SUMMARY: Irene goes and baby-sits Hannah as Joe and Larry go on a trip meanwhile Karen goes to Jack for some help and Grace goes out with Will in search of a date. (Classic styled Will and Grace)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Opens the door)
IRENE: (On the other side of the door) Hey (Kisses him) I just stopped by to say bye before I go and sleep over at Joe and Larry's.
GRACE: Can you believe they have been committed for like 3-4 years now? Where are they going for their anniversary?
IRENE: Where else? Massachusetts.
WILL: They stole our title of the gay state.
IRENE: (Nods) Ok I'll see you Friday.
GRACE: Bye, have fun!
WILL: (Closes the door) Oh- that reminds me I have a present for you.
GRACE: Yay! Wait is it Christmas?
WILL: No.
GRACE: Hanukkah?
WILL: No.
GRACE: Easter, Valentines, or Thanksgiving?
WILL: No it's just for fun. (Takes a piece of paper out of his back pocket and sits down with Grace at the table) Well?
GRACE: (Reads it) Oh my god!! You're taking me to a straight bar? You are risking getting beaten up just so I would have fun?
WILL: (Beat) (Looks scared) I never thought of it that way.
GRACE: I am kidding but you know I have no problem going to gay ones.
WILL: I just want you to get a date.
GRACE: (Beat) Have I been looking needy?
WILL: No.
GRACE: Then why do I need to get a date?
WILL: I don't know, maybe it's because you haven't shaved for weeks or brushed your teeth the past 2 days. I need a reason for you to dress up and smell nice.
GRACE: (Smile)
WILL: (Harsh sigh and stands up) so you want to go or not? (Goes to the kitchen and gets a drink)
GRACE: Yeah it'll be fun.
WILL: More than you know!
SCENE II: Jack's apartment
JACK: (Writing on a piece of paper)
KAREN: (Runs in and locks the door)
JACK: What's going on?
KAREN: (Panting and puts up her finger taking out a small sized bottle of liquor and drinks it and pants some more) I am in big trouble.
JACK: What's going on?
KAREN: You know Candance?
JACK: The girl who smells like plastic?
KAREN: Yeah her, the one I made get big-tank sized plastic shoulders.
JACK: Yeah what about her?
KAREN: Well two days ago she got me drunk at our racket ball club. Can you imagine that? Me drunk?
JACK: (Eyes big) No!
KAREN: Yes anyways we got into a game of "better than you" you know (sings) I can do anything you can do better.
JACK: Of course my life song!
KAREN: Yeah so I said that I can play a piano better than her and she doesn't know how to play so I won. Then she was like, "I have a feeling you are bluffing, you cant touch your nose without both your eyes close none the less hitting a key on a piano" and I said, "Oh yeah (Touches her forehead with her eyes close) eat that!"
JACK: Wow Kare, you sure showed her.
KAREN: Yeah but the racket-club heard us over talking and I offered me to play one song on Friday.
JACK: So? Just play for them?
KAREN: (Crosses her eyes) Have you been listening Captain Homo? I cant play the piano, I was bluffing.
JACK: Oh (All flattered) Well all you had to do was ask.
KAREN: (Clueless) Honey, what's going on? What's that? Why are you smiling and touching yourself?
JACK: I can teach you how to play the piano!
KAREN: (Amazed) you can play the piano?
JACK: I am like one of the greatest pianist of all time. (Giggles) Pianist (Laughs) that word gets me every time.
KAREN: Is this one of those things where you say you can act and write when you can't?
JACK: (Gives her a look)
KAREN: (Quickly corrects herself) really well?
JACK: Come on Kare, either you take my word for it or humiliate yourself at the club.
KAREN: Ok poodle, I trust you.
JACK: That really means a lot to me.
KAREN: So tell me, did you enjoy sleeping with a woman?
JACK: How did you know?
KAREN: You forget, my specialty is intercourse
JACK: (Shrugs) I don't really want to talk about it.
KAREN: Yeah I know how much vaginas give you the heebes geebes.
JACK: (Smirks)
KAREN: Your secret's safe with me as long as you teach me how to play the pianie. (Giggles) Pianie (Laughs) I'm funny on Ritalin.
SCENE III: Joe and Larry's Place
LARRY: I feel a little guilty having you baby-sit on such a short notice I hope it isn't much of a problem.
IRENE: Oh not at all. (Mumbles) I have no life.
JOE: Well our emergency phone number is on the fridge and we'll be back around 3 or 4 am on Friday.
IRENE: Ok
LARRY: Hannah is four, she can walk, she can talk, she still eats pennies though so keep those in your pocket. If worse comes to worse uh we got like a billion tapes of Sesame Street.
JOE: No sweets after 8 and bedtimes at 9. You do know how to cook right?
IRENE: I can make sandwiches and spaghetti.
LARRY: That's fine those are Hannah's favorite. Um what else (snaps) ice cream is dinner's desert all the time.
JOE: There are three flavors; you can help yourself at them as well. Are you sure you're going to be ok?
IRENE: How hard can it be? Now go, have fun in Massachusetts.
LARRY: Thanks, you're a lifesaver. (Leaves)
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
JACK: Points to a key and this key is a G.
KAREN: (Sighs and rolls her eyes)
JACK: Are you paying attention?
KAREN: (Childish voice) Yes.
JACK: Ok now I am going to point at a random key.
KAREN: C, F, A, D, G, B (beat) K
JACK: Ok you got all 7 notes wrong they were E, G, B, C, F, A, D
KAREN: This isn't working!
JACK: No, no I have another method using numbers 1-7.
KAREN: Oh Jack you know I cant count!
JACK: This isn't that hard, you're just not trying!
KAREN: At least I can play the C scale!
JACK: A monkey can play a C scale!
KAREN: (Gasps)
JACK: Fine just forget the ABCs the 123s will be easier just trust me!
KAREN: Ok.
JACK: You place your right hand like this.
KAREN: (Does it) yeah.
JACK: I'm letting you have middle C.
KAREN: What?
JACK: Go up an octave!
KAREN: What-da-bi-ka-ti-to?
JACK: (Moves hand for her) There. Now your left hand like this, pinky on C.
KAREN: I thought we were using 123s.
JACK: Fine pinky on 1.
KAREN: (Does it)
JACK: On the right hand the thumb is one and the pinky is five. (Plays 5 notes)
KAREN: (Does it)
JACK: On the left the pinky is one and the thumb is five so it's backwards.
KAREN: (Plays it going down)
JACK: No, no, no (plays it)
KAREN: (Plays it on the right hand)
JACK: No! Damn it woman we've been at it for 2 days you'd think you'd get it right!
KAREN: Ok honey, don't yell at me or else I'm going to cut off your tongue ok? Just skip the hoopla and tell me how to play this. (Takes out a sheet of music)
JACK: This is doable.
KAREN: Oh well that's good, lets get right to it.
JACK: Let me finish this is doable if I had 12 years!
KAREN: What- Jack?
JACK: Karen you expect to be able to play this in less than a week? Keep dreaming.
KAREN: Think you're so hot? Let's hear you play it?
JACK: You think I cant?
KAREN: (Shrugs) seeing is believing.
JACK: Ok get off the bench.
KAREN: (Picks up a drink from the kitchen counter and watches)
JACK: I'm going to be sight reading so if I play something wrong cut me some slack.
KARNE: Just play, Mr. Beethoven!
JACK: (Plays)
SCENE V: Club
GRACE & WILL: (Sitting at a table at the club, drinking)
GRACE: We've been sitting here for an hour.
WILL: You bet we have I wonder what were doing wrong.
GRACE: I forget, unless we're playing a board game we have no idea how to have fun.
WILL: We ought to get Jack in here.
GRACE: (Laughs) Jack, in a straight club? That I'd like to see.
KAREN: Hey kittens!
GRACE: K-Karen what are you doing here?
KAREN: Oh, just chilling.
GRACE: (Confused) you don't "chill."
JACK: (Comes in view dancing) I found a closeted guy!
WILL: Jack!
JACK: Hello.
WILL: How did you know Grace and I will be here?
JACK: (Takes something out of his pocket) Karen and I stole your palm pilot.
KAREN: (Dancing while talking) We spent an hour laughing about Will coming into a straight bar before we came here.
JACK: How dare you come into a bar without me you know I am the source of fun!
WILL: Realize this IS a straight bar.
JACK: Notice you AREN'T. There are tons of closeted boys here. Look at him (points)
WILL: The drunken guy with the waitress's tongue in his ear?
JACK: Yeah he's been giving me the eye since we got here.
WILL: He's drunk, he has a dazed look on his face, he's been giving everyone the eye in here.
JACK: Whoops (looks away) and he just gave me the finger.
WILL: See? Now get out of here.
JACK: No, maybe that's a sign that he's interested.
KAREN: (Sighs, to Grace) see what an idiot I gave birth to?
GRACE: Jack's not your son.
KAREN: Might as well be, I breastfed him last night because he wouldn't stop crying.
GRACE: All right that's it, you two: Out!!
JACK & KAREN: What?
GRACE: You heard me, go shopping or something!
KAREN: Ok honey, lets go there's really nothing here for us anyway.
JACK: Ok (Pouts and takes out a piece of paper)
KAREN: What's that?
JACK: Nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me. Oh here (gives it to Will)
WILL: (Scoffs and rolls his eyes)
KAREN: (Secretly takes the paper and puts it in the purse)
JACK: What'd you just put in your purse?
KAREN: Oh nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me.
JACK: That's nice.
SCENE VI: Jack's Apartment
KAREN: (Plays "Do a Deer a Female Deer)
JACK: Ok that took us 2 days but that's good.
KAREN: Honey, Friday's tomorrow I can play a song from "The Sound of Music" I told them I would play this ballet.
JACK: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
KAREN: (Beat) About?
JACK: Whether or not I just get glasses with emo frames? Those are so in.
KAREN: (Hits him) Come on, snap out of it I need to learn how to play the piano!!
JACK: Hey it's not my fault you wouldn't learn ABCs or 123s I cant just TEACH you unless you know one or the other.
KAREN: Fine (Playing) ABCDEFGHIJK-
JACK: Ok first of all, it only goes up to G. Second of all you started playing at a C!
KAREN: Fine (Plays) CDEFGAB.
JACK: That time you started at an A.
KAREN: (Grunts) this is hopeless!
JACK: (Snaps) I got it!
KAREN: (Smiles)
JACK: I WILL get emo glasses.
KAREN: (Sighs harshly)
SCENE VII: Larry & Joe's place
HANNAH: (Crying)
IRENE: Ok, ok, I know you are missing your daddies, I miss mine too but you got to stop crying ok? (Waves a lollipop) I'll give you this dumdum if you stop crying!!
HANNAH: (Stomps on Irene's toe and runs off with the lollipop)
IRENE: OW! (Looks at the clock) Oh it's 8:30. Hannah, you can't eat that today!!
HANNAH: (Runs with the lollipop in her mouth)
IRENE: Oh don't run with something in your mouth!! (Phone rings and she picks up) Joe, Larry, by any chance is Hannah possessed?
WILL: Irene?
IRENE: Oh Will!!
WILL: Is everything ok over there?
IRENE: It was for the first 3 days but now she's is going nuts! I swear she's eaten so many pennies she's a human piggy bank! Now she's running around with a lollipop in her mouth and its 8:30 and she's not supposed to eat any sweets right now. She's going hyper and- (hangs up and runs off screen) don't cut your own hair you don't know how! (Beat) Don't run with scissors!
SCENE VIII: Racket-Club
JACK: Wow, this place is real nice to be a racket-club.
KAREN: It's the lounge part you dingus of course it looks all pretty and shiny. Smithy, the usual….. (Takes her martini and drinks it) Honey would you like anything to drink?
JACK: Uh sparkling cider?
KAREN: Smithy, get him the whimpy, non-alcohol, gay drink.
JACK: (Get his drink) Thank you.
KAREN: Ok since you didn't think up a plan I made one up for you.
JACK: What?
KAREN: (Puts her up to her lips) Sh….. (Giggles) remember yesterday I asked you to play the ballet for me again? Well I was wearing my panties voice recorder that day and I recorded you. Then I got Rosario to de-string the whole piano early thing morning so if I pressed a key there wont be a sound and I am going to pretend to play while playing the recording out of my thong. (Laughs) it's so sneaky and sexy all at the same time. (Laughs again) I deserve an olive (Eats the one out of her drink)
JACK: You sure it's going to work?
KAREN: (Scoffs) Yeah.
WILL & GRACE: (Enter)
GRACE: Hey sorry we're late.
KAREN: Who in the hell let you in?
GRACE: You invited us (looks past Karen) Yum beer nuts. (Goes to the bar)
WILL: She says that about all nuts.
JACK: (Giggles)
GRACE: (Comes back with the whole bowl) So Karen, you're playing the piano?
KAREN: Yeah in about 5 minutes, I thought the nut bowls were glued to the bar table.
GRACE: (Looks weird for a second) No wonder it was so hard to take off the table.
WILL: (Winces and puts his arm around Grace)
CANDANCE: (Comes in) Well hello Karen, I hope you're prepared.
KAREN: (Laughs) More than I'll ever be, hey last time I saw you I could have sworn your nose was natural.
CANDANCE: Last time I saw you I could have sworn you had more wrinkles but what do I know? That was more than a week ago.
KAREN: (Laughs and kisses her on both cheeks)
CANDANCE & KAREN: Muah, muah.
CANDANCE: I see you brought your friends well I would like to share this humiliation as well but my friends have lives.
KAREN: (Laughs) Oh you bitch. (Smiles)
CANDANCE: I am going to introduce you now.
JACK: Good luck.
KAREN: Thanks Jackie.
CANDANCE: (On microphone) Ladies and Gentlemen, yes, hello. We have a very special treat today. Our Miss Karen Walker has decided to play a ballad on the piano. So let's give her a round of applause.
KAREN: (Gets on the piano and stops) (To Audience) Wait….. (To Jack) Jackie, get over here!
JACK: (Runs up to the platform)
KAREN: My thing won't play.
JACK: What?
KAREN: (Whispers) My panties won't play!!
JACK: Ok don't panic uh….. (Runs away)
KAREN: (Smiles to the other people)
SCENE IX: Racket-Club
GRACE: What's going on? You've been sitting at the piano for like 5 minutes, play!
KAREN: I cant, I'm waiting for Jackie.
GRACE: Why?
KAREN: I don't know he's about to do something stupid.
JACK: (Comes back in out of breath) Ok I am going to go out, when you see my arm, pretend to play.
KAREN: What?
JACK: Boy, are you lucky that your racket club is right next to where I used to take Zandra's acting classes. That place had a piano I rolled it in don't worry they wont miss it I'll take it back later.
KAREN: Aw, thanks Jackie you're the best.
JACK: (Limps back out) Man, I'm smart. (Outside on cell phone) Thanks for the idea, Irene.
IRENE: (In cab) no problem.
KAREN: (Pretends to play as the sound comes from where Jack is)
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
IRENE: (Comes in) Boy what a week.
WILL: Same.
IRENE: What happened to you guys?
GRACE: (Comes in) I got me some! (Beat) Oh hi Irene (Looks awkward and goes to the kitchen)
WILL: We had to go watch Karen play the piano. She had to give her friend a thousand dollars after losing the bet but her plan was smarter than usual.
IRENE: You mean Karen faking and Jack playing for her?
GRACE: How did you know?
IRENE: I gave them that idea.
WILL: Oh yeah I thought it would have been something you would have done. How much money did you get from Joe and Larry?
IRENE: They were drunk when they got home so they gave me more than I was supposed to earn. For some reason I didn't want to tell them they were over paying me.
GRACE: So how much?
IRENE: Um…..800.
WILL: And you were supposed to get?
IRENE: 50, 10 dollars a day. I love Joe and Larry drunk!
END
