SUMMARY: Irene's got a dirty little secret meanwhile Jack tries his best to cheer Will up after his break up with Vince. Will history repeat itself?
SCENE I: Hallway between all apartments
GRACE: (Taking out the trash)
IRENE: (Coming out of her apartment with James)
GRACE: (About to walk past them and go back inside but runs back, deciding to spy on them)
JAMES: Thanks for lending me your toothbrush.
IRENE: (Has a trash bag in her hand) Oh yeah it's no problem. I consider it like sharing a straw, no big deal.
JAMES: (Laughs and kisses her)
IRENE: (Pulling back) I know I should have mentioned it before but my bag has a leak.
JAMES: (Backs up revealing the crotch part of his pants is wet)
IRENE: (Laughs a little) I can run a blow dryer on that if you want.
JAMES: Nah I'll just shrink. My thingy is dry clean only.
IRENE: (Laughs again) I-I'll see you again tonight?
JAMES: Yeah (about to hug her then changes his mind)
IRENE: Hey (put the hand that's hold then bag behind her and hugs and kisses him on the cheek) call me.
JAMES: (Leaves in the elevator, giving a little wave before doors closing)
IRENE: (Steps out doing a little dance and a little water from the bag leaks all over the hallway and she notices) Oh crap.
GRACE: (Jumps behind a plant)
IRENE: (Doesn't notice her and throws away the trash going back in her apartment)
GRACE: (Runs back in Will's apartment)
IRENE: (Comes back out with paper towels, on her hands and knees wiping up the mess)
GRACE: (Coming back out short after) hi Irene… (In a funny voice) what'cha doing?
IRENE: Oh the janitor here sucks, I came out here and I slipped on pee so I thought I'd take the liberty on myself and clean it up. (Smiles)
GRACE: Really? What did you do last night?
IRENE: Um (stands up) watched a late movie, eat take-out…
GRACE: Did you sleep late?
IRENE: Yeah but its ok I feel a little energetic today, I might even go to the gym with Will. (Tosses her hair and smiles again)
GRACE: You're smiling a lot today (smiles back)
IRENE: Oh you know how those whitening strips just make you want to smile all day. (Beat) So I'll see you later?
GRACE: Like for dinner?
IRENE: No I'm going out.
GRACE: With who? (Smiles, holding her laugh back)
IRENE: A friend.
GRACE: Huh…so what about after?
IRENE: I think I am going to have a little sleep over party with my college friends, I hope you don't mind.
GRACE: (Thinks she's going somewhere and is all giddy) Not at all! Give me a hug! (Hugs her) I am so proud of you!
IRENE: (Backs off, awkward) Thanks… (Goes into her apartment backwards)
SCENE II: Breakfast.
JACK: So I was thinking we could go to the spa and get facials. Maybe they can buff out those depress lines on your forehead. I heard those can get deep and permanent.
WILL: (Pours everyone orange juice) No that's ok; I'm coping with this better than I thought I would. (Sits down)
KAREN: Well in that case I got news for you! Your daughter lost her virginity last night! (Laughs and starts clapping, bouncing in her chair) yay!
JACK: Oh my god! (Starts bouncing and clapping in his chair) Go Irene!
GRACE: What? I thought I was the only one who knew!
IRENE: (Gaping) (Beat) how did you all know?
WILL: And what made you all think that, that would make me feel better? (Looks at Irene)
IRENE: (Smiles) It was a mutual decision, daddy.
WILL: What about Brent?
IRENE: (Gasps) oh my god we've been away from each other for so long I forgot about his existence? Ah the hell with it, he's ugly.
KAREN: That's mean! Even for my taste! I just lost my appetite.
IRENE: I'm kidding; we took a break a week ago, just like Will and Vince. He's dating this girl named Lori and she has man-like muscles.
JACK: (Looks at her)
IRENE: Brent and I webcammed.
JACK: Oh.
WILL: You were always talking about saving yourself for marriage.
IRENE: (Going to the kitchen and getting seconds) I know but give me some credit, I didn't get my first kiss until I was 16.
GRACE: Will, when did you lose your virginity?
WILL: That's different I'm gay.
GRACE: (Gives him a look)
WILL: Ok but did you use protection?
IRENE: Of course (Sits down and kisses Will on the cheek)
JACK: So tell us what it was like? (In a nasal-y voice) did it hurt, did you bleed, or broke whatever you girls have down there?
IRENE: No, a little, and possibly.
GRACE: That big huh?
WILL: Hey, hey, hey this is breakfast not the casual sex talk café from sex and the city.
JACK: Well Karen, Grace, and I haven't done it in a long time we are wondering if they changed it.
KAREN: Also it's been like a hundred years since we lost our virginities we forgot what it was like.
IRENE: I don't really want to talk about it.
GRACE: Aw come on, Irene!
KAREN JACK: Yeah.
WILL: No! (Gets up and goes to his bedroom and slams the door)
JACK: Depress lines are working their way to his saggy cheeks I suppose I should take him to the spa now.
KAREN: You can you my account honey, here's my membership card. (Gives a card to him)
JACK: Thanks and can I buy a coat with this?
KAREN: (Laughs) sure why not, if you go to Barney's ask for Terry, wear something tight and maybe you'll get the coat free (winks)
SCENE III: Restaurant
KAREN: Honey are you sure she's here?
GRACE: I over heard her talking on the phone this is the place. Look there she is.
KAREN: Man just thinking I am going to see some action turns me on.
GRACE: Look there's James!
JAMES: (Sits down) this place is very nice.
IRENE: I'm putting the money we won in the dance competition in good use.
JAMES: (Smiles)
IRENE: You know something disturbs me. How you said you used to have…boyfriends.
JAMES: yeah?
IRENE: How far did you go with those boyfriends?
JAMES: You really want to know?
IRENE: (Beat) it would be interesting.
JAMES: Eh… 3rd base, not so much all the way.
KAREN: That is so hot…
GRACE: What did he just say?
KAREN: He's bi.
GRACE: Wow you can hear that all the way here?
KAREN: I'm the devil I hear all.
IRENE: Interesting…
JAMES: I hope that doesn't create any tension?
IRENE: Why should it? I've walked in my best friend doing some crazy stuff with his one night stands.
JAMES: Yeah.
IRENE: Listen um, I have to go I have this thing.
KAREN: Oh no!
GRACE: What?
KAREN: Irene is freaking out that James has been in bed with boys.
GRACE: Oh no!
KAREN: Stay there (points and pretends she has magical powers)
JAMES: Wait!
IRENE: You know usually I think gay guys were hot but I never thought I'd be going out with one it's icky. No wonder last night you kept putting it in the other hole. (Winces) Just…I'll talk to you later.
SCENE IV: Spa
WILL: (Getting a massage next to Jack) Thank you, Jack.
JACK: Hey no problem buddy, nothing beats being fondled by a stranger after heartbreak!
WILL: You know you are being a real good sport about this.
JACK: How so?
WILL: Every time you get a break up I kick you out of my apartment and tell you to call a pizza boy to make you feel better. You really go out of your way for me.
JACK: Yeah well you're my best friend and if you get right down to it I really care about you.
WILL: (Sighs) I miss Vince.
JACK: I know you do.
WILL: Did I make a mistake? Breaking up with him?
JACK: Will don't think too much about him! If it's one thing I've learned from dating thousands of men a month, is that if you break up with, "the one" then it's obviously not "the one" one day, you'll find "the one" and "the one" will be tall dark and handsome who will do absolutely everything for your happiness.
WILL: (Beat) Vince was tall dark and handsome.
JACK: (Sitting up) SHH! Are you with him now?
WILL: (sulking) No.
JACK: Then he isn't the one.
WILL: Then who is? I mean the only person I have been with for more than 20 years is Grace… and you but you're different.
JACK: What does that mean?
WILL: It means you have a memory of a goldfish, once you fall in love with someone, in the next 5 seconds you'll get over him.
JACK: Don't be so sure.
WILL: Huh?
JACK: You make me sound like I am some kind of person who is incapable of loving something more than a second.
WILL: It's a fact, you ask me to lend you 1000 dollars to buy a laptop you love and the next day you throw it out the door.
JACK: It wouldn't let me on the internet.
WILL: You need a connection first!
JACK: Well how was I supposed to know that, I am stupid remember? I didn't give up my whole day to be insulted.
WILL: Yeah sorry that I am taking up your lie-naked-in-your-apartment-all-day-and-watch-gay-porn time.
JACK: See that is just what I am talking about! Damn you Will, your depress lines are engraved in your skull, you can't get rid of it even with all the botox in the world! (Gets up, wraps towel around himself, and storms out)
SCENE V: Jack's Apartment
JACK: (About to go to Irene's)
IRENE: (About to go to Jack's)
(Meets in the middle of the hallway)
IRENE JACK: I need to talk to you. (Beat) Ok come in. (Beat) Huh? (Beat) Fine I'll go to yours. (Beat) Fine (beat) fine.
IRENE: (Holds Jack's lips together) we go to your apartment.
JACK: (Nods with Irene's fingers still on his lips and leads her in)
IRENE: Ok you go first.
(They sit on the couch)
JACK: Well today you know how I made a spa day with Will to cheer him up?
IRENE: Yeah?
JACK: During our massage he was like insulting me saying I can't be in a commitment and all that.
IRENE: That's mean.
JACK: Yeah I know he's the loner.
IRENE: (Gives him a look)
JACK: Ok that's harsh but you know he really hurt me. Ok now you.
IRENE: I went to lunch with James today, and we talked about his past boy-boy relationship and he said he went to third, is that gross? That's so gross!
JACK: (Gives her a look)
IRENE: Ok, not gross but now he's with me and knowing that his blank has been in my (coughs) it's a little icky!
JACK: hey you had a crush on me what difference does it make if he's gay or straight?
IRENE: (Beat) Huh. Good point, but I didn't sleep with you.
JACK: Your first kiss was with me, it's almost the same thing.
IRENE: (Thinks and nods) ok finish yours.
JACK: Months ago I used to like Will but Will said no to me because he was taken. To tell you the truth I was making a move today, hinting that I love him but he just totally shut me down.
IRENE: (Gapes) you still like him?
JACK: Oops, I meant to keep that to myself.
IRENE: You guys are so Ross and Rachel.
JACK: So it'll work.
IRENE: Yeah but cant you give it time? I mean he's right you're like a goldfish.
JACK: Oh my god, that's what he said!
IRENE: Of course, he's my dad, we're almost like the same person. I'm glad we talked this out.
JACK: Yeah, so it's set, you sleep with ex-homo, and I'll sleep with your dad.
IRENE: (Shake hands with him) don't say that to me ever again. (Leaves)
SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment
IRENE: (In bed with James, with clothes on) Yeah I don't know what it was but I am guessing last time we did it we were drunk, and I just cant do it now.
JAMES: I think what it is, is that back then you thought I was more straight than gay, but now you think I'm more gay than straight.
IRENE: (Sighs) Yeah. (Gets out) I'm just going to change into my PJs and we can have an old-fashion sleep over (jumps up happy) No (gestures) ok?
JAMES: Ok fine we can talk.
IRENE: I have a pair of um my dad's PJs, his are nice and soft so sometimes I wear them. They are in the first drawer in the dresser beside you. (Leaves)
JAMES: (Takes the PJs out)
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
JACK: (Comes in) Hey buddy.
WILL: (Watching TV and sighing) Hey Jack.
JACK: (Sits with him) What are you watching?
WILL: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with picture in picture Queer as Folk.
JACK: Oh so you're not busy (turns off the TV) we need to have a man to gay talk.
WILL: Listen before you start using your monkey-black crow hawking voice, I want to apologize for having a fit with you in the spa that was really uncalled for.
JACK: (Stands up and pulls his shirt down) Thanks I really appreciate that.
WILL: I mean it's just your nature that you change a lot and I wish I was more like you. I wish I can just change and be someone else who likes some other type and I really appreciate that you tried your best to cheer me up today. You're twice the friend I thought you were. (Stands up and strokes his arm and goes to the kitchen to get a drink) You want anything?
JACK: (Frozen and then soaks up everything he says) No that's ok. (Beat) I'm not doing anything tonight though…do you want to do something? We can just sit here all night and…talk.
WILL: Yeah. (Gestures Jack to come to him)
JACK: (Walks over to him and gives him a hug)
They sit on the couch and start talking.
SCENE VIII: Will's bedroom.
JACK: So that's how we broke up! (Laughs)
WILL: That's the worst thing you can do to a person! Telling him, he turned you straight.
JACK: Hey! I got the idea from you, telling Grace she turned you gay.
WILL: She didn't turn me gay, you did! I was fine being a boob man until-
JACK: I pointed out that men don't have boobs they have large pecs.
WILL: (Laughs a little) What? No!
JACK: (Looks at the clock) Hey have you realized that we've been talking for like 5 hours? It's 3 AM.
WILL: I wonder where's Grace…..
IRENE: (Comes in with James) Hey can we hang?
JACK: Sure Iry, hop on!
IRENE JAMES: (Climbs on and sits on the bed)
IRENE: (Gives Jack a look)
JACK: (Nods and smiles)
WILL: So (hits James on the knee) you gay, eh?
JAMES: A little.
IRENE: Dad!
WILL: What? You should marry him!
JACK: Yeah a family full of hags and gays, what could be better?
WILL: (Thinks) Yeah….
IRENE: We already have that now, two gays, three hags it's queer land here.
WILL: (Smiles and clears his throat) Well I am beat…you guys want to sleep over?
JAMES: Sure!
JACK: Ok but if I feel a hand on my ass…
WILL: It'll be your own hand.
Will and Jack sleep the normal way while Irene and James arrange themselves at the foot of the bed.
SCENE X:
GRACE: Ok this is the only place we havent checked, if they aren't here we're going to Motel 6!
KAREN GRACE: (Peeks in Will's Bedroom)
KAREN: Aw man, we missed all the action!
GRACE: Why does this always happen to me?
END
