This story takes place immediately after Crush.
She shut me out of her life, she shut me out ! The same words turn around in his brain all the way long the path to his crypt. How can she says that to me, after all we have been through, after all that I've done to help her ! She can't do that to me, she can't !
Spike's brain keep the same mantra all along to stop the pain in his heart, to keep his brain from shuting down completely. Unconsciousely, he knows that if he lets his pain take over, it will kill him this time. He can't face another rejection in his life anymore, he simply can't. So he decides that it's not real, it's not possible, Buffy doesn't love him for the moment, OK ! But the time will come, he will show her that he has change. It was a bad idea, chain her and Dru, it's allright just a mistake, nothing irreparable. He will keep a low profile, with some time she will calm down, and he knows she will need him with Glory or another nasty demon in no time.
The best thing is to drink his pain for the next days, she won't come to him immediately. He has time to drawn in Jack Daniels for the moment. He has all the time in the world, Vampire here, remember !
He has time and She doesn't. One day she will be vulnerable, and he will takes his chance, and that day she will be his.
Buffy can't sleep, her mind replays the scene all the time. She can't forget the look of pain and suffering in Spike's eyes when he has bumped in the invisible barrier restored by Willow. It's ridiculous, why Spike's feelings touch her so much, no ! Not feelings ! He can't feel, he has no soul, he can't feel ! It's a trick ! Yes a trick to soften her, it's a trap.
Spike wants her to let her guard down and when his chip will be removed, it will be more easy for him to kill her. It's exactely what he wants, it's a plan, wicked, twisted but nonetheless his plan.
So why can't she sleep ! Damnit !
Ok Buffy calm down ! She must go to the kitchen, drink a glass of milk, watch some TV soap to take her mind from him, and relax. She does exactely that, but one hour later she realizes it doesn't work, she can't concentrate on the stupid thing playing on the TV.
Ok ! It's not what I need, so what can I do ?
Patrolling ! Yes that's the solution ! She returns in her room, dress up quickly with comfortable clothes, takes a stake and gets out silentely.
The night is quiet and the weather is really soft and warm with just a little breeze in the air. The scent of flowers and grass freshly cut is overwhelming. It's relaxing, she loves the night, much more than day sometimes. She doesn't say that to her friends because she is affraid they will think it's weird. In her case, they will think, it's not normal to prefere a moment in time where she is often confronted with evil things and forces of darkness. She is The Slayer, she represents the light, her friends prefere the normalcy of day, why is she so attracted by darkness ?
A shift in the air, beside her, stops the train of her thoughts. Her slayer's sense warns her, a vampire is approaching, she knows exactely where he is standing, a few meters behind her on the left. She goes on and let him come closer, when she knows he is just behind her, ready to attack, she turns round and grips him by the neck.
What do you think you are doing ?
Nothing ! I swore ! The vampire says with difficulty, due to the iron grip encercling his neck.
Sure ! It's after midnight, we are in a cemetary, you follow a girl, and you want me to think you are doing nothing ? Do I look stupid, do you think my name is Harmony ?
No-no !
Good ! So since you are here, and you are a vampire...
You know what.I am ?
Yes. Easy, I'm The Slayer ! Don't interrupt me when I talk, OK !
So as I was saying, I've got questions for you, if your answers satisfies me, I will let you live, are you ok with that ?
Yes ! He was in no position to refuse the deal and he knows it.
First question : Since when have you been turned ?
October 1999.
Ok so, you are a four year vamp, do you remember your family and your friends ?
Of course, what do you want from me ? My CV ?
Shut up ! Just answer, I don't need your comments ! What do you feel when you think about them ?
Huh ! I don't know !
What do you mean you don't know ? Did you kill them after you have been turned ?
No ! Why would I have done such a thing, I just left them, that's all.
So, think again do you feel something for them ?
I loved them, but I'm a vampire, I didn't want to cause pain to my mother, so I left, they would have been terrified by me if I had said what I have become.
Why do you say you loved them, past tense, you don't love them anymore ?
I suppose that I feel something for them, but they are my past, why think about them anymore ?
If someone, another vampire, for exemple, attacks your mother in front of you, what would you do ?
You are crazy, or what ? What sort of question is that ?
Answer me, or I stake you !
Ok ! Ok ! I think that if the vamp is not much older than me, I will kill him before he could kill my mother, but if it's a master I would do nothing.
Can I go now ?
Yes ...says Buffy, she removes her hand from his neck.
The vampire takes a breath, and turn round to escape, but Buffy stakes him before he can make another step.
Sorry ! I can't let you go, I'm the Slayer.
The dust settle, after a few seconds, and the breeze blow it off.
Buffy sits down on a bench nearby, she is sad and doesn't understand why. She is so confused, is it possible for a vampire to feel, even if he has no soul ? A dog doesn't have a soul, but they seems to have feelings, basics feelings but nonetheless. After the death of their masters, some animals, like dogs and cats let themselves die. They have no souls, but they feel love and pain like human beings.
She must talk to someone. She gets up and head for Giles's house, it's only one in the morning and Giles is always late to go to bed.
When she arrives, the light is on in the livingroom, she knocks at the door and Giles opens, surprised to see her.
Buffy ! Is something wrong ? Are you allright ?
Nothing is wrong Giles, can I come in ?
Of course !
She sits down on the sofa and rubs her hands nervously on her jeans.
Do you want something to drink ?
A glass of water, please, Giles.
He goes to the kitchen and bring back a glass to Buffy. He sits on the armchair in front of her and waits for her to explain her visit.
Giles, I'm sorry to disturb you so late, but I couldn't go to sleep, so...
Buffy, visibly something is perturbing you, why don't you say what it is ?
Giles, is it possible for something like a demon to have feelings ?
Giles frown.
Why does it worry you Buffy ? Is something happen tonight, during your patrol ?
Yes... sort of, I was thinking about... well I don't want to explain, really, but... animals feels even if they have no souls, so why demons wouldn't have feelings too ?
Buffy, it's a difficult question, when Europeans discovered Africa, and black people, the Christians thought black people had no soul, so they reduce them to slaves, we know now it was faulse and wrong. Lots of people think animals doesn't feel, so they think it's nothing to beat an animal, but it seems wrong to you no ?
Yes, of course ! But demons, I kill demons, if they feel, like animals, so it's wrong to kill them, no ?
Buffy you kill evil demons who does evil things, it's not wrong. It's your duty.
But Clem is a demon, and if I didn't know he is harmless, I could have kill him one day. And he seems to have feelings like anybody else, it would have been like a murder. And we don't know if he has a soul, perhaps animals and demons have some sort of equivalent of a human soul...
Buffy, perhaps I'm not the best person to answer your questions, I think Anya who was a vengeance demon for centurys, knows more on the subject than me. Or perhaps Angel... no it's a bad idea, since his problem with his soul...
I don't want to talk with him about this, but Anya...I think I could speak to her. Thank you Giles.
It's nothing Buffy, go home now, you need to sleep.
I see you tomorrow, good night Giles.
Good night Buffy.
Giles closed his door and returned in the livingroom, he needed a drink. He filled a glass with a dose of scotch and sit down on the sofa. All the questions Buffy is seeking, he himself would have loved to have the answers. He always knew this day would happen, Buffy is the slayer who has lived the longest, it is logical she will mature. With maturity, comes reflection.
But Giles knows that the questions have something to do with Spike, he is not blind, he has seen how the vampire watch Buffy when he thinks nobody pay attention to him.He must have say something about his feelings to Buffy and if Buffy didn't care at all about him she wouldn't have all these questions in mind.
Even if Buffy doesn't see she cares about him for the moment, it's a matter of time before she will return his feelings. Giles knows there is something between them, if not Buffy would have kill him a long time ago. A good time would have been when Spike was allied with Adam, for example. A betrayal of this scale, with any other vampire, would have push Buffy to stake the traitor immediately, but Buffy had let him go, without a word.
Giles at this moment had known it was not normal. Yes, one day, Buffy will fall for another vampire, and that vampire will be William The Bloody, Slayer of Slayers. It was not comforting at all, Spike will always be a danger, chip or no chip, but Giles has seen a change in Spike's demeanour, without a soul, Spike is the more human vampire he has ever seen. He remembers Spike's help when Angelus was torturing him. He knows Spike has volontarily diverted Angelus attention when he was about to kill him.Without him he would be dead.
It was him who thought to allied himself with the slayer because he didn't want the end of the world, and because of Drusilla too, of course.
Indeed it wasn't entirely unselfish, but he loved her, even after the way she had betray him. Few men would have done the same, and he was a vampire, not a man. Something is different with him, and Giles would have paid a great price to know what.
