Title: Not Myself

Author: BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)

Notes: I'm going to finish this, whether it takes 10 years and/or kills me. But with my computer crashing w/ the outline, school, work, friends, family, and other stories popping up on with the exact same theme (I'm not saying I'm the only one to come up with this idea, but some plots that I've come across are just too close for comfort)… I guess I've lost a lot of writing juices.

But despite how much it'll undoubtedly suck, I intend to finish it nonetheless. My apologies to those of you who've been waiting for this for over SEVEN FREAKIN' MONTHS. It means so much to me, and I continue this for you guys. I hope you'll at least have one giggle before the eventual end.

Sorry thisone's just a snippet... kinda my writing style now. :)


Angel frowned and shook Spike off as well as he could, ignoring the wave of semi-audible cursing that washed over him.

If Spike had already recognized an arch nemesis, then that was his… her problem.

Angel studied the newcomers with a growing curiosity and interest. He knew that the female was a vampire before the couple came within fifty paces of them. The male (was it male?) on the other hand…. was Species undeterminable.

Despite the oddity of their combined appearance however, they didn't seem a threat. In fact, smiling and linked arm-in-arm as such… they were kinda…well, cute.

"Hi." The couple strode purposefully towards the desk and the help that had come to replace Derek. "We have a reservation. Name's going to be Clem, with a 'C'."

To Angel's alarm as the Concierge nodded and disappeared from view, the creature turned his red eyes on the L.A. vamps and barred an unsettling set of fangs.

"Newlyweds as well?" He scratched a flap of skin Angel figured must function as ears jutting out from his John Deere cap.

Out of the corner of his eye, Angel saw Spike lurch against the counter as if ill. Seizing the opportunity, Angel returned the creature's grin as best as he could.

"Oh no. For us the honeymoon's been over for a long time."

There was a snort from beside him. "No argument on that, Peaches."

There was an unexpected laugh from the male demon, "Peaches… that's cute. What sorta names do you have for her?"

Angel lifted his brows and gave Spike his most convincing look of false adoration. "Oh… I have many names for her."

Spike returned the look and began scratching her neck violently with her middle finger.

As the male demon continued to chuckle appreciatively, his silent vampire companion was studying Angel intently. "I've seen you somewhere before," She finally said.

"Oh, how rude of me." The demon straightened and threw his arm proudly around the brunette.

"I'm Clem, and this here is my bride, Sheila."

"Congratulations," Angel said somewhat dryly.

"Likewise." Clem gestured towards Spike.

There was a pause.

Followed by silence.

Which was overcome with quiet.

"Oh… uh…" Angel indicated himself, "Angel, and this my………..wife…………Billie."

"Seriously, don't I know you?" Sheila frowned at Angel.

Angel put on a blank face, which was surprisingly easy. "I don't believe so, no."

After giving Angel one last up-down, she shifted her gaze to Spike.

"You seem really familiar too."

Spike frantically shook her head, though her eyes were as wide as saucers.

Eventually Sheila shrugged. "Whatever."

She turned to Clem and started playing with the buttons on his radioactive Hawaiian shirt. "Can I have some money, lover? Since we passed that place on the way in, I would kill for a nice, hard 'Sex on the Beach'."

"Sheilakins, not in front of perfect strangers!" Clem gave a mock gasp.

Angel and Spike cringed as the other demons giggles like lust-driven teenagers.

Clem leered and handed Sheila some bills suggestively from his front pocket.

"Thanks, babe." She winked and gave him a parting slap on the ass as she walked off.

Clem turned back to Angel and Spike, all grins. "Isn't she great?"

"Terrific." Angel dripped.

"Yeah," Clem watched her exit with interest. "You wouldn't have her pegged for a small-town gal… but…" He cut himself off without warning and turned back to Angel with a new comprehension in his eyes. "Angel- not the Angel?"

Angel arched a brow.

"Gumshoe to the stars, previously hailed from Sunnydale, ex beau of the Slayer…well… the prettiest Slayer, in my opinion?"

"I… suppose that would be me."

Clem emitted a hoot that made a passing maid carrying towels give a start.

He grabbed Angel's fist in his meaty paw and vigorously shook it. "Bro, am I glad to finally get a chance to meet you! We have many a mutual friend in common, ya know."

"We do?"

"Heck, yeah! Well, the Summers Slayer and her crew for one. And… well… I suppose Spike's not so much your friend as a rip-out-your-hamstrings-and-make-a-freaky-trampoline kind of enemy. But your name still came up once or twice."

Angel glanced at Spike through lowered lids. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Freakin' big time poker cheat. Good guy though. Hope he made it out of the crater all right, ya know? But I'm sure he did, though. He and Buffy were so tight when I saw them last, that girl wouldn't have let nothin' happen to him"

Through the corner of his eye Angel saw how impassive Spike had become at the mention of Buffy's name. When he turned to regard her more full however, she quickly rearranged her features into a smirking and triumphant smile.

Angel fought the urge to roll his eyes as best he could.

"Huh." Was all he allowed.

"Yup," Clem continued, clearly oblivious to any change in Angel's demeanor. "And it's a good thing too. Poor guy followed her around like she had him chained to her by the 'nads or something."

Spike's smile vanished.

"Are you sure it was just with Buffy?" Angel mused and ignored the sharp kick to his ankle.

Clem laughed jovially.

"You're kinda funny."

"Really?" Angel's interest picked up.

"Kinda."

Spike flinched as Clem reached out and gave her a pat. "You be sure to keep ahold of this guy, he seems like a catch."

"Really?" Spike droned in a bored manner and gave Angel a disinterested up-down stare. "I'm considering throwing him back, myself."

Before Angel could debate if and how to retaliate, the concierge Derek miraculously materialized.

"Well, I had to pull a few strings…" he dangled an elaborate old-fashioned key in front of them. "But I was able to book you into room 1823." He finished with a hopeful smile at Spike as he accepted Angel's credit card.

Spike blinked and looked at him as if he was something particularly disgusting that had been found clogging up a sink.

"Whatever." She muttered.

Derek's smile faded and his shoulders slumped as he handed back Angel's card and room info. "Enjoy your stay. Bernard will show you to your room." He flatly indicated a nearby staff member.

Clem saluted the two vamps as they walked off. "See ya around."

Once they were out of earshot he leaned over confidentially to the disgruntled Derek.

"Don't worry about it, guy. Way that broad's dressed- my guess is you've still got a shot. Plus I hear he's a eunuch."