AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry, went on vacation. Here's a big fat update though!! 7-10
SUMMARY: Will hits midlife crisis and the gang tries to help him through it.
WILL: (Yawning, stepping in the living room, turning on the lights)
IRENE: (Pops out of no where) Hi Will.
WILL: (Screams)
GRACE: (Comes running out with a bat in her hand) I've got a bat and I'm not afraid to use it!
WILL: (Scared) where'd you get that bat?
GRACE: I'm lending my gun to Karen.
WILL: (Looks even more scared)
GRACE: I'm kidding, why were you screaming?
WILL: Gofer (points at Irene and scratches his head)
GRACE: Irene its 2 AM
IRENE: I know I have a watch.
WILL: What are you doing?
IRENE: Helping myself to some Oreos while reading a book.
GRACE: (Goes to the kitchen and reads the cover) A book about why people might be gay. Interesting…..
WILL: (Groans) Irene if you're gay you can just tell me.
IRENE: I'm not I'm trying to figure out why you are. You're smart, attractive, and yet you're keeping yourself from women. Women want you!
WILL: If I had a penny for every time I've heard that I'd have (beat) one penny.
IRENE: Says here (eats a cookie and sprays crumb everywhere while talking) you can be gay if one: you have a bad relationship with your mother.
WILL: That's a lie, I love my mom. (Gets a dust buster and starts cleaning)
IRENE: Two: If you had an abusive father.
WILL: I love my dad.
IRENE: Three you're afraid of girls.
WILL: (About to say something) I love girls
GRACE: That's a lie, he was afraid of me.
IRENE: He was afraid of me too.
WILL: Because when I first saw you, you were eating like a vacuum. I swear you had no teeth you were just gulping down a whole rack of lamb and I was scared of you because you are my daughter. I'm not afraid of girls.
IRENE: I'm not finished. 4: you were taunted by brothers or jockey friends 5: mama's boy.
GRACE: Will was fat and shiny and like he said a second ago he loves his mom.
WILL: You're not necessarily gay if you love your mom.
GRACE: Wait…..how come I'm not gay?
IRENE: You're a girl so you love men. You're right on track.
GRACE: That's one smart book you got there, Kansas.
IRENE: I got it from the library.
GRACE: Library as in…..?
IRENE: Library.
WILL: See in Grace's world library means bakery.
SCENE II: Out TV
JACK: (On the phone) How many times do I have to say it? Will, I don't give a crap.
WILL: (In his office, typing and talking at the same time) I know but I don't get why Irene is reading those kind of books it's like she's trying to make me straight again.
JACK: Dear god no!
WILL: I know just the thought of it gives me the chills.
JACK: Well (starts smacking his lips while eating yogurt) Irene is a mystery wrapped in pretty enigma.
WILL: Do you even know what enigma means?
JACK: Sounds like an exotic bird. (With an accent) Enigma! (Starts making bird noises)
WILL: J-Jack…..Jack? JACK!
JACK: (Makes one more noise and then stops) you're always like, "Irene you're a mistake!" So why can't she be like, "Will, you're gay!"
WILL: Because it's different.
JACK: Not really.
WILL: How would you know? Elliot doesn't question you.
JACK: Do I act straight?
WILL: No, I don't either.
JACK: Yes you do.
WILL: No I don't!
IRENE: (pops in Out TV office) Hi Jack!
JACK: Irene do you think Will can pass off as straight?
IRENE: Uh huh. (Sits on Jack's desk and plays with pencils)
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
GRACE: (Reading a cereal box) now add milk. How much milk? (Puts the box down and adds milk into a bowl of cereal. Oh yum, Oreos. (Takes 2 Oreos and puts them in the bowl.
WILL: (In baggy clothes) Hi.
GRACE: Will, it's 10 AM, I waited an hour for you to make me breakfast. Do you know how long it took me to do this?
WILL: Corn flakes with milk and Oreos?
GRACE: Yeah.
WILL: 5 minutes tops.
GRACE: I know not only that I bet you Karen is already at work.
WILL: Grace…..
GRACE: You're usually up before I am, breathe on me.
WILL: What?
GRACE: You heard me.
WILL: (Lets Grace smell his breath.)
GRACE: You had ice cream, a box of chocolates, but no beer. Will, you have no right getting a late start on your day.
WILL: I'm depressed.
GRACE: Oh that time of the month huh? (Gives him her bowl of cereal)
WILL: (Gives it back to her) no thank you.
GRACE: Will, what's wrong?
WILL: Last night I was thinking, "Wow I am 40, I have a kid who is 20, who has a JOB, dealing with financial problems" and I look in the mirror and (beat) I see this PATCH of gray hair and I just went nuts.
GRACE: You do not have a patch of gray hair.
WILL: (Pulls some hairs to the side)
GRACE: Please that's like 1 or 2 strains.
WILL: That's 2 too many!
GRACE: Just dye your hair or pull them out stop crying to me about it.
IRENE: (Comes in) hey, I got a new job.
GRACE: What about the café?
IRENE: I got 2 jobs! I can pay my own apartment! Ok no I cant (hits herself on the head)
WILL: You have 2 jobs and having night classes I don't think you'll have much time to hang out with us now.
IRENE: Yeah I know I'm so cool with you old folks.
WILL: Old?
IRENE: But maybe I can do summer school too and work my way through summer as well and pretty soon I'll be gone and living my own life.
WILL: Gone?
IRENE: Oh Will you have a little (looks at Grace and she's shaking her head violently and gesturing) Bend down.
WILL: (Bends to Irene's height)
IRENE: (Pulls a hair out)
WILL: Ow!
IRENE: Wait I'm not finished.
WILL: (Stands up) No, no, no, no, at this rate I am going to be bald. (Pats his hair)
IRENE: You know what I don't get? Both of my parents are tall yet I am short? Huh….. (Leaving)
GRACE: Wait, you didn't tell us what's your new job.
IRENE: Jack's assistant in Out TV! (Leaves)
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
GRACE: Will….. Will? Will!
WILL: (Wakes up) Huh?
GRACE: Will, I'm hungry, get up and make me pancakes.
WILL: Make your own pancakes.
GRACE: What? I'm not ready to make myself pancakes.
WILL: Then eat the mix dry, leave me alone.
GRACE: Will what's wrong?
WILL: I'm 40, my teeth are getting yellow, hair thinning, getting fat, eh.
GRACE: Ok you know what time it is?
WILL: Time for you to go away?
GRACE: I think its Krispy Kreme time.
WILL: I already ate a box.
GRACE: WHAT? (Finds the box)
WILL: I would have told you but you would have hogged it all.
GRACE: So what now?
WILL: I don't know
GRACE: Ok time for plan B.
WILL: What's plan B?
GRACE: Irene. You know how she has a gift for words.
WILL: Yeah she persuaded me that Bush (beat) isn't that bad.
GRACE: I'll call her over.
SCENE V: Hallway
GRACE: (With Karen and Jack) damn it the one time she isn't home!
KAREN: Yeah Will's got the blues and you're trying to shove the lowest person in his life in his face.
GRACE: Will loves Irene.
JACK: Sure but he doesn't deserve her. (Nods)
GRACE: (Thinks) Ok I'm going to go get Vince.
SCENE VI: Vince's Place
VINCE: (Opens the door) Hey, what brings you guys here?
GRACE: (Comes in with Jack and Karen following her) Will is depressed. (Waves to Irene sitting on the couch)
KAREN: We were wondering if maybe you'd sleep with him and it'd make it all better.
JACK: Oh so cute you and Irene are having a tea party. (Sits down)
VINCE: Yeah she came over here asking financial advice.
IRENE: (Beat) Remember when I made you promise you wouldn't tell "them"? Well Karen, Jack, and Grace count as "them".
VINCE: I already agree to pay your bills for a while.
IRENE: Vince, shut up.
VINCE: Sorry.
IRENE: Why is Will depressed?
JACK: He's hitting midlife crisis.
IRENE: Aw…..I think I can help
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(Everyone comes in)
WILL: (Reading in the nude)
IRENE: Nice, I'm scarred for life.
WILL: (Takes the blanket off the couch and goes to his bed room to get dress)
VINCE: I'm afraid to do that.
JACK: Teeny weenie?
VINCE: (Beat) No.
KAREN: Sounds like his peeny is a little teeny.
WILL: (Comes back out) Hey what is everyone doing here?
GRACE: We're here to cheer you up.
KAREN: Irene has a smart cookie.
JACK: What?
VINCE: She has something that will really light your day.
JACK: What? Why don't I know?
IRENE: Ok (shows a full body shot of Jack and Will) Who's this?
WILL: That's me and Jack when I was in College.
IRENE: And this?
WILL: Me and Jack when he moved in.
IRENE: (Shows another picture)
WILL: Grace's wedding, me and Jack.
IRENE: (Shows another picture)
WILL: Ok, I get it, it's all Jack and me. What's your point?
JACK: I look fabulous and you don't.
IRENE: No! Ok (takes 2 pictures out again) On my right is you growing up, on my left is Jack growing up. Both are full body pictures. Look, you went from fat to skinny to now. Jack went from skinny to muscular to now.
WILL: What's now?
IRENE: Cant you see? Jack is now fat and you are now muscular.
JACK: What?
IRENE: I mean you're not fat you're just big.
JACK: What?!?!
IRENE: Shut up. (To Will) Look the point is, the older you get the hotter you get, the older Jack gets uglier he gets.
GRACE: (Laughs)
JACK: What are you laughing at Pinocchio?
KAREN: (Pats Jack on the back) Honey, for once the gnome is right. (Points at Irene)
JACK: Maybe I let myself go a little bit but I'm not….. (does a puppy face and looks up, about to cry)
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Comes into the living room whistling in a suit)
GRACE: (Already sitting at the dining table and smiles at him)
WILL: Good morning. (Does a little dance and pours Grace some coffee)
GRACE: How are you feeling?
WILL: Sexy! (Wiggles his butt a little)
GRACE: (Spanks him)
JACK: (Comes in wearing glasses and walking in with a cane)
KAREN: (Following behind) Hello.
JACK: Give me your jacket.
WILL: What?
JACK: You heard me.
WILL: All right (takes his jacket off)
JACK: (Puts it on and can't reach his hands forward and starts crying) (out of no where pretends to have a stroke)
WILL: Jack!! (Tries to help but he stays down)
KAREN: Oh honey just leave him there, I've had so many of those. Trust me he'll wake up day after tomorrow.
END
