It tears my heart apart when I think about what took place next in the world of Link, Navi, and the other people he would meet on his quest. It involved a half-drunken, ghastly pale Hylian boy, a cranky fairy, a wise kind old talking tree, and a whole lot of man-eating spiders…

This wise tree was called the Deku. Please, do not ask me what Deku means, for I could not give you answer, and I don't like being asked questions that I can not reply to in an intelligent manner.

The Deku was in a grave state, one so grave that no true potion could cure it. It was coughing, and snorting, and wheezing, and all the other impolite and ill-mannered things that it could have done…some Kokirians said it was old age; some said otherwise. But, as Link soon discovered, the Deku was stuffed with something other than it's sinuses.

Link and Navi slowly approached the once-handsome, now-sickly-looking Deku Tree, afraid to disturb him. Link still carried the cheap plastic and wooden sword Saria had given him, and it was hoping that the Deku had a better sword that he could trade it in for.

I must tell you now, the Deku never gives Link another sword, and neither does anyone else, and it stands that way until the end of time. And so the story goes on…

"Griffino," hissed Navi, which probably translated to English as "Go ahead. Go say something to him."

Link cleared his throat, and then approached the Deku, with his chest puffed out and his head cocked upward—he was always known by the other guys as being a "snot" when he wasn't drunk. He grinned an idiotically arrogant grin, and then spoke:

"Dear Wise Old Deku, Master of all that is in this Forest, I come today…"

"Indeed," the Wise Deku coughed out, "Cut the crap."

I am not tampering with the historical events. The Deku honestly spoke those words; I kid you not. Now, of course, Link knew not of what this 'crap' word meant, if their was even a 'crap' in the Hylian dictionary… But the tone in which the Deku spoke those words allowed Link to realize that he was not a favorite of the Wise Old Tree's.

"You are here for a sword, are you not?" asked the Deku, spitting saliva in all directions.

"Gafiro!" shouted Navi, which I am almost certain meant "Geez, my good fellow! Do you need a tissue or something?!"

However, to side with the Deku, I do not believe that they make tissues that large. Sorry, Navi.

Link noticed something inside the Deku's mouth. He, being the curious boy that he was, decided to check out just what the object was; Navi flew closely behind him. The Deku opened his mouth wider, in hopes that Link may be able to help him rid himself of whatever was causing these terrible irritations the Deku was facing at the moment. Link and Navi just stepped through the mouth of the Wise Old Tree, when suddenly, they couldn't move. Link squirmed from side to side, but he was stuck on air. It's like a barrier had stopped the two, and clung onto them as prey. Navi shrieked, and Link looked up towards the top of the inside of the tree.

And what he saw, I have seen as well, and I hope that never you, dear reader, catch in your sight this dreadfully horrifying view. Spiders…millions of them. The smallest spider was two feet tall. Everywhere; crawling down the walls, hanging from ledges, sitting on their catch-nets.

Note, fair reader, that before the word 'web' was invented, a spider lived on a 'catch-net', as it was referred to. Same thing, different name. Now back to Link and Navi…

The two looked all around them. Spiders were coming from everywhere to see what new prey had fallen into their trap. Link soon realized that he had lead himself into a catch-net, and thus, caused this terrible event to take place.

Now, please, I have heard other versions of this tale, as I'm sure you have as well. Almost all of the stories speak of Link and his brave dash into the infested Deku tree, where he fought off villains, and eventually eliminated a large queen spider. Well, I am here to inform you now: that is all false, as you will soon see. In fact, there was not a queen spider to begin with. And trust me, Link did everything but face the dreadful villains.

Link brought his plastic sword upward, barely managing to cut himself free before the spiders reached them. As he backed out of the catch-net, the Deku closed his mouth. Navi wasn't so lucky. The poor fairy was soon man-eating spider food.

Now, you may be asking me, how could Navi die? He's with Link all through his childhood, and them some. But, my wonderful audience, that also is incredibly wrong. That was only a myth, as was the Link fighting off thousands of villains inside the dying Deku tree. Navi was gone, and that was that.

Link then realized that going back into the Deku was pointless, and so, he left the Wise Old Tree to die a slow and agonizing death. That's when Link realized he didn't have a shield. Instead of buying one from the Kokiri Shop, he did the worst thing you could possibly do to a tree: he ripped off a large piece of bark from the side of the Deku's face.

If you are reading this and you are a maple, oak, or evergreen tree, I sincerely apologize. It was not my intent to offend any of you. I am merely telling the story of this dreaded 'hero', as some call him.

Link was indeed a terrible little boy, and I do hope that he eventually was killed, for it would do the world a lot of good.

Until the next chapter…

FEONICKS OUTREACH