A/N- See what I mean by 'Lazy'? It's been over five months since I last updated this. But I'll try to update more regularly. I need the writing practice, I've got exams soon. And I've got another week off school. So, if you enjoy this, feel free to send a review to keep my spirits up. You know you want to. And, of course, thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. You make the days seem so much brighter
Disclaimer- In the last five months I have been working very hard on trying to gain possession of the rights to the Harry Potter books, but I am so far failing. Maybe I'll have them by next time I update…
The great blessing that is colloportus
Harry screamed and screamed and screamed like a little girl.
'Oh. My. God!' shouted Harry. 'Ron! Lupin! Ghost of Sirius! Somebody help me!'
'Calm down Harry darling. It's only us.'
'Who the hell is 'us'?' screamed Harry, covering his face with his arms and slowly backing away from the two creatures in front of him. 'I've never seen you before in my life! Back, evil demons!'
As he said this, the two things jumped at him and started slapping him and pulling his hair out. Harry tried fending them off, but even his giant muscles or exceptional magical powers could not manage to get them away from him.
The creatures in front of him were, in fact, two girls. One had beautiful, perfectly straight, glossy, and generally quite amazing dark brown hair that fell down to her waist. She had nutmeg and chocolate and amber and caramel and toffee and any other food you can think of colored eyes, straight pearly white teeth and a figure to die for. She was wearing a miniskirt that barely got past her waist, and a very, very low cut white top. She looked like some kind of angel who was trying as hard as possible to show off her cleavage. The other was almost the complete opposite. She had fiery red hair, with black streaks running through it and dark purple eyes. She had enough mascara on to fill the great hall, as well as black lipstick. She was, like the other girl, wearing a miniskirt and very low cut top, though this time in black. Harry could only think that they were monsters from another world, like the elves that visited him at Privet Drive in the summer claiming they were from 'middle earth'.
As Harry whimpered in a corner, the girls still attacking him, Professor Lupin came sprinting towards them, wand raised.
'Oh, it's only them,' he sighed pleasantly. 'I thought Voldemort was attacking or something. Didn't Ron warn you about not insulting them?'
'He said not to scream, not about-' Harry was cut off by one of the girls scratching his face off.
'Hermione, Ginny, Draco is here to see you.'
'YAY, Draco!' the girls screamed, and ran off to fight over the newly renamed 'Slytherin sex god' (despite no evidence that anybody in the canon world has ever shown any attraction towards him)
'Thank God you arrived when you did Professor. I thought I was going to die.'
'I fear that if I had been any later you would have. Voldemort is nothing compared to some of the creatures you will meet this year. Now it is time for a big long paragraph or two to explain the rest of the story to our less intelligent readers.'
'Can we please find some chairs to sit in then?'
'Yes, we'll go into one of the 26 rooms in headquarters with no purpose. When Hermione and Ginny realize there is no Draco, they'll be back for my blood.'
So, they went into one of the rooms, and began a long speech about the future.
'Harry, this year is going to be your toughest yet. Instead of one major event at Halloween, and one sometime in June, Voldemort will pop up ALL THE TIME. You will end up doing about three actual lessons, lots of time will be spent in the library, even more time will be spent taunting and/or having private tutoring lessons with any one of a number of people and any time you have left will be spent going back in time, fighting death eaters and satisfying all the fangirls. You will also encounter various evil magical creatures. First up, the Maryus Sueus or Mary Sue. You've already met Professor D'Answick, Mary Sue Hermione and Mary Sue Ginny. You will meet lots more. Actually, Mary Sue Hermione will tend to change from being a Mary Sue to being a pompous know it all, and vice versa. People tend to think that it makes it more realistic if Hermione makes at least four references to 'Hogwarts: a History' throughout the course of the story. There is also the threat that is Draco Malfoy.'
Suddenly, Harry heard a rumbling above his head.
'Uhh, professor?' he said. 'I think the Mary Sues heard you.'
'Don't worry, unless Hermione changes into clever clogs Hermione then they won't find us. They may be beautiful and stuff, but they haven't got half a brain cell between them.'
'Anyway, what were you saying about Draco Malfoy? That horrible, evil, snobbish, totally hot little sex god?'
Lupin looked at Harry strangely for a minute, and then realized it was inevitable that at some point one of the characters would have to say that. 'Yes, Draco Malfoy. The fangirls want you to end up with him. It is likely that you will end up with him. This is a universe where slash rules all. Do not underestimate it. Beware of the author and the fangirls. They will crush your spirit and destroy your schedule. Finally, beware when you hear loud groans or crashes coming from various rooms in this fanfiction.'
'Why, is Voldemort in them causing havoc?'
'Perhaps. Just stay clear of them and I'll tell you what's actually happening when you're older. And drunk. Remember, round here every character is as randy as hell,' Lupin finished his speech pleasantly, and smiled pleasantly. Harry decided to go to his room and be angsty for a few hours, while Lupin went to check that the twins weren't playing the 'triangle game' with Professor D'Answick again. He really thought there was two much twincest for just one house.
A few hours later, when he had defeated Voldemort, won three Oscars and won the Quidditch world cup, Harry decided to go for a walk to see if he could unearth the lost treasure of Black family that Sirius had secretly told him about before he died and was hidden beneath the floorboards on the first floor. He heard grunts and bangs coming from one of the rooms and, so there isn't the long and boring revelation later in fic in the form of a serious conversation, he ignored Lupin's advice and walked right in. This was quickly followed by him walking right out again.
'We're sorry Harry!' shouted Hermione.
'We really didn't mean for you to find out this way!' shouted Lupin pleasantly.
Harry wondered briefly where and when the sanity disappeared, when he chanced upon another room with crashes and other strange noises coming from it. Thinking that this time it must be Voldemort killing people, he again wandered in then quickly backed out again.
'I'm sorry Harry,' shouted Tonks.
'We really didn't want you to find out this way either, but the author couldn't be bothered to think of a different way for you to find out,' shouted Ron, as Harry quickly ran away to be sick, and accept another Oscar. As he passed an elaborate bathroom that had defiantly not been there a chapter ago, he heard more odd noises coming from the 'forbidden wing' which had dropped out of the sky and onto the side of Grimmauld place about three minutes beforehand. He was ready to ignore it; he wasn't stupid enough to fall for it a third time. But even as he got ready to walk in the opposite direction, he heard Voldemort's voice, and Dumbledore's girlish screams of terror.
'Now I've got you Dumbledore!' Voldemort shouted, as Dumbledore squeaked.
'NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!' bellowed Harry as he dived into the room wand raised. 'I'll save y- AHHH! MY EYES! DOESN'T ANYONE ROUND HERE KNOW HOW TO LOCK A DOOR!' Harry stumbled around the room with him hands covering his eyes, trying to find the exit.
'Harry, it's not what it looks like!'
'Oh yeah? So it's not Albus Dumbledore naked and on all fours whilst Voldemort stands over him dressed in leather and holding a whip, in some sort of perverted sexual game?'
'Well, I guess it's exactly what it looks like then.'
Harry finally found the exit, and uncovered his now tainted eyes. He would never, ever enter a room again without consulting someone else first. Though, as he rounded a corner, he discovered that some residents of Grimmauld place didn't even feel the need to shut themselves in a room.
'Ginny! What would your mother say about this! And Sirius, aren't you supposed to be dead?'
A/N- I've said it before, and I'll say it again; you don't HAVE to review, but it would cheer me up. I trod on my own foot yesterday and my big toenail came off.
