AUTHOR'S NOTE: Guest starring Ewan McGregor as Irene's uncle. HOUR SPECIAL!
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
WILL & GRACE: (Comes in with bags, been shopping)
GRACE: Look, I don't get why it's such a big deal! I buy something for 9.99 including tax, and she doesn't give me the freaking penny!
WILL: That's the thing Grace, it isn't a big deal. It's just a PENNY.
GRACE: But that penny is just one out of a hundred. If I had a hundred of those, you know what I'd get?
WILL: A dollar? (Makes a face)
GRACE: Exactly….and with that dollar I can buy?
WILL: Lint?
GRACE: No, lint is free, stupid. I can make lint by washing jeans with tissue stuck inside the pockets.
WILL: Ok fine a penny comes a long way, lesson learned. Next time I'll help you hold the person down so you don't have to worry about the cashier accidentally punching your nose when you're gnawing her fingers, prying them open to get your change.
GRACE: Thank you. So how are you and Barry?
WILL: (Sighs) its over, I ended it. I felt like it was going no where, and it probably was. Dating exes are so overrated. How's Nick?
GRACE: I'm a little worried. The other day we went grocery shopping and he insisted that I use Dove soap instead of Lever 2000. I swear, if I landed another gay one, (Brooklyn accent) it'd be the end of me.
WILL: Dove isn't the suggestion of a mo…..
GRACE: I am thinking what if he just came out.
WILL: Oh then yeah he's questioning.
JACK: (Comes in excited) Hey guys! Guess why I am so happy?
WILL: You woke up with someone you actually know and remember doing?
JACK: (Laughs) oh Will, if we were still be together (looks at him)
WILL: (Looks at him back) (Beat) (Smiles)
JACK: (Shakes his head and throws his hands up) that's it. Anyways I am happy because today is the day, for the first time in Out TV history-
WILL: Which is not long since it was founded just this year…..
JACK: Can you stop pooping my news? I am going to act in a sitcom! My first acting job in such a long, oh so long, long time ago. I am a guest star on the sitcom I founded. Wilbert and Gretchen, yeah, I get to say, "tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty." It's supposedly the funniest line in the entire episode.
WILL: Then I am guessing the show's not doing so well.
JACK: I'm going to make it work. I am thinking about adding an accent or add beats in specific places…..or both. (In a weird accent) tootie (beat) fruity makes tootie come (beat) out of your (beat) booty. Booty? Booty. Booty! Which one's better? Question mark, period, or exclamation point?
WILL: (ignoring him) so about tonight…..
GRACE: Oh I cant come tonight.
WILL: What do you mean you can't?
JACK: Hello?
WILL: (Ignoring still) It's for Irene, she's leaving tonight and you're flaking out on me?
GRACE: I am not flaking out on you, I am not flaky.
JACK: Hello I need advice here!
WILL: (Ignoring) You have to take a rain check on whatever you have planned tonight.
GRACE: What? Why? That's not fair!
WILL: And getting off work early despite the fact I got 2 cases going on now is?
GRACE: If I have to go tonight I will have to bring Nick.
JACK: Booty. Booty? Booty! Bo- (beat) tay
WILL: (Sarcastic) Fantastic, bring him.
GRACE: No I cant bring him, stupid, he doesn't even know Irene that well.
WILL: Well thank you for understanding why you need to ditch him!
GRACE: He just got back from filming a movie!
WILL: Oh please, FOR A GAY NETWORK, it's not like he was filming in Iraq!
JACK: (Singing) Booty!
WILL: Jack, will you shut up?
JACK: (Scared) Well I just wanted to know how I can make the line funny.
WILL: You want to know how to make it funny? Don't say it!
JACK: I cant, not say it. That doesn't make any sense.
WILL: Ugh just say it as Karen will.
JACK: (Makes his voice high, cracking) Tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty.
GRACE: No, still not funny, anyways about the dinner party for Irene…
JACK: We're throwing a dinner party for Irene?
KAREN: (Comes in) Hey peeps. I just came back from IHOP, I ordered the tootie fruity. (Holds her stomach) well, you know what they say….. tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty. (Laughs)
WILL & GRACE: (Laughs)
JACK: (Looks irritated)
KAREN: (Sighs) I am funny for my age…..
SCENE II: Jacque's
JACK: (Sitting)
KAREN: (Comes out of the elevator singing) every sha-la-la-la-la every whoa-oh-whoa- Oh! Hey poodle. You looking cute, what are you up to?
JACK: Waiting for Irene to return home from school. Today is the day of the dinner party and Will wants me to keep her busy while he's going to develop 10 extra wrinkles on his forehead due to the confusion of who-sits-where seating arrangement.
KAREN: Huh. Oh how was your one liner for your Gay TV show?
JACK: Haven't filmed it.
KAREN: Oh good because I thought up ways to say the line funny.
JACK: Aw you did?
KAREN: No (giggles) bed spread washer did. She used to be a thespian…..or a lesbian I was drunk when I read her resume last month. Anyways, she thought up 20! (Gives Jack a notepad)
JACK: Wow thanks Kare, I feel that this is really going to help! (Reading) Spanish accent, Captain Kirk style, the pig from loony tunes way…..
KAREN: Oh honey, try the Woody the Woodpecker way!
JACK: (Does the woody the woodpecker laugh)
KAREN: Honey, where did the line go?
JACK: The laugh took all of the camera time I had.
KAREN: In that case, I'd go with that one.
IRENE: (Gets out of the elevator) Hey guys.
JACK: Now!
KAREN: (Stands up and jabs her fingers in Irene's neck)
IRENE: (Falls unconscious)
KAREN: Finally I get to use that, Rosie taught me last week, she had to knock me out 4 times until I finally got it.
JACK: Ok come on!
SCENE III: Arcade.
JACK & KAREN: (Carrying a bag and meets up with Grace)
GRACE: Oh, déjà vu is that the same bag you stuff my head in for my birthday like two years ago and brought me here?
JACK & KAREN: (Scoffs) No! (Beat) Yeah…..
GRACE: Where's Irene?
JACK & KAREN: (Swings the bag)
GRACE: She fits right in the bag?
JACK & KAREN: (Drops it)
IRENE: (In the bag) Ow.
KAREN: (Holds her back) she might be tiny but she's heavy!
GRACE: (Helps Irene out of the bag) Oh sweetie, are you ok?
IRENE: They dropped me on my head. (Hugs Grace)
GRACE: (Rubs her head)
IRENE: What are we doing here? How many times do I have to tell you people, I am 21, not 12…..
KAREN: Maybe if you tell us one more time (beat) we'd care.
IRENE: What's the big idea? I was supposed to watch movers move things out of my apartment just to see if they steal anything.
JACK: Irene….. (Looks at her)
IRENE: Ok Jackie I just like to get them all misty and shiny. (Laughs) But you know if you want to take me out on a good time on my last day, I don't think the arcade is a good idea.
KID: (Chasing this other kid, trips over Grace and spills coke on Irene's crotch)
IRENE: And that is one of the reasons.
KAREN: I'll clean it! (Gets on her knees)
IRENE: (Backs up) No, no, no, I got it. (Leaves)
GRACE, JACK, & KAREN: (Follows closely after)
SCENE IV: Mall
GRACE: How are my pants fitting you?
IRENE: Really loose.
GRACE: Oh yeah well no one will pay attention with that big zit on your chin.
JACK & KAREN: (Holds Grace back from attacking)
IRENE: I'm hungry for some Baskin Robins.
GRACE: Oh yum me too.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
WILL: (At the table looking at some papers)
NICK: (Knocks on the door)
WILL: Come in...whoever.
NICK: (Comes in) Hey Will, where's Grace?
WILL: She's out with Irene.
NICK: Oh.
WILL: Did she tell you about tonight?
NICK: Yeah.
WILL: Will you be joining us?
NICK: No.
WILL: Thank god! (Lets out a relieved sigh) I just found out that Irene's uncle who I've never met will be joining us and having one more person isn't going to relieve this confusion of seating arrangements for dinner.
NICK: You I think it is sweet that you're throwing your daughter this surprise goodbye party.
WILL: Thank you.
NICK: I-I just stopped by to see if Grace was in and to give you this. (Hands him a card) I wrote it myself, for Irene.
WILL: Wow that's so sweet and personal.
NICK: You think so?
WILL: No it's nothing special I was just being nice.
NICK: (Beat) (Nods) all right, well I'll see ya.
WILL: Wait, do you really want to go?
NICK: No that's ok, it's your thing. (Leaves)
SCENE VI: Mall
KAREN: Hey, Dorothy, don't eat too much or else you won't have any room for tonight's dinner party we're throwing ya.
IRENE: You guys are throwing me a dinner party?
KAREN: What? Where did you get that silly idea?
GRACE: Oy Goyim….. (Puts her face in her hands) Please Irene, act surprised tonight. Will is putting a lot of stress on this. (Beat) Wait…. déjà vu again!
IRENE: No problem you guys.
JACK: (Cell phone beeps) Oh good it's still a surprise.
KAREN: What?
JACK: Oh nothing Will just messaged me on my blackberry about…..something (winks)
IRENE: About what?
JACK: Your uncle joining us for dinner.
GRACE: Jack! Ugh!
JACK: Oops…..
IRENE: Oh that's ok, as long as I don't know which uncle.
JACK: Uncle-
GRACE & KAREN: (Jump on him and covers his mouth)
JACK: (Beat)
GRACE: (Takes her hand back) Ew! (Wipes her hand on Jack's sleeve) Spit on me….. (Pouts)
JACK: That was close…
IRENE: Ok, I think I am ready to go home and get ready for this party I don't know about.
GRACE: Ok, come on Jack, Karen.
KAREN: Ok pushy, you want to get into my pants just say so.
GRACE: You're so random.
KAREN: I love you too, honey.
SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment
JACK: (Comes in with Irene)
IRENE: (Looks around) Wow…..everything's so empty. Just like when I bought it…..more than half a year ago…..
JACK: Yeah so come on and get changed and run your surprised look by me.
IRENE: (Beat) you know what? I think I am just going to stay here until it's time to go. (Sits on the floor and sighs)
JACK: (Sits with her) you're going to miss it here, aren't you?
IRENE: Yeah.
JACK: You know we're going to visit you sometime, and you're going to visit us, right?
IRENE: Of course. I'm just having second thoughts. Dang it, why can't I make a decision and stick by it?
JACK: Well it isn't your entire fault. Kansas is where you have been all your life and then BAM you meet your illogical father and your world gets all tipsy turny.
IRENE: Biological…..
JACK: Gazoontite.
IRENE: Hmm….. ok I am going to stick to this, I am going to leave. Bye New York, New York, New York…..New York….. (Sighs) New York.
JACK: Maybe you should say "New York" one more time.
IRENE: (Hits him) shut up.
JACK: (Mouths "ow" and backs up a little) I am going to miss you, you were like a poorer version of Karen.
IRENE: Aw, thank you. (Hugs him)
JACK: Yeah, just think, by next year your bust would be bigger than hers!
(They hug again)
SCENE VIII: Restaurant
GRACE: (Has her hands over Irene's eyes) and we're….. (lets go of Irene) here!
IRENE: (Gasps) a surprise dinner party? I cannot believe!
WILL: Ok you knew.
IRENE: Sorry, Will.
WILL: its ok (kisses her) at least you don't know who the surprise guest is!
MINDY: (Comes in)
IRENE: Uncle Mindy! (Runs up and hugs him)
MINDY: Look at you so grown up and beautiful!
IRENE: You just saw me 3 years ago.
KAREN: Am I drugged or did I just hear Irene's uncle's name is Mindy?
WILL & GRACE: Both.
MINDY: Actually my name is Millard but that sounds even more repulsive.
WILL: Then shouldn't it be "Millie"?
IRENE: What are you doing here in New York? Please tell me you havent been milking cars.
KAREN: (Beat) I don't even know what that means.
IRENE: Nothing, Uncle Mindy likes to mess with other people's cars.
MINDY: (Shows his hands covered in black grease) you caught me.
IRENE: (Laughs) Come on I'll show you were the washroom is, we're going to eat, you know. (Leaves)
WILL: Aw, look at them.
GRACE: And by them you mean-
WILL: Him, he's hot.
JACK: Gosh I sure hope he's gay, or at least has a twin brother because I got to get myself a little bit of that!
KAREN: Look at his ass while he walks…..that's a mo butt all right.
GRACE: Hey there are a lot of straight guys with fine asses.
JACK: Wearing leather pants?
GRACE: Yes.
JACK: In what world? The real one or the one where Will is straight and your husband…..
GRACE: We'll just see…..who gets the last laugh.
KAREN: Yeah. 10 on Jackie…..
WILL: me too.
KAREN: Oh honey, I didn't know you had 10 million.
WILL: I take that back, make it 5 dollars.
GRACE: Hey no one is betting on me?
WILL: You can bet on yourself, Gracie.
GRACE: 20 dollars on me.
JACK: I feel sorry for Grace. (Digs in his pocket) I put in a penny, a toy soldier, and lint. (Beat) ok never mind, I like the toy. (Takes it back and plays with it, laughing hysterically)
WILL: I will give anything to be a kid again.
GRACE: I think we do this too much.
WILL: Make fun of Jack? It's our thing!
GRACE: No, bet money on people's sexuality. Not everyone is gay, you know. Only 11 of the world's population….. There's a lot more things going on in the world then Jack turning every straight man gay when he enters a room.
WILL: Like?
GRACE: Like…..me turning them back.
WILL: Oh sweetie (beat) in your dreams.
GRACE: You know you can be so cruel. Now if you'd excuse me, I will be in the ladies room adjusting the strap of my thong. (Leaves)
IRENE & MINDY: (Comes back)
IRENE: Is our table ready?
JACK: Whoa! Yes….. (Takes the square buzzer out of his pants and its blinking) table between 68 and 70. Take a wild guess. (Leads them)
KAREN: (Looking sad)
IRENE: Karen, what's wrong?
KAREN: Oh honey, I just realized, how much I am going to miss insulting a fourth person. (About to cry) it breaks my heart knowing- (snaps out of it and is all happy) hey there's a bar here! (Runs off and ditches Irene)
SCENE IX: Restaurant
JACK: So Mindy, or Duck, what do you do for a living?
MINDY: I am a fashion designer.
JACK: Wow that is gay!
MINDY: Yeah I do enjoy it, there's something about multi-colored fabric-
JACK: like rain bowed-
MINDY: and the variations on making a dress-
JACK: for a drag
MINDY: that keeps me excited and loving my job.
JACK: Queerly!
GRACE: (Kicks Jack from under the table)
JACK: Ow!
GRACE: So Millard what do you do for fun?
MINDY: Uh, I coach a little league soccer and baseball team on my free time, I also like watching football when my sister gets the antenna pointed the right way on the TV.
JACK: And by sister you mean…..
MINDY: Sister.
KAREN: (Laughs) Hicks are disoriented when you're on shrooms…..
MINDY: Is she ok?
WILL: Yeah she's fine, that or she will be within the next hour. If she pretends to be a plane just go with it.
JACK: Just don't pretend to be a runway that can become ugly.
GRACE: Ouch, I remember that.
IRENE: I am going to go get something from the buffet bar.
MINDY: I'll come with. (Leaves)
GRACE: Can you be anymore unsubtle?
JACK: Sorry, Chandler Bing.
WILL: Hey, hey cut it out you guys. Today is Irene's last night in New York, I don't want you two to spend it betting on Mindy's sexuality.
JACK: He's so queer you just don't want to admit it!
GRACE: He's so straight if he was drunk he could pass off as sober!
JACK: He has a freaking girls name!
GRACE: You have freaking girl parts that doesn't mean you're not a man!
JACK: I resent that.
GRACE: (Spits her tongue at him)
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, Cuckoo and dodo! Will is right…..you shouldn't be questioning Mindy…..you're supposed to be questioning Irene! This night is all about her, ho and mo!
JACK: She's right….. Irene sometimes acts like Heche, one day you're straight and BOOM! You become a lesbian to gain attention. Man…..
WILL: Right….. I am going to the loo. (Sighs, standing up) I'll give anything to be British. (Leaves)
IRENE: (Comes back with a second plate) Hey.
JACK: Where's Mindy?
IRENE: He went to the bathroom. (Puts the plate in Mindy's space) Gosh I am so excited he's here. He's like my closest and most favorite relative I have.
KAREN: (Laughs) I have no family (beat) THANK GOD!
GRACE: (Shushes her) we're in public!
KAREN: (Giggles) Ok I'll go smoke whatever is in my pocket in the bathroom then. (Leaves)
JACK & GRACE: (Fight amongst themselves and shush each other up when Mindy comes back)
MINDY: Wow this place is so nice. The nicest bathroom I ever been was in a portable one. I hate the country…..
IRENE: You are going to ride with me home right?
MINDY: Yeah Joanne sent me here to get you.
IRENE: Didn't she tell you I am not going back to her? That I am going to make my life somewhere in a Kansas city?
MINDY: Yes, don't fret…..your going to live with me in my city apartment for a while until you get your life going where I will then kick you out and steal half your pay checks.
JACK: I will steal the other half.
MINDY: (Laughs) you're kind of funny.
JACK: (Nudges Grace) he thinks I'm funny.
GRACE: (Laughs along and does her signature hair flip)
MINDY: And you're so adorable-
GRACE: (Nudges Jack) He thinks I am adorable.
MINDY: I couldn't imagine how much better you looked before you got your nose fixed.
JACK: (Drinking something and laughs) Oh my god, wine just went up my nose but it was totally worth it. I am going to go clean up in the bathroom.
KAREN: (Dazed walking by) (Singing the tune of "Close to You" by Carpenters) Why do stars suddenly appear every time I smoke something weird, just like me you long to be as high as me…..On the day weed was born the angels got together and started to create a dream come true, so they sprinkled power up your nose and injected something in you that was blue! Woo!
JACK: (In the men's bathroom)
WILL: (Washing his hand)
JACK: Hey Will, #2?
WILL: No, something happened and I kind of went star struck for a while.
JACK: You realized how tiny your winkle was?
WILL: (Beat) bigger than yours.
JACK: (Chuckles and hits him playfully) I don't know what to do with you!
WILL: I was doing my thing
JACK: You shook more than twice and got carried away didn't you?
WILL: (Laughs) Come here sweetie…..
JACK: (Get closer)
WILL: (Hits him on the head) assume that of me again and I am going to stick my foot in your ass.
JACK: Oh me likes the sound of that. (Beat) Fine tell me.
WILL: No, no point now, it's not important.
JACK: Come on, you know I care.
WILL: You do?
JACK: Not really but a little…..
WILL: Ok I was going to the bathroom when Mindy came in.
JACK: And?
WILL: I saw his thing. (Almost crying)
JACK: Oh you poor dear, you forgotten what they looked like on someone else!
WILL: No….. (Whispering) he's a whale!
JACK: (Huge gasps and pretends he has a mustache and twirls his finger in the air as if playing with it) Me likes the sound of that…..
(In the restaurant)
JACK: (Runs out, tripping and falling everywhere finally lands on Grace)
GRACE: Jack!
JACK: (Give Grace a big smile)
GRACE: Whatever you are looking for down there, I aint got.
JACK: (Laughs) No! I want to take my penny back and put it under my name! He's gay! He's so fra-rick-ing GAY!
GRACE: No way?
JACK: A straight's hose is like this (gestures an inch) but mister big Millie Mindy is like this (spreads his arms apart and giggles like a girl) he's a big boy!
GRACE: Jack, you cant tell if someone's gay by the size of their thing.
IRENE: (Butts in) Who are you talking about?
GRACE & JACK: No one.
IRENE: (Ignores them and continues to talk to Mindy)
GRACE: I take my 20 back and raise it into a 50. You have the whole thing mixed up, straights are bigger than gays.
JACK: Gays are bigger than straights!
GRACE: NO!
JACK: YES!
GRACE: Ok look, I have seen Will's when he was straight, I've seen Will's when he was gay.
JACK: What? You don't dramatically change sizes when you come out!
GRACE: (In a low voice) Oh…..really…..
WILL: I put 15 on Jack.
KAREN: Ok boys, give me your money.
WILL: (Give Karen 10 more dollars)
GRACE: (Give Karen 30)
JACK: (Adds a penny)
KAREN: (Takes all the money and stuffs her in her chest) there's only one way to solve this….. Mini Me.
IRENE: Me?
KAREN: Yeah, can I talk to you at the muffin and ice cream table?
GRACE: While you are there can you get me um….12 muffins and 3 bowls of ice cream?
WILL: Strike that, just roll the whole table over in front of Grace.
GRACE: No one finds you funny.
WILL: You want your muffins or what?
GRACE: (Head lowers) ok bring the whole table over here…..
IRENE: (Gets dragged by Karen)
KAREN: Ok listen up, honey. I know today is your last day in New York and this whole dinner is supposed to be all about you, blah, blah, blah, but there is a question hanging over everyone's heads. Is Mindy Mindy Bo Bindy Banana Fana Fo Findie a ho ho bo bo banana fana fo homo. (Smiles)
IRENE: Isnt it obvious? I mean look at him!
KAREN: I am honey, and all I see is a hot guy with a supposedly huge-
IRENE: (Covers her mouth) Don't finish that sentence with anything inappropriate or a euphemism of anything wrong.
KAREN: (Whispers) ego
IRENE: That's a euphemism!
KAREN: So is that! Honey you know what happens when you use big vocabulary on me, I get bitchy and act like a drunken fool.
IRENE: Arent you always like that?
KAREN: Arent you always using big words?
IRENE: Look, I have no time for this, shame on you for questioning my uncle's sexuality.
KAREN: Well can you blame me? Your dad is gay and your mom attracts straight girls. There's obviously something wrong with your family! (Walks off)
MINDY: (Meets up with Irene) Hey you know your friend Zach?
IRENE: Jack…..
MINDY: Yeah anyways, he's like hitting on me, does he have a mental disorder?
IRENE: Yes, yes he does, it's becoming more and more common these days. It's called being a H.O.M.O.
MINDY: Huh, never heard of it. Anyways I just got a call from the Joanne, seems like the tickets she gave me are fake.
IRENE: How can they be fake?
MINDY: Something tells me they are (shows her the tickets which are drawn by crayon)
IRENE: How can you not notice this before?
MINDY: Sorry I was in such a rush that, I think the tickets I handed in to get in the first place were also drawn with crayons….. (looks up thinking) anyways this isn't going to be a problem is it? I wont get real tickets until like 2 weeks.
IRENE: 2 we- Uncle Mindy! I don't have 2 weeks! All my clothes, my possessions are on the way to Kansas, who's going to pick them up?
MINDY: Joanne will get them she told me.
IRENE: (Sighs)
MINDY: The apartment is still under your name right?
IRENE: Yeah my dad was going to sell my bed but he hasn't.
MINDY: Don't you have couches?
IRENE: Jack sold them already.
MINDY: Really?
IRENE: No, he and Karen kind of stole them from me. But that's ok I can sleep over at Will's for the next 2 last weeks here. (Sighs)
MINDY: You sure you really want to leave here? You seem to really like New York.
IRENE: I do, but I got to make my own roots you know? People my age, who are still with their parents, are losers.
MINDY: Will is a great guy, you've known him for only 5 years.
IRENE: I know he's a great guy, he's an amazing guy. He's so open and intimate and the thing is, I am his dream come true. Grace tells me numerous stories of how he always wanted to be a dad and now he is, and found out he has been all this time he's….. so grateful! He wasn't there for me when I was a baby, I have so many years to make up with him but so little time to make it up. I want to stay, but I cant.
MINDY: Why not?
IRENE: Because I am holding him back. Gays don't have kids.
MINDY: Will is gay?
IRENE: You didn't know?
MINDY: That'd explain that bathroom incident.
IRENE: I don't even want to know what you mean by that. Anyways, I am a restriction from Will, he wants me to introduce me to his boyfriends, not as his daughter because that's a huge step, but he wants to introduce me as a friend because I am in his life and everything gets all complicated and….. You wouldn't understand uncle Mindy…..
MINDY: It's your choice, I'm only supporting it. (Kisses her forehead)
(Later in the restaurant)
KAREN: (sighs) that was one good all-you-can-eat dinner.
GRACE: Time to unbutton my pants. (Does it)
WILL: Man I am so mad, the dinner was completely pointless! This was supposed to be a goodbye for Irene and now she is staying for 2 more weeks! Not that I am glad she's staying a little longer but still, I have to throw another one when she leaves?
IRENE: Will (puts her hand on his shoulder and turns him towards her) calm down….. you don't have to do anything for me, ok?
WILL: Ok.
IRENE: (Makes a face)
WILL: What do you need?
IRENE: Can I sleep over your place, Mindy is going to take my bed.
WILL: Why don't you sleep with him?
MINDY: I used to be a bum and Joanne gave me shelter….. I shared a bed with her and it was a nightmare.
IRENE: He rolls around a lot.
MINDY: Well you hog the sheets.
IRENE: How can I be I'm not rolling myself into them every 5 minutes!
MINDY: (Beat) you're right, she's pleasant.
IRENE: I love you too, Uncle Mindy.
WILL: Sure you can sleep over at my place, it's not a problem.
IRENE: Thank you.
KAREN: The question still remains….. is Irene's hottie uncle a hottie queer?
MINDY: Pardon?
IRENE: Karen!
KAREN: (Looks up, thinking) Did I just say that out loud?
IRENE: Because its obvious, look at him….. (plays with his hair) great head of hair you'll know he'll have until he's 80 (puts her hand on his chest) great style of clothes (punches his chest) fit. (Beat) (Does a huge gasp) oh my god, are you?
MINDY: No I am not!
IRENE: Oh thank god (Hugs him and touches his face) wait, are you wearing make up?
MINDY: No.
IRENE: (Licks her thumb)
MINDY: Don't lick your thumb.
IRENE: (Rubs it on his face)
MINDY: Ugh, why do you do that?
IRENE: Why do you have to lie? (Shows the thumb with a smear of make-up)
MINDY: Now I have to reapply.
GRACE: I want my money.
JACK: What? No! The guy is in denial! He's wearing make up for god's sakes!
GRACE: Straight men wear make up sometimes.
JACK: Like….. never? Ugh I am going to make him come out….you know what they say, tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty, and believe it or not, I AM TOOTIE FRUITY. (Beat) Still not funny?
(Whole table shakes their heads)
IRENE: Almost got it though.
END
