Short Summary: Jack spills his secret out to Grace meanwhile Will breaks the news to Vince about Irene. "ONE HOUR SPECIAL!"
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Busy cooking) Grace….
GRACE: (Watching TV) Yeah.
WILL: Help me.
GRACE: Yeah I didn't like that show either (Changes the channel)
WILL: I mean HELP ME!
GRACE: (Jumps) Oh! Oh…..sorry. (Runs to the kitchen and starts plucking Will's eyebrow as he stirs)
WILL: Careful not to get the hairs in the soup)
GRACE: I know I know (Takes out a plastic bag and holds it under Will's nose)
JACK: So this is what a Hindu God looks like doing housework.
WILL: Jack today is very important day.
JACK: So you're coming out to Vince it's 10 AM and you're already making dinner? Last time I looked at a calendar Thanksgiving was months away.
WILL: Today is the day I tell Vince Irene is my daughter.
JACK: I don't see how that's a big deal I mean I never got so serious with a guy that I introduced him to Elliot other than Stuart.
WILL: You never got serious with another guy period with an exception of Stuart.
JACK: Ok you can take your insults and stick it up your-
IRENE: (Comes in) Hi daddy!
JACK: Hi baby!
IRENE: (Smiles) Hi other daddy…..
WILL: Irene!! Come help me stir.
IRENE: Ok. (Goes to the kitchen and starts helping Will cook)
WILL: Thanks (Goes and sits down in the den watching TV as Grace follows continuing plucking and sighs, relaxing)
IRENE: (Confused)
KAREN: (Comes in and looks at Irene) Hi Will. (Goes over to the den) Irene, Grace. (To Jack) Smitty, get me 2 martinis and a bowl of olives. Here's a syringe thingy (takes out a needle) soak the olives in salt water and fill the juices back up with vodka. Thanks ("shoots" Jack and winks)
JACK: (Confused at first then nods)
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs.
GRACE: (Stacking rolls of cloths against the wall)
JACK: (Comes in) Hey G- have you seen Kare?
GRACE: She left for lunch a minute ago I bet if you stay you can catch her in a couple of hours.
JACK: No that's ok but can I hang out?
GRACE: Hang out? With me?
JACK: Yeah.
GRACE: (Amazed) Sure.
JACK: (Sits next to Grace)
GRACE: (Smiles) This is nice I cant remember the last time we bonded.
JACK: Yeah great, sure, whatever, uh huh. (Smiles) That's a nice looking blueprint you got going on there.
GRACE: This isn't a blue print I am actually doing an abstract drawing.
JACK: Oh I get it…..looks like a penis.
GRACE: It's supposed to be abstract of…..
JACK: Of what?
GRACE: A penis. (Takes it back)
JACK: I like, I feel it, uh huh, I get it.
GRACE: Jack what do you want?
JACK: Nothing.
GRACE: No really.
JACK: (Shrugs)
GRACE: What? You can tell me.
JACK: No.
GRACE: Ok…..
JACK: I mean I would like someone to know but Irene and Karen are out doing something…..I would like a shoulder to lean on…..a female shoulder. Someone who gets me and could keep a secret. I mean I've never been in this situation before-
GRACE: Either tell me or shut up.
JACK: I love Will.
GRACE: WHAT?
JACK: WHAT?
GRACE: WHAT?
JACK: WHAT?
GRACE: WHAT?
JACK: WHAT?
GRACE: (Beat) WHAT?
JACK: WHAT?
GRACE: (Closes her eyes and winces) Oh no, no, no…..
JACK: Please don't tell.
GRACE: (Puts her hand on her chest) I just swallowed my puke. I just swallowed my sick, you happy now Jack?
JACK: I didn't mean to UGH!
WILL: (Comes in) Look who brought samples from tonight's dinner!!
JACK: Hi Will.
WILL: Hey Jack.
JACK: You look good.
WILL: (Looks at him weird)
JACK: Yeah your third chin is slimming down a bit.
WILL: Much better (Kisses him on the cheek)
JACK: (Leaving) I'm going to go to the café and chat with Irene so yeah.
WILL: I brought a spoonful of Manhattan chowder, a flake of a biscuit and a spoonful of potatoes.
GRACE: Wow when you said samples you were literal.
WILL: Yeah I have to go back in 15 minutes to reheat everything and make lasagna.
GRACE: This is so great. Ok bye.
WILL: Wait, wait, wait, where are you going?
GRACE: I am going to…..gossip and see how many people believe I'm only 20.
WILL: Fantastic.
GRACE: Oh I'm being rude aren't I? OK (Eats all the samples and kisses Will) Bye!
SCENE III: Café
IRENE: You what?
JACK: I know, I know it's so "Friends" I know.
IRENE: Jack this is huge. Bigger than the Vince thing!
JACK: I know I have no idea how to tell him
IRENE: Wait don't be so hasty. Him and Vince are getting serious you cant just…..Eh!
JACK: I know I cant but you know once Vince knows you're his daughter it's going to be official. Vince is your second daddy.
IRENE: Ugh I don't want Vince to be my dad, I want you!
JACK: I know you do but that's not the answer either because then we cant make out everyday.
IRENE: Good point. I'll talk Will out of tonight.
JACK: No you cant don't you see how into dinner he is? It's like making a homo like women again.
IRENE: Jack, trust me…..(giggles) I'm going to have Jack as a daddy!
JACK: Sh (spits)
IRENE: (Wipes her eye) And time for me to get to work.
GRACE: (Comes in) Jack.
JACK: (Looks around)
GRACE: JACK!
JACK: (Jumps)
GRACE: (Sits with him) Looks mister you don't tell me you have feelings for Will and just skip out.
JACK: I ran out
GRACE: YOU SKIPPED. Look that's not the point I want to know why you like him and just everything. EVERYTHING.
JACK: Ok (beat) just give me a second to think (beat) Ok (beat)
GRACE: Come on!
JACK: Pushing goes no where! Now I am going to stall for one more minute because you did that. (Beat) Ok ever since that time on the boat with Karen and two filled popcorn tin of Stan. I knew something happened that night and we were so close becoming an item before Karen came in and assured us all we did was cuddle and fart.
GRACE: Man I wish I had a person who'd stay and deal with my farts.
JACK: (Looks at her weird) anyways there's been signs and maybe I'm desperate and lonely at this moment but-
GRACE: Jack, Will's your best friend. Think this over can you picture you being me?
JACK: (Big eyes) No…
GRACE: Right and you call him my husband. If you're his wife you're me.
JACK: (Squirms)
GRACE: Yeah so can we just keep this quiet for tonight?
JACK: I don't think you get it, when Will tells Vince he has a daughter than means it's serious, they're serious.
GRACE: Because they are. Think about it this way, if you were to be with a man you loved so much he knows and understands about Elliot.
JACK: Stuart, I told Stuart.
GRACE: Yes exactly, what if Will had a thing with you back then?
JACK: I would have shrugged it off and said he cant have me.
GRACE: That's what Will's going to do. Guaranteed….
JACK: Guaranteed?
GRACE: (Nods) Definitely. So let's just wait and see what happens you might be lucky and find that Will and Vince break up in the future.
JACK: But what if that doesn't happen? What if this is my last chance?
GRACE: Then to be really honest, it wasn't meant to be. I'm sorry. But I can see why you like him. You've known him your whole life and now he might be out of your grasp forever. I remember Will feeling like that about me when I met Leo. It happens…..
JACK: Yeah ok (sad) I-I would really like it if Karen or Will never hear about this.
GRACE: Why not Karen?
JACK: She'll just taunt me and be really inconsiderate.
GRACE: (Rubs his back) Ok so you told Irene?
JACK: Yeah.
GRACE: What she say?
JACK: N-nothing important. (Forces out a smile)
GRACE: (Smiles back) Ok I left my studio unlocked with a gay lawyer off his leash I should probably make my way back.
JACK: Yeah.
GRACE: Are you sure you're-
JACK: I'm fine.
GRACE: Ok I'll see you tonight at dinner (leaves)
IRENE: (Comes back) I overheard. So what are you going to do?
JACK: I am going to think it over all this attention is overwhelming me.
IRENE: I'll pay for your order.
JACK: Thanks I'll see you tonight.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Setting the table) Where's Irene? She's late…..
GRACE: Don't worry she probably had to bus tables from late customers.
WILL: I need her to set the table.
GRACE: Uh Will, see how I am putting bowls on the table? Is this not "setting"?
WILL: It is and you're doing a great job but Irene does it better. (Adjusts some bowls) She doesn't shove all the food on her side of the table.
JACK: (Sitting on the couch, reading a magazine)
WILL: Jack.
JACK: I already told you I'm not helping.
WILL: I know but lately you've been looking off.
JACK: My Johnson's up?
WILL: (Winces) No Mr. Kitty in heat. You look sick. (Feels his forehead) I don't know what's with you. You haven't insulted me much, you tried your best not to annoy me.
JACK: Yeah I guess you're right I MUST be physically sick. (Rolls his eyes)
WILL: Oh it's that time of the month.
JACK: (Scoffs and leaves, slamming the door)
WILL: What's his problem?
GRACE: I don't know but something tells me you should be more sensitive towards him.
WILL: Yeah I guess I was a little harsh with him. But I was just playing.
GRACE: It doesn't matter, what matters is how the other person takes it.
WILL: Why do you care?
GRACE: I've always cared.
WILL: Not this much. Is something up? Is Jack planning to ruin my night?
GRACE: Will, if anything, he's trying to make it your best.
WILL: If you say so.
SCENE V: Hallway
IRENE: (Gets off of elevator and sees Jack at Jacques) Hey you're looking blue.
JACK: Will kind of taunted me.
IRENE: Aw…..want to come into my apartment?
JACK: Arent you going to Will's?
IRENE: Yeah but I'm not ready, I'm going to shower and change.
JACK: Oh ok.
IRENE: Come on (takes his hand and drags him into her apartment)
JACK: Wow…..empty.
IRENE: Well I did just move in.
JACK: You have no furniture what-so-ever where do you sleep?
IRENE: I sneak into your apartment at 2 AM to sleep on your couch and leave at 5.
JACK: Oh you know I'd let you-
IRENE: I know but I want to pretend I am independent.
JACK: (Sits on a box)
IRENE: Want to talk about it? (Messes with his hair)
JACK: You know I'm probably making it too big of a deal I'll just huff it off.
IRENE: Ok I'm going to go shower now-
JACK: No come here (Pouts)
IRENE: (Hugs him) It's ok, lets just follow Grace's advice and keep it quiet…..just tonight, ok? You can tell him tomorrow I mean sure that'll confuse him and ultimately destroy a bit of him & Vince's relationship but I have a feeling you cant wait until they separate.
JACK: I cant.....
IRENE: Things are getting too serious between them two, I know.
JACK: (Sighs and lets go of Irene)
IRENE: Where's Karen? You know I haven't seen her all day.
JACK: She called me an hour ago saying that she was going to go rabbit hunting with Rosario and make her a new coat. (Laughs and then sighs)
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Setting the last plate)
IRENE: (Comes in) Hey…..I'm too dressed up. (Happy to sad)
WILL: That's ok you look good! I'm going to switch into a suit soon and Grace are you going to wear that?
GRACE: What's wrong with what I'm wearing?
WILL: It makes you look bloated.
GRACE: Oh you mean fat?
WILL: No.
IRENE: What Will means is that you look like crap, go change into something that looks good.
WILL: NO!
GRACE: (Shrugs) Ok.
WILL: How do you do that and not make her spit on you?!?
IRENE: I have a gift with words.
JACK: (Comes in dressed in a suit)
WILL: Hey good looking, please tell me that's not my suit.
JACK: No it's my graduation suit and your power tie.
WILL: Ok that works. My turn to change! (Runs to his bedroom)
IRENE: (Turns Jack around) Bend down.
JACK: Whoa, if I am going to be your second daddy-
IRENE: Just do it.
JACK: (Gets on his knees)
IRENE: (Fixes his tie and hair) so have you decided what you're going to do?
JACK: I just want to get your opinion on this- IF I just so happen to declare my love to William Truly fat man, what would his response be?
IRENE: (Shakes her head) I don't know. It's not like he would be like, "Oh Jackie finally all these years" or anything like that. But somewhere deep inside Will.....he has feelings for you I am so sure of it.
JACK: (Stands up) so when should I tell Will that I love him?
IRENE: (Looks over Jack's shoulder and sees Will and whispers) he's behind you.
JACK: Really?
IRENE: Yeah…
JACK: (Loud, fake) so when should I tell Will that I love his little daughter you!! (Picks up Irene and turns around) Oh hi Will I didn't see you there. (Lets Irene down, beat) How long have you been standing there?
WILL: Long enough. Now I might not have cleaned my ears out since two days ago but did you say you love me?
JACK: Don't be full of yourself you're not that cute.
IRENE: (Smiles) you change quicker than Grace.
WILL: It takes Grace a day to get dressed.
IRENE: I'm just going to go over to the den. (Jerks Jack over there too) He knows just stop being such a macho, Will-hating Jack and be the sensitive Will-loving Jack. I mean yes it'll screw things up for him and Vince but who knows?!? You two can hit it off, you two have history and friendship.
JACK: What if this wrecks everything? I mean we're friends but what if we do hook up but we break up. Then what?
IRENE: You have to be a risk-taker sometimes. It's up to you. (Goes over to the dinner table and sets silverware)
WILL: (Still standing in the living room, gaping)
JACK: (Cautiously steps out of the den) hey.
WILL: Jack…..
JACK: Ok so you caught me but believe me I busted my booty trying to keep my mouth shut tonight just so you can get married peacefully.
WILL: I just want you to know that this changes nothing.
JACK: (Nods)
WILL: I still love Vince and this night is still going to be a serious step in me and Vince's relationship!
IRENE: (Sighs to herself)
JACK: (Nods) Well at least you know now I can be open about it.
WILL: Not tonight we'll talk about it later.
GRACE: (Comes back out, dressed) How do I look?!?
EVERYONE: (Flatly) great.
GRACE: I missed some kind of drama didn't I?
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
VINCE: (Eating) I don't see what the big occasion is, it looks like thanksgiving.
EVERYONE: (Smiles and fake laughs, obvious no one is in the mood in having this dinner anymore)
VINCE: So Irene it's nice seeing you again.
IRENE: Yeah it's nice seeing you too how are the crimes?
VINCE: I pulled over this guy and hit the jackpot.
IRENE: (Smiles and nods) what does that mean?
WILL: Vince says jackpot to describe a guy driving over speed limit with bags of pot in the back.
IRENE: Oh it's a play of words…..clever.
(No one laughs and it's still silent)
GRACE: Vince, you look good. Been working out?
VINCE: Yeah.
GRACE: (Beat) you're supposed to comment me now (smiles)
VINCE: Your Valentino dress is making me want to go drag.
GRACE: (Laughs and tosses hair into Irene's face, snorting)
IRENE: (Scoots over more towards Jack)
WILL: (Chews angrily on his food and glares at Irene)
IRENE: (Whispers to Jack) I feel really bad.
JACK: Since when did Will get x-ray vision?
WILL: Ok I think we had enough of dinner.
VINCE: Yeah I'm pretty stuffed I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Krispy Crème before I came here.
WILL: (Smiles and laugh) Listen Vince, I didn't know how to tell you…..this is the reason of the whole dinner. Um….. (Looks at Irene and looks at Jack, seeing them holding hands and shakes his head) Um…..Vince, remember how I said Irene was my niece?
VINCE: Yeah?
WILL: She isn't.
VINCE: Oh is that it? You made all this trouble just to tell me you told me a little white lie?
WILL: No there's more to that. (Beat and looks at Grace looking supportive, giving a nod.) But before I tell you I have to talk to Grace.
GRACE: (Gets dragged by Will over to the den) What tell him!
WILL: What if I am right?
GRACE: What?
WILL: What if Jack's right? What if by telling Vince I have a kid I'd be marrying him?
GRACE: I know this is serious…..I mean this is huge! Do it…..I mean (closes her eyes and think) What if Jack had told you that he had feelings for you after you told Vince. Would it change anything? Did the past 20 minutes change anything?
WILL: (Thinks)
GRACE: It's up to you…..you think about it. Go. I'll stall.
WILL: (Goes to his bedroom)
GRACE: (Sits and smiles all around and gives a little nod to Irene)
IRENE: (Stands up) Excuse me. (Follows Will)
(In Will's bedroom)
IRENE: Dad?
WILL: (Already sitting in bed with hands on his forehead)
IRENE: (Smiles a little) I'm sorry, Will.
WILL: It's not your fault. (Strokes Irene's arm)
IRENE: Please don't say that Jack confused you.
WILL: (Shrugs)
IRENE: We did our best to keep it from you…..just from tonight.
WILL: I know you did, sweetie.
IRENE: (Sits on the bed with Will and puts her head on his shoulder) what are you going to do now?
WILL: I don't know, I mean, I don't like Jack…..at least I don't think I have any feelings for him. But now I'm wondering if I do.
IRENE: If you don't, you don't, it's ok, Will. You want my advice?
WILL: Yes?
IRENE: Don't make this night a waste. Tell Vince and if later on you know absolutely sure that Jack is more than a friend then it'll still be ok.
WILL: Meaning?
IRENE: Either way, you have two men who love you and would give anything to be with you. You just have to choose. (Leaves Will alone)
GRACE: All I am saying is that if we have free of speech why do you guys say, "You are under arrest anything you SAY or do can and will be held against you in a court of law."
VINCE: It's just so we can get the person to shut up.
GRACE: What if he doesn't want to shut up?
VINCE: We'd put the cuffs on super tight and hope that when he's entering our squad car he hits his head on the metal gate between front and back seat. I mean after you hear 50 people saying they did nothing wrong it gets pretty annoying so we get frustrated.
IRENE: (Sits down and smiles as Will comes out of his bedroom)
WILL: (Sits down) Hi.
VINCE: Hey fluffer nugger.
WILL: (Laughs) don't call me that in front of my daughter.
VINCE: What? (Smile disappears)
WILL: (Sighs and winces) I meant to break the news to you in a more formal way.
VINCE: Who's your daughter?
IRENE: (Sinks into her seat and raises her hand) That's why I resemble Will so much.
VINCE: I cant believe this!
WILL: Sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
VINCE: No I can't breathe. (Gasping) my throat is closing up.
WILL: Oh come on it's not that bad.
VINCE: Seriously!
EVERYONE: (Starts panicking)
WILL: Someone call the ambulance!
GRACE: (Gets the phone)
VINCE: I cant breathe, I cant breathe.
WILL: Jack, you're a nurse do something!
JACK: I cant perform CPR if the air pathway's closed, he must have gotten an allergic reaction!!
WILL: Vince, everything's going to be ok, keep concentrating on your breathing.
SCENE VIII: Hospital
WILL: (Comes out) He's allergic to peanut oil and I put a pinch in the soup.
JACK: He's going to be ok though right?
WILL: Yeah just a mild reaction.
GRACE: Wow…..what's worst than having this reaction from your partner after telling him you have a kid?
WILL: Thanks Grace.
GRACE: I'm just saying. I'll never see another peanut the same way again.
JACK: (Laughs)
GRACE: Not that kind- oh forget it.
KAREN: (Sees them sitting in the patient's room) Gang?
JACK: Karen! Oh my goodness, what happened to you?
KAREN: (Arm in sling) I was picking up a rabbit that I caught with the good ol' carrot-box trap when Rosario thought I was a rabbit and shot me with a bb gun.
GRACE: If she shot you with a bb gun why is your arm in a sling?
KAREN: Oh I sprained it trying to win a bet of doing 40 shots in 20 seconds.
IRENE: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, not only physically impossible.
KAREN: Oh yeah? Want to bet on that? (Takes out a wad of cash out of her chest)
IRENE: I stand corrected.
JACK: Oh Kare, is it bad?
KAREN: (Laughs) Oh no, the doctor gave me pain killers and instructed me to take 20 a day.
GRACE: What?
JACK: (Holding the bottle) It says 2.
KAREN: Honey, that was a typo, see the 0 written in pen after the 2?
JACK: Oh….. (Realizing)
KAREN: So why is the gay parade here?
GRACE: Will poisoned Vince.
WILL: What? I did not! I didn't know he was allergic to peanut oil! And this isn't my fault, its Jack's!
IRENE: Will, Jack has nothing to do with your soup and peanut oil.
WILL: I know but this night has gone down the drain because of him.
GRACE: I have to be with Irene on this one, would you just cool it.
WILL: (Grunts)
GRACE: COOL IT.
KAREN: Wow times like this I just want to…..take my medication. (Takes a pill) Now what's this I hear about Jack?
JACK: Tell you later.
WILL: Jack has a crush on me.
EVERYONE: (Groans)
IRENE: We were trying to keep it from Karen.
KAREN: Que?
JACK: No offence Kare, but I tell you everything and I would like a few secrets of my own.
KAREN: And share it with Dorothy and Scarecrow?
IRENE: Which one's which?
KAREN: (Thinks) Eh, it could go either way. (Beat) Oh Jackie, I knew you were lonely but I didn't know you were this lonely.
JACK: That's just the thing! I mean every time I do something you disapprove you get on my ass like…..an ass!
KAREN: Donkey?
JACK: It could go either way.
KAREN: Jack if its support that you want (beat) you were right about not coming to me.
JACK: (Huffs)
KAREN: But to be perfectly honest I have been waiting for your two kids to hook up ever since I gave birth to you.
WILL: (Confused) we are not hooking up.
IRENE: Dad, can you be more sensitive?
WILL: No because Jack always has to be the center attention, now he is! What does that leave me? You know everyone has been talking and caring about only Jack and Jack's crush but what about me? Doesn't anyone here think that tonight would be super important to me?
GRACE: We did, we tried to-
WILL: Save it.
IRENE: We did, really hard. Doesn't that count for anything?
WILL: I love Vince ok? I can live without knowing Jack has feelings for me.
KAREN: Honey, so can the rest of us.
WILL: Shut up. You don't even know what happened today!
KAREN: No but I do know that the whole hospital knows you're gay now.
WILL: (Gives her a look)
KAREN: (Looks at her watch and randomly put another pill in her mouth and looks around)
GRACE: You're making this a bigger deal than it really is.
WILL: So what if I am?
IRENE: We're asking you to cool it, what's your problem?
WILL: I love Jack too!
JACK: (Gasp) I did not see that coming. (Puts a hand on his chest)
WILL: I always have but I was in denial. Have been for like a couple years now and right when I meet this guy who can be my potential life partner Jack comes to me and says that he likes me? Out of no where? This is SO "Friends!"
JACK: That's what I said.
IRENE: (Hits him)
JACK: Ow.
KAREN: Honey, don't do that, hit him in the head like this. (Hits Jack on the head)
JACK: (Spazes and calms down again)
GRACE: Ok look this is getting too soap opera-y for my taste so lets do each other a favor and…..get me a bag of chips.
IRENE: Can we just forget all of this happened.
WILL & JACK: No.
IRENE: Ok (Stands up) so what are you guys going to do next? Will are you going to dump Vince for Jack? Jack do you seriously think you can carry on a relationship with Will for more than a month? If the answer's, "Yes" then go ahead otherwise stop talking about the same situation over and over again!
JACK: I think I can at this moment but knowing my tendencies I'll probably end up hurting Will.
WILL: I can always pretend that Jack never said anything…..things ARE getting serious for me and Vince. Too serious…..
JACK: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah.
IRENE: Ok then it's settled.
VINCE: (Comes out) They put a needle through my neck…..
IRENE: Hello second daddy! (Hugs him)
VINCE: I'm not ready for this…..
END
