Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, just using them for my own twisted purposes… but you knew that…

My God… I updated…

: people faint, women swoon, men run into walls:

How to Heal Your Burns

Chapter 4: To Those That Are Frustrated…

The first two missions were hard without her.

It was hard on the team.

We would return in the same fashion we had always… a little tired, a little happy, very relieved to have done our duty yet another day. But as soon as the steel of the entrance way casts its shadow over our heads, upon our shoulders, an un-seen cloud of discourse and shame feel upon me like a quick moving plague.

Guilt.

Raven.

They asked about her every time we had a call, and every time the excuse burned my lips, slapped Cyborg. God, we're pathetic.

Only once did her absence distract me in battle. I called out her name to attack.

She wasn't there.

Just empty pavement, just a blank street.

I've walked by her door many times. There has always been hesitation, now I don't knock without purpose, I don't knock alone.

What a coward I've become.

Here I am again, at her threshold. The others slink away to their own places. It is nearly eleven in the evening and sleep calls to them. It probably sounds like a sweet lullaby, some effervescent sound that numbs the mind. Sleep used to sound like that for me.

Cyborg is at my side, shooting his agitated stare. Angry for a week now, at me. He thinks I'm a coward too. Hiding this from the team. Well fuck him, he doesn't understand what this could lead to, Fuck him for thinking that he could fucking know…

Calm down Robin. Calm down.

Raven.

She has been quiet for five days now. Not silent. She slept. She ate. She heals. But she was so quiet. Her questions, her statements were always hushed and purposefully low. It left me more than unsettled. She lacked any womanly luster, any dominating command in her voice. She used to always have that in her voice.

Today was no different. She knew the procedure by heart. I would close the door. Cyborg would pull out his kit. She would sit on her bed.

Next I would turn and rest my forehead on the wall nearest the door. She would undress and Cyborg would check that her wounds were making some progress…

Check that nothing new had taken their place.

I became very well acquainted with that darkly colored wall. I noticed every crack, every miss step of the paint brush.

"….almost healed…" words had come before that statement, and probably some more afterwards, but it was all that my mind could make out. It was all my mind registered as I tuned slowly, catching the glimpse of her bare back and extended arm. Holding her other arm around her naked chest.

And I watched her skin, there would be scars on her arms, there was no way around that, in the form of tiny scratches. Her legs and torso and face had healed. But her back, her poor back even days after the assault it still held faded shades of green.

"Okay, that should about do it." Cyborg rested back on his chair and started to put the rest of his supplies back into the small white kit.

"Do you mind…" I looked from the box to her eyes. They were narrowed with a piece of her hair falling over them. Shit, I didn't realize I had been staring.

"…sorry…"

I turn back to my favored wall, lightly kicking the base with my boot.

I feel the door swoosh open and Cyborg walk out; I join him, turning my head to see a now fully costumed Raven sitting on her bed, starring intently at the floor.

Now in the hallway her door slams shut and Cyborg begins his march back to his room. No good nights, no 'see ya tomorrow', just a familiar march.

Should I? Without him? I mean, we had discussed it together, but I don't know if he would want to be with me when I tell her. Oh fuck it, you're the leader. Be a man Robin!

I don't knock. I know she's still sitting on her bed. The door slides open. She's a still statue upon her sheets, using her eyes to make war with the floor.

"Raven…" Ah, yes. Another disdainful look, how accustomed I've become.

"Come back for another free show?" She gets up and quickly pulls her cloak to around her shoulders , sweeping the hood over her purple hair.

"… I didn't mean… I mean, you know I don't look… I…" When had I become this stuttering idiot. Just say it Robin, you don't look at her to indulge some kind of warped fantasy… you look at her because…, "I just wanted to make sure… I mean your bruises… I…"

"Doubting Thomas", she says coolly, putting on her boots, flexing her legs…

"What?" Who the hell is Thomas?

"In the Bible, Thomas would not believe Jesus was alive until he saw him, felt the holes in his hands… you lack the same faith Robin."

"I don't believe in that stuff."

"Neither do I." She gets up, straightening her cloak, her hair. " But you don't believe until you see… that's a dangerous trait to have."

What the fuck is she talking about? I don't believe until I see?

"Sometimes trusting too easily is just as dangerous, but I guess that isn't something we have to worry about." Her eyes immediately find mine. Did I say something I shouldn't have? Why is she giving me that stare? Okay change the subject…

"Um… how are you sleeping?" She takes her gaze from me and turns her head towards the window. It really is amazing how the moon catches the sides of a woman's face…

She hasn't answered yet.

"No more dreams?"

Again her blazing gaze targets my eyes, my face, and my folded arms.

"…Raven…" I say softer now. I don't know why my voice quakes when she stares at me like that, but it melts me in pity and guilt beyond anything I've ever known.

"…what…just say it and leave. I really don't feel like going five rounds tonight." Any other visit I would just think it her stubborn side was to blame, but today, she looks beaten, she looks pale and worried. Maybe she's been having the same dreams I've been having. Slade in all his rage, tearing and pulling the life from friends, loved ones.

"…robin…" Maybe I shouldn't tell her.

"Cyborg thinks you are strong enough to join the team in missions." Crap that came out too quickly

She clutches her cloak to her body.

"Fantastic. I'll go meditate then." Her voice is still so quiet, so complacent. There was no excitement, no sense of encouragement for the "good news".

"I… I don't think you should." She stops her movement and looks up, arms folded. This is gonna be rough.

"Fine, I'll meditate later."

"You know what I meant." Why does she play these games? She knows I can see her pain still lingering in the back of her eyes. She knows I can see her frailty still.

"Yea. I did, you prick." What did she just call me!

"What!" I clench fists tightly. With each breath from her mouth I can feel the control on my anger quickly passing beyond my grasp.

"You heard me." She is fucking ridiculous. All we do is care for her, worry for her, and cover for her! And this is what she does in repayment, she calls me a prick, she shows me the coldness of her shoulder!

"Robin, your tantrums are starting to get on my nerves." She brushes past me.

When the door slams in my face a second time the anger pours about my body is white hot pain. I slam my fist into my favorite wall. Now there is a new hole for me to ponder.


Morning, Afternoon, Evening. It seems a frigid blur. My skin is always on edge. Noises, voices they all seem to irritate me in a way that can only be described by the grinding of teeth.

I feel my hands form fists more and more often. Even simple questions bring about this all encompassing wretched nausea that burns into anger.

What the hell is happening to me?

This is more than guilt. It is heavier than guilt. But what could weigh more on a man's soul, what could force the breath for my chest?

This façade, of normalcy, this god damn mask. More than a thin strip of black, it's a wall. It blocks and repeals. I feel trapped, but when I scream the sound reverberates and becomes a cacophonous symphony.

"Got any sevens?" My eyes flash quickly to Beast Boy's hands, playing cards held with in. I am going insane. That is the only explanation. It is madness that is creeping over me.

"Yo dude… you in the game or not?" Calm Robin, calm.

"No sevens. Go fish." And the game continues. I look around the room; it's like any other slow afternoon. Idleness takes over us too quickly sometimes. I hate to be still.

But still ness is not the cause to my unmitigated rage. It's her, it is her stillness. She is sitting on the couch, reading a book, away from the rest of the team.

The count… it's at 10 days. It has only been 10 days ago that I found her body on her bathroom. Almost a month since Slade came back. It is all back to normal according to Cyborg. She has been on two missions. She has her powers. She has small scars. She seems normal.

We are not normal, we have never been normal. She is at every breakfast, every training session, spending every moment she possibly can by our sides. She is no longer quiet.

Something is wrong.

You can't just go back to the way things were. He changes everyone.

If it wasn't for Starfire's begging and pleading I wouldn't be sitting here right now playing this stupid game. I would be at my computer or training, something, anything to find Slade.

There is no way she can be over Slade. Slade poisons the mind. And what is worse is that I know her nightmares still haunt her. I fear she will let them take control of her, like they are doing to me.

And she won't talk to me! I know we have a connection, she knows my mind and I am beginning to see hers. Why can't she trust me? I just want to know her heart, her mind.

Her body sprawled on the floor.

I see it almost every night in my dreams.

Guilt.

I almost let another person be taken by Slade because I was too weak to stop him.

And that symbol on his head. His new powers.

What could it all mean? And Raven, why her? Why pick her?

That man. That fucking man.

I feel the tightening of my hands, the tension on the cards slowly bends them.

I'm not stupid Raven. I know your mind must be as chaotic as my own. But go ahead and fool the others, you can't hide from me. Ha.

I turn to her. She is in her lotus position, slightly hovering above the couch. Her eyes fixed on her book…

No..

Her eyes are dilated… fixed on the…window.

"Friend Robin, are you okay?" I turn back to the concerned eyes of the remainder of the Titans, sitting around the game table.

"Yea… um…sorry. Was it my turn?" Their looks grow more confused

"No way, man. I won!" Beast boy grabs greedily at the remainder of cards. Shit. Star and Cyborg are starring at me now. And I'm pretty sure I can feel the burrowing eyes of Raven in the back of my head.

"I'm tired guys. If the game is over I think I'm gonna head back to my room."

"Tired? Robin it is merely three in the afternoon of day." Starfire clutches my arm. Cyborg narrows his eyes at mine, trying to see right through me, trying to tear away my wall in small hits.

"I'm fine Star. See you all for dinner." That's good, sound smooth. Now smile. Good a slight smile threw her off.

I turn to the window, to where Raven's attention once lay.

Nothing. Just blue sky, white clouds.

Okay, now walk out of the room…

Don't look at Raven, Don't look at Raven.