This is so short that's it's more of a drabble rather than a chapter update, but this week is flying by so crazy-like that I wanted to post a teeny-tiny something at the very least.

Hopefully you'll find this itty bitty interlude somewhat amusing and will chuckle a bit! :)

Title: Not Myself

Author: BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)

Pairing: None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.

Rating: Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).

Category: Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)

Completed: No, WIP.

Feedback: Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)

Warnings: Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

Summary: It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...
that's my excuse! :)

Notes: I collect quotes like a pack rat, so if you think you might recognize something... you just might. :) The majority of it is really mine though... I swear!!


"Pull over."

Angel eyed the gas station they were fast approaching, the only sign of civilization on the narrow stretch of highway.

"We don't need gas. We're almost there."

"I'm out of fags."

Angel gave her a curious look until he remembered the British term for 'cigarettes'.

"Can't you wait?"

"'Course I can. But that means that I'll have to spend the time putting my mouth to other various uses. Such as pursing my desirable lips while discussing just how badly you want to..."

Angel hurriedly pulled in to the station and parked.

Spike leaned over and held out her hand.

"Give me money."

"You've got money."

"I want your money."

Without comment Angel reached into his pocket and thrust a wad of cash into the awaiting hand, desperate to make the excursion to hell as quick as possible.

"Make it quick." Angel breathed at Spike's back as she exited the car and slipped through the glass doors.

Angel leaned back and waited...

...and waited...

... and waited.

After glancing at the time Angel growled and stepped out the car.

"Bitch," he hissed as he slammed the door and marched through the gas station doors, making the bell jingle angrily.

He marched up and down the surprisingly numerous aisles, fully intent on finding Spike and dragging her out caveman-style so that they could get back on the road.

But upon the third aisle instead of finding himself face-to-face with an irritating blonde, he...quite literally... bumped into a petite brunette.

"Excuse me," he said as he reached out a hand to steady her.

"Hey, that's okay." She straightened her shirt. "I should have been looking where I was going."

She followed the line of Angel's body to his face and smiled. "Then again..."

Angel felt himself returning the smile despite himself. It wasn't like him to flirt... he wasn't even sure he even really knew how.

But hey... she was pretty cute.

He stuffed his left hand back into his overcoat to hide the prop wedding ring Lorne had obtained from one of the firm's clients in the jewelry industry.

Of course Spike had picked the gaudiest one for hers (the troublemaking ruby ring being studied back at Fred's lab), and both rings were real at Lorne's behest. Angel hadn't really seen the point, but Lorne had insisted that real wedding bands were needed as a finishing touch for the appearance of a true married couple.

Angel was trying to remember if he had pissed off the demon in any way.

"Er, hi." Angel articulated to the attractive woman shifting her weight flirtatiously before him.

"Hi. What's your name?"

"Angel. Yours?"

"Angel- cool name. Mine's Courtney." She stuck out her hand, which Angel accepted with his right.

"Ummmm.... Where are you from?" Angel lamely searched for an opener as he detected a slight accent.

"Ohio. Cross-countrying it with some friends at the moment. How about you?"

Before Angel could even respond, Spike appeared out of nowhere and was standing at the woman's shoulder in a flash.

Following Angel's line of vision Courtney started slightly as she sighted Spike standing not a foot behind her.

"Oh! Hello."

"Uh huh." Spike leered at her. "Listen girly, you should know that's my deceitful and misleading husband you're so shamelessly throwing yourself at," She flashed her hand to display the massive sparkling rock. "And if you don't leave right now I swear we'll have sex right through you."

Clearly thrown, Courtney began to backpedal her steps before casting Angel a look of lingering disgust and dashing out of the aisle.

Spike watched her exit with apparent interest and turned back to Angel with more than a hint of a grin. "There was no part that wasn't fun." She said with obvious glee.

Angel blinked. Then seethed.

"I hate you." He said with more than a trace of conviction.

Spike's eyes welled and clutched at her chest as if wounded.

Angel glowered at her. "Let's just get out of here."

"Oh, sweetie." She lightly slapped his face with fake affection. "Don't. be. such. a. sourpuss." She annunciated with each slap.

Angel visualized himself pulling her ribcage out of her throat and was soothed.

"Don't embarrass me like that again." He said at a tone only for vampire hearing as they approached the cashier.

"Got it." Spike replied with an unreadable expression that made Angel wary.

"Two packs of Marlboros." She said to the kid behind the counter.

"We should be rationing our money for what's important."

"You're right." She turned back to the kid. "Make those king-sized cases."

Before Angel could retaliate, Spike had reached underneath the stand and grabbed some items. Placing them on the counter, Angel suddenly realized that they were 'Extra Small and Snug' Trojans.

The cashier turned back around to ring up Spike's cigarettes when his eyes fell upon the tiny condoms. He looked briefly at Angel and hurriedly away, his ears reddening.

Angel turned to Spike, death and murder in his eyes.

She rolled her eyes and swept the condoms off of the counter. "Oh, you're right. You'll probably just exhaust yourself in front of your 'Spice Channel' again anyways, like you do most nights."

The cashier told her the total while avoiding Angel's gaze, and Spike paid and accepted the change.

As she took the bag she winked at them.

"Just can't catch a break." She sighed before sashaying out the doors, bells jangling on her exit.