Away From Me

Title: Away From Me
Author: jracklesfan77
Show: DA
Genre: Songfic
Pairing: M/A
Type: Stand Alone
Summary: 494 comes to a sad realization

"Away From Me"
(by: Evanescence)

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll

494 was fighting for breath. The water swirling around him was hard and cold. He struggled to stay conscious. The alternative was not an acceptable option. His foot was chained to the base of the tank.

I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds

He wouldn't give them the pleasure of seeing how much they made him suffer. One day he would be free of them, of the horrors, torture and hurt.

But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to

He knew, felt it in his gut, deep in his heart, that Manticore was wrong. They had told him it was in defence of the country, that it was the right thing to do. But 494 knew better now. He knew that he was being used, manipulated and made to carry out acts that should never be committed. Not by him, not by his fellow soldiers.

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

His last mission, the one he was being punished for presently, he had failed. That he'd failed Command he couldn't care less. But he'd failed her. He deserved to die for what he did; he should be punished for it. Killing the girl he loved. Rachel. A gentle, innocent soul with a passion for life that had overwhelmed him, frightened him and had been his rebirth.

And I, I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created

He woke in a solitary cell, drenched in sweat and alone in his bed in the bright, white room. "What have I done?" he whispered brokenly. The perfect soldier now a shell of a man, hollowed by pain, guilt and grief. "Rachel, I'm sorry!"

I'm longing to
be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

As much as he dreaded the nightmares, Rachel's sweet smile and beautiful face comforted him for a few precious moments before disappearing in a cloud of fire, smoke and piercing screams. He longed for those moments, when he heard her whisper, "I love you." And he was able to find shelter, a sanctuary in his mind.

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins

He was lethal, a killer, a virus infecting those he cared about. And there was no cure. No cure for the murder and devastation he'd wreaked on thousands. No cure for the remembrance, the faces, the cries that haunted his dreams. No cure for the guilt he carried with him every waking minute.

I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed

She had taught him to love. From Rachel 494 had learned the true meaning of loss, of joy, of sorrow. A range of emotions that were a part of life; part of life he hadn't known existed. She had shown him what it meant to feel, and to care.

I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

He shut his eyes to block out the light. 494 felt self-disgust, self-hated, self-loathing. "It should have been me!" he cried, pounding his fists against the concrete wall.

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

494 lay back on his cot and stared at the ceiling. More torture would come tomorrow. And he would face another day, gladly accepting the punishment that would never fit the crime. He welcomed the pain that would come and chase away her face. She had never really known him, had never known 494. Only Simon. And Simon was a lie. His whole life was a lie.

His body ached from the stresses of the day, his mind equally fatigued and tormented by memories. The tank, the pit, electric shock, laser beams, images of the people he'd killed. They flashed in his head still, a never-ending slideshow of death and despair. And he was so tired, so very tired.

- FIN -

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