SCENE I: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Comes out with a box)
GRACE: Hey! Wow, I haven't seen you up and around I was afraid I had to teach you how to walk.
WILL: (Laughs a little)
GRACE: What's in the box?
WILL: Vince had a drawer and I'm meeting him an hour before lunch just to drop it off.
GRACE: Are you sure you can handle it?
WILL: Yeah…..these things mean nothing to me now. (Takes things out) his emergency wallet, his hair gel, box of chocolate colored contacts…..
GRACE: Vince has an emergency wallet? What's in it? An extra hundred bucks and an anytime-subway ticket?
WILL: I don't know (puts down the box and looks in it) Wow you are good (takes the two things out and shows Grace)
GRACE: I miss you single, you seem much more fun and like me more.
WILL: That's funny, when you're single you're much needier and you hate me more.
GRACE: (Hits him) Shut up!
WILL: (Runs a little away and looks at her, rubbing his chest) Ow…..
GRACE: (Looks up thinking) that reminds me, I need you to wash my bed spread and buy me jellybeans.
WILL: What made you think of that? The hitting or the box?
GRACE: Box, see? (Takes out a packet of Jelly Bellies from the Vince box)
IRENE: (Comes in with Jack) Guess who we picked up from the airport.
WILL: Picked up or kidnapped?
JACK: A little of both.
IRENE: (Softly hits him) no picked up.
JACK: (Scoffs) he's never going to get it, we might as well tell him.
IRENE: My cousin!
WILL: (Confused) you don't have a cousin.
JACK: Not from your side, silly! You can only make your own baby if you're a hermaphrodite. (To Irene) I have a hermaphrodite friend who did it and made a clone of him-herself only with tons of deformity. Luckily he-she's rich and fixed it.
WILL: Anyways….
JACK: Oh yeah, so it's Diane's sister's son! (Opens the door and there's a guy on the other side) JUDE!
GRACE: There's something wrong with this picture, he's half Asian.
JACK: (Leading Jude inside) so is half his fathers.
WILL GRACE: (Really confused)
JUDE: Nice to meet you Uncle Will.
WILL: (Sighs, whining) Now I'm an uncle?
GRACE: I'm not even an uncle! My sisters are losers!
IRENE: Be nice, I've met him before but I was like 8. He's grown a lot!
WILL: Maybe that's because you haven't seen him for more than 10 years.
IRENE: Yeah that might be it.
JACK: Anyways we plus Karen are going to show him around the city because he comes from a small town in Texas.
WILL: Is everyone on the other half a hick?
JACK: Diane isn't a hick, she's a chick!
IRENE: Me too, me too! (Jumps)
JACK: Yeah you are, kiss me. (Bends over)
BOTH: (Stick their tongues out and does the shimmy)
GRACE: (Closing her eyes) Make it go away, Will.
JUDE: I feel awkward.
KAREN: (Popping out of the kitchen) and you should be, everything that has happened so far, hasn't made any sense.
WILL: Where did you come from?
KAREN: (Points at the door behind the kitchen) Stairs.
SCENE II: Park
JACK: Would it be inappropriate if I said I was oddly drawn to your cousin?
KAREN: Honey, I'm oddly drawn to him too.
(Shows Jude on camera)
KAREN: His shorts are enormously tight and high.
JACK: We need to take him out shopping because that is just wrong, he has a nice ass but he's using it the wrong way.
IRENE: You guys, he's my cousin, stop mentioning his ass. Who cares if it's nice and intriguing? (Tilts her head a little and snaps out of it) Ew he's so hot. I mean NOT HOT! (Winces and hides her face in her hands) Ok yeah shopping is a good idea.
SCENE III: Luncheon
WILL: (Sitting across Vince) thanks for meeting up with me for lunch. I-I just wanted to give you your stuff back.
VINCE: Yeah thanks, I realized I had some of your stuff too. (Takes out a box of his own) most of it is porn, but I supposed that you wanted to return them to the movie rental yourself and double check that I rewound the tape "correctly".
WILL: (Switch boxes and sighs) so it's official.
VINCE: Yeah. (Beat) you look good.
WILL: So do you. (Smirks) Who's this guy you've been dating.
VINCE: I havent been dating anyone. I havent even decided to date again yet.
WILL: Wow, really? I saw you at that tea place-
VINCE: Yeah I know, I saw you. The guy I was with used to work as an officer too, he also got fired for trying on gloves. H-he was just giving me advice on how to get over it all and find a new job.
WILL: Oh.
VINCE: Truth is, I didn't get out of bed until today.
WILL: Same.
VINCE: It's kind of refreshing seeing your face again. (Touches his hand)
WILL: (Takes his hand back and nods)
VINCE: I still cant believe-
WILL: Yeah…..but it's over.
VINCE: (Head lowers and sighs) I-I guess I'll see ya.
WILL: (Nods again and leaves)
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
GRACE: Give me a hug! (Hugs Will) I am so proud of you, that is so not you but I forgot where I was going with this but I am so proud of you!
WILL: Thanks, it hurt a lot but (sighs) I think I got closure.
JACK: Ladies and Gay-lies! Presenting Jude (Coughs and gags).
JUDE: (Enters with Irene) For the last time my last name is Sing. How hard can that be?
JACK: Sorry I don't speak Chinglish.
GRACE: Irene, where's Jude?
IRENE: This is him (points)
WILL: That's impossible, last time we saw him he was average looking, leaning on the ugly side.
JACK: We sensed his potential sexiness and turned this don't into is do, do, do! (Gasps and realizes something) I'm so Queer eye material! Finally I have a reason to stalk Jai!
KAREN: Don't forget me; I was the one that put the needle into his lips. Making them huge and kissable… (Laughs and acts all smitten) One time I used it on my boobs. It works….
IRENE: Come on it's late; you're crashing at my place.
JACK: Yay.
IRENE: Not you, Jude!
JACK: Ugh that's rude.
KAREN: Hey that rhymes (beat) Dude. (Giggles)
JACK: (Enters and sits next to Will) Hey sexy you looking hot. Ouch got bags under your eyes though, but that's ok I got a cream for it. (Takes out a tube from his pants)
WILL: Thanks…. (Takes it)
KAREN: Will, I saw you with your former lover at the luncheon. You two back together?
GRACE: Uh Karen? Remember our talk about asking questions with obvious answers?
KAREN: So you are! Honey, I'm so happy for you.
GRACE: No they didn't.
KAREN: Oh well in that case, I owe you a dry hump. Ah strike that, I'll just a sleep with you. I'll just run home and get my strap on and you put on a condom. (Leaves)
WILL: Ah better get ready. (Goes to his bedroom)
JACK: So what did you do today?
GRACE: I worked. I had this client who was on a budget and I almost had to do everything by hand, at the end of the day I was so high I thought Carson Daily was a chicken and when I realized that he wasn't-
JACK: Ok Grace I don't really care, I was hoping you'd give me a 5-worded answer and ask me about my day. (Beat) Hint: ask me about my day!
GRACE: What did you do today?
JACK: I made my 4th ugly person, pretty and I long to do what Karen is doing.
GRACE: Have…two…thingys?
JACK: (Scoff) I wish!
GRACE: You still like Will?
JACK: Yeah but I'm playing it safe, I know he's going through a lot but man! I really want to get with that hairy olive!
GRACE: I know what you mean, one time Karen mistaken Will's finger as an olive and put it in her drink. She then tried to eat it but-
JACK: Ok again, don't care!
SCENE V: Irene's Apartment
IRENE: (Knocking on a door) Jude, hurry up, I need to shower too.
JUDE: (Other side of the door) Give me a second.
IRENE: (Sits on the couch reading a magazine)
JUDE: (Comes out in a towel, drying his hair with another one) Iry, do you have a blow dryer.
IRENE: Yeah it's just- (turns around and gapes, dropping her magazine and start saying random words) I…fit…towel…Bally Total Fitness…
JACK: Irene we need to have a girl talk. (Sees Jude) Hello (looks at him up and down)
JUDE: (Puts on his glasses) Are you guys ok?
IRENE JACK: Oh yeah.
SCENE VI: Hallway.
JACK: No make him appear again, mommy.
IRENE: Jack, what am I going to do? He's my cousin, he's my cousin, oh this is so gross, it's just like the Brady Bunch movie where Greg and Marcia are just (makes a lot a noises with her throat and gestures)
JACK: If that means, you're not making a move, then can I have him?
IRENE: He's not gay!
JACK: He sure dresses like a queer.
IRENE: That's because you dressed him! I cant have him over Jack, I'm going to have to share a bed with him, I only got one bed. You know what that means?
JACK: He's going to sleep over at my place?
IRENE: No! He's got to sleep over at Karen's. Besides, she's not going to be home, she's going to have sex with Will, right?
JACK: Yeah…. YEAH!
BOTH: (Goes back in Irene's apartment)
JUDE: (In his boxers) hey what's up?
JACK: (In a whimpy voice) Can I sleep over?
SCENE VII: Bedroom.
IRENE JUDE: (Sleeping opposite sides)
IRENE: (Voice, thinking) He's your cousin, he's your cousin, he's your cousin.
JUDE: Irene, are you awake?
IRENE: Yeah.
JUDE: How old are you now?
IRENE: 21, why'd you ask?
JUDE: I just totally forgot our age difference.
IRENE: You're 31 now right?
JUDE: Yeah. Remember when you were 8 I took you to the zoo on my motorcycle and you fell asleep while watching the monkeys groom each other and I rode back to my house, put you in my bedroom to have a good nap.
IRENE: No.
JUDE: Of course, you were asleep.
IRENE: (Laughs) Remember back when I first met your girlfriend and I got so jealous because she was so pretty.
JUDE: (Laughs) Yeah, if I didn't know any better I'd thought you have a crush on me.
IRENE: I didn't know any better then. (Turns around to face Jude) Whatever happened with that girl?
JUDE: We broke up. (Turns around and faces Irene) Whatever happened with our friendship, huh? I remembered we had much more fun than this.
IRENE: We're grown up. I was still and immature kid when you last saw me, I was fun then but now I'm too serious.
JUDE: Can I ask you a question?
IRENE: Sure.
JUDE: Does Jack have a crush on me?
IRENE: (Laughs) He does have a little one.
JUDE: I almost thought this wasn't going to work, when I first saw you I thought, "Wow she has a nice body" then I met Karen.
IRENE: (Laughs)
JUDE: I know that's disturbing because we're family.
IRENE: It's ok, I was the same but ew, you're my cousin.
JUDE: Yeah gross….
IRENE: (Beat) You can sleep with Jack though! (All happy)
JUDE: Really?
IRENE: Yeah and Karen too! Although not today because she's busy sleeping with my dad today.
JUDE: Hah, ok I'll take her up on that offer.
END
