Chapter Five

Castigation or Admiration?

Dumbledore took the stage, a wide smile on his face and a fierce twinkle in his eye. "Marvelous, boys!" He glanced at the Gryffindor fifth-years that were just onstage. "I don't think I've seen Minerva that red in years." His twinkling eyes traveled to his deputy headmaster, who was still trying to recover from the shock, embarrassment, and pleasure that had befallen her just moments ago. He turned back to the crowd seated before him. "Now, I would like to introduce our host for the night. Please welcome Seamus Finnigan."

Seamus stood and grinned. He walked up to the stage proudly and thanked the headmaster. He was still in his outfit from his act. He clapped his hands once and blue robes with black trimming appeared where his black tee shirt and jeans had been. He looked out over the startled audience and his grin grew. "First and foremost, I would like to say thank you on behalf of my roommates. Your warm reception made singing that song much easier." The crowd clapped courteously.

"Now, I would like to invite one of my yearmates back to the stage. He's singing on his own this time, and I say 'good for him,' how about you?" All eyes turned to Harry, who shook his head and sank back in the soft olive fabric. Even Malfoy, still seating next to him, was looking at him expectantly.

Seamus saw the looks Harry was getting, and said, "Nope, not Harry. May I introduce none other than Mister Neville Longbottom of Gryffindor House!" Several gasps were heard around the hall as Neville stood, albeit a tad shakily. He moved to the stage and smiled at Seamus, who clapped him on the back and went to his seat. Neville turned and faced the audience. He took a deep breath. Then after a few more seconds of steeling his nerves, he waved his wand over his head and the music started. He'd heard this song when his grandmother took him to a muggle production of "A Chorus Line." He smiled, and spoke his opening lines.

"After a while, you caught on. I mean you knew us guys were lying. We tried to hide the scores, but you found them. On a scale ten, you girls got:

For Looks: Ten.

For Brains: Three."

All the girls in the audience looked scandalized, especially Hermione, who prided herself on her perfect marks in class.

"Well!"

Then Neville started singing in his mid-ranged tenor voice.

"Looks ten, Brains three.

Beauty aids in our desire,

But your IQ's could be higher."

Neville shook his head.

"Looks ain't it, girls.

Looks ain't it, girls.

Looks ten, Brains three.

I wanna cry.

I tried to teach you.

I tried to reach you

And tell you 'you won't get by"

Neville grabbed his chest and backside.

"With tits and ass.' "

Neville pretended to read a book.

"Gotta know some spells and charms."

He then pretended to stir a cauldron.

"Study potions, there's no harm."

Snape snorted at the Judges' table, saying something like, "wish he would take his own advise!" Neville ignored him.

"Learn some history.

These are tips you see!"

Neville grinned.

"Tits and ass."

Neville shook his head.

"They won't get you far in life.

All you'll get is labeled a whore.

Tits and ass

Won't get you jobs,

Just 'cause they're yours."

The girls all looked slightly less offended, but still a little miffed. The guys were all shaking their heads in disagreement. Neville's smile faded. He threw his arms in the air as the music continued. "Stop the music! Stop the music!" He sighed in a huff and clapped his hands loudly. "STOP THE MUSIC!" The music stopped abruptly.

"What in bloody hell am I talking about?" Neville looked out at the crowd. He avoided the eyes of his grandmother. She was currently looking proud of him for telling the girls that looks weren't everything. He scanned the audience again. His eyes fell on a bunch of Slytherin seventh-year blokes who were shaking their heads at Neville's choice of lyrics. Neville sighed heavily.

"You know, I've been singing this song all wrong." Hundreds of eyebrows raised. "Yes. All wrong indeed. I think it's time I start singing it right. And don't worry, fellas. I'll get it right this time." All the male listeners stared up and him in wonder. Neville could almost hear the collective thought coming from the group. What is he on about? Great Merlin's ghost, what in the blazes is he going to say now?

Neville snapped his fingers and the music started where he'd stopped singing. He grinned and winked.

"You could get a fortune honey,

If you spend a little money…"

The audience looked a little confused, but the next few lines clued them in.

"Flat and sassy

You'll get all the bums and losers.

Beggars really can't be choosers."

Neville looked at the girls in the audience.

"Looks ARE it, girls.

Looks ARE it, girls."

Neville wiggled his backside at the audience.

"Fix that assy

Know what we'll do?"

Neville put up his fists, jabbing at the air with them.

"We'll fight over ya,"

He held out an arm like he was offering it to a girl.

"Try to get ya home,

Because it's got to be you!"

Why?

Tits and ass.

Men all really like to stare."

Neville threw his thumb over his shoulder at his backside.

" 'Specially at a derriere."

Neville winked and thrust out his arms, pointing at the girls in the audience.

"You have got it girls,

Time to flaunt it girls!

This won't pass!"

Neville pulled out his wand pointed it into the air.

"A quick Engorgement Charm"

He shot sparks and a cloud of smoke out of his wand.

"Shake0 your booty and I want you mine!

Tits and ass

Will change your life.

They sure changed mine."

Neville grinned. The guys were all cheering for him, and the girls looked simply livid. Neville winked at them cheekily.

"Have it all done,

Girl, take my advise.

Floo on over and

See a wizard for

A new set, please don't think twice…

'Bout Tits and ass…"

Neville gestured to the general area where each house was seated as he mentioned them.

"Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws,

Gryffies, Snakes, we want it all.

Keep the best of you,

Do the rest of you!

Must you ask?"

Neville put his hands out to his sides in a helpless gesture. Then he shook his head.

"I have never seen it fail.

Any guy will then ask you for time

With Tits and Ass."

He nodded.

"Yes, Tits and Ass

Will change your life!"

Neville ended with his legs spread, his arms in the air, and his head thrown back. He caught his breath quickly. There were loud whoops from the boys, and angry boos from the girls. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked off the stage. He winked at several of the boys as he weaved his way back to his seat. He smiled carefully at Hermione. She just crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Looks ten, brains three? Even for me?" Hermione glared at him.

" 'Mione, it was just for the song. And besides, that song doesn't apply to you." Neville looked to Ron, who was grinning in spite of himself. "I hope you don't mind me telling your girlfriend this, Ron." Ron shook his head and waved him forward. He obviously knew Neville was in deep trouble with his girlfriend, and was pretty happy it wasn't him for once.

"Hermione, you're smart and gorgeous. So you don't need to worry about any of that!" Neville smiled tentatively at the bushy-haired fury sitting next to him.

Her rage was quelled slightly by the statement, but she still looked angry. "You won't be getting off that easy, Longbottom. You've pissed off a lot of girls tonight."

Neville nodded. "I know. But I don't care. I did a good job singing, did-?"

He never got to finish his sentence because he was suddenly pelted by a huge mass of scarlet.

"How dare you sing something so degrading to women! I can't believe you would dishonor the Longbottom family in such a way!" Neville's grandmother kept ranting on and beating her grandson over the head with her giant handbag.

"It was a joke, Gran!" Neville tried to push her away, but to no avail. Finally, he got himself off the couch and started sprinting out of the room and away from his grandmother. His grandmother managed to match his pace and kept assaulting the boy. "Ow!"

Their hollering in the Entrance Hall could be heard even through the closed doors of the Great Hall.

Harry shook his head and tried to stiffle a laugh. "Poor Neville."

~*~TBC~*~