SUMMARY: The gang goes into a contest.
SCENE I: Will's apartment
(Gang is sitting on the couch)
KAREN: (Looking uncomfortable) Lord, why are we here? Something is poking me in the back… (Looks behind the cushion and takes out a bra) Huh. (Looks confused) Will, this must be yours.
GRACE: Give me that! (Takes it and goes into her bedroom)
KAREN: (Scoffs and laughs) Will I think someone's into your boobies.
WILL: It's Grace's
JACK: How can that be Grace's it's not even her size!
IRENE: (Comes in) Hey has anyone seen my bra?
GRACE: (Comes out) that's odd it usually takes me 2 napkins to fill each cup but this one took 5.
IRENE: Is it skin colored lined with daisies?
GRACE: Yeah.
IRENE: (Holds her hand out)
GRACE: (Takes it out through her sleeve and napkins falls out of from under her shirt)
IRENE: Will, I got your message.
JACK: (Hits the cushion) about time! We were sitting here for like an hour!
GRACE: Jack, it's been like two minutes.
JACK: (Looks at his watch) Oh my watch is broken how about that. (Calms down)
WILL: Ok, ok big news. Grace you ready?
GRACE: Yeah! (Gets excited and takes out a magazine) Will and I are entering a dancing contest at one of the most exquisite ballrooms of New York.
KAREN: You know (looks up, thinking) I don't really care.
WILL: That's not even half of it. If we win, we get like 50 thousand dollars and meet Carson Daily for lunch!
JACK: Carson Daily? I love Carson Daily.
GRACE: Don't forget Conan O'Brien.
IRENE: Conan O'Brien? I love Conan O'Brien!!
JACK & IRENE: (Starts squealing and bouncing on the couch)
KAREN: Wow….. Peppy Long Stalking (plays with Irene's pigtails), Scarecrow, take a good look at Dorothy and Tin Man. That's your future. (Pats Irene on the back) Anyways I already heard about the contest and I think we know who's going to win. (Stands up, getting ready to leave)
WILL: Yeah.
GRACE: (Same time as Karen) Us.
KAREN: (Same time as Grace) Me.
GRACE & KAREN: What?
GRACE: (Laughs) you don't even have a partner.
KAREN: Sure I do. My little Jackie.
JACK: Yeah we're going to kick your ass!
IRENE: Hey, hey, hey…I am entering too.
EVERYONE: (Looks at Irene)
IRENE: After I get a partner.
WILL: You know what we're doing?
JACK: Practicing.
JACK & KAREN: (Tripping everywhere, getting out)
WILL: (Grabbing Grace and dancing)
IRENE: (Running out)
SCENE II: Jack's Apartment
IRENE: (Coming in)
JACK: (Yelling at Karen) Come on you're dancing like you have two left feet!
KAREN: That's insulting, I have four!
IRENE: Hey.
JACK: Oh hi Irene.
KAREN: (Squeals and puts her nose up in the air) what is she doing here?
JACK: Oh I'm sorry, we're practicing.
IRENE: I know. (Smiles)
KAREN: (Looks scared) Poodle, what the hell is she doing she's freaking me out.
JACK: Is there something I can help you with?
IRENE: Yeah can you teach me how to dance?
JACK: (Harsh sigh)
KAREN: Why you little son of a homo I ought to- (Raises her fist)
JACK: Karen! (Holds her arm) Sit!
KAREN: Fine….. (Sits)
JACK: Ok listen sweetheart… no.
IRENE: But I already got a partner. (Opens a door and reveals a hot guy in a skin tight shirt)
JACK: (Seductive voice) Hello there.
IRENE: (Closes the door) Jack please do this for me and I promise I won't ask for anything ever again!
JACK: Irene I am a dancer (does this huge dance move) and I am fighting for the same thing you are so no.
IRENE: (Opens the door really fast)
JACK: Ok.
IRENE: (Shuts the door) Yay! (Jumps on Jack)
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey! (Claps) Ho and Mo cut that out. Now I want see Daily French O'Brien and refill my bank account!
JACK: You have a bank account?
KAREN: Yeah and I miss that feeling having a big wad of cash wrapped by a rubber band in between my bust. (Takes out a few bills) (Sighs) I knew I shouldn't have let Rosie take a few thou- to buy this year's edition of a "member's only jacket".
JACK: Karen (talks through the side of his mouth) I'm not going to let her know all I got, just a taste, a BIG taste so she thinks she's got the whole ga-hoon-a when really she's only got a bite of a wedding cake.
KAREN: Honey you know I don't get analogies or….allergies I forgot which.
IRENE: Karen (Opens the door and the hot guy gets gives Irene a jar of olives) I got you a present.
KAREN: Oh honey….all right. Jackie, go teach her.
JACK: (Talks through the side of his mouth to Irene) is he uh…
IRENE: Yes he is I knew that he would get to you.
JACK: O-la-la.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
GRACE: Will! Shoe crisis! (Falls in the living room)
WILL: What? Come on we got to go!
GRACE: I was going to wear my tango shoes but I broke the heel. Look (Shows him the shoe)
WILL: So wear your mamba shoes.
GRACE: Well I was going to wear that until I found out I outgrew them. (Shows him the shoe and the front of it is ripped open)
WILL: Geez Grace what did you do? If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, you don't cram your whole foot in there. Small feet are only popular in China.
GRACE: Well my feet were cold I didn't know when my toes were touching the front.
WILL: You know I can make a really witty joke with that. (Laughs a little)
GRACE: Save it, I have PMS.
WILL: Ok, wear your Latin shoes then.
GRACE: Uh hello? We're don't doing Latin!
WILL: We're not doing tango and mamba either!! Ugh come on (Drags her back in her room)
SCENE IV: Ballroom.
KAREN: Oh honey I'm so nervous. (Spazing) Or is it the expired caffeine pills I over dosed an hour ago. You know I love expired Mexican pills, it makes them chewable and my tongue burn. (Smiles)
JACK: Sh…its ok, it's ok I'm like (in an accent) lord of the dance, and we're going to kick butt!
JACK & KAREN: (Looking at a couple walking by)
KAREN: Can you wear any less you stupid whore? Praying if your boob will fall out you'll get first prize?
JACK: Stop that… (Stomps his foot) Hey man any tighter clothes you could see your balls! And shave that hairy chest no one likes to see that!
KAREN: (Laughs) Oh honey I am so happy we found each other. If I was a man, or you were a woman we would SO hook up.
IRENE: Hi guys.
JACK: Hey hot guy.
JAMES: For the third time my name is James.
IRENE: Karen, James, James, Satan.
KAREN: (Shakes his hand) glad to meet you.
IRENE: (Laughs) we're so kicking your ass.
JACK: I doubt it. I guess I can get the cat out of the bag, I didn't teach you diddly squat!
KAREN: (Giggles) He gave you the crappiest moves ever!
IRENE: (Smiles)
KAREN: Why is she smiling?
JACK: Maybe she's got her emotions mixed up.
KAREN: Oh I got something for that… (Digs through her purse and gives Irene a bottle)
IRENE: I am smiling because James studied at Interlochen. He majored in dance, HA!
JACK: Oh damn that Reese's pieces!
IRENE: See you on the dance floor (turns around and sticks her butt out, spitting out her tongue)
KAREN: (In the background, holding her nose)
WILL & GRACE: (Meets James and Irene at the door)
IRENE: Are those my shoes?
GRACE: No, these were in Will's closet.
WILL: (Winces) Actually…
IRENE: Hey! Give me those back!
GRACE: I am not going to be barefooted on the dance floor!
IRENE: You're cheating those are my shoes!
GRACE: How is that cheating? These aren't mechanical self-dancing shoes.
IRENE: You don't know that!
GRACE: (Beat) What?
IRENE: (Scoffs) Fine! (Turns around) Will just missed out a chance making out with my partner.
WILL: Why does Grace have to ruin everything!
GRACE: Oh come on you man-child… (Drags him on the dance floor)
WILL: (Dances with Grace) Ugh we are so going to win.
GRACE: What should I wear? For the lunch? I was thinking something slutty but… Conan is married.
WILL: He is? Dang I need to fix my gaydar.
GRACE: Why? Is it broken?
WILL: You know that doesn't sound right?
GRACE: Will I know your thingy is injured I saw you shaving it last night.
WILL: You did? It hurt! When does it stop stinging?
GRACE: Never, I've done it too and now it always itches.
JACK: (Dancing with Karen, behind them) My goodness you two have like the most boring conversations ever.
WILL: Hey dingus, who said you had to listen.
JACK: Oh right (Turns)
KAREN: (Becomes nearest) Sorry honey, I asked him the eavesdrop on you two because I hoped that Will would make a remark about Grace's um… dress (makes throwing up faces)
WILL: (Rolls his eyes at Karen) you know at times like this I really miss Vince.
GRACE: Will, its winter give me a break.
WILL: I'm not talking about your legs. Speaking of which, you should really do something about them, I saw you putting it into a pony tail last night when you were going into bed.
GRACE: what a liar, I was combing it with a brush.
WILL: Eh, whatever.
IRENE: (Dancing) hey what are you guys talking about.
EVERYONE: Hmph!
IRENE: Don't hate me because I have a hot guy as a partner while y'all got ugly ones.
JAMES: You know I am more than just a hot guy; I have layers like a Pillsbury biscuit.
GRACE: Yum, now you're talking.
KAREN: (Giggles) I love burying pills (beat) down my esophagus. (Smiles)
ANGELA: (On mic) Hello everyone and welcome to the rainbow room, my name is Miss Angela, host of this dance contest and head writer of "The In" magazine. The winners of tonight are going to a luncheon with NBC's most popular late night TV talk show hosts, Conan O'Brien and Carson Daily.
KAREN: What about Leno?
ANGELA: Leno unfortunately couldn't fit time in his schedule as he is going to get chin reduction this weekend, send some of the left over on EBay and spend the profit on buying a Bentley! Ok so without further ado we got a married couple, Jhoni Amiel with Mitchell Jackson doing Latin.
(Two people get on the floor and start dancing)
GRACE: Oh no.
WILL: What?
GRACE: I need to pee.
WILL: Well go! Hurry! I don't want you peeing in the middle of our routine.
GRACE: Hey I am an adult I can hold it in.
WILL: Does Jerry Michaels' graduation college party mean anything to you?
GRACE: Hey that was different! I had alcohol, you know how alcohol just slips out!
WILL: What have you been drinking? (Gives her a look)
GRACE: Yeah ok. (Runs and then trips on something and falls) (Picks up her shoe and her heel is broken, stares at it) Uh oh!
WILL: What?
GRACE: I broke Irene's shoes!
IRENE: (Over hears) What?!? No!! These were a gift!
WILL: (Gives her a look)
IRENE: Yeah ok… (Looks shameful) Grace owes me 19 dollars!
GRACE: No I'm broke!
IRENE: Well you should have thought of that before you took these shoes out of Will's closet! (Runs off)
WILL: Why do you always have to ruin everything?
GRACE: Will you stop saying that!?!
WILL: Now what?
GRACE: I'm not dancing barefooted!
WILL: I don't see how you're not!
GRACE: I'll find a way stop using your queer voice at me. (Stands up and goes over to Karen) Karen…..
KAREN: (Turns around) Oh hi honey, what can I do you for?
GRACE: I need to borrow your shoes.
KAREN: Ugh I thought you never ask! Ok honey I'll do you but you have to wear a strap on. Even though you're a female I still like my ding-dongs (Smiles)
GRACE: Karen did you even hear what I said?
KAREN: Does it look like it? I'm sorry I took so many pills I think if you hit me on the head a couple tablets will fall out of my ears, you have to speak louder.
GRACE: I need to borrow your shoes.
KAREN: (Realizing) Oh….no.
GRACE: If you do I promise I'll let you have your manicurist at work (Sing-song)
KAREN: Oh Gracie, I already do that when you're not around. (Shrugs) Besides you're filthy. Lending you my shoes is like giving my shoes to a hobo telling him to pee and drink his own urine out of it then putting it back on my foot.
GRACE: (Winces) that's the worst and not the mention grossest analogy you've put together yet.
KAREN: So you see my point. (Nodding and getting in Grace's face)
GRACE: Hey isn't that your pharmacist? (Points in the distance)
KAREN: (Facing to where Grace was pointing) Hi Pharmie!
GRACE: (Gets down on her hands and knees and tries to take off Karen's shoes)
KAREN: Wow…aren't you just a big lessie?
JAMES: (Passes by looking at them)
KAREN: Oh don't mind us, she's just pretending I'm a lollipop.
JAMES: (Looks at them weird and runs off)
GRACE: (Takes off one shoe) HA! Try dancing with one shoe!
KAREN: That's it, you owe me 1000 dollars. (Throws the other one at her) I don't even like the left one.
GRACE: That's not fair I already owe Irene 19
KAREN: Well you should have thought of that before you got your dirty hands on my Gucci Gucci!
GRACE: (Puts them on) I'm going to pretend the last two zeros don't exist! (Runs off)
KAREN: Jackie we have a problem, an ugly person who has a hunchback just ran off with my shoes.
JACK: (Eating) Oh. (Puts his plate down and takes shoes out of his jacket) Here. I had a feeling that on our way here that either Grace or hobo would use it as a toilet.
KAREN: Poodle, did you have this in your inner jacket pocket the whole time?
JACK: Mhm!
KAREN: No wonder your pecs were so hard! (Hits him on the chest)
GRACE: (Next to Will) Ok I stole shoes from Karen.
WILL: What? You two don't even have the same shoe size!
GRACE: Irene isn't either! Man why cant midgets have clown feet? Good thing my feet are cold.
WILL: (Scoffing) Yeah because if it wasn't then we'll be doomed. (Gives her a look)
IRENE: I heard you and Jack are clicking along.
JAMES: Yeah about that, I lied, I'm not gay.
IRENE: What? Why?!?
JAMES: Well you know, I know you got a gay dad, gay best friend, and your other friends who are girls are romantically involved with gays. (Looks over)
(Shows Karen and Jack fondling each other and Will and Grace hugging and doing small kisses)
IRENE: Yeah what are you saying?
JAMES: I'm saying, I also majored in theatre in Interlochen.
IRENE: (Big Gasp)
JAMES: And I only pretended to be gay just so you would…like me? And also I was a little questioning because you'll be surprised how many gay guys go to Interlochen. I was the only straight guy in theatre and dance. The rest were either gay or girls so…..
IRENE: Then it wasn't hard for you to find a girlfriend.
JAMES: No…Straighties were a rarity so girls get boyfriends that go to the public school nearest to us. I did have a lot of boyfriends though. (Laughs)
IRENE: How do I know that you're just not acting straight now?
JAMES: How many gay guys do law?
IRENE: (Looks up) Yeah I should have told you this before, my dad's a lawyer and he has three other gay men working under him.
JAMES: (Gives her a look)
IRENE: (Puts her hand up and closes her eyes) I know that sounds wrong but it's true.
ANGELA: (On mic) Wow wasn't that good?
(Audience claps)
ANGELA: (Off mic, to the judges) they are so not winning. (On mic, smiling) Ok our next couple is two best friends Will and Grace doing swing.
GRACE: Damn it I didn't get to pee!
WILL: Ew you booked us under Swing.
GRACE: What kind are we doing?
WILL: (Beat) Swing but it seems so disgusting when you perform it in a ballroom.
JACK: Oh my god Kare, we're next. (Squatting a little and standing up)
KAREN: Honey quit doing that you look like you have to pee.
JACK: I don't know, do I?
KAREN: (Sighs and gives him her shoe)
(Watches Will and Grace dance for a while)
GRACE: (Talking to Irene and James) I am just amazed at how you are a tap, I mean you are definitely going to win.
IRENE: (Mad a little) Yeah…
JACK: Was you just standing like a pole part of your routine?
IRENE: (Through her teeth) No.
KAREN: Huh that's interesting, so why did you stand there and do nothing?
IRENE: Because (glares at James) he stole the show.
JACK: (Scoffs) he certainly did!
KAREN: (Hits Jack)
JACK: What was that for?
KAREN: You know how much classic ballroom dancing is unsuitable in a dance competition in a ballroom!
JACK: Sorry I didn't know all these people were going to go out of their way to do flips and stuff.
WILL: Yeah the Chinese were scary.
ANGELA: (On mic) Ok and we have a tie! (Opens an envelope) Irene and James for tap and Will and Grace for swing!
JACK: What we didn't win?
KAREN: I knew I should have pulled off a Janet Jackson!
WILL: Flashing your boob?
KAREN: Of course, what you thought I was talking about her dancing? She sucks at dancing….
JACK: Hey I danced for her once.
KAREN: Yeah and look how good that did you! (Growls) I am so angry! (Stomps off)
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(Will, Grace, Irene, and James enter)
JACK & KAREN: (sitting on the couch and suddenly jumps up and down on it as they enter) How was it, how was it, how was it?!?
WILL: (Gives them a look) Get off the couch.
JACK & KAREN: Oh sorry (gets on the floor and jumps) How was it, how was it, how was it?
GRACE: It was nothing.
IRENE: Literally.
KAREN: Huh?
IRENE: O'Brien and Daily were too busy to come eat lunch with us so we had lunch with their publicist instead. What a bust…
WILL: (Sighs) that's it I am never trying anything ever again! (Goes to his room)
GRACE: Amen. (Goes to her room)
(Irene, James, Jack, and Karen look at each other)
JACK: So you want to get a doughnut.
IRENE: Yeah sure!
KAREN: Can I have one that has rum filling?
JACK: Of course.
KAREN: Oh good, I brought my own syringe. (Takes one out of her purse) I stole it from a sperm bank.
END
