SUMMARY: Will finally tells his parents that he has a child, meanwhile Grace and Karen spend their time taunting Jack (refers back to "Secrets on Apartments")
SCENE I: Hallway
WILL: (With Grace knocking on 9B) Irene….. (Knocks again) Irene open up we're going to be late.
IRENE: (Stumbles out in formal wear)
WILL: We're meeting my parents, not going to an award show.
GRACE: (Doing a Joan Rivers impression) Darling, tell me who are you wearing and whose pounds you've been gaining.
IRENE: (Looks insulted)
WILL: Ew, don't do that ever again.
IRENE: I just want to look nice for my grandparents.
WILL: YES!
IRENE: What?
WILL: I bet my brothers in getting a child (laughs) eat that Paul!
GRACE: Ew, don't do that ever again.
WILL: Sorry now come on (drags Irene out of her apartment)
IRENE: Is that what you're going to wear?
WILL: Yeah why?
IRENE: It's so casual next to me, I have to change!
WILL: You look fine (beat) ok never mind, go change. My mom's going to say you try to hard.
IRENE: (Runs back in her apartment)
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
GRACE: (Enters)
KAREN: Coffee?
GRACE: Have you spiked it?
KAREN: No?
GRACE: Put any pills in it?
KAREN: (Shakes her head)
GRACE: Who made it?
KAREN: Starbucks.
GRACE: Give me. (Takes it and gulps it down)
KAREN: (Quietly) It's hot…..
GRACE: (Spits some out) Whoa, hot, hot, I think my throat was burned out of my neck.
KAREN: (Sits down at her desk and starts looking through a magazine)
GRACE: Why are you here so early?
KAREN: Honey you know how much I love working.
GRACE: Seriously, Karen.
KAREN: I left my catalogue here. (Sheepish smile)
GRACE: Well I am glad you're here because now I can tell you about my date!
KAREN: Oh Grace, I'm not your Will.
GRACE: I'll let you build a medicine cabinet behind that mirror.
KAREN: Now you're talking. So how was it? Was there smooching? Hooching?
GRACE: It was fantastic his name is Kenny and he's a stock broker.
KAREN: (Sighs)
GRACE: What?
KAREN: I-I don't follow stock.
GRACE: Well neither do I.
KAREN: Yeah but he seems interesting to you, he's a yawn plus Nyquil to me.
GRACE: Ugh fine just get back to (beat) work.
KAREN: Oh but honey, I got some gossip of my own!!
GRACE: I'm really not interested in your stories of your driver killing somebody or your maids killing somebody.
KAREN: No you will not believe it. It's about Jack! (Giggles)
GRACE: Is it about him killing somebody?
KAREN: No! It's about how he got over Will.
GRACE: (Drops everything and turns to Karen) I'm listening.
KAREN: He- (Beat) honey we talked about plaid….. (Tugs on Graces skirt) and thigh highs (points at her boots)
GRACE: Karen!
KAREN: Ok, Jackie committed the worst sin in the book of Gay.
GRACE: (Beat) Forgetting to do 50 crunches a day?
KAREN: No honey that's the third worst.
GRACE: Sleeping with a hobo-homo?
KAREN: Second.
GRACE: (Beat) Committing incest?
KAREN: Fourth, here we go again!
GRACE: I give up.
KAREN: Sleeping with an opposite gender.
GRACE: (Gasps 4 times) No.
KAREN: Yes!
GRACE & KAREN: (Laughs)
GRACE: Oh that was great I am not going to forget that. (Takes another drink)
KAREN: Neither will I, honey, I added Promethazine in there. (Takes out a bottle) May cause drowsiness. (Shakes the bottle) And I made the coffee by soaking Rosario's feet in water and poured it into a Starbuck's cup. (Laughs)
GRACE: (Gives her a look)
KAREN: (Chokes on her laugh and goes back to reading her magazine)
SCENE III: Car
IRENE: I am so excited! Will they like me? I hope they like me, what's your mom like? Is she like classic grandma looking?
WILL: (Smiles) No and please don't say that to her as a compliment if she does, to you.
IRENE: Ok so will be there soon, right?
WILL: Yeah just 5 more blocks.
IRENE: I cant wait! How are you going to tell them? Make a speech or just spit it out?
WILL: I think I am just going to wing it like I did with Vince.
IRENE: Is your mom allergic to anything?
SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment
KAREN: (Laughs) this is going to be fun don't you have work to do?
GRACE: Please, clients can wait; this is once in the lifetime!
KAREN: (Jumps) Yay! I like you drugged up. (Knocks on the door)
JACK: (Opens the door)
GRACE: (Posing) Hey Jack.
JACK: Hey?
KAREN: Shouldn't you be at work, poodle?
JACK: I am working I am looking at all these pictures of male actors and…..looking some more.
GRACE & KAREN: (Comes in and does more poses)
JACK: (Beat) Have you guys been….. (Does snorting gestures)
GRACE: No (does another pose) Karen just told something very interesting (Hugs Jack)
JACK: Whoa Nelly! Karen, you told her?
KAREN: Come on honey, we're just having a little fun. (Shimmies against him)
JACK: Ew, ew, ew!
GRACE: (Laughs)
JACK: Well I'm glad you find my pain funny.
GRACE: Jack, cam down, your secrets safe with us.
JACK: Uh not really since everybody knows.
GRACE: Will doesn't know.
JACK: Knowing you, as his wife, he'll know by tomorrow.
KAREN: Come on stop worrying! (Jumps up and down sticking her tongue out)
JACK: Ugh gross! I cant believe you two. Taking my lowest of the low moment and using it as your high time!
KAREN & GRACE: (Laughing)
JACK: You should be ashamed of yourself! Grace, did I ever laugh at the fact you made 2 and a half men gay?
GRACE: (Stops laughing) No. (Lowers head)
JACK: Karen, have I ever laughed at you that time you slept with a hermaphrodite?
GRACE: You slept with a hermaphrodite.
KAREN: Hey don't bag on me he/she looked more female.
JACK: Yeah and I didn't even tell anyone until just now! You guys just lost my trust, both of you, now get out of my apartment so I can (beat) look at these headshots some more and do some of my own!
KAREN & GRACE: (Leaves)
SCENE V: Truman's place
WILL: (Coming in)
MARILYN: Oh hi Will (Kisses him and gives him a hug) nice of you to drop by. Oh and you brought a friend!
WILL: Yeah (puts his coat on the coat rack) Mom, this is Irene, Irene, my mom.
MARILYN: Huh (stunned) shouldn't you be at school?
IRENE: Sometimes I do night classes.
MARILYN: Oh how nice. Will did you get me cashews? I've been craving them ever since Christmas past.
WILL: (Beat) It hasn't been Christmas yet.
MARILYN: I know, I meant all year.
WILL: (Gives Marilyn a can)
MARILYN: Thank you, so tell me dear, how did you find this Irene?
WILL: Oh I picked her off the street and invited her to lunch.
MARILYN: (Gives him a look)
WILL: I'm kidding (to Irene) my mom still doesn't know how funny I am.
IRENE: (Beat) I don't either. (Shrugs and smiles)
MARILYN: So tell me what made your trip over here? Is Irene your new Grace?
IRENE: Why does everyone describe me that way?!?
WILL: (Pats her on the back) Well you can say that.
MARILYN: Well you two look quite the couple she could pass as your niece or something if Paul or Sam had kids. Three boys and all of them aren't stupid enough to get knocked up. Can you believe that Irene?
IRENE: No (Raises eyebrows)
MARILYN: So how old are you?
IRENE: 20, almost 21.
MARILYN: So will it be illegal if I offered you something from the mini bar?
IRENE: No-
WILL: Yes! (Stops Irene going towards the bar) Mom, I know you're going to laugh about this.
MARILYN: Oh I don't know, you're not very funny.
WILL: (Laughs that off) Drink your drink, mother.
MARILYN: (Takes a sip)
WILL: Um remember how Grace and I were dating 20 years ago.
MARILYN: You mean before you started liking boys?
WILL: Yes (beat) well I didn't tell you this because it's not something you go bragging to your mother. Um…..Irene's my daughter (beat) I got drunk and had "relations" (makes quotes with fingers) with another drunk person.
MARILYN: I'm sorry I don't understand.
WILL: I had sex with a woman and Irene is my daughter.
MARILYN: Will, don't say the s word in front of your child!
IRENE: Ha, so you admit that you believe I am his daughter!
WILL: (Gives her a look)
IRENE: Sorry.
MARILYN: I never said I didn't believe I just cant believe Will, that you didn't tell me until 20 years later. I am not going to live forever!
WILL: Well it's not my fault I didn't find out until 16 years later.
MARILYN: Oh my-
WILL: Dang it I meant to keep that from her.
MARILYN: So you kept Irene from me for 4 years?
WILL: (Beat and mumbles)
MARILYN: Come here to Nana! (Hugs Irene)
WILL: Mom
MARILYN: Have you been abusing this child?
WILL: No…..
MARILYN: Have you had something to eat?
IRENE: Tic-tacs
MARILYN: No wonder you're skin and bones.
WILL: Mom, don't make my child fat.
SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment
GRACE: Hey…...
JACK: (Moving things around) Go away.
GRACE: I just stopped by to say sorry and…..yes you did laugh about the fact I made 2 men gay. But I'm better than you and I shouldn't have.
JACK: (Scoffs) don't be so full of yourself you're tacky and I hate you.
GRACE: What are you doing?
JACK: I'm moving some of my furniture over here.
GRACE: That's sweet (beat) only that's Will's chair.
JACK: He won't miss it.
GRACE: And his lamp.
JACK: He wont miss it.
GRACE: And his BED?!?
JACK: He won't miss it!
GRACE: How did you even manage to bring his bed over here?
JACK: I'm superman.
GRACE: You got professional movers to come didn't you?
JACK: (Peppy) I like watching them lift things.
SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment
IRENE: Jack, I really appreciate you taking the pretty things out of Will's apartment but I need you to put them back.
JACK: Fine…..
IRENE: Leave the bed. (Smiles)
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
WILL: So how was your day?
GRACE: Could have been better. I confessed Jack my sins while he did the same.
WILL: That took the whole day eh? (Going to the little hallway where the bedrooms are)
GRACE: Since when did you become Canadian? (Goes to her room)
WILL: What do you talk? Canadians are hot. (Goes to his) (Beat) Say, Grace?
GRACE: (Off screen) Yeah?
WILL: (Off screen) where's my bed?
END
