SCENE I: Hallway.

JACK: (Sitting at café Jacque's)

KAREN: (Comes off the elevator) hey poodle, I came as soon as you called.

JACK: I called you a half an hour ago.

KAREN: (Squealing) well it's not my fault that driver slowed down at a school zone and nicked a fourth grader's knee. His mother kept yelling and spitting at me all I could say was, "Hey thanks for the shower, I already took one this morning!" (Beat) So what can I do you for? (Sits down)

JACK: I need to find a way to come out.

KAREN: (Sighs and sits back) Oh boy, isn't this your 4th time with this problem? Why cant you just march up to the person and give him/her your card that says, "guess what?" on one side and "I'M GAY" on the other.

JACK: Not that kind of come out. I've finally decided to tell Will I have feelings for him.

KAREN: (Gasps) Really? Honey I'm so proud of you! This is the smartest thing you've done since you decided to stop putting gel in your hair.

JACK: (Beat) I'm wearing gel now.

KAREN: Oh sorry poodle, I meant smartest thing until you decide to stop putting gel in your hair.

JACK: (Looks up and nods)

KAREN: I'm with you every step of the way. (Slaps him on the knee) Now let's go!

JACK: Karen! Not now! It's tradition that you tell someone you love them in the PM. Not in the AM because he can be all mad at you all day while in the PM he can sleep on it.

KAREN: Oh you're right. We can also slip him one of my knock-out pills so he can REALLY sleep on it. (Smiles)

SCENE II: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Sitting at the dining table)

GRACE: (Eating a doughnut) What are you thinking about?

WILL: (Sighs) nothing. Just this whole Vince thing.

GRACE: I thought you were over it.

WILL: I am over it but… you know who has been there for me every step of the way?

GRACE: Me.

WILL: That's male…

GRACE: Me.

WILL: (Looks at her)

GRACE: You said I peed standing up once.

WILL: Because you did, I had to clean up the mess afterwards and gave you a 2 hour lecture on how you shouldn't ever try that again!

GRACE: (Retarded voice) Well sorry!

WILL: I've been thinking about Jack lately and he's just so… understanding. Oh my god, did I just say that?

GRACE: You did, it's the sign of the apocalypse!

WILL: Ever since this catastrophe he's been supportive, nice, and selfless….

GRACE: (Sing-Song) you like him.

WILL: Please.

GRACE: Hey it's possible, you slept with him accidentally 2 times.

WILL: Not accidentally, we were drunk.

GRACE: And remember how you freaked out about Karen's boat thing?

WILL: We didn't sleep with each other that time we just cuddled naked. (In a manly voice) man-cuddling!

GRACE: You are so gay.

WILL: Jack's my best friend. Nothing more.

GRACE: Look he's had a crush on you before, how do you know he doesn't have one now. Now that you're single…

WILL: Oh be quiet.

GRACE: You don't want to listen because you know it could happen. (Sing-song) La-di-da-di-da-di-da….

WILL: Stop!

GRACE: Fine…. (Mumbles) Jack-lover.

WILL: Hey!

GRACE: (Mumbles) Will loves Jack.

WILL: Quit it or else I'm not doing your laundry for a week.

GRACE: But I'm on my last pair of clean underwear! (Calms down) Fine you win.

SCENE III: Hallway

IRENE: (Comes out of her apartment)

JACK: Hey Irene I need to talk to you.

IRENE: I cant Jack, I'm late for school.

JACK: No, no, but it's really important.

IRENE: Sorry, I really cant, I'm almost an hour late.

JACK: (Sad) Ok.

IRENE: Are you sure it cant wait?

JACK: Yeah it's ok I'll see you when you get back.

IRENE: Thanks. (Gets the elevator) nice to see you smiling again.

JACK: (Smirks)

IRENE: (Leaves)

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Coming out of her bedroom, yawning)

WILL: (Setting the table) how was your afternoon nap?

GRACE: I wasn't napping (beat) I was meditating…..

WILL: I heard you snoring.

GRACE: (Scoffs) I think you've mistaken that as my chant. (Beat) (Watches Will set the table) Who's coming over?

WILL: Jack, he's coming over for a little meal before lunch and dinner. You know what I find weird is that we have a name for a meal between breakfast and lunch. Brunch, but we don't have one between lunch and dinner.

GRACE: Maybe we should make one up and add it in our small booklet of secret code.

WILL: Yeah next to the words kanatawala meaning the Old Testament. (Puts candles on the table)

GRACE: Candles? For a Lunner with Jack?

WILL: Ew, is that what we're going to call it? I was hoping for along the lines of Dich (spits out the "ch" as if it was a Jewish word)

GRACE: You hope a lot of things along the lines of "Dich" (Makes it sound like Dick) Don't change the subject.

WILL: well I've had these candles for like years it's about time I start…wasting them. Also it wouldn't hurt to have the apartment smell vanilla-y.

GRACE: Because Vince smells like vanilla?

WILL: No! I am over him! (Goes to the kitchen and starts putting food on the table) Don't you have something better to do like put a Q-tip in your ear and fish out a dime?

GRACE: You just want me to go away so you and your lover can have a little Dich! (Turns around and leaves)

SCENE V: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (In a suit) how's this?

KAREN: (Sitting on the counter) You're telling someone you love them, not coming out as straight.

JACK: Yeah you're right, this is Will's anyways. (Goes to his bedroom and change) (Off screen) I wonder what he'll be making.

KAREN: (Takes a sip of her drink) I don't know, supposing since both of you are gay… (Beat) sperm?

JACK: (Comes out) This?

KAREN: Honey, I don't get what you're getting all worked out about. It's an everyday after-lunch-before-dinner meal…. And that's too straight even for my taste.

JACK: (Goes back in his room) (Off screen) I know it's going to be like just any other day, but what if it's not going to turn out that way? This might be the day our lives change and actually go somewhere.

KAREN: You're really serious about this aren't you?

JACK: Yeah, where have you been!

KAREN: Oh I'm sorry, poodle, I'm being insensitive. What I am trying to say is…..I don't see how you two can work out. You're stupid and he's Einstein. He's getting hotter while you're getting fatter. He's getting nicer as you become more and more bitchy….. (Shrugs and looks up thinking) (rolls her eyes) not a match made in heaven if you ask me.

JACK: Ok get out, now.

KAREN: (Laughs) oh that's funny.

JACK: I mean it, if you're not going to take me seriously, then you are wasting my time. Out!

KAREN: Fine! (Hops off the counter and runs out the door)

SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: (On her couch)

KAREN: (Sits with her) I mean isn't that mean? Not that I care because I don't need to reassure myself that I am more evil. Just…how dare Jack insult a rich sexy person?

IRENE: (Beat) (Confused) why are you here? (Beat) Don't you hate me or something?

KAREN: Honey stay in tune I hate it when you make everything about you.

IRENE: (Sighs) Karen, you're nature is being insensitive.

KAREN: (Looks touched by Irene's comment)

IRENE: But this is one of those things you have to be…..sensitive about. (Nods) Everyone is benefiting from this. Grace gets a new mo as her husband.

KAREN: (Nods in agreement)

IRENE: I get two daddies.

KAREN: (Nods again) every girls' dream.

IRENE: And you get a new friend.

KAREN: (Gasps) honey you're right. The only thing Will and I ever bond over with was a book of pharmaceuticals! Now we can bond over gay sex! (Laughs) It's brilliant.

IRENE: See? (Smiles) Ok now get out, what you just said was gross and put bad chi in my apartment. (Hits Karen's butt as she walks out the door)

KAREN: (Pinches the side of Irene's scalp) Hmm, you're smart. This is where your cheek would be if you were tall.

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

(Will and Jack are done eating)

JACK: Well that was some nice Dich.

WILL: (Laughs) glad you liked it, maybe next time we'll have some over at your place.

JACK: Yeah I'm down with that. (Beat) Listen I got something to tell you. (Holds Will's hand)

WILL: Me too. (Smiles and puts his other hand on Jack's) oh but you first.

JACK: No that's ok, you can go.

WILL: (Laughs) Ok together 1…..2…..3…..

BOTH: I have feelings for you….. oh my god me too!

JACK: (All giddy and smiling)

BOTH: (Long pause)

JACK: (Talking through his smile) now what?

WILL: (Doing the same) I don't know I guess that's it.

JACK: Hm…..this is awkward. Too late for a date and too early to go to the bedroom…..

WILL: Whoa I'm not at that stage yet.

JACK: Me either, you still look like a giant furry green grape to me.

WILL: And you still look like glue mixed with cream cheese to me.

JACK: I miss insulting you.

WILL: Me too. Oh don't tell Grace that I told you that I had feelings for you because she had a hunch, I just threw her off track because she gets cocky and starts hitting….a lot.

JACK: (Smiling again and nodding) (Talking through his teeth) seriously, what now?

WILL: Gay kiss.

JACK: Yay!

BOTH (Kiss and pull away) Hmm…..

JACK: Well wasn't that just yummy. (Laughs and then stops)

WILL: I didn't think it would be this weird after I told you.

JACK: Oh this isn't weird for me, yeah, now I have a reason to stock up on condoms again. Let me ask you, do you like strawberry or natural flavored.

WILL: They make flavors now?

JACK: Heck yes my friend Roy just eat them like fruit roll ups.

BOTH: (Laugh awkwardly)

JACK: Well thanks for this I should really get back to my place and get ready to come back here for dinner. (Smiles)

WILL: Yeah I better wash these dishes and set them out again on time.

JACK: Ok (Walks to the door, hand on the knob and looks back)

WILL: (Picks up some dishes and looks at him)

JACK: See ya.

WILL: (Nods and smirks)

SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (Enters and starts dancing)

KAREN: (Pops out of his bedroom) Hey honey.

JACK: (Stops) What I wasn't dancing.

KAREN: Yeah from what that looked like you were having a seizure. Grace told me you and Will shared Dich. How was that like?

JACK: It was fantastic! Its official now can you believe it? I cant believe it.

KAREN: (Looks up confused) don't you usually hook up before agreeing to have a little dich?

JACK: Get that filthy little word out of your filthy little mind and give me your filthy big ass so I can slap it and pretend its Will's.

KAREN: (Bends over)

JACK: (Spanks it twice and sighs) Glad I got that out of me.

KAREN: Anytime.

SCENE IX: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Listening to music, cleaning, and dancing)

GRACE: (Comes in) Hey Will.

WILL: (Stops, hides his feather duster, and sits on the couch listening to music) I wasn't joy cleaning.

GRACE: Huh, I think you were. What happened? Last time you joy danced it was only because Drew Barrymore answered your fan letter.

WILL: Ok I got some big news for you.

GRACE: Am I going to like it?

WILL: You are going to love it.

GRACE: What is it?

WILL: Can I tie your hands behind your back with this rope first?

GRACE: Oh my god is there a rapist here?

WILL: (Winces) No! Just come on. (Turns Grace around and ties her hands together and turns her facing him again) you ready?

GRACE: (Thinking this is ridiculous) yes.

WILL: Jack and I are an item!

GRACE: (Starts screaming and tries to hit him)

WILL: (Flinches)

GRACE: If this rope wasn't restraining me I would SO hit you!

WILL: That's what there for.

GRACE: Untie me you big goof.

WILL: (Unties her)

GRACE: (Pushes him at the chest and starts screaming again) I cant believe this, I really cant. (Hugs him) This is the best thing that's ever happened ever since Drew Barrymore answered our fan letter!

WILL: I know! Although…..

GRACE: Way to kill the mood.

WILL: Sorry it's just that, now that things are happening between Jack and me….. I found out that ever since he and I met each other we always had this secret thing going on between us.

GRACE: Chemistry?

WILL: Yeah and it's like

GRACE: You were destined to be together?

WILL: Yeah but now that it's happened.

GRACE: You don't know what to do.

WILL: (Beat) (Smiles)

GRACE: Let me tell you a little story. (Hugs him) I was in college and I met this scrappy young man who had long wavy hair. Dark and handsome…..and his name was William Truman.

WILL: (Smiles)

GRACE: It was love at first sight and even though things didn't work out we were destined to be together as best friends forever and ever.

WILL: So sweet.

GRACE: (Kisses his cheek) you and Jack are the same thing just friends first then partners. Of course it'll be awkward but you know what to do sooner or later. I've always had a hunch one day you two would hook up. (Lets go of him) Ok you need to make dinner for all of us buddy. You're not only a full time gay man, you're also a mom. (Goes to her bedroom)

WILL: (Smiles and gets started)

SCENE X: Dinner

(Everyone is sitting at the table, eating)

KAREN: Finally these two hooked up. I was just giving up hope on grandkids.

GRACE: (Beat) Me too.

WILL: It's not a big deal you guys it was a mutual decision. Everyone was waiting for it to happen sooner or later and it happened. (Smiles and then it fades away) Great, now taking care of Jack's going to be a full time job and eat most of my time watching the cooking channel away. (Looks at Jack) Whatever it's worth it.

JACK: (Smiles) Should we have a date?

KAREN: No silly! You've been committed a little under 20 years just hop into the sack and make a video. (Takes a camera out of her purse) I took a cinematography class Ron Howard was doing. (Beat) On the streets (Laughs a little) he's not cute anymore. Yesterday he taught me how to put music on it and gave me a CD of porn's greatest hits.

IRENE: (Bummed)

GRACE: Why do you look so sad?

IRENE: I cant make out with Jack anymore.

JACK: Well sure you can gay men cant marry in New York so I'm technically not your daddy.

IRENE: Yay! Kiss me!

KAREN: Me too, me too!

JACK: (Sighs) why do I only get this kind of offers from females? (Kisses Irene) Muah (Kisses Karen) Muah

KAREN IRENE: Yay!

WILL: (Looks at Grace)

GRACE: Ugh, kiss me later I just ate something with onions.

END