SUMMARY: Irene goes and baby-sits Hannah as Joe and Larry go on a trip meanwhile Karen goes to Jack for some help and Grace goes out with Will in search of a date. (Classic styled Will and Grace)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Opens the door)

IRENE: (On the other side of the door) Hey (Kisses him) I just stopped by to say bye before I go and sleep over at Joe and Larry's.

GRACE: Can you believe they have been committed for like 3-4 years now? Where are they going for their anniversary?

IRENE: Where else? Massachusetts.

WILL: They stole our title of the gay state.

IRENE: (Nods) Ok I'll see you Friday.

GRACE: Bye, have fun!

WILL: (Closes the door) Oh- that reminds me I have a present for you.

GRACE: Yay! Wait is it Christmas?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Hanukkah?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Easter, Valentines, or Thanksgiving?

WILL: No it's just for fun. (Takes a piece of paper out of his back pocket and sits down with Grace at the table) Well?

GRACE: (Reads it) Oh my god!! You're taking me to a straight bar? You are risking getting beaten up just so I would have fun?

WILL: (Beat) (Looks scared) I never thought of it that way.

GRACE: I am kidding but you know I have no problem going to gay ones.

WILL: I just want you to get a date.

GRACE: (Beat) Have I been looking needy?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Then why do I need to get a date?

WILL: I don't know, maybe it's because you haven't shaved for weeks or brushed your teeth the past 2 days. I need a reason for you to dress up and smell nice.

GRACE: (Smile)

WILL: (Harsh sigh and stands up) so you want to go or not? (Goes to the kitchen and gets a drink)

GRACE: Yeah it'll be fun.

WILL: More than you know!

SCENE II: Jack's apartment

JACK: (Writing on a piece of paper)

KAREN: (Runs in and locks the door)

JACK: What's going on?

KAREN: (Panting and puts up her finger taking out a small sized bottle of liquor and drinks it and pants some more) I am in big trouble.

JACK: What's going on?

KAREN: You know Candance?

JACK: The girl who smells like plastic?

KAREN: Yeah her, the one I made get big-tank sized plastic shoulders.

JACK: Yeah what about her?

KAREN: Well two days ago she got me drunk at our racket ball club. Can you imagine that? Me drunk?

JACK: (Eyes big) No!

KAREN: Yes anyways we got into a game of "better than you" you know (sings) I can do anything you can do better.

JACK: Of course my life song!

KAREN: Yeah so I said that I can play a piano better than her and she doesn't know how to play so I won. Then she was like, "I have a feeling you are bluffing, you cant touch your nose without both your eyes close none the less hitting a key on a piano" and I said, "Oh yeah (Touches her forehead with her eyes close) eat that!"

JACK: Wow Kare, you sure showed her.

KAREN: Yeah but the racket-club heard us over talking and I offered me to play one song on Friday.

JACK: So? Just play for them?

KAREN: (Crosses her eyes) Have you been listening Captain Homo? I cant play the piano, I was bluffing.

JACK: Oh (All flattered) Well all you had to do was ask.

KAREN: (Clueless) Honey, what's going on? What's that? Why are you smiling and touching yourself?

JACK: I can teach you how to play the piano!

KAREN: (Amazed) you can play the piano?

JACK: I am like one of the greatest pianist of all time. (Giggles) Pianist (Laughs) that word gets me every time.

KAREN: Is this one of those things where you say you can act and write when you can't?

JACK: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: (Quickly corrects herself) really well?

JACK: Come on Kare, either you take my word for it or humiliate yourself at the club.

KAREN: Ok poodle, I trust you.

JACK: That really means a lot to me.

KAREN: So tell me, did you enjoy sleeping with a woman?

JACK: How did you know?

KAREN: You forget, my specialty is intercourse

JACK: (Shrugs) I don't really want to talk about it.

KAREN: Yeah I know how much vaginas give you the heebes geebes.

JACK: (Smirks)

KAREN: Your secret's safe with me as long as you teach me how to play the pianie. (Giggles) Pianie (Laughs) I'm funny on Ritalin.

SCENE III: Joe and Larry's Place

LARRY: I feel a little guilty having you baby-sit on such a short notice I hope it isn't much of a problem.

IRENE: Oh not at all. (Mumbles) I have no life.

JOE: Well our emergency phone number is on the fridge and we'll be back around 3 or 4 am on Friday.

IRENE: Ok

LARRY: Hannah is four, she can walk, she can talk, she still eats pennies though so keep those in your pocket. If worse comes to worse uh we got like a billion tapes of Sesame Street.

JOE: No sweets after 8 and bedtimes at 9. You do know how to cook right?

IRENE: I can make sandwiches and spaghetti.

LARRY: That's fine those are Hannah's favorite. Um what else (snaps) ice cream is dinner's desert all the time.

JOE: There are three flavors; you can help yourself at them as well. Are you sure you're going to be ok?

IRENE: How hard can it be? Now go, have fun in Massachusetts.

LARRY: Thanks, you're a lifesaver. (Leaves)

SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment

JACK: Points to a key and this key is a G.

KAREN: (Sighs and rolls her eyes)

JACK: Are you paying attention?

KAREN: (Childish voice) Yes.

JACK: Ok now I am going to point at a random key.

KAREN: C, F, A, D, G, B (beat) K

JACK: Ok you got all 7 notes wrong they were E, G, B, C, F, A, D

KAREN: This isn't working!

JACK: No, no I have another method using numbers 1-7.

KAREN: Oh Jack you know I cant count!

JACK: This isn't that hard, you're just not trying!

KAREN: At least I can play the C scale!

JACK: A monkey can play a C scale!

KAREN: (Gasps)

JACK: Fine just forget the ABCs the 123s will be easier just trust me!

KAREN: Ok.

JACK: You place your right hand like this.

KAREN: (Does it) yeah.

JACK: I'm letting you have middle C.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Go up an octave!

KAREN: What-da-bi-ka-ti-to?

JACK: (Moves hand for her) There. Now your left hand like this, pinky on C.

KAREN: I thought we were using 123s.

JACK: Fine pinky on 1.

KAREN: (Does it)

JACK: On the right hand the thumb is one and the pinky is five. (Plays 5 notes)

KAREN: (Does it)

JACK: On the left the pinky is one and the thumb is five so it's backwards.

KAREN: (Plays it going down)

JACK: No, no, no (plays it)

KAREN: (Plays it on the right hand)

JACK: No! Damn it woman we've been at it for 2 days you'd think you'd get it right!

KAREN: Ok honey, don't yell at me or else I'm going to cut off your tongue ok? Just skip the hoopla and tell me how to play this. (Takes out a sheet of music)

JACK: This is doable.

KAREN: Oh well that's good, lets get right to it.

JACK: Let me finish this is doable if I had 12 years!

KAREN: What- Jack?

JACK: Karen you expect to be able to play this in less than a week? Keep dreaming.

KAREN: Think you're so hot? Let's hear you play it?

JACK: You think I cant?

KAREN: (Shrugs) seeing is believing.

JACK: Ok get off the bench.

KAREN: (Picks up a drink from the kitchen counter and watches)

JACK: I'm going to be sight reading so if I play something wrong cut me some slack.

KARNE: Just play, Mr. Beethoven!

JACK: (Plays)

SCENE V: Club

GRACE & WILL: (Sitting at a table at the club, drinking)

GRACE: We've been sitting here for an hour.

WILL: You bet we have I wonder what were doing wrong.

GRACE: I forget, unless we're playing a board game we have no idea how to have fun.

WILL: We ought to get Jack in here.

GRACE: (Laughs) Jack, in a straight club? That I'd like to see.

KAREN: Hey kittens!

GRACE: K-Karen what are you doing here?

KAREN: Oh, just chilling.

GRACE: (Confused) you don't "chill."

JACK: (Comes in view dancing) I found a closeted guy!

WILL: Jack!

JACK: Hello.

WILL: How did you know Grace and I will be here?

JACK: (Takes something out of his pocket) Karen and I stole your palm pilot.

KAREN: (Dancing while talking) We spent an hour laughing about Will coming into a straight bar before we came here.

JACK: How dare you come into a bar without me you know I am the source of fun!

WILL: Realize this IS a straight bar.

JACK: Notice you AREN'T. There are tons of closeted boys here. Look at him (points)

WILL: The drunken guy with the waitress's tongue in his ear?

JACK: Yeah he's been giving me the eye since we got here.

WILL: He's drunk, he has a dazed look on his face, he's been giving everyone the eye in here.

JACK: Whoops (looks away) and he just gave me the finger.

WILL: See? Now get out of here.

JACK: No, maybe that's a sign that he's interested.

KAREN: (Sighs, to Grace) see what an idiot I gave birth to?

GRACE: Jack's not your son.

KAREN: Might as well be, I breastfed him last night because he wouldn't stop crying.

GRACE: All right that's it, you two: Out!!

JACK & KAREN: What?

GRACE: You heard me, go shopping or something!

KAREN: Ok honey, lets go there's really nothing here for us anyway.

JACK: Ok (Pouts and takes out a piece of paper)

KAREN: What's that?

JACK: Nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me. Oh here (gives it to Will)

WILL: (Scoffs and rolls his eyes)

KAREN: (Secretly takes the paper and puts it in the purse)

JACK: What'd you just put in your purse?

KAREN: Oh nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me.

JACK: That's nice.

SCENE VI: Jack's Apartment

KAREN: (Plays "Do a Deer a Female Deer)

JACK: Ok that took us 2 days but that's good.

KAREN: Honey, Friday's tomorrow I can play a song from "The Sound of Music" I told them I would play this ballet.

JACK: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

KAREN: (Beat) About?

JACK: Whether or not I just get glasses with emo frames? Those are so in.

KAREN: (Hits him) Come on, snap out of it I need to learn how to play the piano!!

JACK: Hey it's not my fault you wouldn't learn ABCs or 123s I cant just TEACH you unless you know one or the other.

KAREN: Fine (Playing) ABCDEFGHIJK-

JACK: Ok first of all, it only goes up to G. Second of all you started playing at a C!

KAREN: Fine (Plays) CDEFGAB.

JACK: That time you started at an A.

KAREN: (Grunts) this is hopeless!

JACK: (Snaps) I got it!

KAREN: (Smiles)

JACK: I WILL get emo glasses.

KAREN: (Sighs harshly)

SCENE VII: Larry & Joe's place

HANNAH: (Crying)

IRENE: Ok, ok, I know you are missing your daddies, I miss mine too but you got to stop crying ok? (Waves a lollipop) I'll give you this dumdum if you stop crying!!

HANNAH: (Stomps on Irene's toe and runs off with the lollipop)

IRENE: OW! (Looks at the clock) Oh it's 8:30. Hannah, you can't eat that today!!

HANNAH: (Runs with the lollipop in her mouth)

IRENE: Oh don't run with something in your mouth!! (Phone rings and she picks up) Joe, Larry, by any chance is Hannah possessed?

WILL: Irene?

IRENE: Oh Will!!

WILL: Is everything ok over there?

IRENE: It was for the first 3 days but now she's is going nuts! I swear she's eaten so many pennies she's a human piggy bank! Now she's running around with a lollipop in her mouth and its 8:30 and she's not supposed to eat any sweets right now. She's going hyper and- (hangs up and runs off screen) don't cut your own hair you don't know how! (Beat) Don't run with scissors!

SCENE VIII: Racket-Club

JACK: Wow, this place is real nice to be a racket-club.

KAREN: It's the lounge part you dingus of course it looks all pretty and shiny. Smithy, the usual….. (Takes her martini and drinks it) Honey would you like anything to drink?

JACK: Uh sparkling cider?

KAREN: Smithy, get him the whimpy, non-alcohol, gay drink.

JACK: (Get his drink) Thank you.

KAREN: Ok since you didn't think up a plan I made one up for you.

JACK: What?

KAREN: (Puts her up to her lips) Sh….. (Giggles) remember yesterday I asked you to play the ballet for me again? Well I was wearing my panties voice recorder that day and I recorded you. Then I got Rosario to de-string the whole piano early thing morning so if I pressed a key there wont be a sound and I am going to pretend to play while playing the recording out of my thong. (Laughs) it's so sneaky and sexy all at the same time. (Laughs again) I deserve an olive (Eats the one out of her drink)

JACK: You sure it's going to work?

KAREN: (Scoffs) Yeah.

WILL & GRACE: (Enter)

GRACE: Hey sorry we're late.

KAREN: Who in the hell let you in?

GRACE: You invited us (looks past Karen) Yum beer nuts. (Goes to the bar)

WILL: She says that about all nuts.

JACK: (Giggles)

GRACE: (Comes back with the whole bowl) So Karen, you're playing the piano?

KAREN: Yeah in about 5 minutes, I thought the nut bowls were glued to the bar table.

GRACE: (Looks weird for a second) No wonder it was so hard to take off the table.

WILL: (Winces and puts his arm around Grace)

CANDANCE: (Comes in) Well hello Karen, I hope you're prepared.

KAREN: (Laughs) More than I'll ever be, hey last time I saw you I could have sworn your nose was natural.

CANDANCE: Last time I saw you I could have sworn you had more wrinkles but what do I know? That was more than a week ago.

KAREN: (Laughs and kisses her on both cheeks)

CANDANCE & KAREN: Muah, muah.

CANDANCE: I see you brought your friends well I would like to share this humiliation as well but my friends have lives.

KAREN: (Laughs) Oh you bitch. (Smiles)

CANDANCE: I am going to introduce you now.

JACK: Good luck.

KAREN: Thanks Jackie.

CANDANCE: (On microphone) Ladies and Gentlemen, yes, hello. We have a very special treat today. Our Miss Karen Walker has decided to play a ballad on the piano. So let's give her a round of applause.

KAREN: (Gets on the piano and stops) (To Audience) Wait….. (To Jack) Jackie, get over here!

JACK: (Runs up to the platform)

KAREN: My thing won't play.

JACK: What?

KAREN: (Whispers) My panties won't play!!

JACK: Ok don't panic uh….. (Runs away)

KAREN: (Smiles to the other people)

SCENE IX: Racket-Club

GRACE: What's going on? You've been sitting at the piano for like 5 minutes, play!

KAREN: I cant, I'm waiting for Jackie.

GRACE: Why?

KAREN: I don't know he's about to do something stupid.

JACK: (Comes back in out of breath) Ok I am going to go out, when you see my arm, pretend to play.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Boy, are you lucky that your racket club is right next to where I used to take Zandra's acting classes. That place had a piano I rolled it in don't worry they wont miss it I'll take it back later.

KAREN: Aw, thanks Jackie you're the best.

JACK: (Limps back out) Man, I'm smart. (Outside on cell phone) Thanks for the idea, Irene.

IRENE: (In cab) no problem.

KAREN: (Pretends to play as the sound comes from where Jack is)

SCENE X: Will's Apartment

IRENE: (Comes in) Boy what a week.

WILL: Same.

IRENE: What happened to you guys?

GRACE: (Comes in) I got me some! (Beat) Oh hi Irene (Looks awkward and goes to the kitchen)

WILL: We had to go watch Karen play the piano. She had to give her friend a thousand dollars after losing the bet but her plan was smarter than usual.

IRENE: You mean Karen faking and Jack playing for her?

GRACE: How did you know?

IRENE: I gave them that idea.

WILL: Oh yeah I thought it would have been something you would have done. How much money did you get from Joe and Larry?

IRENE: They were drunk when they got home so they gave me more than I was supposed to earn. For some reason I didn't want to tell them they were over paying me.

GRACE: So how much?

IRENE: Um…..800.

WILL: And you were supposed to get?

IRENE: 50, 10 dollars a day. I love Joe and Larry drunk!

END