AUTHOR'S NOTE: Warning, crappy story.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Enters with Jack, holding his hand) Thanks for the date, it was fun.

JACK: Yeah it was, wasn't it?

WILL: You want to come in?

JACK: Oh you know me well enough to not ask. (Enters and sits on the couch)

WILL: I still find it weird.

JACK: Same, maybe I should move somewhere away from this floor so I can not see you 24/7.

WILL: (Nods) But you're never going to get to that.

JACK: Oh you know me too well (Laughs and sighs) I guess this is the end of our official first date. (Holds out his hand)

WILL: (Shakes it)

JACK: This is the part where I'd usually sleep with someone and sneak out in the middle of the night but I think I can make an exception. (Winks)

WILL: (Laughs a little)

JACK: (Walks to the door)

WILL: (Walks with him) I'll call ya.

JACK: No you wont I'll just come over.

WILL: True…..

BOTH: (Kind of stand there)

JACK: Ok bye (kisses him and leaves)

GRACE: (Comes out scoffing) what was that?

WILL: What?

GRACE: A kiss goodnight? No groping? I am very disappointed in you.

WILL: You're starting to sound like Jack.

GRACE: Well I have to Jack's not Jack anymore.

WILL: What are you talking about we had a great time out tonight.

GRACE: He's trying too hard now, he's not himself.

WILL: I'll have you know at dinner he balanced a spoon on his nose and slapped the waiter's ass and said, "Sorry I dropped my menu."

GRACE: Ok… so how was it? (Smiles)

WILL: Great, I love him; oh I love him so much.

GRACE: Look at you all happy and giddy. I think he's the one.

WILL: It's a given.

NICK: (Getting dressed) hey Will.

WILL: Hey Nick- NICK! (Looks at Grace)

GRACE: Oh would you look at that? Nick is here and he's half naked. (To Nick) Get out, get out while you can. RUN!

NICK: (Goes to the door) you look good Will.

WILL: (Turns fully towards him and puts his hands on his hips)

NICK: (Backs out the door)

WILL: Did you put out?

GRACE: Almost, you see, you interrupted the moment.

SCENE II: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (Sleeping)

IRENE: (Comes in) Jack…..

JACK: (Wakes up) Irene?

IRENE: Hey. (Crawls into bed with him)

JACK: What's up?

IRENE: Just felt like coming over.

JACK: (Hugs her and looks at her) Have you been crying?

IRENE: (Sighs) yeah but it's nothing.

JACK: Really? You don't want to talk about it?

IRENE: I do…..but I'm not ready.

JACK: Oh ok…..

IRENE: Can I spend the night?

JACK: Sure, sure.

IRENE: Don't tell Will, ok?

JACK: (Nods)

SCENE III: Out TV.

JACK: (In his office shooting rubber bands at the ceiling)

IRENE: (Comes in)

JACK: (Almost falls out of his seat and starts typing on the computer.

IRENE: Here's the updated casting list of the sitcom Wilbert and Gretchen. Big hit!

JACK: You don't look happy.

IRENE: Oh sorry. (Smiles) Big hit!

JACK: You know you haven't been yourself lately.

IRENE: I have a lot on my mind, don't worry about it.

JACK: Well I do worry, not only am I your boss but I am also your second daddy.

IRENE: (Smiles) I better get to work.

JACK: Fine but if you ever need to talk I'm here.

IRENE: (Goes to the desk, same room as Jack and just sits there)

JACK: You want to talk now?

IRENE: yes!

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Talking on the phone and cooking at the same time) I can't believe you're blowing me off! (Winces) Get that image out of your head. (Beat) I'm really upset, I am wearing just-ironed khakis and they feel nice. Fine….. (Hangs up)

JACK: (Walks in with the phone) Hey Will.

WILL: What? You just said you were too busy to have dinner with me on the phone!

JACK: Yes I know, you see, that was the boyfriend Jack. (Jumps and does jazz hands) This is your best friend, Jack.

WILL: Oh great double the Jack and I'm still unhappy.

JACK: Listen sweet heart I need to talk to you about something important. (Harsh sigh)

WILL: Oh my gosh you're breaking up with you.

JACK: Ugh, I wish! No it's worse than that it's about our daughter Dorothy.

WILL: What about her?

JACK: Oh I promised not to tell! (Grabs the crotch of his pants and bounces)

WILL: (Looks up) ok now I understand why I didn't get a piece of that earlier.

JACK: (Hits him playfully and giggles) stop that I'm trying to be the friend me pretty soon my boyfriend me will jump out and make out with you.

WILL: Ok what happened to Irene?

JACK: I cant tell you all the details but she's really depressed.

WILL: If you're not going to tell me everything why did you even mention it to me? Now I am all worried.

IRENE: (Comes in) Hey.

WILL: My baby! (Cries and runs over to her and hugs her)

IRENE: (Head smashed into Will's chest) Jack, what did you tell him?

JACK: Nothing, he's just freaking out over nothing.

WILL: Irene, what's going on?

IRENE: I don't want to say, I'll tell you eventually but for now just Jack will do. (Goes to the kitchen and continues Will's cooking)

WILL: I cant believe this, you choose Jack over me? Add paprika…

IRENE: (Adds it) Will, it's always been like that, why do you care now?

WILL: Uh you're made out of my sperm not his.

IRENE: (Tastes a little of whatever he's making) Will, I really don't need this right now, please?

WILL: (Looks at Jack)

JACK: (Raises his eyebrows and nods)

WILL: Fine.

JACK: Actually, Will, can I talk to you in the bedroom?

IRENE: Ugh I'm 21 why cant you guys just say, "I want to do you" in front of me?

WILL: (Looks at her)

IRENE: Oh I just got why….. (takes another bite and smiles)

SCENE V: Bedroom.

WILL: What's this all about?

JACK: I think we should break up.

WILL: What? I knew this was going to happen, it's all in your nature!

JACK: No I have a really good reason!

WILL: What?

JACK: Maybe it's better if we stayed friends, you know? I mean it wasn't going to work out, you knew it, I knew it, last night was WEIRD. I had to get the waiter's number just to get through it.

WILL: (Looks at him)

JACK: Don't get jealous I flushed it down the toilet in the men's room. (Beat) I cant be myself in front of you anymore, I'm afraid to be. I mean I know I've known you for almost 20 years but even so, when I'm with you, I'm not Jack…I'm Phillip.

WILL: What?

JACK: Phillip is my middle name pay attention! (Beat) I miss insulting you, I miss bossing you around like a maid. I cant do that as your boyfriend I have to like, say you're pretty and let you boss me around! Come on…..we were always friends with benefits. I kiss you as much I kiss Karen. And you kiss me as much you kiss Grace. And all four of us make out with Irene so she doesn't feel left out!

WILL: I guess you're right….. I mean if it turned out to be serious and I…..lost you, it wouldn't ever be the same between us.

JACK: Yeah. Let's just make a deal. Every time both of us are single at the same time we flirt that crap out of each other and sleep with one another once a week.

WILL: Oh I don't know, Grace has a water pick.

JACK: (Winks) so do I. Come on don't be a spoil sport. This way I can be comfortable….. (Smiles)

WILL: Fine, whatever makes you comfortable. (Hugs and kisses him) Wow (looks at his watch) I think we're the new Britney Spears our relationship lasted 26 hours.

SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs.

GRACE: Man I'm bored.

KAREN: (Reading a magazine)

GRACE: No clients today, what a bust. We're hitting a dry spell. Do you have a magazine I can borrow?

KAREN: Honey, look around, there's magazines everywhere.

GRACE: I know I was hoping you'd get up and hand me one, my butt is sleeping.

KAREN: (Takes a drink) no.

GRACE: Please?

KAREN: No.

GRACE: Well do you have any ideas to make today fun?

KAREN: How about you shut your trap and I read Allure?

GRACE: (Whines)

KAREN: Ok, ok! I got a game we can play!

GRACE: Yes! What?

KAREN: Ok I got 10 bottles of pills here. Whoever finds the most matches wins. Like by color.

GRACE: (Pops open a bottle) Karen, these are filled with jelly beans.

KAREN: I know but they are all liquor flavored. Strawberry Daiquiri, Scotch on the rocks, Virgin Mary, and Tequila shot!

GRACE: Huh.

KAREN: Ok so lets play, and whoever loses has to eat a bottle full of choice. On the bag it said to not drive after eating some so I suppose you can get wasted from these.

SCENE VII: Dinner.

KAREN: Ugh hi J-Lo and Britney. You two got commitment problems.

WILL: It was mutual.

KAREN: Mutual smooch-ial I wanted to see some gay action! Now I'll never. (Pouts)

IRENE: I got to go. (Leaves)

GRACE: Look what you did! You upset your daughter.

JACK: Who are you talking to?

GRACE: All three of you guys!

SCENE VIII: Hallway.

WILL: (Knocks on the door) Irene, open up.

JACK: Yeah we're really sorry.

IRENE: (Opens up) Will you quit making everything about yourselves?

EVERYONE: (Goes into her apartment)

KAREN: Irene…..

GRACE: Where's all your stuff?

IRENE: I don't know it was like this when I got here!

WILL: Iry…..

IRENE: (Sighs) I'm leaving.

GRACE: What?

IRENE: I'm…..leaving New York. For good. And it has been a very tough decision but I've made up my mind.

WILL: Does this have to do with that letter?

IRENE: Only a half….. I'm not going back to see Joanne…I'm going back to make my own life because I got a reality check and realized that I am not going to be with Will forever. I have to grow up and have my own life. All my life I have just been this kid sticking to her parents like her life depended on it and…..I don't have to be like that anymore I'm independent.

WILL: (To Jack) is this the thing you wouldn't tell me?

JACK: Yeah and just so all of you know I support Irene 100. (Goes over to her and pats her on the back)

WILL: (Lowers his head)

IRENE: Dad, say something.

WILL: I guess 5 years of knowing you is enough.

IRENE: (Smiles a little)

WILL: (Hugs her)

IRENE: (Starts crying a little)

EVERYONE: (Group hug)

END