SCENE I: Jack's Apartment
IRENE: (Eating carrot sticks tilting her head)
JACK: (Posing in "straight" clothes) you've been staring for an hour now is it hot or not?
IRENE: (Tilts her head the other way) I'm feeling something I'm just not sure what it is. You may what to rethink those pants they make you have a huge bulge right in the "uh-huh."
JACK: (Doing a retarded voice) that's why I am wearing them.
IRENE: I don't like your arms.
JACK: What's wrong with my arms?
IRENE: They are too big, I mean I know it's all muscle (scoffs) but when you're not flexing it just looks flabby.
JACK: So should I just like flex the whole time (Flexes for her)
IRENE: (Amazed) Yeah that'll work.
KAREN: (Comes in and winces) Geez, Jack put on a shirt and proper pants you look like a male prostitute.
IRENE & JACK: That's why he's/I'm dressed like that/this.
KAREN: What da-bi-do-bi-de? Great, the homo voices are back in my head. (To Irene) Dorothy, fancy seeing you here. What are you, homeless?
IRENE: I don't have a bed in my apartment yet so I sleep on Jack's couch which would be nice if it had sheets.
JACK: (Gives her a look)
IRENE: (Smiles)
KAREN: Oh honey, all you have to do is ask! I would be happy to decorate your place!
IRENE: Karen, you're not an interior designer.
KAREN: Well I am next to one most of the day you'd think some of her cheap fabrics would rub off on me.
IRENE: No offence but I don't want my apartment be filled with pelts. I have dreams where stuff made out of real animals come to life and tries to even the score. (Looks cautiously at Karen's coat) Is that real Minx?
KAREN: (Laughs) Everything I own is real minx.
IRENE: (Scoots away from Karen)
KAREN: Oh honey, just tell me what you want and I can give it to you, free of charge.
IRENE: Really?
KAREN: No, I just wanted to see how it'd sound coming from me. (Starts spitting and sticking out her tongue.)
JACK: Well lovers I would love to stay and chat but I have to woo a man.
KAREN: I thought you were over Will.
JACK: You think I can stop just like that? (Snaps) I need to flirt and stick to him until I get sick of him and start hating him.
IRENE: If you do that wont you actually like him more and start loving him.
JACK: (Spits out his tongue) you know nothing (Leaves)
SCENE II: Irene's Apartment
KAREN: Wow so this is what your head looks like. Empty and full of air.
IRENE: Karen, I didn't invite you to insult me. You insisted that you decorate my place so I am letting you. I don't know why, but I'm letting you.
KAREN: (Covers her nose) Smells like fat men been here sweating and rotting in the sun here. (Takes out a spray bottle and sprays it everywhere and sprays a little in her mouth)
IRENE: What did you just spray all around?
KAREN: Rum the smell and taste of heaven. Ok here's what I see (Points at different parts of the room) foot, purple, leprechaun, triangle, taco bell, Barney, and some naughty things.
IRENE: You want a foot and leprechauns in my room?
KAREN: Huh? Oh no, I was just telling you that I am seeing things like Godzilla in that awful hair style of yours. (Laughs) ok here's what I actually see: a duplication of Will's apartment. There I'm done! Enjoy.
IRENE: ok that's nice; I still don't have furniture though.
KAREN: Stop badgering me! Go get Grace, I am out of here. (Leaves)
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
WILL & JACK: (Awkwardly eating lunch together)
JACK: Your potatoes are a little dry.
WILL: Put a little gravy on it.
JACK: (Does it) the meat tastes undercooked.
WILL: You're half nakedness is disturbing me.
JACK: Irene liked it.
WILL: She's straight, Jack.
JACK: (Realizing) Oh yeah….. So how is Vince?
WILL: He's doing fine. We're going out again tonight.
JACK: Nice.
WILL: (Beat) I'm sorry.
JACK: (Gets up and leaves) Me too.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
GRACE: I am almost done (Changes color pencils) Ok (Shows Irene the blue print) What do you think?
IRENE: Wow…..it's like a mix of Jack and Will's apartment.
GRACE: Well I know how comfortable you are with both of them. I got Will-like living room and kitchen, with Jack-like den and bedroom. Will-like lighting in the main areas and Jack-like lighting in the bathroom. You following on this?
IRENE: (Gaping) you lost me when you were talking about a kitchen or a dish? (Confused)
GRACE: That's ok, just leave everything it up to me, you're going to love it.
IRENE: I don't think my apartment is even that big.
GRACE: It is I am just turning your second bedroom into a study. This apartment is too big and too expensive to be owned by a waitress in a café. Who's paying your rent?
IRENE: (Beat) Leo.
GRACE: Wow I haven't heard that name in ages. I thought that apartment belonged to Old Lady Dwindle.
IRENE: Oh didn't you know she died (beat) having fun with (beat and mumbles)
GRACE: That'll explain that night when you came home I couldn't sleep. Now I can relax knowing her screams were because of her heart stopping. Aren't you a little freaked out living in a place where a person died? I would be.
IRENE: You're afraid of stepping in four cornered bathrooms.
GRACE: (Scared) I heard a ghost story. Anyways I think it's great that you are independent and taking adult-like decision-making actions.
KAREN: (Sitting at her desk) are you hitting on her?
GRACE: When did you get in here?
KAREN: I just poofed in.
GRACE: I swear she's evil.
KAREN: (Laughs)
IRENE: So when will this be done?
GRACE: (Beat) a few days.
IRENE: That fast?
GRACE: Yeah.
IRENE: Ok…..you aren't mad about Leo still hanging with me?
GRACE: Why would I be mad? You have every right to be friends with whoever you want.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
GRACE: Can you believe that?!?
WILL: Yes, yes I can.
GRACE: It's not funny.
WILL: You see me laughing?
GRACE: Will!!
WILL: Like you said, Irene can choose who she's friends with!
GRACE: Yeah but Leo?
WILL: Are you ever going to get over him?
GRACE: I need to go out.
WILL: (Nods)
GRACE: (Sighs) I need to get a boyfriend.
WILL: (Nods again)
GRACE: I'm pathetic the sound of his name always make me slip up why cant I move on?
WILL: I know it's hard, I've been there, done that.
GRACE: (Grunts) that's it I am going to put all my emotions into Irene's apartment.
WILL: That's a good idea.
GRACE: Thanks for listening, Will. (Leaves)
WILL: It's my job…..
SCENE VI: Leo's Apartment
LEO: What do you want me to do? Irene isn't ready to be all on her own.
GRACE: You are acting like you're her dad or something, you're not!
LEO: Grace we are through but that doesn't mean I cant be close with people you're close with.
GRACE: Yes it does because I cant handle it.
LEO: Why, why, why, why, why, why?
GRACE: Because, because, because, because, because, because!
LEO: I'm her godfather
GRACE: No your not, Jack is.
LEO: You can have more than one.
GRACE: Since when?
LEO: Ok I cant help it if you pick on everything I do. We met, we broke up, made a deal to stay out of each other's lives there was no rule about not seeing Irene, Will, Jack, or Karen. I have tried everything so you can be content with your life so tell me Queen Grace, what do you want me to do with Irene?
GRACE: Stop paying her rent.
LEO: She'll be homeless.
GRACE: Stop paying her rent.
LEO: You cant do this!
GRACE: Stop paying her rent!
LEO: (Beat) what will you do if I don't?
GRACE: I don't know I havent gotten that far.
LEO: I'll stop but if Irene can't find a way to make up for it I am going to continue and there's nothing you can stop me from helping her out.
GRACE: (Leaves)
SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment
IRENE: You witch!
GRACE: I know what you meant to say.
IRENE: Good! I cant believe you! I have to pay you for your interior design plus this apartment all by myself? You think I am rich? I'm poor! I can hardly buy a 3 course meal with my pay check!
GRACE: Look I just-
IRENE: Save it you are self centered you only care about yourself.
GRACE: What?
IRENE: Did you even think what would happen to me if you did that?
GRACE: (Scared)
IRENE: That's what I thought you were only thinking about yourself and your sorry divorce.
GRACE: It's more complicated than that.
IRENE: How much more?
GRACE: I don't know.
IRENE: (Looks at her watch) It's late, I'm going to bed.
GRACE: You don't need to pay me for my work.
IRENE: I know you don't get furniture for free Grace, I have to pay it's your work.
GRACE: Karen pays me everyday I don't wear a hat I can just use that.
IRENE: and my apartment? I can't ask Will or Karen, they pay Jack's.
GRACE: (Shakes her head) I'm sorry.
IRENE: You mean you aren't going to help me keep my apartment.
GRACE: (Looks guilty)
IRENE: Don't bother decorating it'll just be waste I probably can't afford to keep it.
SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment
IRENE: (Tries to get into his apartment but it's locked) Crap (Jumps and gets the key from the top part of the door and opens the door) (Turns on the living room light and sees sheets on the couch and smiles) Jack? Jack, are you awake? (Opens his bedroom door)
JACK: (Hung over) Uh…..
IRENE: (Turns him on his back) Jack, are you ok?
JACK: (Mumbles)
IRENE: (Sits on his bed) Have you been drinking?
JACK: (Waking up) Irene?
IRENE: Yeah hi.
JACK: Ugh I feel like…… (Looks under his sheets) why am I naked?
IRENE: I just got here.
JACK: What time is it?
IRENE: Only midnight. Are you ok?
JACK: No.
IRENE: Get dressed; I'll make you feel better.
JACK: Ok
IRENE: (Throws random clothes at him) (Beat) Jack?
JACK: Yeah?
IRENE: (Picks up a bra and looks at him)
JACK: Huh…..
IRENE: Who's is this?
JACK: I don't know but (looks under his sheets again) why is little Jackie wearing a rubber glove?
IRENE: (Gasps) please tell me you didn't do what I thought you did.
JACK: I cant remember a thing.
IRENE: Jack!
FRANKIE: (Comes in wearing a towel, hair wet)
IRENE: (Gasps)
FRANKIE: (Gasps)
JACK: (Gasps)
IRENE: Who are you?
FRANKIE: I'm Frankie who are you?
IRENE: I don't think I need to introduce myself.
FRANKIE & IRENE: Jack!
IRENE: Excuse me you don't have the right to say his name.
FRANKIE: Uh I don't even know you I have my own rights.
IRENE & FRANKIE: Jack, tell her.
IRENE: (Glares at her and gives her, her clothes) I think these belong to you.
FRANKIE: I'm not leaving yet.
IRENE: Yes you are.
FRANKIE: Who are you?
IRENE: I'm Jack's hag!
FRANKIE: Well I am his lover!
IRENE: Whoa! I think I am going to puke.
FRANKIE & IRENE: Jack! (Beat) Stop that! (Start fighting)
IRENE: (Tries pushing Frankie out of the room)
FRANKIE: (Fights back)
IRENE: Ok go away for a second!
FRANKIE: Ugh!
IRENE: (Wins and locks the bedroom door and looks at Jack)
JACK: (At shock)
IRENE: (Stops being mad and starts cleaning his room)
JACK: Please tell me that girl has a weenie.
IRENE: From what I saw (shakes her head)
JACK: I think I am going to throw up.
IRENE: (Sits on the bed next to Jack) tell me you didn't do this because of Will.
JACK: (Shakes his head)
IRENE: At least tell me you meant Frankie to be a man.
JACK: (About to say something but changes his mind)
IRENE: (Looks at him weird) I don't even know you anymore. (Gets up and cleans again)
JACK: What's your deal? It's not like I am straight.
IRENE: No, no, no you were just sleeping with females for fun!
JACK: Ok now that just sounds wrong.
IRENE: I really appreciate having you in my life sometimes it's like you take care of me better than Will. But right now I look at you and I am confused. What were your intentions Jack?
JACK: I don't know.
IRENE: What, that you thought that sleeping with a woman Will would be jealous and puts you back on the straight and narrow? Or in this case the (beat) curved and wide?
JACK: I don't know!
IRENE: Jack.
JACK: I don't know! Why do I have to know why I do anything?
IRENE: (Shakes her head and leaves the room)
JACK: (Hears girls yelling and punching)
(Outside)
IRENE: Here's a little news: Your guy's a homo.
FRANKIE: If he was then why did he sleep with me?
IRENE: Maybe because you look like a man?
FRANKIE: Oh!
IRENE: (Nods) listen, how old are you?
FRANKIE: 21.
IRENE: Oh yeah that's rich, you just slept with your dad.
FRANKIE: How old are you?
IRENE: (Beat) 30.
FRANKIE: Wow that's the worst lie I have ever heard anyone say.
IRENE: Fine I'm (beat) 25.
FRANKIE: More like 16 aren't you a little young to be a hag?
IRENE: I don't know aren't you a little immature to sleep with anyone at all?
JACK: (Comes out dressed and sees Frankie and Irene fighting on the floor)
IRENE: (Pulling Frankie's hair) You little b-
FRANKIE: (Slaps her)
IRENE: Ah!
JACK: Ok! (Pulls on the girls' ears) I want you two to go to your corners and chill! (Lets go and pushes them)
IRENE: But J-
JACK: Irene!
IRENE: (Looks at him) (Beat) (Whispers) I give up. (Leaves)
JACK: (Looks at Frankie)
SCENE IX: Irene's apartment
JACK: (Comes in)
IRENE: (Sleeping on the floor)
JACK: (Brings in a blanket and picks Irene up and rolls her in the blanket)
IRENE: (Wakes up and looks at him) what are you doing?
JACK: I don't want you to be cold.
IRENE: I have a heater.
JACK: Sometimes that's not enough. (Beat) I know why you're disappointed. I know it's not because of the whole Will thing.
IRENE: What?
JACK: Ugh how can I explain this? We're Will and Grace. Ever heard of the story?
IRENE: I am the story.
JACK: Ok so you know that I was your boyfriend, you turned me gay, and I go sleep with someone just like you.
IRENE: Jack you know nothing, I don't want to sleep with a grandpa.
JACK: You know that's real hurtful, I have feelings.
IRENE: So do I. You know what I am sorry that Will doesn't like you the way you like him but by drinking and sleeping with women isn't going to do any good.
JACK: Last time I checked I was the adult.
IRENE: You are a man child. Incapable of taking care of yourself!
JACK: You sound too much like Will now.
IRENE: You are irresponsible and I wanted to help you because you are a friend and now I cant really look up to you, in fact, I cant even look at you at all.
JACK: You know out of everyone I thought you would understand the most.
IRENE: (Shakes her head)
JACK: I feel like castrating myself. You know how vaginas give me the heebes geebes.
IRENE: (Smiles a little)
JACK: Oh- I got you to smile!
IRENE: (Tries to stop) No you didn't.
JACK: Come here (hugs her) I'm sorry I wont do it again. I don't want to do it again. You want to come sleep in my apartment?
IRENE: Yes I am cold.
JACK: Ok.
BOTH: (Leaves the room)
END
