A/N: Yay, I'm picking up reviews as I go along. I'm very happy about that. I know that original character works don't get as many reviews, but I like to create my own characters of the X-men. Mostly because I love to dictate the interaction and reaction to a new person rather than just doing another fic with the same old characters. I love all the characters--though some I like more than others--but getting inside of their heads takes a lot of energy. Creating my own character allows me to play with them more. Anyway, enough with my rambling. I'll answer a few reviews, then get happily to chapter 5. Enjoy!
psycho88: I hope you like this chapter. More about Parker will be revealed slowly in the following chapters, so don't worry. Thanks a lot for the support!
Idypebsaby: You'll see what happens with her and Rogue in this chapter--but don't expect backlash between them for another few chapters. There is some more tidbits thrown in here about her past, but the entire story won't be revealed until a later chapter. Again I answer with a maybe as to her brother, suspense, you understand. More about her dreams next chapter! Thanks for the support!
Ashe Nightingale: I thank you very VERY much for your support. I'm really happy that I have a small fanbase for this story. It was bugging me for a while, and with Parker in your head, it's not easy to get work done. But this story, I love very much. I guess the reason why I think it's so good is because I care about it that much. I really hope you will enjoy the rest of it! And as for original works, I'm really happy that I have one backer--I hope to get published one of these days.
Red Jeanie: I'm very glad that you like my story. You'll see what happens to him in later chapters, but don't worry! It'll be a good and fitting end!
Agent-G: I mentioned before that I purposely used the names Peter, Parker, and Watson because I am a very large Spiderman fan, and I thought it would be funny. Thanks for reading the story though!
Seeking Solace
Chapter 5
Dear Mom:
Another week has passed and I haven't written to you, have I? Sure, a few miniscule chit-chat entries that I wrote to occupy myself at three in the morning or some random sketches that I drew. Rogue caught me drawing once--she likes my sketches.
I remember that you used to encourage my art. You said I had talent. I draw mostly because I have nothing else to do. I draw when I see something that I like. You know, I've made a kind of observation. I went into an art class at the high school, and I see that a lot of the students are focused on the perfection of their work. For me, it's the flaws that make things special. The flaws are what I love.
I'm digressing again, aren't I?
Yes, I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I've been rather afraid to. I can't lie to you Mom. If I wanted to, I could walk right up to anyone in this Institute and lie to them all so convincingly that they'd believe me in an instant, but as you know, I hate to lie. DeVero told me once that I was a gifted liar and that was probably why I hated doing it so much. But as gifted as I am, you could always tell when I was being honest or not. You could feel that I was unhappy when I lied, and even without your power, you could just tell. Maybe it's not a mutant thing--maybe it's just a mother thing.
I've been scared to write to you because I have to tell you the truth, the truth about everything that has happened this week. Some of it was actually kind of funny, actually pretty fun, and other parts of it make my chest ache.
I'm a selfish person, Mom. You'd tell me to hush up if you were here, but the truth is the truth and I'm a selfish girl. I'm selfish because as much as I want to do what's best, I can't seem to push Rogue away. After what I did to Kurt, I'm scared and selfish and I can't bare to part with my only friend in this world.
Even if it will hurt us both a greater deal when I leave, I need her. If I didn't have her, Mom, if I didn't have one person, I know I would go crazy. All the guilt and all the fear and all the worry weighs me down and it's only when I'm around Rogue that it lifts enough that I can breathe.
It was like that when I was with Kurt too.
It hurts, Mom, much more than I wanted it to. I hate myself for what I did to him, for how I hurt him. But what else could I do? If I let him in, then it would only hurt worse. And I don't want to hurt him--my whole purpose for doing all this in the first place.
I only knew him for two weeks, and it hurts this bad. I can't really count this week, considering I haven't spoken to him since that night. He hasn't spoken to me either. I guess that he never told anyone about our midnight snack rendezvous. I never did either, not that I was hiding anything, but that I liked to keep that little part of him to myself. He was...a companionable person, one that you just couldn't help laughing at and with. Despite the fact that he's a boy, despite the fact that he's a mutant, despite every fault in his person, I was just so...enchanted by him.
I've never been in love. I doubt I ever will be either, considering my unease with the opposite sex. I don't remember ever being attracted to anyone either--this doesn't include pretty boy actors and musicians, I am only human after all. What I mean is, I've never genuinely wanted to be around a boy before--in a non-sister way. I was always surrounded by men, but I never cared for any of them. I don't know how or when or why, but after I left the kitchen that night, after telling Kurt to forget me, I understood the reason why I went to the kitchen every night.
I genuinely wanted to be around him. I wanted to hear the sound of his voice and see his pale eyes and listen to the sound of his tail hitting the counter. Maybe I liked him--but I only knew him for two weeks, so how could I really like him? We never really talked during the day, except for when the group was together in the Danger room or at the table or something. I never liked anyone before, so I can't know if the feeling in the pit of my stomach was because of guilt, or because of affection. I would talk to Rogue, but denial is her bedfellow.
I figure this much, Mom. I'll help Rogue before I go. Even if I did somehow manage to end up liking Kurt, I'll be gone in three weeks. Once I'm gone, I can put him in a safe little memory place where I can treasure him for years to come, and not worry about running into him when I'm going down the hall toward the stairs. I won't have to worry about awkward pauses when he arrives in the kitchen and I'm still there. I'll be gone and it won't matter anymore. But I will help Rogue, because I want her to be happy when I'm gone.
She has given me so much happiness in my stay by giving me her friendship, the least I can do it return some of it. I go out of my way to make her laugh, but maybe I can do something more. Maybe something that involves a very attractive mutant who has the habit of loitering on school grounds.
You're asked what I have in mind? You're asking what I mean by what I'm saying? Oh, Mom, I'll have to go back and start from the beginning! Well, if you insist...
I wouldn't let it get to me, the fact that I felt like scum. I just went on like normal, like nothing happened the night before, like I hadn't just hurt someone, and myself in the process.
Instead of giving in to the urge to dissolve into a puddle in a corner if my room, I hid myself in the library and read until breakfast. After that, I changed, and went downstairs. Upon entering the kitchen, my eyes couldn't help but be attracted to a certain blue individual. Kurt was sitting at the table, laughing with Evan about something or other. When he looked up and saw me, he just looked away and went back to his conversation.
I can't begin to explain how much that hurt me. And not in that 'I just got dumped' kind of way. More like that 'I expected you to be a better person than me' kind of way. I guess I shouldn't complain.
Rogue joined me a few minutes later, looking kind of worried at me. I guess I looked a little sadder than usual, but I shook it off enough to smile at her.
"I'm not really hungry this morning," I said to her. "Want to get to school early?"
"Why would Ah wanna go ta school early?" she asked me, a hand on her hip. Rogue was done up as usual, her Goth gear perfectly in place, but she looked different for some reason that morning. It took me a moment to realize that she had gone natural that day. There was no makeup to be found on her face, and frankly, she'd never looked prettier.
"What's with the lack of enhancement?" I asked her as we walked out toward my bike.
"Ah ran outta my lipstick," she commented. "Gotta stop by the store on the way home. You mind?"
"Not at all," I said, but then flashed her a smile. "I think you look better without it anyway."
"Lookin' good isn't my numba one priority," she told me, pulling my helmet over her head as I started up the bike. "It's to keep people from lookin' at me."
"So you wear makeup that's supposed to make your prettier to make you less noticeable?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. This reasoning made no sense to me, but hey, she was Rogue. A figment of mystery. An enigma. And that was just fine with her.
"When ya look the same everyday," she enlightened me. "No one gives ya a second look."
"Well, you'll be turning heads today," I laughed and we were off like a shot. I heard Rogue grumble something, but the wind caught it before I could. Still, I laughed as if I'd heard her.
It was Friday after all, so I was allowed to be in a good mood--even if the school day was still to come. It meant nearly-weekend, the time of the week that was the epitome of freedom in all teen-dom, so I had been informed. For me, any day of the week was really the same. Some had more rules, some had less, but the sun still rose and set on all of them.
When we got to school, I parked in the same space I had been using since the first day, and we padded off toward classes, backpacks in hand. Though, I did happily notice that a certain Tree-boy was once more at his place, leaning against the large leafy tree near the entrance path, smoking on his cigarettes. I looked toward Rogue with a smile.
She glared at me. "What are ya lookin' at me for?" she grumbled.
"Why don't you talk to him?" I asked. "He's always waiting there when we get here. What's a little polite conversation?"
"There ain't nothing polite about 'im," she said firmly. Rogue held her chin high as she walked by, utterly ignoring his presence. I, on the other hand, waved to him with a smile. He grinned and gave me a kind of mock salute with the hand still holding his lit cigarette.
"I think he's perfectly charming," I informed her.
Rogue sighed. "Oh, ya poor girl! Ya've fallen under the Cajun spell."
I grinned and laughed. "Well," I said with a hand to my heart, mocking her accent again. "If lovin' 'im is wrong, Ah don't wanna be right!"
Rogue shoved me toward the stairs with her gloved hands. "Don't go 'Gone with the Wind' on me!"
"With God as my witness!" I laughed. Rogue only rolled her eyes, then laughed with me.
Classes were classes. I always do my homework--not out of a desire to be a 'good girl'--only because I have so much free time, there really is nothing else for me to do. I've been getting fairly decent grades too, which gives me a happy in the best way. The only trouble came at lunch.
Everyone was at the table, including the one person I did not want to see at that moment. He was sitting in the center of the bench, the life of the conversation, as always. Luckily, I was able to slink away before anyone saw me. I just hung by the door out into the quad and when Rogue appeared, I grabbed her arm.
"Let's eat lunch away from the crowd today," I told her.
"Why?" she asked, giving me and appraising stare.
"I don't feel like being around everyone right now," I said with a shrug. She accepted that as an answer, so she led me toward her favorite spot on the grounds. On the far side of the lunch quad, there was a rise along the wall, a ledge about eight feet high. Together, Rogue and I perched on the edge and ate our lunches away from the others.
"Nice view, eh?" she asked me with a smile.
"Very nice," I nodded. "You can see everyone from up here."
"Ah know." Rogue looked around to make sure no one could hear us--which of course no one could since we were the only one's on the wall, and those on the ground we're giving us a second look. "Ah like to come up here and just watch the others."
"Why not be part of them?" I countered.
"You'd be surprised what ya can find out when yer bein' ignored," she told me, a mirror of my own feelings.
I grinned at her, then looked at all the other students in the quad. "So tell me Rogue," I said in my most formal of voices. "What do you know about who?"
"Well," she said in a business-like tone. "Ya see that table, over yonder?" I looked to wear she was pointing. "That's the Brotherhood table."
"Those are the guys Scott's always yammering about?!" Call me crazy, but I found it hard to believe that such a group of misfits could make the calm/collected Scott so...flustered. Yes! Flustered! Like a chicken with his head cut off!
"Uh-huh," she confirmed. "Ah used to be one of 'em too."
I looked over at her. Rogue looked back, something sparkling in her green eyes. "You were?" I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "You...were an enemy?"
Rogue nodded slowly. "Ah was confused and Ah had no place else ta go. Then I decided that Ah didn't want to be that way, so here Ah am. Better off, if not a little more straight-laced."
I nodded, suddenly thoughtful. Could that be why Rogue and I clicked so well? Because she was a bad guy once too? Is that the reason why I feel comfortable with her? A lot of doubts and fears rose in me, and I had to work very hard to push them down. So as not to make Rogue suspicious, I kept my eyes trained on the Brotherhood table.
Sitting on the table itself was a small boy with blondish hair and pale skin that looked...almost green-tinged. He looked like he was deeply in conversation with a behemoth sized boy who took up an entire bench by himself. Across from him sat a girl with crazy blonde hair and a loud laugh. Next to her was a tall-ish guy with medium brown hair and a less-than-amused expression. He was also tossing a few glances toward the X-Men table when not talking to the blonde girl.
"Ok, so who is who?" I asked Rogue. "Scott rambles on about 'Toad' this and 'Avalanche' that, but I've never seen them."
Rogue chuckled slightly. "Scott has the tendency ta...overreact. The one on the table, that's Todd. He likes ta call himself 'Toad' cuz of his frog-ness, or somethin'. He's got a super-long tongue and a tendency ta eat...weird stuff."
I cocked my head to one side, hand straying to my side bag. I found the zipper, and hanging on the zipper was my rabbit's foot. Not lucky, jut a regular rabbits foot that I rubbed now because I was suddenly both intrigued and nervous. Learning too much, getting too close...Have to add some distance, not wanting to.
"The big fella on the bench, that's Fred, otherwise known as Blob." She paused, looking over at me. "Don't make me explain about 'is powers, ok?"
I grinned. "I have a pretty good imagination, just continue."
"Well, that girl there, that's Tabby. She calls herself Boom-Boom, cuz she makes these little balls that explode 'n stuff. She used ta be an X-Man, but she got a little tweaked ova the rules." I nodded, getting a better look at Tabby. She looked normal enough, or at the very least, approachable. "The last one at the table, that's Lance "the Avalanche" Alvers. Kitty's beau."
I whipped around to look at her, seeing if she was joking or not, but her face was serious, albeit a bit amused. "That's Kitty's boyfriend?!"
"Well, unofficially," Rogue laughed. "Ah'm her roommate after all, so Ah hear her phone calls."
"Bad Rogue, very bad," I laughed. Then I took another look at Lance. I smiled. He was a cute guy, once you gave him a closer look. "Who would have thought that Kitty would like the 'bad-boy' type. Here I always thought she was more of a...Scott-type, I guess."
"Yer not a matchmaker then," Rogue informed me. "Ya thought Ah liked that Cajun...nightmare!"
"That's because you do," I said easily. "And I never said I was a matchmaker, I just make subtle observations." Rogue by that time had gotten red in the face, but whether is was because of anger or embarrassment, I couldn't tell. "But I guess I should tell you the easiest thing I can stop!"
"What's that?" she asked with more attitude than I expected.
Still, I smiled sweetly. "I can spot a virgin a mile away," I laughed.
Rogue just blinked at me a long moment before cracking a smile. Then she out and out laughed and I joined her. "Yer crazy!" she informed me.
"It's true!" I argued. "How can you doubt my skills?" I gave her a puppy face and she laughed.
"Ok," she said with a grin. "If yer so good at findin' virgins, whicha the X-Men are?"
I took a deep breath and studied the X-Men lunch table closely. Of course, this was all assumption and observation, but I was confident in my abilities. Jean got up from the table to throw out her tray, and I used her as an example. "Okay, take Jean," I said to Rogue with a serious tone. "She is a Grade-A virgin if I've ever seen one. Smart, athletic, strong...she's one of those, got it-flaunt it with class, kinda girls. Basically, she won't settle until she's in love. And I doubt that jock she's dating...Duncan or other, is the real-deal."
Rogue nodded, apparently pleased with my dictation. "What about the others?" she asked, smiling again.
Kitty got up, so I jumped at her as an example. "Ah, Kitty. There is no doubt to me that she's a virgin, even if she does has an 'unofficial' bad-boy boyfriend. She's a Girl, so that means no admittance below the waist until after they're down the aisle."
"Ya really think so?"
I shrugged. "It might change when she's older. But she's only what? Sixteen?"
Rogue smiled wanly. "Her sweet sixteen was two weeks before you came. Oh, she was incorrigible!"
I laughed. "Ok, a challenge now? Give me a person!"
Rogue looked at the table thoughtfully. "Scott," she declared.
"I said a challenge!" I complained laughingly. "Scott is a total virgin. Not only is he a total 'love-sucker', he's also subconsciously in love with Jean. Therefore, whenever the pair of them get around to announcing their fuzzier-then-thou feelings, then the unicorns might be lost."
"Unicorn?" Rogue asked, confused.
I grinned and blushed a little. "Well, you know how in all those fantasy stories, unicorns can only be caught by a virgin? Well, without virginity, the unicorns are lost. Therefore, you lose your unicorn."
Rogue looked at me strangely, then laughed with me. "What about the others?" she giggled.
"Well, no way the younger kids have been deflowered," I commented. "I doubt Evan has ever had a girlfriend."
"And Kurt?" Rogue asked, holding a hand up to her mouth to keep from snorting. My smiled faded somewhat as I looked down at said boy. He had his holographic image up to cover up the fact that he was blue and fuzzy with three fingers on each hand and a tail. It was kind of a double-edged sword if you think about it. He had to hide who he was whenever he was in public because there were so many people in the world that would reject him for what he is.
It's funny how the hologram made him look. The first time I saw him wearing it, I stopped to stare because I didn't recognize him. When he spoke, I knew, but for a minute there, I wasn't sure. He looks so much the same but totally different at the same time. Thinking about it made me sad.
"He's a virgin," I said slowly. "I doubt he's found someone he'd want to share something like that with."
"And what about me?" Rogue asked, sensing my sudden discomfort. We both knew the answer because of her condition, but it was just for fun. And so, for fun, I thought long and hard.
"I would have to say virgin," I told her. "And not because of the no-touching thing. Because you're too strong and confident a person. You care to much about yourself and your dignity to give it away on a whim."
Rogue nodded, smiling somewhat ironically. "Sometimes, dignity is all Ah had ta go on." We were silent for a minute, then she looked up at me. "And what about yer unicorn?"
I opened my mouth, ready to give her a fitting retort, but it died on my tongue. I had nothing to be proud of. So I just smiled slightly, almost painfully. "I'm not a virgin," I told her.
"Oh," she said, tugging on the edge of one of her gloves. "You have a boyfriend back home or somethin'?"
"No," I said. "I don't have a boyfriend, or a home." I stretched, arching my back and looking away from her. "I've never been in love either."
"Well, look at it this way," she said, attempting to lighten the mood. "At least one of the X-Men are worldly."
I nodded, catching her drift and changed the subject slightly with a smiled. "Now, I would guess that some of the Brotherhood have been ruined for the rest of society."
Rogue gasped in mock surprise. "No!" she said dramatically.
"Yes!" I replied, equally so. "Lance has lost his unicorn. My guess would be Tabby too. I doubt either of the others have."
"Oh!" Rogue suddenly said. "Ah almost forgot Pietro!"
"Who?"
"The fifth member of the Brotherhood," she explained, scanning the crowd until she saw someone familiar. Then she pointed. "Him, in between those four girls!"
I looked down to see a middle-tall boy, thin and pretty, with a head of white hair and a killer smile that seemed to dazzle the girls around him. Obviously he came from money. "That's Pietro of the Brotherhood?"
"Quicksilver," Rogue filled in.
I just looked over at her with a blank expression. "With a name like that, no wonder he needs so many girls!" We were both silent for a while, then we burst into hysterical laughter. That's when the lunch bell rang and we had to head off to classes.
Rogue told me to wait for her by my bike since she had to stay after for a few minutes, to talk to a teacher about switching a class. I promised to wait, and as I did, I sketches in my notebook. For as long as I can remember, I've drawn on the back of paper with nothing else to do. I love to draw people especially, and I had already drawn some of the X-Men on previous pages.
Rogue, in all her Gothic glory graced my first sketch page, starring in a scene where she was applying her lipstick in front of the bathroom mirror. Kitty was on the second page, standing in front of her open closet doors, rooting through to find her 'lucky' pink top. I had Bobby of the third page, holding the garden hose behind his back as he walked toward Scott's car. The car's owner was picture number four, in his Danger room gear, from when I watched him run a course solo.
This fifth picture I had put off drawing, but I didn't want to anymore. This was a picture of Kurt, perched on the kitchen counter, with is evening sandwich. I took my time while drawing this one, wanting to get all the lines perfect, especially his tail, which is one of his strongest features. I ran a finger along his outlined figure, smudging the pencil lines and adding some shadows, lights and darks.
"C'est tres bon," a voice said from behind me. I turned to see Remy standing a few paces to my left. There was a light smile on his face, and he pointed toward my drawing. He seemed to like my work, saying that it was good and that I had talent. "Vous avez beaucoup de talent."
"Merci ver beaucoup," I thanked him. Then I reverted to English. "I'm surprised to see you away from your tree."
His smile widened. "When I see a fille alone, I can't fight the gentleman in me," he said, in that oh-so-suave way.
I couldn't help but grin back at him. "Well, so you don't have to worry, I'm just waiting for my friend."
"Oh?" was his answer, raising one arched brow in a casual way. I could almost hear his inner monologue asking the question. I couldn't fight it, or maybe I just didn't want to.
"Yeah, the friend you were gawking at," I said with a smile. "She should be here any minute, so I'd advise you to disappear before she comes."
"Why would I ever do a ting like that?" I couldn't help it, I blushed. I could see why Rogue said I was under his spell, but the man was just...infectious. Good thing was that he wasn't looking at me in any kind of lustful way. Maybe his comments were on the flirtatious side, but I could tell he wasn't attracted to me. That was peachy keen with me. Especially since my inner alarm was going off with him being as close as he was when we were in an empty parking lot.
Then I heard a huff. Swinging around, I saw Rogue coming toward us. Her usual gait, full of confidence and I-do-what-I-want attitude was suddenly a very angry stomp. She was shooting daggers at me, but I held up my hands innocently. "He came to me!" I whined before she could harm me in any way. "I did nothing to encourage it!"
Quickly I closed my notebook and jammed it into my side bag as Rogue joined us. She took one look at Remy standing nearby, then simply jammed on my helmet and straddled the bike behind me. Though, she didn't do it fast enough where I wouldn't see her blush. "Let's go," was all she said.
"I'm hurt that you don't say goodbye, chere," he said with a grin, bringing and unlit cigarette to his lips. He wasn't hurt in the least. In fact, it seemed like he was...flattered.
"I thought I told you those were bad," I reminded him about the cigarette. "I don't think a girl would appreciate tasting cigarette on you."
"Parker," Rogue called. "Can we go yet? Ah still have ta get to the store."
He grinned. I smiled, pulling my helmet over my head and hopping on to my bike. "I take it you'll be under the tree on Monday morning?" I asked Remy. He made no move to lit his cigarette now.
"Never know," he said in a casual, husky tone. "Maybe we'll meet before then."
Rogue huffed again behind me and I took that as a sign to go. So that was precisely what I did. I waved at the Tree-boy, then backed out of the parking spot. In a second we were off like a shot, weaving down the road toward a Bayville convenient store. We stopped twice, so Rogue could restock her supplies and so I could grab some grub. Then we found ourselves driving idly.
"Where should we go?" I asked Rogue.
"Take the next left," she told me. "I'll take ya someplace nice."
"Oh, my first date!" I joked.
"Hush up!" she laughed. I took the left and we ended up in what looked like a state park. "This is a preserve," Rogue told me as we drove slowly down the road. "Some endangered bird lives here, but it's empty a lot. Very quiet."
I turned down a shady lane and spied something fun. "Oh, look! A playground!"
Rogue only laughed. "Park," she said. "We can play."
I parked on the side of the road and the two of us took off toward the small playground. There was a dome-shaped jungle gym that Rogue climbed up to sit on the top. I scrambled up to the top of the slide and went down with a yell. I hadn't been on a playground in many years, and it was fun to be there with my best friend. After a while of tag and aimless playing, we ended up on the swings. Four rusty swings that looked about as steady as a house of cards, but held us both going high enough to launch over the bar.
"You come to the playground a lot?" I asked her as I pumped.
"No," she admitted. "There's a big hill in the back, in this clearin'. Ah come here at night sometimes, ta look at the stars."
"Maybe you'll take me one night," I said quietly.
"Sure," she smiled. I smiled back. "So tell me somethin'."
"What?"
"What were you doin' talkin' to the Cajun again?"
I laughed. "Remy came over to me while I was waiting alone," I told her while sticking out my tongue. "He only wanted to know where you were anyway. There's no need to get jealous."
"Ah am not jealous!" she fumed. "We've been through this, Ah don't like 'im!"
"You can say it until your face turns blue," I told her cheerfully. "It won't change the way you look at him, or the way he looks at you."
That made her quiet for a minute. Her reply was tentative at best. "He really looks at me a lot, doesn't he?"
"Yes," I agreed. "And I think he's a nice guy. And I know he's a bad guy," I said, cutting her off before she could object. "But like I told you. Good people can be driven to bad things."
"Ah know," was all she said.
Then we got off the swings and headed home. We had homework to do and a Danger room exercise to get to. Scott would bite our heads off if we were late. I smiled a little at the thought. It was fun to get Scott riled up because as much as he hated to admit it, I was good.
At least it was the weekend.
After dinner, a bunch of the X-Men were going out to the Bayville mall to see a movie and hang out for a while. Kitty invited me a long. I, in turn, invited Rogue. She agreed--though she voiced her distaste for a majority of the mall.
Instead of taking my motorcycle, the two of us hitched a ride with Scott and Kitty. Jean couldn't go with us because she had a date with her jock boyfriend, Duncan. I was only introduced to the guy once, but I didn't like him. Not in a guy way, in a this-idiot-is-dating-the-smart-chick way. It's just as well.
On the ride there, Rogue and I were fighting with Kitty and Scott over what radio station to have on. K-Rock verse Z-100. In the end Scott just turned it off and we argued about what movie to see. In the end, we all decided on the new Jet Li movie.
Rahne, Jubilee, Bobby, Ray, Roberto, and Evan all went to the mall too, though they found their own rides and went to a different movie. I was thankful Kurt didn't come, but then I was guilty because he might have not come because I was there. It put a little damper on my time that was lifted as soon as the four of us went into the movie theatre.
The movie was great, and Scott and I were deep in debate over who had the best moves when we began walking through the mall itself. A few people even looked at us weird for our raised voices of kung-fu styles.
"Uh, guys?" Kitty finally spoke up. Like, maybe we should just go into a store or something?"
"Sure," I said casually. "Which store?"
"That one!" Kitty cheered, pointing to--as expected--as preppy store. Scott, to my immense surprise, wandered in after her to take a look at some sweater vest or another. Rogue and I sat on a bench outside as we waited.
"Ah can't believe Ah used to like 'im," Rogue muttered to herself, looking over at Scott.
"Are you serious?" I laughed. "You held a torch for Summers?"
Rogue blushed. "Back when Ah first came here," she defended. "But Ah don't anymore!"
"True," I nodded. "Now you hold a torch for that adorable Cajun boy!"
"Ah am not!" Rogue steamed once more. Ah, denial is a horrible thing--though the sadistic side of me knows that it's funny as hell to see. Rogue thinks she's a big mystery, but once you spend enough time around her, despite all the pains she undertakes to keep her feelings hidden, they're all right there in her big green eyes. That's why I can read her like a book.
"Oh, not even a little bit?" I badgered.
"No!"
"Yes you do."
No, Ah don't!"
"You so totally do!"
"Parker, Ah'm tellin' ya no!" I have to admit that I love how she said my name. It was like "Paw-ka" with that southern drawl, and I always smiled. My mother had the same accent. She had been born and raised in Mississippi, though Peter and I were raised in the Midwest. Selene was a linguist and a scholar, which is where I picked up my love of dialects and accents.
"Fine, lie to yourself," I said, waving a finger at her. "But when you come face to face with your feelings, girly, don't come cryin' to me!"
Rogue only huffed, until I hugged her loosely around her shoulders and grinned. "Come on, let's go after Kitty and Scott. They may require saving from mutant sweaters!"
Rogue smiled; I was already forgiven. Together we went in search of our two missing friends. Kitty was in the petite section, checking the prices on some ponchos. When she saw us, she grinned. "Rogue, Parker, don't you just love the ponchos? Especially this pink one! It's, like, so totally me!"
"Yes," Rogue and I both agreed. Then Rogue grinned. "Kitty?"
"Yeah?" she responded, barely looking away from the price tags.
"Are ya gonna be here a while?"
"Probably, why?"
"Ah think I'll take Parker over to Hot Topic. Find us there when ya wanna go."
"Ok," Kitty said with a wave of her hand. Rogue grabbed my wrist and steered me toward Scott, who was in the Men's section, browsing the cargo pants. I had to resist my urge to snicker.
"I doubt you'll run better drills in Capri pants, Scott," I said when we got to his side.
He eyed me behind red sunglasses. "What are you two up to?" he asked.
"Ah, shucks," I said to Rogue. "He saw right through us!"
"Well, he is a Cyclops," Rogue smiled.
Scott only frowned. "Rogue's kidnapping me off to a store," I told him. "Hot something or other. Kitty knows. We'll meet you there when you guys are ready to book!"
With that, Rogue dragged me off and I waved to Scott. "Don't waist all your money Rogue!" he called after us.
"Ah won't if ya promise not ta buy those pants!" she retorted. We were out of earshot before he could retort.
"Nice one Rogue!" I said, impressed.
"Thanks," she grinned. "Come on, Ah'll take ya to my store!"
The store she took me to was a Goth girl's dream come to life. The store was full of punkish, gothic delights. Plus there was a lot of band logo/movie themed shirts. Rogue went off to examine a new batch of black clothes while I wandered toward the band shirts hanging on the wall.
A salesgirl bumped into me when I got there, sending me staggering a step back into a another person. Luckily, this person caught and steadied me before I landed head-first into a discount bin. Looking up to my accident victim, I did a double take. Low and behold stood Kitty's almost-boyfriend, Lance.
Close up, he didn't look threatening at all. Maybe a little punkish, and maybe a little aggressive, but my guess would that it was a front to keep trouble away. He looked at me with brown eyes like he didn't want to be concerned, but was anyway. "Are you ok?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, straightening now that I had my balance back. "Thanks," I said with a smile.
He shrugged. "Sure."
Lance turned to go, but I baited him into conversation. "W-which band were you l-looking at?" I stuttered out.
He turned, looking casually at me, then to the wall. "I like Story of the Year," he said idly.
I've heard their music and I like them. "I was admiring the Yellowcard shirt," I admitted. "That or Finch. I love Finch with a passion."
"You like Finch?" he asked, looking both surprised and delighted. "I am a huge fan of them."
I grinned. "I've seen you at school, haven't I?" I asked, seeing if he would take the bait.
"Probably. I'm Lance." He even went the extra mile to introduce himself! I was totally impressed.
"Parker," I said, holding out a hand. He took it and we shook a greeting. That's when Rogue wandered over to me.
"Parker! Ya gotta see what Ah... Hi, Lance," she said a little startled. "Ah didn't know ya shopped here."
Lance looked at Rogue, then back to me. "I, ah...only buy a band shirt now and then."
"Hey Rogue," I said, looking to my friend. "Turns out Lance here is a Finch fan!"
"Really?" Rogue looked at him in a new light. "Ah never knew that about ya!"
Lance blushed dully. "You never asked."
For the next half hour, the three of us were in a heated conversation regarding the ups and downs of punk rock music. It turns out that Lance has a lot of closet knowledge that he was more than willing to share with us, minus a little attitude to keep up appearances. Neither Rogue nor myself minded. I began to wonder why any of the X-Men would really fight with a guy like Lance, a music lover. But it just brought back to mind my old saying. Good people can do bad things, but it doesn't mean they're bad.
My mother always used to say that it's the choices we make that makes us who we are. I believe that with my whole heart, to this very day. The real point is not to let the choices define us.
Just when the three of us got on to the discussion of classic rock influences, a loud voice rang out through the store. "LANCE!"
Said boy winced and turned. "Yes Tabitha?" he said sarcastically, seeing the blonde a few feet behind him.
"Come on!" she said with a grin. "We're gonna hit somewhere else. The mall is totally dragging on my self image."
"I'm so sorry for that Tabby," he responded less-than-willing.
"I'm doing you a favor!" Tabby commented. "I could just take your jeep and leave you here, but I thought I'd be nice and give you a ride."
"It's my car!" Lance reminded her. Tabby only shrugged and looked around him at us.
"Rogue...and some other girl!"
I waved. "I'm Parker!" I introduced myself. "And you're Tabby!"
"That I am!" she grinned. "Nice to meet you! Come on Lance!"
Lance sighed and looked toward us. "Catch ya later," he said lightly. Rogue and I smiled and waved as he was dragged out of the store.
"Are you sure he's Kitty's boy-toy? Tabby's got him on a short leash if you ask me." Rogue giggled.
"Who's Kitty's boy-toy?" Kitty intoned, walking in with a shopping bag in each hand and a sour look on her face.
"Lance Alvers!" I said happily. "We just had a nice talk with him."
Scott frowned as he entered. "You shouldn't associate with the Brotherhood," he said seriously. "They're not the kind of crowd you want your name linked to."
"Oh, lighten up Scott!" I said with a frown of my own. "We were just talking about music."
There was a round of indignant silence until Rogue suggested we go home. So we all did.
Kitty called all the girls into her room so she could show us the new additions to her wardrobe. Rogue--who bought a new pair of black gloves and a new black jacket since I was kind of hording her other one--also showed off her purchases, only with less finesse. I flaunted my Finch fangirl shirt, much to the amusement of my housemates. Then we all retired to our rooms.
The rest of the weekend was slow. I hung out with Rogue, practiced in the Danger room, and hung around with some of the others. When the week started up again, I went to school and hung out with Rogue some more. I knew I shouldn't get so close to her, but I couldn't help myself. I was becoming dependant.
During the week, I avoided Kurt and he avoided me. It was depressing and painful, but my life usually passed along those lines anyway. I did my homework, I went to my Cerebro sessions with the Professor, where he'd also ask me about how I was liking it here at the Institute.
I finally began to understand why Ororo bought me all those supplies, why Logan left me that offer to use his bike again. They don't expect me to leave. I think I should be flattered, but somehow it also makes me angry. It's like all the pain that it'll cause me, that I've been wallowing in, means nothing because they don't believe I'm strong enough to leave.
When the middle of the week came around again, I hid away in the library and finally got up the courage to write to my mother. I had to get some things off of my chest. I had to cry to her because I had no one else to cry to. And I also stared at the drawing I did of Kurt. It made me cry more.
...God, I feel so weak.
I've been through so much more than this, Mom. Endured so much more physical pain. But still, it's the emotional pain that hurts the most. It makes me cringe. Makes me cry. Makes me doubt myself and everything I'm doing. I want to scream. I want to fight. I want to run.
I'll be doing everything I've always hated to do because, truthfully Mom, I am weak.
I'm not strong enough to sever my connections. Not strong enough to pick up and move on. I had other dreams this week. Dreams of death and bloodshed and DeVero. Dreams of all the things done to me, and all the things I've done. Reminders of the blood on my hands and the sins on my soul.
I will leave, Mom.
I have three weeks. Three short, long weeks until I have to leave this place and these people. It's for the best. It's to protect them. It's not because I want to. It's not because I'm scared of anything they could do. I am scared of what could be done to them, because of me. I can't have their lives on my conscience. Not more lives.
Lives like you, Mom.
I could the days, hating and loving the time when I can be free of this place and the feelings long dormant that it stirs inside me. I want to get away from feeling so much and go back to feeling nothing. Nothing but that tiny hope that I will finally find my brother.
I will not give up that hope. I will not give up on Peter, or you.
All my love--Parker
A/N: As usual, please review!
