Buffy is punching the training bag with all she has. All her friends know that Spike said he loves her, and of course when she told them the story, she has made the disgusted face they all expected to see her make. It was two days after Spike's declaration.
Xander thought it was funny at first but he surprised her because at the end of the tale he seems a little sorry for Spike. Even Willow was embarrassed. Giles had said nothing but cleaning his glasses with a frown. After that she had trained with Xander as the puching bag, in his Sumo costume. She was so exasperated that she had hurt him a little. They have talked about that and she was feeling better after, but with Warren and his stupid robot April, her feeling of loneliness had returned.
But all of this was nothing in comparison of the void and emptiness she is feeling now that her mother is gone. Everything is so empty. She feels so alone.
Sure she has friends and her sister, but just now it's not enough. If only she has a boyfriend who could take care of her, who could said to her that soon it will be better and take her in his arms.
It's why she can't help but think of Spike. Willow had explain that Spike has come to the magic box when she was searching for April. He has tried to lie to them when he saw that they were furious about what he had done. She wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes, that day, Brrr...!
She feels sorry for him, nothing seems to go right in his life, or unlife ! (Ok ! She had laughed a little when April had send him fly through the window, but it's only because he was so surprised. The look on his face, it was funny !).
In fact, since he can't bite, his life must be really hard.
He can't frightened anyone anymore, the Scoobies make fun of him all the time. The demon community consider him like a traitor to his kind, he has no friends, except Dawn and Clem. And now that the Scoobies know that he loves her, he has no pride left. His life sucks big time !
« yours too ! No ? » the little voice in her head says.
« Mine is not as bad as his ! » she says angrily, punching the bag once more. « I have friends and family and my reputation is great ! Thanks ! »
« You have friends who don't really understand you, they don't know your dark side, they don't know you feel so alone all the time, and your reputation is that of a killer so what is so different between you and him ? »
« Me I'm good, he, he is not ! »
« He has changed a lot, and you know it ! He could be good if you really wanted him to be ! »
«Even if he loves me, it doesn't change the fact that he is a vampire ! If he didn't have this chip in his head he would be killing humans in no time. »
« He wouldn't do that, he knows that you would stake him, and he wouldn't have a chance with you if he did. »
« Sure, but if one day he doesn't love me anymore, he would start killing again. Even if I have some feelings for him, I can't love him. »
« You say you can't, but love doesn't need permission... » The voice says chuckling.
« Oh shut up ! » she says, pummelling the training bag.
« Buffy ? Is everything all right ? » Anya asks from upstairs.
« yeah ! I'm fine, no worry ! » She grabs her coat and a stake and returns upstairs.
« I'm going for patrol ! Bye Anya, bye Xander ! »
« Buffy wait... » says Xander, but she is already out.
One hour, and three cemetary later, Buffy is out of her mind with boredom.
« It's always the same, each time I need a little action there's nothing to kill ! Grumpff...!»
« Bored, slayer ? »
Buffy jumps a little at the sound of his voice. Great ! Spike ! This bad night wouldn't be complete without him ! She turns to face him. He is sitting on a tombstone, looking at the sky. He looks tired and sad. His usually cocky grin is nowhere to be seen, and his eyes are red, almost as if he had been crying...
« Spike ! Whatare you doinghere ? »
« Nothing. » he says, turning his head in her direction. His gaze fixed on her shoes.
« Okay... so did you see anything killable when you where here doing...nothing ? »
« No ! Apart from me, no. » He takes his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and lights one.
Buffy doesn't know what to say to him, he seems out of it. She sits beside him, and looks at the stars above them. It's nice to sit here with him, she thinks.
« What do you want, Buffy ? You sit here with me for what ? You want to laugh at me ? You can, you know ! I'm a pathetic excuse for vampire.
I'm not a man, not a monster, I'm nothing ! » his voice is angry at first, but it breaks in the end.
« I'm sorry Spike... »
« Don't ! don't say anything, I can't hear you say it... » he says dejectedly.
They say nothing for a while. Buffy doesn't want him to think that she is heartless, but she doesn't want to encouraged him either. She places her hand on his and squeeze it a little.
« I don't think you are pathetic, Spike »
« No ?...so why did you treat me like it, when your friends are there ? » he says, withdrawing his hand from hers.
« I don't... » she stops. « I... I know I treated you badly, it's just that you know, it's hard to forget sometimes all the bad things you tried to do to us in the past and... »
« It was not so hard to forgive Angel ! » His tone venomous.
« You don't know anything about that ! You think that it was easy to forgive what Angelus did to Jenny, you think it was a piece of cake ! He tortured my watcher, he frightened my friends, I had to kill him even if Willow had returned his soul before I send him to Hell ! Don't speak about that ! You don't know how hard it was ! » she says, stears staining ker cheeks.
« I'm sorry ! I know it was hard..., please don't cry... » he says, unsure of what to do.
« I know that you have never been as cruel as Angelus, you never tortured any of my friends and you didn't kill anybody I know... but Drusilla did killed Kendra, and you have killed so many people in a century, so you can't expect us to show you some respect as soon as you decides you want to change ! » she says, still crying.
« I know, it's just...forget it ! I'm a stupid git ! I made you cry, as if you don't have too much on your plate already...I'm sorry for your mum » he says shyly.
She nods, wipping her tears and sniffing. Spike gives her a tissue from his pocket. She takes it and tries to regain some composure.
« You know I wanted to give her flowers the night after, but Xander said you wouldn't have like it so... »
« I'm sorry for that, he didn't tell me, I know you liked her...she liked you too you know... »
« Really ? »he seems pleased « It was a nice lady, I'm very sorry for you and the niblet... »
« Oh Spike ! Why did she left me ? I'm so lonely without her ! » She says, bursting again into tears.
Without thinking, Spike takes her in his arms, and whispers words of comfort to her, while caressing her hair tenderly.
« Shh ! Buffy, it's not her fault, she didn't want to left you, it will go better with time. I know you can't see it now, but the pain will lessen. She will always be in your heart and she wouldn't want you to be sad for her. Wherever she is, she sees you and protects you. You are not alone, pet ».
Buffy is calming in his arms now, and he doesn't want her to think he is trying more than comfort her, but she is here in his arms and he doesn't want to ever let her go. Her body is warm against him and her hairs are so soft. Her scent surrounds him. She stands still in his arms, her hands on his back.
She doesn't seem to want to let go either.
Reluctantly, he decides to end the moment, before it feels awkward for her. He takes a step back and takes her by the shoulders, his gaze fixed on hers. « better, pet ? »
She nods shyly, and steps backward too. « I think I should go home now...Dawn needs me »
« Sure, goodnight Buffy » he says, turning on his heels and going in direction of his crypt.
« goodnight Spike and thank you... » she whispers.
If not for his vampire hearing, he would not have heard her. A smile reachs his lips and a warmth spreads through his heart.
