This Thing Called Life

Chapter 7- What It All Comes To

The two thoroughly exhausted teams quickly scattered to their respective quarters upon returning to Terminal City. Joshua stayed with 452, sensing her need for comfort. But she largely ignored him, too deeply entrenched in her thoughts to notice anything around her.

They had been sitting quietly on the roof for quite some time. Joshua was content to just be there for her. But finally, 452 turned to Joshua and urged quietly.

"You go on to bed, Big Fellah. I'm just gonna sit here for a while."

Joshua gave her a quick hug before going back inside. She looked after him thoughtfully. The events of the evening were catching up to her and the weight of loss fell heavily upon her. She needed to talk, she needed someone to listen. But she didn't want words of comfort or sympathy. And she knew she couldn't deal with anyone's pity. That left one person she could unburden herself to.

Rising slowly to her feet, she made her way downstairs and over to Med Bay . 452 opened the door to Alec's room and tread softly so as not to wake him. He'd been through a terrible ordeal and she hadn't helped make his brief moment of consciousness any easier. 452 knew she had handled herself badly, that he'd been trying to help her. But she hated being told what to do, especially when she was in the right.

Pulling up a chair she took a seat by his bedside. She grasped Alec's hand in hers and sat for a while, content to just touch him. He was sleeping deeply; the steady rise and fall of his chest had a soothing effect on her ragged nerves. 452 laid her head down on Alec's shoulder. Her heartbeat lulled to match his and as she felt her body calm, she began to speak softly.

"Ever since the escape I've held on to the dream that I would find my family again. I never gave up hope; it was the one thing that kept me going no matter what shit came my way. I've seen so many people that I love die. Jack, Eva, Tinga. Manticore took them from me. Then there was Ben. Killing him was the hardest thing I've ever done. And I can't shake the guilt.I wish I could have done something, anything else to save him. But life threw me crappy choices. It was the lesser evil. And so I did what I had to do. I allowed myself to take charge of Max. And I killed my brother."

Max was struggling within and 452 was wearing down. Emotions were not something 452 did well. She dealt well with revenge or anger. But guilt wasn't something she could afford to dwell on. Max was making headway.

"Later, the whole thing with Zack nearly killed me. Not only had I lost so many of my siblings, I made a decision to wipe Zack's memory so that he wouldn't hurt Logan . And then I sent him to live on a farm. A FARM! My brother, a fantastic soldier, a terrific CO, is shovelling manure and planting fields. That's what it comes down to. I chose my not-like-that boyfriend over my own brother. What kind of soldier am I, what kind of sister? Abandoning my unit, my family? Ironically, he's the only family I have left now."

Keeping his eyes firmly shut, Alec listened intently. He heard the change in her tone and sensed the inner battle she was waging. And his heart broke for her.

"Renfro once told me I was poison. That I hurt everyone I love. And she was right. Look what I've done. Killed one brother and sent another away with no memory of who or what he is. Then some bad ass cult loony wanted to get to me. He knew how to do it; he went straight for the heart. My friends were captured, tortured, raped and killed because of me.

"And worst of all," her voice lowered to a whisper, "I can't even trust myself anymore. I used to be able to take care of myself. I hid from Manticore for over ten years, staying off the radar and even managing to lead a semi-decent life. But I let myself become too soft, too human. I forgot who I really am, where I'm from, what I can do, what I was trained to be. And the only way I was able to get through all this, this…insanity, was to lose my mind and become the monster I've tried so hard to hide.

"Oh god, Alec, what have I done?"

Come on Maxie, you can do this. You don't need her anymore. Come back to us, to me.

Alec knew the same as any Manticore soldier, that sometimes you had to depend on your instincts to get through tough situations; situations that any normal human would find too difficult or simply too terrifying. Having heard her words earlier, he'd tried to reason with her. Get her to see that losing herself to 452 was potentially dangerous. But he'd been too weak to fight her. Max had to come back to herself. He couldn't lose her like this.

He tightened his hold on her hand and spoke with sincerity and conviction.

"You did what you had to do, Max. You relied on instinct. Even if it was the basic, most primal urges that drove you, you did what you felt needed to be done. You can't beat yourself up over it, Maxie. I would have done the same, any of us would have."

452 picked her head up and stared at him, weighing his response. She briefly mulled over his words, but quickly rejected them. The shield that had almost come down slammed back in place. Her eyes glazed over and took on a faraway look. Alec knew he'd lost her again.

"Fuck instinct. Fuck weakness. I'm tired of being weak. Someone attacked my friends, my family. They were a threat and I took them out. You're right, I have no reason to beat myself up about it. I didn't do anything wrong." She looked at him for a moment before removing her hand and getting to her feet.

"And there's one last thing I have to take care of." Max moved toward the door.

"Where are you going, Max?" Alec asked in surprise.

What could you possibly have to do at this hour of the night?

She turned slowly and replied flatly. "I'm going to tie up some lose ends. Logan 's gonna pay."

Alec looked after her in surprise. What did Logan have to do with any of this?

She can't possibly think…Oh god!

TBC

Chapter 8