AUTHOR'S NOTE: Warning, crappy story.
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Enters with Jack, holding his hand) Thanks for the date, it was fun.
JACK: Yeah it was, wasn't it?
WILL: You want to come in?
JACK: Oh you know me well enough to not ask. (Enters and sits on the couch)
WILL: I still find it weird.
JACK: Same, maybe I should move somewhere away from this floor so I can not see you 24/7.
WILL: (Nods) But you're never going to get to that.
JACK: Oh you know me too well (Laughs and sighs) I guess this is the end of our official first date. (Holds out his hand)
WILL: (Shakes it)
JACK: This is the part where I'd usually sleep with someone and sneak out in the middle of the night but I think I can make an exception. (Winks)
WILL: (Laughs a little)
JACK: (Walks to the door)
WILL: (Walks with him) I'll call ya.
JACK: No you wont I'll just come over.
WILL: True…..
BOTH: (Kind of stand there)
JACK: Ok bye (kisses him and leaves)
GRACE: (Comes out scoffing) what was that?
WILL: What?
GRACE: A kiss goodnight? No groping? I am very disappointed in you.
WILL: You're starting to sound like Jack.
GRACE: Well I have to Jack's not Jack anymore.
WILL: What are you talking about we had a great time out tonight.
GRACE: He's trying too hard now, he's not himself.
WILL: I'll have you know at dinner he balanced a spoon on his nose and slapped the waiter's ass and said, "Sorry I dropped my menu."
GRACE: Ok… so how was it? (Smiles)
WILL: Great, I love him; oh I love him so much.
GRACE: Look at you all happy and giddy. I think he's the one.
WILL: It's a given.
NICK: (Getting dressed) hey Will.
WILL: Hey Nick- NICK! (Looks at Grace)
GRACE: Oh would you look at that? Nick is here and he's half naked. (To Nick) Get out, get out while you can. RUN!
NICK: (Goes to the door) you look good Will.
WILL: (Turns fully towards him and puts his hands on his hips)
NICK: (Backs out the door)
WILL: Did you put out?
GRACE: Almost, you see, you interrupted the moment.
SCENE II: Jack's Apartment
JACK: (Sleeping)
IRENE: (Comes in) Jack…..
JACK: (Wakes up) Irene?
IRENE: Hey. (Crawls into bed with him)
JACK: What's up?
IRENE: Just felt like coming over.
JACK: (Hugs her and looks at her) Have you been crying?
IRENE: (Sighs) yeah but it's nothing.
JACK: Really? You don't want to talk about it?
IRENE: I do…..but I'm not ready.
JACK: Oh ok…..
IRENE: Can I spend the night?
JACK: Sure, sure.
IRENE: Don't tell Will, ok?
JACK: (Nods)
SCENE III: Out TV.
JACK: (In his office shooting rubber bands at the ceiling)
IRENE: (Comes in)
JACK: (Almost falls out of his seat and starts typing on the computer.
IRENE: Here's the updated casting list of the sitcom Wilbert and Gretchen. Big hit!
JACK: You don't look happy.
IRENE: Oh sorry. (Smiles) Big hit!
JACK: You know you haven't been yourself lately.
IRENE: I have a lot on my mind, don't worry about it.
JACK: Well I do worry, not only am I your boss but I am also your second daddy.
IRENE: (Smiles) I better get to work.
JACK: Fine but if you ever need to talk I'm here.
IRENE: (Goes to the desk, same room as Jack and just sits there)
JACK: You want to talk now?
IRENE: yes!
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
WILL: (Talking on the phone and cooking at the same time) I can't believe you're blowing me off! (Winces) Get that image out of your head. (Beat) I'm really upset, I am wearing just-ironed khakis and they feel nice. Fine….. (Hangs up)
JACK: (Walks in with the phone) Hey Will.
WILL: What? You just said you were too busy to have dinner with me on the phone!
JACK: Yes I know, you see, that was the boyfriend Jack. (Jumps and does jazz hands) This is your best friend, Jack.
WILL: Oh great double the Jack and I'm still unhappy.
JACK: Listen sweet heart I need to talk to you about something important. (Harsh sigh)
WILL: Oh my gosh you're breaking up with you.
JACK: Ugh, I wish! No it's worse than that it's about our daughter Dorothy.
WILL: What about her?
JACK: Oh I promised not to tell! (Grabs the crotch of his pants and bounces)
WILL: (Looks up) ok now I understand why I didn't get a piece of that earlier.
JACK: (Hits him playfully and giggles) stop that I'm trying to be the friend me pretty soon my boyfriend me will jump out and make out with you.
WILL: Ok what happened to Irene?
JACK: I cant tell you all the details but she's really depressed.
WILL: If you're not going to tell me everything why did you even mention it to me? Now I am all worried.
IRENE: (Comes in) Hey.
WILL: My baby! (Cries and runs over to her and hugs her)
IRENE: (Head smashed into Will's chest) Jack, what did you tell him?
JACK: Nothing, he's just freaking out over nothing.
WILL: Irene, what's going on?
IRENE: I don't want to say, I'll tell you eventually but for now just Jack will do. (Goes to the kitchen and continues Will's cooking)
WILL: I cant believe this, you choose Jack over me? Add paprika…
IRENE: (Adds it) Will, it's always been like that, why do you care now?
WILL: Uh you're made out of my sperm not his.
IRENE: (Tastes a little of whatever he's making) Will, I really don't need this right now, please?
WILL: (Looks at Jack)
JACK: (Raises his eyebrows and nods)
WILL: Fine.
JACK: Actually, Will, can I talk to you in the bedroom?
IRENE: Ugh I'm 21 why cant you guys just say, "I want to do you" in front of me?
WILL: (Looks at her)
IRENE: Oh I just got why….. (takes another bite and smiles)
SCENE V: Bedroom.
WILL: What's this all about?
JACK: I think we should break up.
WILL: What? I knew this was going to happen, it's all in your nature!
JACK: No I have a really good reason!
WILL: What?
JACK: Maybe it's better if we stayed friends, you know? I mean it wasn't going to work out, you knew it, I knew it, last night was WEIRD. I had to get the waiter's number just to get through it.
WILL: (Looks at him)
JACK: Don't get jealous I flushed it down the toilet in the men's room. (Beat) I cant be myself in front of you anymore, I'm afraid to be. I mean I know I've known you for almost 20 years but even so, when I'm with you, I'm not Jack…I'm Phillip.
WILL: What?
JACK: Phillip is my middle name pay attention! (Beat) I miss insulting you, I miss bossing you around like a maid. I cant do that as your boyfriend I have to like, say you're pretty and let you boss me around! Come on…..we were always friends with benefits. I kiss you as much I kiss Karen. And you kiss me as much you kiss Grace. And all four of us make out with Irene so she doesn't feel left out!
WILL: I guess you're right….. I mean if it turned out to be serious and I…..lost you, it wouldn't ever be the same between us.
JACK: Yeah. Let's just make a deal. Every time both of us are single at the same time we flirt that crap out of each other and sleep with one another once a week.
WILL: Oh I don't know, Grace has a water pick.
JACK: (Winks) so do I. Come on don't be a spoil sport. This way I can be comfortable….. (Smiles)
WILL: Fine, whatever makes you comfortable. (Hugs and kisses him) Wow (looks at his watch) I think we're the new Britney Spears our relationship lasted 26 hours.
SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs.
GRACE: Man I'm bored.
KAREN: (Reading a magazine)
GRACE: No clients today, what a bust. We're hitting a dry spell. Do you have a magazine I can borrow?
KAREN: Honey, look around, there's magazines everywhere.
GRACE: I know I was hoping you'd get up and hand me one, my butt is sleeping.
KAREN: (Takes a drink) no.
GRACE: Please?
KAREN: No.
GRACE: Well do you have any ideas to make today fun?
KAREN: How about you shut your trap and I read Allure?
GRACE: (Whines)
KAREN: Ok, ok! I got a game we can play!
GRACE: Yes! What?
KAREN: Ok I got 10 bottles of pills here. Whoever finds the most matches wins. Like by color.
GRACE: (Pops open a bottle) Karen, these are filled with jelly beans.
KAREN: I know but they are all liquor flavored. Strawberry Daiquiri, Scotch on the rocks, Virgin Mary, and Tequila shot!
GRACE: Huh.
KAREN: Ok so lets play, and whoever loses has to eat a bottle full of choice. On the bag it said to not drive after eating some so I suppose you can get wasted from these.
SCENE VII: Dinner.
KAREN: Ugh hi J-Lo and Britney. You two got commitment problems.
WILL: It was mutual.
KAREN: Mutual smooch-ial I wanted to see some gay action! Now I'll never. (Pouts)
IRENE: I got to go. (Leaves)
GRACE: Look what you did! You upset your daughter.
JACK: Who are you talking to?
GRACE: All three of you guys!
SCENE VIII: Hallway.
WILL: (Knocks on the door) Irene, open up.
JACK: Yeah we're really sorry.
IRENE: (Opens up) Will you quit making everything about yourselves?
EVERYONE: (Goes into her apartment)
KAREN: Irene…..
GRACE: Where's all your stuff?
IRENE: I don't know it was like this when I got here!
WILL: Iry…..
IRENE: (Sighs) I'm leaving.
GRACE: What?
IRENE: I'm…..leaving New York. For good. And it has been a very tough decision but I've made up my mind.
WILL: Does this have to do with that letter?
IRENE: Only a half….. I'm not going back to see Joanne…I'm going back to make my own life because I got a reality check and realized that I am not going to be with Will forever. I have to grow up and have my own life. All my life I have just been this kid sticking to her parents like her life depended on it and…..I don't have to be like that anymore I'm independent.
WILL: (To Jack) is this the thing you wouldn't tell me?
JACK: Yeah and just so all of you know I support Irene 100. (Goes over to her and pats her on the back)
WILL: (Lowers his head)
IRENE: Dad, say something.
WILL: I guess 5 years of knowing you is enough.
IRENE: (Smiles a little)
WILL: (Hugs her)
IRENE: (Starts crying a little)
EVERYONE: (Group hug)
END
