SUMMARY: Irene is back and goes out with Grace and Jack while Karen and Will goes over a touchy subject.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Reading at the dining table)

GRACE: (Eating chips on the couch)

WILL: (Starts getting annoyed by Grace's crunching)

GRACE: (Tries to stuff big chips in her mouth but pieces comes out the side of her mouth)

WILL: (Gives her a look)

GRACE: (Doesn't notice until after eating three more chips and smiles) would you like some?

WILL: No thank you (takes out his dust buster and starts vacuuming Grace's shirt and hair)

GRACE: How lucky am I to have a gay man clean me everyday?

WILL: I don't know why don't you ask every single woman on the streets of Manhattan?

KAREN: (Comes in) Hi guys (laughs) how rude, I mean "hi gays." Will, are you free today?

WILL: I don't know it depends. What you want to do with me? If it involves driving you to Kentucky or poking a hobo with a stick because he took a bottle of your pain killers then I'm afraid I'm too busy.

KAREN: (Laughs) you're lucky I smoked pot and ate a mushroom before I came here otherwise I'd be scratching out your eyeballs right now. Rosie and I got in a little hoot and hinny and I just want to prove her a point.

WILL: What was it about?

KAREN: (Shrugs) well you know Stan's been gone for a while now and when he passed on he was (beat) fat. (Sighs) Rosie wants me to make a will. Doesn't that sound nuts? Why would I need a will? I'm like 20 years old.

GRACE: Yeah like half a century ago.

KAREN: (Gives her a look)

GRACE: (Starts eating her chips again)

KAREN: After I push Rosie off the balcony I thought, hey! Why not? I have nothing else better to do and I wont have to worry about it later like say…..oh……in hell. (Laughs) That Rosario is really stupid, I'll tell ya, she still hasn't gotten it through her head that I'm going to live forever, right Jew and Moo? (Sits on the couch)

WILL & GRACE: (Exchange looks)

KAREN: (Screaming, demanding) I said right?!?

WILL & GRACE: Yeah! (Exchange looks again)

WILL: (Sits)

JACK: (Comes in) hey guys. (Laughs) I'm sorry that was rude, I mean "girls" well except for Grace. (Beat) G, you ready?

GRACE: Give me a second I still need to change. (To Karen and Will) As much as I would love to hear about what Karen is going to give me when she (beat) "doesn't die", I am going out with Jack. (Runs to her bedroom)

JACK: We're going out fishing (does fishing gestures and sounds) (reeling in) hello Bobby! (kisses his hand made into lips)

WILL: Last night you said you wouldn't want to be seen with Grace even for all the money in the word.

KAREN: Oh honey, I wouldn't want to either and I already have half of the world's money. (Slaps Will on the knee)

JACK: Who said anything about Grace? I'm hanging with Irene, Grace is just a tag-along.

WILL: Irene has a boyfriend.

JACK: Well who doesn't? We're just going out for lunch long enough to make us be out for dinner as well.

KAREN: Honey, isn't that twerp still in school?

WILL: She quit her café job, just as long as Jack fails to go to work everyday Irene doesn't have to either. You know the one of the reason Out TV is a failure is because-

KAREN: Oh shut up homo!! (Beat) No one cares. You're just jealous because they like Jack better than you and so does the rest of the world.

WILL: Yeah ok you want me to help you write a will or not.

KAREN: Yes lover.

WILL: That's what I thought.

IRENE: (Comes) Hey….. Where's Grace?

GRACE: (Comes out wearing this dress that's shredded everywhere) Ok let's go! (Runs out to the hallway)

JACK & IRENE: (Watches Grace as she passes them)

JACK: Where's the rest of her outfit?

IRENE: Dad, check if she has like a German Shepard in her room.

JACK & IRENE: (Run after her.)

SCENE II: Restaurant

GRACE: (Looks around) Jack I thought we were going out clubbing. What are we doing at Red Lobster? I mean I love seafood just as much as the next person I see here.

GIRL: (Passing by) (Talking to her boyfriend) I hate lobster, you know I'm a vegetarian.

BOY: They got good salad here.

GIRL: Shrimp cocktail is not a kind of salad!

GRACE: Ok that one didn't count, I meant the next person.

IRENE: Not to be a party pooper but I'm not 21 yet. (Shrugs)

JACK: Just a couple more weeks and we girls can get all drunk together and pick up hot guys.

GRACE: (Copies Napoleon Dynamite) Yesssss……

JACK: (Hits the table) Come on big red I am so sick and tired of hearing Napoleon Dynamite impressions. That movie is so old!!

GRACE: It just came out this year.

JACK: I know but in movie years it's like a mid-life-crisis-hitting father!

IRENE: Jack, calm down you're getting wrinkles. (Dips her hand in her glass of water and sprinkles it on his face.)

JACK: (Sighs) thanks you're a life saver.

GRACE: Hot waiter, hot waiter, hot waiter alert.

STEVEN: Hi I'm Steven I'll be your waiter today. (Gives them menus) Our special today is-

GRACE: We can read the board.

STEVEN: Ok well maybe I'll interest you in-

GRACE: No.

STEVEN: I guess I'll leave you a couple minutes. (Leaves)

IRENE: Grace, if you think he's cute be nice to him.

GRACE: (Laughs) Irene I am an adult, I have more experience in dating than you. See, us adults, we have this technique in getting dates. This technique is called, "playing hard to get".

IRENE: Oh I see…..you want to hear one of my techniques that haven't failed yet?

GRACE: (Excited) Sure!

IRENE: It's called "Grace, stop pretending you're smart and acting like you know what you're talking about when actually you are clueless." (Takes a breath) you should try it, the title is long but it's effective.

GRACE: (Puffs up her cheeks and reads her menu)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Has a bunch of papers on the dining table)

KAREN: (Sitting with him)

WILL: Ok lets get started…..do you know what you're giving away at all to anyone?

KAREN: Honey if I did I wouldn't need your help, would I?

WILL: Skipping ahead….. What do you have?

KAREN: Everything, stop asking stupid questions, homo! Can you get me a drink? I'm hungry.

WILL: Tell you what? I'll make you my very own cocktail drink called, "Rich Bitch in Hell."

KAREN: Sounds delish. (Snaps at him and points to the kitchen)

WILL: (Pours a glass of wine) what are your valuables?

KAREN: (Looks like she's thinking real hard) my knockers….. (Takes a sip of wine)

WILL: (Rolls his eyes) How about something you can give away?

KAREN: Honey, I'm not giving away any of my belongings.

WILL: Then why are we making a damn will?!?

KAREN: Whoa, take a chill pill, Will. You're head is turning red and looks like its going to pop off just like your mini me when it gets excited.

WILL: Karen this isn't that hard…..you know what a will is and what it needs to contain. Ok let take Stan's will for an example. (Takes a stack of papers out)

KAREN: Honey you still got a copy of that? I thought it got cremated along with the 600 pound fat cake.

WILL: I always keep a copy just in case something like this happens. A stupid multi-million she-devil needs an assistance making a will after realizing she's not immortal.

KAREN: (Laughs, takes a pill, and glares at Will)

WILL: Ok here, Stanley gave you most of his money and his company. When you (mumbles) who do you want to have the company and your money?

KAREN: Honey cant I just bury it with me?

WILL: (Sighs) Yes but that'll be stupid.

KAREN: Well what do you suggest??

WILL: Split your money up and give your closest people some.

KAREN: Oh ok….well you know I hate charities or orphanages (shrugs) so I guess I'll give you, Grace, and Jack some.

WILL: Oh that's so sweet, how much?

KAREN: 2 each.

WILL: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: Honey you know how rich I am 2 is like a lifetime survival for a hobo.

WILL: I know but you might want to give more than that seeing you got 94 left.

KAREN: Fine… I would like to give my servants some… a little bit! And maybe give my bo doctor, and pharmacist some too (taps on the paper)

WILL: Ok whatever. (Writes it down)

KAREN: Should I give Irene some? Nah she can just take some of my money from you. (Sighs) maybe my step children and Rosario. My manicurist is sweet, cut some of it for her too and maybe the hobo that sits outside my workplace who throws a bottle of pee at me every time she sees me. (Laughs) she's funny.

WILL: Anyone else?

KAREN: If I just so happen to be married when I go, cut some for my mister-ess.

WILL: (Thinks) What about your husband?

KAREN: Eh, I have a feeling he's going to be some bi-sexual loser. Which why I'd be cheating on him! (Laughs)

SCENE IV: Red Lobster

(Jack, Grace, and Irene are now eating)

JACK: Can I have some of your (points with his fork)

IRENE: Only if I can have some of your (points with her fork)

JACK: Sure!

BOTH: (Switch forks and puts some food on it and gives the fork back)

GRACE: Can I have all of your (points with her knife)

IRENE: No.

GRACE: You know, sometimes you both are just so cute. Iry, why can't you be this cute with Will?

IRENE: What are you talking about? I'm cute with everyone. Do you not see my hair in pigtails?

JACK: (Plays with her hair)

IRENE: (Giggles)

STEVEN: How's everyone?

GRACE: None of your business.

JACK: Don't mind her; she forgot to take Midol this morning. (Gestures around his stomach and mouths the word, "cramps")

STEVEN: Oh ok. (Leaves after refilling Grace's water)

JACK: (Talks through the side of his mouth) Man that guy's so gay.

GRACE: (Gapes) he's so NOT.

JACK: (Points) Oh, oh did you just see that?

GRACE: (Looks) What? The guy just patted the other guy on the back. (Confused)

JACK: A pat on the back or fondling given from behind? (Raises an eyebrow)

GRACE: Jack in your world you think everyone's gay.

JACK: (Skeptical) Well its true! Come on the guy is gorgeous!

GRACE: Just because you are attracted to a man doesn't make the man gay. It just makes you some cat in heat.

IRENE: I don't know my gaydar is honking I think Jack's right.

GRACE: Oh come on.

IRENE: Well speaking from experience here, Grace, you turned so many men gay that when you like a guy most likely the guy's gay.

GRACE: Well- I- (Laughs) this is ridiculous.

JACK: (Takes out his wallet) I bet 5 bucks he's a homojo.

IRENE: I'm in (puts in 5 dollars)

GRACE: I am not going to bet you guys-

STEVEN: (Comes) your jacket fell off your chair (puts it back on Grace's chair and pats her on the shoulder before walking off)

GRACE: (Sniffs him and snaps out of it) I raise you 20! (Puts more money on the table)

JACK & IRENE: (Takes out more money)

SCENE V: Doucette and Stein

KAREN: (Sitting in front of Will's desk)

WILL: (Wearing glasses) Ok we're almost done.

KAREN: Why did we have to come to your office? I just finished my groove into your seat and it fit my ass like a glove.

WILL: I'm sorry but I was just missing some papers you had to sign when we were through with this.

CONNIE: (Comes in) Hi Will I just came to offer you Connie- I mean me. I mean coffee.

WILL: (Smiles) No thank you, Karen?

KAREN: Huh?

WILL: Would you like some coffee?

CONNIE: Actually I lied I don't have any coffee, at least not for her.

WILL: Ok is that all?

CONNIE: You look nice in glasses.

WILL: (Nicely) get out.

CONNIE: Going….. (Leaves)

KAREN: (Laughs) what a freak. Who wants Connie? That's just sad…..

WILL: (Beat) we're halfway through your closet - now shoes.

KAREN: Half to Grace, half to Jack, half to Irene.

WILL: Ok that's three halves…..

KAREN: So?

WILL: Never mind…..

KAREN: Oh honey, making a will is fun; we should do this every weekend.

WILL: (Smiles) or not?

KAREN: Oh thank God I wasn't willing to spend this much time with you every weekend.

WILL: See this isn't so hard right?

KAREN: Right!

WILL: Now hats.

KAREN: Oh I never wear hats you can just give those to Rosario and the cult.

WILL: What cult?

KAREN: You know the cult. The (whispers) homeless… (Looks scared)

SCENE VI: Red Lobster

(Grace's whole table is looking at Steven and when he turns around to look at them they pretend they're eating. When he turns back to the front they all stare at him again)

GRACE: Ok this is ridiculous we've been sitting here for like 20 minutes looking at him.

JACK: Well you just wouldn't admit that he's gay.

GRACE: Not everyone's gay!!

JACK: Yeah huh!!

IRENE: Ok, ok, Grace is right. I am getting pretty bored looking at his butt all day.

JACK: one proof he's gay: nice ass.

GRACE: So what?!?

JACK: Straight guys particularly have fat asses.

GRACE: What?!? No!!

IRENE: Ok that's it. (Raises an arm and starts snapping) Yo, Steven waiter guy. Get over here!!

STEVEN: (To Irene) I'll be there in a second. (Points to a customer he's busy with)

IRENE: I don't care that fat old bald guy can wait! (Snaps several time and stomps her foot)

JACK: Ow!

IRENE: Sorry….. (Pats Jack on the back)

STEVEN: Yes?

IRENE: Took you long enough, I'll tell you one thing your tip had just gone down 1.

STEVEN: I'm sorry but it's the dinner rush now, you guys have been hogging this table all after noon.

GRACE: That's it, no tip for you!

IRENE: (Tugs on Steven's apron) my friends here want to know if you're gay or straight.

STEVEN: Well isn't it obvious?

(Everyone exchanges looks)

JACK: (Innocently) No.

STEVEN: (Looks around to see if anyone's listening) Bi.

GRACE: (Gasps then makes a huge scoff)

IRENE: (Covers her plate from Grace's spit and gives her a look)

GRACE: BLOWS!

JACK: (Sighs) Bi people are such hogs. You either like men or like women you can't have both! (Hits the table)

IRENE: Yeah! (Beat) Wait, I don't care.

GRACE: You placed a bet.

IRENE: (Hits the table) Hog!

GRACE: Ok calm down before we have this battle of the sexualities going on here. Steven, which one do you like better?

STEVEN: (Shrugs) Men.

GRACE: (Sighs and scoffs again)

JACK & IRENE: (Split Grace's money and high fives each other, laughing)

JACK: (Gives Stephen a card) Call me, you're darling. But, change your hair, the Ross Gellar look doesn't work when you have Clay Aiken's face, ok?

SCENE VII: Doucette and Stein.

WILL: Karen, I guess we'll have to finish some other time.

KAREN: (Asleep in her chair with a bottle of wine in her hand) (Wakes up) Oh ok. Yay! What fun! (Sarcastic) Say, Will?

WILL: Yes?

KAREN: Have you made a will yet?

WILL: No Karen, I have not.

KAREN: Well why not?

WILL: (Shrugs)

KAREN: Will's will willing to will it up? Will.

WILL: Stop saying "will" over and over again.

KAREN: Ok, but honey, you're 40.

WILL: And you're 150.

KAREN: Yes I know but you're 40.

WILL: I just havent have the time yet.

KAREN: Yeah ok well you better make time because you're 40.

WILL: Stop saying "40" over and over again now.

KAREN: How about I take back your share of my money and give it to Irene and make my death wish that she never gives you a cent from it?

WILL: Ok, ok….. continue to say Will and 40…..

KAREN: Will, you're 40 you need to make a will, Will. (Beat) 40, 40.

WILL: Fine I'll take your advice and make one in the near future.

KAREN: No now, I want to know what I'm getting.

WILL: Karen!

KAREN: (Looks at her watch and look at Will with a straight face)

WILL: (Looks back)

KAREN: (Looks at her watch again and looks at Will again)

WILL: (Looks back)

KAREN: (Looks at her watch)

WILL: Not today, Karen.

KAREN: Ok sure, honey. (Looks at her watch again)

WILL: (Gets up) (Sing-song) I'm locking you in my office. (Leaves)

KAREN: (Running out the door) Here I come, Billy boy!

SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment

(Everyone's watching TV)

WILL: I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

KAREN: I like the way they make the Q and E into glasses.

GRACE: Why?

KAREN: It just looks nice. I wish I had glasses that looked like a Q and E.

IRENE: I wish everyone was gay.

JACK: Who doesn't? (Laughs)

IRENE: Gay guys are hot.

JACK: (Slaps her on the knee) Thank you, thank you (runs his fingers through his hair)

IRENE: Jai is hot. (Says Jai like Ja-eye)

WILL: I don't think that's how you say his name.

GRACE: Yeah it's Jai (says it like G-aye)

JACK: Fools its Jai (says it like Jay) Thom just said it (says Thom, sounding out the T-H)

KAREN: It's Thom! (Says it like Tom)

WILL: I don't get why they choose all these gay men who have names that are spelt weird. The only normal one is like Ted.

KAREN: I think their parents were just ASKING for their kids to be gay with all these queer spellings.

IRENE: Ok I don't care just Jai (says it right) is sexy. It's a shame he's gay.

GRACE: The guy with the glasses is hot too.

WILL: That's Ted.

JACK: (Outburst) they are all hot!!

KAREN: Except Carson, what's with his upper lip?

WILL: I know (makes a gross noise)

GRACE: And he's in charge of fashion too. He looks like some herpes, cold sore, rotting lip survivor.

EVERYONE: (Agrees)

END