch game? 

                After the Quidditch game I went to the library.  He almost caught me there, but I managed to avoid him and I ran to Hagrid's house.  I caught Hagrid just as he was going back into his hut.

Hagrid: 'Ello 'Ermione.  *I always liked how Hagrid doesn't say the H a lot.*

Me:  Hi Hagrid *Crying!*

Hagrid:  Why, what's got you all upset?

Me:  Oh, nothing...  It's just...nothing, Hagrid

H: Now come on, I know my Hermione and I know you don't cry about nothing.  Was it that snake Malfoy?  Did he say something?  Rotten little bugger...

Me: *soft laugh* Well, sort of.  He's how it all started... but it's not Malfoy.  It's Ron!  He told me he's in love with me, and I told him nothing could ever happen between us, but now...

H: Oh, I see...

Me: Now I don't know anymore!  Malfoy was trying to start trouble Friday, and Ron defended me, and I was so moved...I-I... I snogged him like crazy, Hagrid!  I don't know what came over me!  It was such a wonderful kiss, but I... I don't know what I'm doing Hagrid!  I can't stand it!  I don't know how I feel about Ron!  I can't look at him but when I think about that kiss...  It's just all so confusing!  I wish none of this had happened!

*At this point Hagrid hugs me and I cry on his shirt*

H:  Hermione,  I don't have a lot of experience in this issue, but I can tell you one thing.  That kiss wasn't just a kiss.  If it's got you all confused, maybe you were wrong about nothing happening between you an' Ron.  I've seen the way he looks at you, and it's serious.  Don't you worry... if he truly loves you, he wants you to be happy even if it's not with him.  That's real love.

Me:  Thanks Hagrid.

*He wipes my tears.*

H: Why don't you go get some rest, you look exhausted from all this cryin'.

Me:  I think I'll do that, Hagrid.  *BIG HUG*  Thank you...

***

So that was my visit with Hagrid, pretty much.  I love Hagrid, he's like a big brother, or an uncle, or some benevolent male family figure, you know what I mean, Diary?

                I moseyed on up to Gryffindor Tower, and when I went through the portrait hole I was not expecting Ron to be waiting for me.  I heard him call my name as I headed for the stairs to the girls' rooms.  I was almost there when he stopped me, blocking my way.

Ron:  Hermione, please, talk to me.  We need to talk!

Me:  No, Ron, I need some rest...

Ron:  Please, Hermione, this is important!  We kissed...and it meant something.  You can't deny that you felt something...tremendous when we kissed!

Me:  No, I can't.  But I can ignore it.

Ron:  Why are you being like this?  There is something there, you can't deny you have some feelings for me!

Me:  No, I can't.  But I don't know what those feelings are, Ron.  Maybe there is something there, but I need to find it first...

Ron:  Why don't you just know?  Like I know I love you!

Me:  Because it's just not that easy Ron! *Yelling*

Ron:  Why not? *Whispering*

Me:  I don't know, Ron, I just don't know.

***

This is where I shoved him out of my way and headed for my room.  I've been lying down on my bed for about twenty minutes, and now I'm writing in here.

                I can't stand feeling like this.  I don't know what to do.  I mean, I love Ron.  I've come to that conclusion already.  But what does that mean?  We've been best friends for six years now, and we're in the beginning of our seventh year already.  If I get involved with Ron, what's to say I get too attached?  Something could happen, and I might have to decide between him and my future.  I couldn't do that!  "If he truly loves you, he wants you to be happy even if it's not with him."  Isn't that what Hagrid said? 

                Maybe he doesn't truly love me.  He thinks he does.  That's it!  I mean, if he did really love me he wouldn't be so persistent in the Common Room!  *sigh*  No, I can't fool myself with that.  Ron once told me last year that he was always sure about his feelings.  When he knew he liked someone, he would only admit it because he was sure.  "No regrets, even in the realm of love, 'Mione.  That's the way to live.  Can't hold back your heart,"  Ron had said.

                Why couldn't I live like that?  Now, I have no clue what to do...

                I've never felt like this before.  I've always been so confident, so sure of what to do with my life.

                I've never been so confused...or so scared...

xoxox

Hermione

Oct. 2, 1997