The
Apple Tree War (cont.)
By tikitikirevenge
Legal
note: All the characters in this story are owned by- hmm. I'm not
actually sure who owns them.
Suffice to say that I don't.
However, I can do a good grapefruit impression! Do you want to see
it? Here:
CENSORED
Act 2 - Conflict; Complication; Candy coated super-ellipsoids
"You can
take a bird out of his nest," squawked Pitch. "But you can't
take the nest out of me!"
Rick and Chuchu exchanged wary
glances.
"You have a nest inside you?" said Rick.
Pitch
thought about that.
"Metaphorically," he decided.
"So I
can't use the scalpel?" said Chuchu, disappointed.
"You
still can," said Rick. "But you won't find anything but a lack
of spine."
"Are you calling me gutless?" said Pitch
fiercely.
"No, spineless."
"Oh. That's okay, then. As a
ma- hey! I am not spineless!"
"You have no backbone,"
said Chuchu. "Unlike me. As I am an octopus. A kind of mollusc.
Molluscs inherently being invertebrates."
Pitch glared angrily
at Chuchu. "All right, then. I'll help you beat Kirby. But not
because you threatened me.
"You see, there comes a time when a
bird realises that the most important thing of all is friendship. And
if the only way to preserve our sacred bond of friendship is for me
to beat the living daylights out of my pal Kirby, so be it. After
all, I-"
A large rock landed on Pitch. And this wasn't just
any rock. This was the only inanimate rock in the entire star
system!
"Oh, my," said Rick in awe. "Is that a non-living
rock?"
Chuchu shook her head in disbelief. "I believe
so."
"Mmmph!" said a small, ugly, irrelevant little bird
stuck under the rock. And seeing as nobody like Pitch anyhow, I think
he'll stay there for at least the duration of this sentence.
Pitch
was in terrible, terrible pain as a kind of karmic retribution for
getting in the way half the time when the author was trying to play
Dreamland 3. He shuddered, and screamed, and- what? No takers for
Pitch torture? Okay, moving right along:
"Kirby, you're
never going to survive in a fight if you keep stuffing your face with
melons."
Kirby ignored Nago.
"If you don't stop eating
those melons, Kirby, I'll scratch you!"
Kirby looked around
desperately for a distraction. "Look! A mindless rock!"
"Ha!"
said Nago, making that evil smile-like face. "There are no
inanimate rocks on the whole of Pop Star!"
The inanimate rock
ironically landed on Nago.
"Okay, maybe I was wrong,"
considered Nago.
The rock rolled off him to perpetrate further
dastardly deeds.
Kirby sat up. "Two hundred sextillion
watermelons in three minutes! That's got to be a record."
"Quite
possibly," said Nago. "But as for the task at hand: insofar as I
can tell, we have a lot of opposition. I think that Chuchu has a lot
of support on her side. We need some way to get a few of her friends
onto our side instead."
"What about Rick?" said Kirby. "I
can fake his handwriting. Blackmail is fun."
"And how exactly
would that work?"
Kirby produced a candy pen and a large leaf,
and quickly scribbled something down.
Nago picked up the leaf and
read. "Wow, it's just like Rick's handwr- 'I, Rik teh amstur,
iz dooing eevl stuf'?"
"It has to be incriminating,"
explained Kirby.
"But Rick doesn't spell like that."
"That's
why it's called blackmail. If anyone sees that in Rick's writing,
he'll be the laughing stock of Pop Star."
"I doubt that,"
said Nago. "How about this picture of Rick pretending to- well, you
know?"
Kirby looked at it. "Amazing! How did you mock that one
up?"
"I didn't."
"Excuse me for a minute," said
Kirby, walking outside of Nago's makeshift home.
Nago waited
patiently.
"HA HA HA HA HA! RICK… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… HAS
AN IMAGINATION! HA HA HA HA HA HA AA HA HA HA HA!"
Kirby came
back in.
"I'm done now," he said.
Nago smacked himself in
the forehead with one paw. "How are we supposed to threaten Rick
without going behind enemy lines?"
"Maybe if we spend someone
expendable," said Kirby.
Kirby and Nago stared at each other for
a moment.
"YOU!" they shouted, pointing at each other at the
same time.
They both laughed hard. "Ha, of all the
coincidences," chuckled Nago.
"Yeah, it's ju-"
"YOU!"
they shouted, pointing at each other at the same time.
"Helph,"
said Gooey, whose tongue was still stuck to a snow-waddledee.
Nago
and Kirby grinned maliciously.
"Leath me heah!" said Gooey,
changing his mind. "Pleath leath me here!"
Meta Knight
stood at the edge of the Neo Star chasm, pondering.
Dark Matter
rose up from the depths below. "Finally," it said. "I have
you."
"No!" said Meta Knight, raising his sword. "You'll
never take me."
Dark Matter charged.
A large rock landed on
top of Dark Matter. "Argh!" it exclaimed. "I've been crushed
by a stone!"
"Not just any stone," said Meta Knight. "That's
an inanimate stone! That must be the only one light-hours
around!"
"Really? Wow! I've been crushed by a non-thinking
rock!" Dark Matter shivered in delight, imagining the reverence
that surely would be felt when a tell-all biography was
published.
"If you're thinking of writing a book about this,"
said Meta Knight, "give me a copy. It would never have happened
without me."
"Would too!"
"Would not."
"Would
so."
"Wouldn't."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"Shut
up," said Nightmare, approaching them. "I have a Nruff!"
"My
sword will beat your Nruff any day," said Meta Knight.
"Let's
have a Kirby Spinners Duel to find out!" said Nightmare.
"You're
on."
After considering the wisdom of the Nago's cattle
prods, Gooey had decided that he would go over to Rick after
all.
"Hi, Gooey," said Rick, seeing him approach. "Whatcha
doin'?"
"I go to blackmail you," explained Gooey.
"Ha!"
said Rick. "You don't have anything to blackmail me with, unless
you have the photo which shows me masquerading as-"
Gooey showed
the photo of Rick 'masquerading as-' to Rick. Rick
gulped.
"Kirby, you help beat Chuchu, or someone see photo,"
warned Gooey.
"What's wrong?" said Chuchu, walking up to
them. "Is he harassing you?"
"Yes," said Rick. "He's
try-"
"Shut up, Rick." Chuchu looked at Gooey. "Is he
harassing you?"
"No?" said Gooey.
"What's going on,
guys?"
"He," said Rick, pointing at Gooey, "is trying to
blackmail me into fighting against you."
"Gooey…" said
Chuchu. "That's not very nice."
"Yes it is!" said Gooey,
literally drooling over a pile of sandwiches.
"Ew! That's
disgusting!"
"What are you gonna do?" said Gooey, dancing
from side to side.
"Must… keep… calm…" the octopus
muttered.
"I lick you!" Gooey's tongue hit Chuchu, and
hard.
Chuchu switched to not-so-nice-girl mode. Her tentacles shot
up, aimed at Gooey's left eye…
Gooey was saved from the wrath
of Chuchu when a giant rock landed on top of him, giving him all the
protection he needed.
"Good rock!"
"Grrr…" said
Chuchu. The rock rolled off Gooey.
"You know," said Rick, "for
an inanimate object, this rock takes threats seriously."
"No
kidding," said Chuchu, pounding Gooey to a pulp. "Maybe that's
not really a rock."
"Then what is it?" said Rick.
"A
stone?"
They both laughed merrily. "Good one," said Rick. "A
stone! Ha ha ha!"
Gooey, battered and bruised, managed to grab a
fragment of lollipop with his tongue. Over-cute music began to
play.
"Look out!" screamed Chuchu, but too late, as Gooey went
running at full speed, collecting Rick as he zoomed out through Cappy
town and its residents.
"Mummy," said a small Cappy wandering
the streets. "Why is there a hole in that nice man?" (NT:
Spelling of 'mummy' may vary between regions.)
"That's
nice, dearie," said King Dedede, who was posing as a small female
Cappy (quite unsuccessfully, I might add).
"You're not my
mummy!"
"I'm not, dearie?"
"Mummy doesn't say
dearie! Mummy says shut the f-" onomatopoeia blocked out the next
word "- up!"
"Curses," said Dedede. "Okay, I'm not
your mother. I am King Dedede. I challenge you to a duel!"
Dedede
and the Cappy child produced tiny little paper fans.
"How on
earth are you going to duel here?" said a conveniently placed
bystander.
"It's simple," said Kirby. "They stand there
silently until the light shines just right, then they slap each other
silly."
"Ah," said the enlightened stranger.
Dedede and
the Cappy child looked at each other calmly. The sky turned a deep
orange.
A quiet yet tense Spanish riff sounded from a nearby
house.
A brief silence as the two foes stared each other down.
The
light shone just right, bouncing off a weird reflective contraption
to give the appearance of a large exclamation mark, floating in the
air.
They slapped each other simultaneously, and fainted
simultaneously.
"That was unexciting," said Kirby.
A Waddle
Dee nodded, then noticed who had spoken. It fled, waving its
arms.
"Oh well," said Kirby, "at least all isn't lost. I
trust you've found Rick?"
Gooey ran up, stars still flashing
on his body. "Yesh!" he said.
"Good boy, Gooey. Run along."
Kirby turned to Rick. "This is going to be fun," he smiled
menacingly.
"Do you expect me to talk?" said Rick
bitterly.
"No," said Kirby. "I expect you to dye."
"You
can't do this to me!"
"No," said Kirby. "While you're
tied to this paper crane, you can't escape. I can do anything to
you, even kill you. And you are going to dye."
"Oh,
please no!" wailed Rick. "Don't kill me!"
"Oh, it won't
be me who kills you," said Kirby.
"But I don't wanna
dye!" sobbed Rick.
"Too late."
Coo picked up on the
first ring. "Hello?" he said.
"You've got to help me,"
came a voice at the other end of the phone. "They've kidnapped
me. I- I found a Star phone on the floor. Please! I need help. You've
got to save me! I think they want to k- but I'm not going to dye.
If you help. Please! Or I'll dye!"
Coo hung up.
"Whispy."
"What is it, Coo?"
"Somebody has kidnapped
our mutual friend Rick. I think they want him to dye."
"Oh
no," said Whispy Woods. "Okay. Let me think."
"Is there
anything we can do to help him?" said Coo.
"Yes. There is a
secret compound, made from the very apples the people fight over. It
is useful both as a weapon and a diversion, as its taste is
irresistible, and it has a pH of 15."
"A pH of 15?"
"Yes.
It is called apple sause. Pronounced with an emphasis on the 's',
unlike 'sauce'."
"I heard you say that already."
"Well,
just in the event that there is somebody out there reading about our
every action, now it's quite clear that whoever is writing about us
doesn't spell badly. Now quick! We must prepare the sause before
Rick dyes."
"So how do we make this sause?"
"You see
all those walking trees in the nearby clearing? They're all my
children."
"Do you have parents?"
"No, don't be
stupid. Flowering plants do not have parents."
"But you
just-"
"Quiet. Now once upon a time, I had a child. She was
called… I forget. And before you ask, I know it was a she because
she always wore a ribbon in her leaves. On Pop Star, that's a
guaranteed sign of femininity."
"Okay."
"Well, I asked
her to go to my granny an-"
"You just said that you didn't
have parents!"
"Are you blaming me for continuity
errors? Give me a moment… aha! I meant Migrannie. An old, wise…
er… talking tulip. Anything goes here. So this little apple tree
went to good ol' 'Grannie to discover the apple sause
recipe."
"So what is it?"
Whispy looked firmly at Coo.
"Are you sure you're ready to hear this?"
"As ready as I
ever will be."
Coo waited. Whispy paused to contemplate.
Finally, he looked at Coo.
"Alas, Sally didn't pay
attention when 'Grannie taught her the apple sause recipe. It
was lost eternally. As in forever."
"So the entire point of
that anecdote was?"
Whispy explained to Coo the point of the
anecdote.
"Oh," said
Coo.
"Yeah."
"Mm-hmm."
"Mm-hmm."
"So."
"So."
Chuchu,
Pitch and Dynablade stormed towards Nago's home, where Rick was
being held captive.
"I just hope we aren't too late," said
Pitch.
Inside, Rick screamed as Kirby continued to torture him. "Aagh!" screamed Rick. "I'm dyeing! I'm dyeing!"
"Let's go!" Pitch rammed into the door, but
was nowhere near heavy enough to break it. He dropped to the
ground.
Everyone stared at him.
"He said he knew how to open
doors," said Chuchu sadly. "He was a great bird."
They
jumped inside through the hole-in-the-wall hole in the wall.
"Stop
right there!" said Dynablade.
Kirby turned around and smiled.
"What are you gonna do to me? Grab me and fly away?" he
challenged.
Dynablade grabbed him and flew away.
"Are you
okay, Rick?" said Chuchu, approaching the hamster.
"They made
me dye," said Rick softly. "They wanted all of these ghost
costumes dyed pink so that they could pose as females and infiltrate
our homes."
"Your paws – they're pink!"
"I'll be
fine. It washes out."
"Okay, then," said Chuchu. "Let's
get the hout of here!"
They did so.
hamster
