Summary: Another one without Irene, Karen gets in touch with her mom once more only to find out that she has a sister?!? She pays off Jack to inspect her making sure this wasn't another Lois's crazy plans in getting money. Meanwhile Grace meets someone that Will isn't approve of.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last episode of Irene missing, the only reason I wrote her out was because "Mid-Life Crap" was a really bad episode partially because Irene was so like "nerdish" and it made it too fast paced. Also I was thinking about Alex Borstien from Mad TV play Karen's sister because they look a little alike. (To me, anyway)
AUTHOR'S NOTE (2): And I also know that 7-9 episode suck but 10 is going is going to be good!!
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
GRACE: (Sneaking home and turns on the light)
WILL: (Sitting on the couch, relaxed, speaking in an English accent) Hello Love.
GRACE: (Screams and drops everything on her, falling back) God Will, you scared the crap out of me.
WILL: Where have you been?
GRACE: None of your business. (Goes to the kitchen)
WILL: I hid dinner.
GRACE: You fool, where'd you put it?!?
WILL: I'd tell you in exchange for your secret.
GRACE: (Sighs) All right.
WILL: (Beat) so are you going to tell me?
GRACE: I'm thinking about how hungry I really am.
WILL: Grace…..
GRACE: Ok I was out…..on a date….. (Soprano-like accent) You know what I'm saying.
WILL: Don't copy me and talk in an accent.
GRACE: So where's the dinner?
WILL: If you went on a date, didn't you eat?
GRACE: Well yeah but I want a midnight snack.
WILL: (Takes out a plate from under a couch)
GRACE: Oh stroganoff. (Takes it)
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
KAREN: (Sitting with her feet on the desk) so anyway Rosario cut herself on the wall somehow, I think there was a wire sticking out and when the homeless person kissed her hand as a greeting, he kissed her cut.
JACK: (Painting Karen's toes) (Laughs)
KAREN: And that's how Rosie got rabies. (Raises her glass like a toast and drinks her martini)
GRACE: (Comes in looking like a mess)
KAREN: Hi hangover, drunk much?
GRACE: (Groans)
JACK: I like Grace drunk. She doesn't bore us with pointless stories.
GRACE: (Didn't hear Jack) last night I went out with this guy (starts slurring something) hot and (slurs again) his tongue was everywhere and (slurs) got home at 4AM.
JACK: Did you get any of that?
KAREN: Yeah, honey, don't you know I am fluent in drunk?
GRACE: (Walks to the swatch room and falls over)
JACK & KAREN: Oh! (Quickly loses interest on Grace falling)
KAREN: I have this other story on how I woke up with a hickey on my chest. Well…..I thought it was a hickey but then it turned out to be the result of drug injection. (Sheepish laugh)
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
GRACE: (Coming in, talking to someone out in the hall) Ok bye. Hey Billy, you're a loser!
WILL: I may be fat but I have feelings too!
GRACE: (To Will) Not you Billy. (Sighs and sits on the couch smiling)
WILL: Are you on drugs?
GRACE: No but it feels like I am on ecstasy. I'll tell ya this new guy I am seeing is so ugh! I mean he's not only ugh he's also oh and wow.
WILL: S-stop it, stop it, don't get an orgasm on my couch. (Pushes her off)
GRACE: You're just jealous because you weren't ever like this with Vince.
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: You never were at a place with Vince where you would only talk about him, think about him, breathe him, eat him..... (Beat) wait.
WILL: Yes I have, remember that time when- remember?
GRACE: Uh huh. (Nods)
WILL: I haven't even met him yet, how do you know if you like him?
GRACE: Because I do and I don't think I want you to meet him.
WILL: Why? Is he ugly?
GRACE: (Beat) Kind of.
WILL: Druggie?
GRACE: A little.
WILL: Has a ponytail and a biker boy?
GRACE: (Looking shifty) Uh huh.
WILL: (Beat) what are you, desperate?!?!
GRACE: (Sighs) Will, at this moment I'd marry Napoleon Dynamite.
WILL: (Scoffs) that's different, Napoleon Dynamite is hot if you look at him at the right angles.
GRACE: Yeah like with your eyes closed.
WILL: Just tell me one thing; does the guy have a beard?
GRACE: A goatee…..
WILL: Good one or bad one?
GRACE: Bad one. (Wrinkles her eyebrows and looks guilty) But hey, looks don't matter, he's fun and sweet.
WILL: This is coming from a shallow girl who dumped a guy for having six toes on one foot.
GRACE: That's different, having six toes is an abnormality, Billy is as normal in his world as he can get.
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
LOIS: (Comes in) Kiki!
KAREN: Mommy! (Happy to curious real fast) what are you doing here?
LOIS: Cant I visit my daughter at work?
KAREN: Yeah but how do you know this is the one day, every three months; I get to work early to work? (Points to her magazine)
LOIS: Butler wouldn't let me in the house but after I gave him a five dollar bill he spat out everything he knew.
KAREN: Lawrence, you know how much five dollars is to my workers?
LOIS: Lois.
KAREN: Don't speak to me with that kind of language!
LOIS: Well I came here to ask you something.
KAREN: What? (Looks back at her magazine and flips a page)
LOIS: Can you baby sit this kid here? She's your sister.
KAREN: What?
LOIS: I'm sorry I got to go make friendly with the rich hobo downstairs. I'll see you at five.
KAREN: Gah?
KIMI: (At the door)
KAREN: What's your name, midget?
KIMI: Kimi.
KAREN: You look Asian.
KIMI: I'm not.
KAREN: Your voice sounds like you been using steroids.
KIMI: (Shakes her head)
KAREN: You don't look like me.
KIMI: We're both short, have big busts, and have brown hair.
KAREN: Yours is black.
KIMI: I dyed it.
KAREN: Oh yeah then how come I have better taste in clothes?
KIMI: (Doesn't do anything)
KAREN: That's what I thought.
JACK: (Comes) (To Kimi) Hi Karen, you're not wearing your high heels. Huh, you're shorter than I thought.
KAREN: Jackie, I'm over here.
JACK: (Double takes) Oh my goodness you can split and multiply like cells and bacteria? This is the start of a plague!!
KAREN: I wish. Come here poodle I need you to ask you something.
JACK: Yeah ok. (Walks over to Karen)
KAREN: (Whispers) Honey, I am a single child and my mother drops this bomb on me? It's a scam.
JACK: You never know.
KAREN: Ok I got a plan, you hang out with her and ask her all these questions and I run away.
JACK: What?
KAREN: (Runs out the door) Bye!
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
WILL: Do you have a picture?
GRACE: No
WILL: I want to see him (jumps)
GRACE: Oh that's real mature, Will.
WILL: Please?
GRACE: Ok fine, I made up him up.
WILL: What?
GRACE: I have an imaginary boyfriend.
WILL: Oh wow Grace, you are seriously depressed.
KAREN: (Runs in) I'm not here (Runs to the bathroom)
JACK & KIMI: (Runs in)
JACK: Where's Karen?
WILL: (Confused) Isn't that her? (Points to Kimi)
JACK: Long story I don't really want to tell it.
KIMI: (Runs away)
JACK: Dang it the SECOND I let her off her leash. (Runs after her) Kiwi Kimi come here. (Make kissing noises)
SCENE VI: Police.
GRACE: Why are you so spiffed up?
WILL: Just in case we run into Vince.
GRACE: (Beat) this isn't his department.
WILL: Oh now you tell me, you know how much spray gel I had to use to get it like this? (Points to his head)
JACK: (At the desk) Excuse me officer, we lost a person.
KAREN: She's about ye high, answers to the name Kimi.
OFFICER: And how old is this Kimi?
KAREN: (Sighs) how would I know?
OFFICER: Do you have a picture? What was she wearing?
JACK: She looks like her (points to Karen)
KAREN: No she doesn't!
JACK: They are siblings, she was wearing purple overalls with a sunflower in the middle but she's like 40 something wearing pig tails.
OFFICER: Great if you leave your contact number we'll call you when we find her.
KAREN: (Skeptical) What? That's it?
OFFICER: Yeah…..
KAREN: (Like it's nothing) Oh ok.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
KAREN: Ok Jews and Grace I got to boogie. Today's the one day of the year Rosie and I go out and eat dinner together. Last year I chose to eat at Balthazar this year Rosie picks. Homo, I put your number down as the contact number so tell me if you get a call. (Leaves)
WILL: Does she ever say bye anymore?
JACK: No, I believe she does not.
WILL: It was a rhetorical question.
JACK: Well it's still no, I'm not going to have sex with you.
WILL: Yeah that's too bad…..
(A knock on the door)
WILL: (Opens the door)
LOIS: (Comes in) Hello, where's Karen I want to tell her the news.
WILL: She went out to drink dinner.
LOIS: Oh well, tell her I found my Kimi.
GRACE: How did you even know we lost her? We didn't tell you?
LOIS: Ok now don't get mad
JACK: I smell a scam! Or is it ham? Grace?
GRACE: (Hits him on the head)
LOIS: Kimi is a mentally challenged actress, I gave her a lollipop to play Karen's sister and run away and stay gone long enough for cops to think up an award and I come turning her in and getting the money.
JACK: Luis Last-Name! I cant believe you!
LOIS: It's Lois and my last name isn't Last-Name.
JACK: Not the point, you tricked my friend for the last time! Now I would like it if you'd give me a third of your reward!
LOIS: sixth
JACK: fourth
LOIS: fifth
JACK: ok sixth, that's the lowest I am going to go!!
LOIS: (Beat) You are one smart muffin.
JACK: I've been told that many times. Many times…..
LOIS: Deal! (Shakes his hand)
WILL: One thing I don't get is that if you had turned in Kimi, what happens to her?
LOIS: She goes to wherever the cops send her. But it's not like I care, she's not my problem anymore!!
END
