Author's Note
First, this is the beginning of the third part of the Weight of Love series, starting with Sand then Leaves.
I am finally back! It took a short forever, and my life feels like crazy but I at least have been able to set up my new writing workspace so I can work beyond my phone again. It's been a crazy year. I lost a cousin, I got a promotion at my job, met my boyfriend who had covid19 at the beginning (Eek) and am still in process of renovating the house I bought from my parents. I have no intentions of giving this story up, and fully plan on finishing all 5 parts of this as well as a series of short stories before moving it to original fiction. I am not sure when I will have time to get to making any kind of cover for this, but hopefully sometime in the next month as more of my house projects finish up. I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you enjoy the next part of the story!
As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire :D
Gaara
My entire body felt stiff. I was tired, I needed rest and I had no desire to. There's no time for it. I took a deep breath, scanned the pile of folders on my desk, and rubbed one of my eyes. Nearly half a year's worth of back issues needing to be resolved lay in wait for me. I made it a quarter way through the pile, but it stagnated within the last few days due to new issues and preparatory work for the next meeting. This time the meeting was with a foreign dignitary not of our region. A dignitary I've never dealt with before, which made the preparatory work more intense than usual. The prospect of trade near our eastern border was compelling not only to myself but both councils as well, making this a priority over the backlog of minor issues.
Under normal circumstances, I would have no issue with the amount of work I needed to do. Perhaps it would be an annoyance due to the sheer amount but I enjoyed keeping myself busy. However, in these circumstances, the workload was beyond exhausting. I have an odd affinity towards this sort of work, but for the first time in years, I felt overwhelmed. I had roughly two daily outings with Kisarei along with the preparations for my marriage to her whilst not letting her in on anything going on. I was attempting to exact the ridiculous list the council gave for me so I could go through with said marriage. Not only did I have to work on my personal life, but there was also the stockpile of back work and the preparations from the visit as well as four weekly meetings.
I was ready for a rest. There wasn't time to rest.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, blinked moisture back into my eyes then took a deep breath and decided once again rest of any kind is overrated. I could breathe and allow my body to rejuvenate after I married Kisarei. Only two more weeks of staying awake. As long as my son returned in time.
My heart twisted in my chest as images of him dealing with an onslaught similar to the one I experienced when Kisarei first arrived floated through my mind. I opened the next folder as I cleared my throat to cover up the emotion attached to the thought. Financial tax and collections: Southern Gate Area C. This was better to focus on than my impending marriage and missing son at the moment.
I began to scan through the documents inside. All were small proposals, yet nothing notable enough to matter much beyond being a waste of time and a distraction from my current train of thought. They asked permission to relocate funds from road repair and add a small addition to taxes within the community to help build a better garden. This seemed reasonable enough and the road repairs in the area, according to the report, were already inspected and marked as fully functional. A single year of relocating a portion of funds would do nothing to harm the road budget due to the lack of need in repairs. I grabbed my quill and signed the proposal, placed it back into the folder, and stacked it into the box for council review. If there were any issues, I would see it again.
I hoped I wouldn't. I felt conflicted between my obsessive desire to work and my obsession with the woman I was to marry soon. Every time I attempted to focus on my work, all I could think about was the woman. Every time I attempted to focus on the woman all I could think about was work. The back and forth was beginning to irritate me.
Would this ever become easier? I placed the quill back into the bottle, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Tonight I had another scheduled outing with my betrothed. Honestly, I barely had time to address my list of things to prepare for let alone keep track of all the things left to do. What was left on it again? Two weeks. Two more major outings between the dinners and lunches deemed by the council. I saved the worst for last, I remembered this. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't think about it. I rubbed my eyes again as a familiar tingling numb settled in my mind.
I needed rest. I couldn't rest. I had things I needed to finish so I could marry Kisarei. I looked to my pile of work and let out a breath. I didn't have time for anything beyond my workloads on both fronts. I wanted to rest, yes, in fact, my body was beginning to demand it. My earlier focus on her brought on this mountain of work since the imbeciles within the laws office decided only to push the most important matters my way during the whole ordeal and sat on the rest. The rest which could easily have been handled by said people in the laws office.
Sand crawled down my arms and hovered up around my body as I remembered the reason they had not. By the order of the council. I couldn't help but wonder if they wanted me to snap. Give up on the technical courtship of Kisarei so I could finish the backlog, I'm sure this was their wayward reasoning behind it. I would sooner kill the ones responsible for this mess in the council and just marry her anyway. A sickening shiver boiled up from my middle and I couldn't stop the smile from forming.
Imbed sand into their spines and force them into a charade so the public wouldn't know any different than what they saw and then disintegrate them all once the deed was done. A laugh escaped my mouth and I covered it with my hand, but the laugh continued. I could deal with the backlash from the disappearance of the entire elder council. A pulse of excitement flowed through me. I could do it. I could kill them, all of them. I allowed the sand to whip around my body as I played with the idea. I could feel their warmth, I could make them scream and ask for mercy. The hand covering my mouth traveled upward, embedded into my hair and I leaned into it.
I focused on the dot carved into my desk. Focus. My entire body shook and I forced the sand back into place over my skin. Killing others who are not technically enemies wasn't good and I shouldn't do it.
Besides, I couldn't face her if I went through with it.
In fact, she's the only reason at this point I hadn't already murdered any members of the council and even though I knew I shouldn't entertain the idea at all, I kept debating which one I would kill first. Would it be the one who sent my son away or the one who made this ridiculous backlog? Perhaps the one who finalized the list of demands toward my marriage. My muscles tensed as the tickle in my stomach returned and the sand shifted on my body again as I tried to calm my own nerves. I opened the next folder, my mind remaining on more personal issues. Did they expect me to give up on Rei? I would sooner drop Kimi off of a balcony in a place sand did not dwell than not actively pursue keeping my Naruto forever.
Naruto.
I stared at the paper in front of me, which began to blur.
Kisarei. Keeping my Kisarei. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
Perhaps I should give in and take a few hours to rest before that name slipped past me beyond thought. I'd existed for years successfully without any rest at all while I dealt with housing Shukaku in my body, why couldn't I seem to manage two small months? I flipped over the paper, revealing an oddly weighted folder. I frowned, opened it, and revealed an envelope taped to the inside.
Gaara
What was this? My name scrolled on the front in fancy letters, a handwriting far too familiar to me. I hovered my hand over it a moment, gathering the nerve to investigate the envelope further. My throat tightened, enough to threaten to cut off my air. Before I could talk myself out of addressing it, I removed the envelope from the tape on the paper with careful precision. I flipped it over. The seal on the back was exactly the one I suspected it to be considering the writing on the front. She'd dictated letters to me in the past, though this one I was certain came directly from her. Above the seal was the mark of Konoha, and the seal itself was one I saw many times before. Hyuuga.
It graced the back of every letter I received from Naruto ever since he married into the family. He used their seal on everything he sent my way. Including postcards which I still found to be an amusing oddity.
I could recall his explanation, the huge smile on his face as he said it. Hey, I have a family crest so why not use it? I could never get through to him postcards weren't the type of thing which needed a wax seal. My fingers traced my lips and the slight smile the thought brought on. I took a breath and returned my attention to the thing which bore the crest now. Since the usual culprit currently resided in my own personal residence and no longer could use the crest, it only left one person who'd write to me using this seal. The one whose fancy and clean lettering occasionally adorned more formal letters to me on a personal level.
Hinata. I had sent a letter to her a while back requesting something for my wife, yet I had no desire to interact with the woman. I held it in my hand a moment while I resisted the urge to toss the paper into the garbage and instead set it on the desk. I tried to force myself to swallow, though it barely helped the tightness in my throat. Why was this not brought to me sooner? I decided would rather procrastinate before opening it. I pressed the button under my desk and waited for a runner to come.
Within minutes the door opened revealing a boy I didn't recognize. "Position." I choked on the word as I forced it from mouth not realizing before the tightness in my throat would show through. I focused on keeping my face a complete blank, hoping the hoarseness in my voice would be attributed to my antisocial nature. If this boy were to point out my discomfort with what was in front of me, I wasn't sure I would be able to control my less than professional tendencies.
He rattled off his name and position per protocol, but I only demanded it for show. At least I believe it's what he did, the timbre to his voice indicated it's what he did, I wasn't paying him any real attention. I did notice he mentioned he was a genin. I think. Fair. There were many assignments for genin which revolved around being a runner for the councils here within the main tower. I gave a slow nod, hoping he hadn't caught my distraction. I removed the folder the envelope was in and held it out for him. The only marking on the thing was a small red stamp left underneath where the envelope was taped, one I did not recognize. "I desire for you to go to the mailroom and inquire of the origin of this marking. I also want to know why they deemed letter attached to it so unimportant they mixed into a folder I would not see for months." I was halfway certain half of what I said was inaudible, but the boy could figure it out, I was sure.
The boy took it, then stilled once he had it in hand. I stared at him, and he returned the stare. What was he waiting for?
I folded my hands and continued my stare. What was this child doing? I waited for another minute or so before my curiosity on his silent presence became more present than my irritation at his presence. I tilted my head and was about to ask him why he remained when a look of panic passed over his features. The boy muttered a quick apology then dashed out of the room.
I stared after him a moment after he slammed the door shut behind him. Strange. I sighed before looking back down to the envelope I took from the folder. I traced my fingers over the indented wax on the back of it. A slight pain formed in my chest. I frowned. I would never receive one of these from Naruto again. Why would it matter? The entire notion was a silly sentiment and entirely unnecessary. I was marrying Kisarei, as long as the council approved. I felt baffled at the sense of loss to Naruto's letters. He was she and she was going to be mine. I blinked my eyes a few times to remove the numb feeling from my mind. This must be a side effect of needing rest.
I traced over the wax again, consciously procrastinating on opening it. The council had not yet responded to my inquiries. Two weeks until the two-month mark for their list of demands. The courtship process was almost done. The outings, the announcement, and parading myself around in the traditional courting clothes of the old family. I didn't mind this aspect of the outings with her, I enjoyed performing the traditions personally. I was used to being watched by everyone, and with every outing more of Suna came to watch. I could tell she was starting to get uncomfortable with how many people crowded around just beyond our vicinity to gawk at her. The woman who was to become the Lady of Suna. The outings reached every news source in Suna, tales of previous encounters, and speculated details of when and where the Lady was next to appear. Recordings of everything she did while she was out in public, of speculations on her personality and her background. How she would be once married to me and how she would be with the people of Suna.
There were also discussions on the fact not one person had yet to see her walk. With the eventual arrival of Sakura, I was sure this one thing would be fixed. Everything we were going through was a trial, I knew. I knew it would be hard and tedious. I knew they would test her as well. I knew what they wanted. They wanted to bring back traditions I personally was incapable of bringing forth. I knew they were jumping at the chance to revive the old ways of Suna through Kisarei, even if she herself had no idea what any of the traditions were.
I sighed. It was going to continue to be difficult. The coming days were going to test my resolve. I shifted in my chair wanting to push the thoughts creeping into mind away. If juggling this backlog and finishing off their ridiculous list was what it took for them to approve my marriage officially, then so be it. I'd gladly do it all again if I had to. I would find the repetitiveness highly annoying and might have to kill something, but I would comply.
Probably.
I passed my thumb over the wax seal again, clenched my jaw, and then popped it open. I pushed the paper fold upward, let out a slow breath then pulled the small piece of paper from it. My heart raced. I remembered well what I wrote her over a month ago and while I felt irritated she ignored my letter, I wasn't looking forward to whatever her reply would be. What was her choice? I didn't want to know. I needed to know. I opened it.
I stared at the message inside. Short, simple, and to the point, similar to how mine had been.
Lord Kazekage,
I will come with Sakura when she returns with your son after the mission.
-Lady Hinata Hyuuga
My stomach twisted when I reached the end of the note, causing a sour backwash to rise up into my throat. Hyuuga. I reread the name a few more times then crumpled the offending piece of paper in my hands. She removed Uzumaki from her name. Annulled. She gave him to me.
Mine.
It still didn't mean she had to remove his name from hers as though she threw him away. For the rest of the world, Naruto Uzumaki was killed in battle. His name would be an honor, instead...
The sand agitated within my hands and soon the paper dissolved into it. Gone. I didn't care. It held no real information. I folded my fingers around the sand which now included the dissolved note and held it into a fist. If she wanted to eradicate his name from hers, then so be it. What she chose to do was no concern of mine now Kisarei is mine.
I leaned back into my chair.
How could she just erase him like this? I growled at my own thoughts, annoyed it bothered me as much as it did. It doesn't matter.
The memory of her anger flashed through my mind. This whole situation was her own fault. She gave him to me. She was the one who made our marriage, our daughter possible by her deception. She had no right to be angry when she was the one at fault for Naruto nearly dying by giving him the wish in the first place.
She should have kept his name.
It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. I have my Kimi, my Kisarei. But...
The sand sliding down my body and floating in the air around me betrayed my inability to let it go. I opened my fist and pushed the sand seated within upward in a swirl. Whoever set it aside was correct after all. The message itself was of utter unimportance. I packed the sand down into a firm, solid ball, and shot it forward, lodging it firmly into the wall before releasing it.
"Hyuuga." My voice cracked with the name, but I needed to say it aloud for a reason unknown to me. I studied the new hole in the wall where the sand which encased the remnants of the note was embedded. I'll have to patch it in, leave it there for eternity.
I felt the need to destroy something else. Not enough. I wanted more. I wanted to crush something, move something, go somewhere. My muscles twitched at the thought of blood and the sand floating around my body became more erratic in a violent show of my personal emotion.
I shoved myself away from my desk and went to the window having a sudden need for fresh air. I forced the errant sand back to my body and opened the window. I could feel it crawl across my skin rather than stay still for my armor. I took a deep breath, allowing the hot dry air of the desert to fill my lungs.
Logically I knew it wasn't Hinata, or the council and their ridiculous demands of me which were making my nerves get the better of me. The letter only reminded me of Konoha. Konoha reminded me of both my upcoming nuptials and the simple fact my son wasn't home.
Shinki.
The acid rose back up into my throat and the city before me blurred. I still hadn't heard from either him or Temari since they left Konoha. What was taking them so long? I didn't like this silence. I wanted them to return, I wanted them back. Two months. Two months and my marriage would be either denied or approved by the council. I was a week away from this decision and two weeks away from when the ceremony would take place should the council approve it.
I was not going to have my wedding without my son or my sister present, no matter their decision, it wouldn't feel right. My vision blurred further and I turned from the window. The memory of killing Shinki surfaced in my memory and I felt cold. His body bleeding out, how he became so still in front of my eyes. They would take advantage of his heart, his desire to protect others. He was only sixteen, he needed... He needed to-
I couldn't breathe. No. I wasn't going to think about it. I would not allow a world where my son would die so early in his life. I wouldn't.
I needed out. I needed air. I reached out, allowing the sand to work for me, unlatching the other side of the window and opening it. My hair fell out of place and I pushed it back up before staring at the window sill. I couldn't stay here anymore. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to go home. I needed to. I didn't care if anyone saw me, I was going to jump.
The door to my office opened as I moved up to the ledge of the large window. I looked behind me to see the boy I sent out for the information. We stared at each other a moment, a slight amusement passing through me at the idea this boy was about to watch his Kazekage deadfall from the window. I turned from him and stepped up onto the sill.
"Wait, I got an answer." The boy's voice hitched, but I did not turn back to face him. He cleared his throat, apparently determined to finish his small mission. "I, you see, he said-"
I stopped him before he stuttered out the rest of the answer by holding up one of my hands. At this moment, I did not care. The note was nothing more than a simple warning with no answers. "Write down what you are about to say and leave it on my desk." I steeled my shoulders and turned back around, twirling on the ball of my foot on the window sill. I folded my arms and studied the boy a moment. "It will be in your best interest if you learn not to stammer when talking to those above your position." Before he could respond I leaned backward until my body was no longer centered and used the sand to push me out just enough to separate myself from the building. I closed my eyes and allowed the sensation to take over my body, the tingling rush which filled my limbs. Air pushed the fabric of my clothes up around me. I flipped around mid-air tangling my clothes around my body and forcing breath back into my lungs.
I closed my eyes and allowed the ticklish sensation of falling to take hold. My arms drifted out my sides and soon a familiar roar erupted beneath me. Sand gathered around my limbs and torso, slowing my body from its freefall from my office. I opened my eyes to the sight of sand swirling around my body and focused on righting myself. I landed on my feet and began to walk home. I paid little attention to the bystanders who noticed my stunt and reacted by either running, screaming, or staring at me. It didn't matter. What mattered was getting home, getting away, getting my worry from my mind, and focusing on other more important things.
Things which pertained to tonight's outing, which I didn't want to think about. I sent for another dress for Kisarei, which should have already arrived at my residence. The thought of her wearing it made my stomach erupt in the strange ticklish feeling I was starting to attribute to anticipation. A different sort of anticipation from the one I felt from battle, meetings, or travel. One which plagued me randomly since accepting Naruto's existence and one which always made itself clear in his presence not long after he kept me from giving into being assassinated.
I felt my lip twitch upward. The memory was a welcome thought, a pleasant distraction from my increasing workload and worry. I entered my house and ignored the growing number of servants in my house, all appointed by the council. A housekeeper, a cook, a maid, and a house-servant. All of them were unnecessary albeit needed for the revival of tradition.
You wanted to revive the traditions, didn't you Lord Gaara?
I grit my teeth at the remembered retort from the liaison of the elder council and knew I had no choice in it. Arguing about what traditions I thought were important versus the ones I did not would have began a large debate. If the council disagreed with me, they still had the power to retract my marriage proposal out of sheer spite.
I paused a moment, then started up the stairs with a soft inward groan. Another annoyance. If I had my way, I would be out of this place by the time we were traditionally married. Though their slow pace made me think it would be later than I hoped for. I had no desire to deal with the worry associated with the ridiculous amount of stairs in my house when it came to my future wife and child. I dealt with them since becoming Kazekage though their existence was my own fault. I had the chance to insist on a move, but my siblings were happy where they were. I hated this place and its constant reminder of my father, but to them, it was a beloved memory of our parents. Just because my father was a monster to me, did not mean he was to them. Who was I to take such a memory away?
