The Apple Tree War (cont.)
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: All the characters in this story are owned by- hmm. I'm not actually sure who owns them.
Suffice to say that I don't. However, I can do a good grapefruit impression! Do you want to see it? Here:
CENSORED

Act 2 - Conflict; Complication; Candy coated super-ellipsoids

"You can take a bird out of his nest," squawked Pitch. "But you can't take the nest out of me!"
Rick and Chuchu exchanged wary glances.
"You have a nest inside you?" said Rick.
Pitch thought about that.
"Metaphorically," he decided.
"So I can't use the scalpel?" said Chuchu, disappointed.
"You still can," said Rick. "But you won't find anything but a lack of spine."
"Are you calling me gutless?" said Pitch fiercely.
"No, spineless."
"Oh. That's okay, then. As a ma- hey! I am not spineless!"
"You have no backbone," said Chuchu. "Unlike me. As I am an octopus. A kind of mollusc. Molluscs inherently being invertebrates."
Pitch glared angrily at Chuchu. "All right, then. I'll help you beat Kirby. But not because you threatened me.
"You see, there comes a time when a bird realises that the most important thing of all is friendship. And if the only way to preserve our sacred bond of friendship is for me to beat the living daylights out of my pal Kirby, so be it. After all, I-"
A large rock landed on Pitch. And this wasn't just any rock. This was the only inanimate rock in the entire star system!
"Oh, my," said Rick in awe. "Is that a non-living rock?"
Chuchu shook her head in disbelief. "I believe so."
"Mmmph!" said a small, ugly, irrelevant little bird stuck under the rock. And seeing as nobody like Pitch anyhow, I think he'll stay there for at least the duration of this sentence.
Pitch was in terrible, terrible pain as a kind of karmic retribution for getting in the way half the time when the author was trying to play Dreamland 3. He shuddered, and screamed, and- what? No takers for Pitch torture? Okay, moving right along:

"Kirby, you're never going to survive in a fight if you keep stuffing your face with melons."
Kirby ignored Nago.
"If you don't stop eating those melons, Kirby, I'll scratch you!"
Kirby looked around desperately for a distraction. "Look! A mindless rock!"
"Ha!" said Nago, making that evil smile-like face. "There are no inanimate rocks on the whole of Pop Star!"
The inanimate rock ironically landed on Nago.
"Okay, maybe I was wrong," considered Nago.
The rock rolled off him to perpetrate further dastardly deeds.
Kirby sat up. "Two hundred sextillion watermelons in three minutes! That's got to be a record."
"Quite possibly," said Nago. "But as for the task at hand: insofar as I can tell, we have a lot of opposition. I think that Chuchu has a lot of support on her side. We need some way to get a few of her friends onto our side instead."
"What about Rick?" said Kirby. "I can fake his handwriting. Blackmail is fun."
"And how exactly would that work?"
Kirby produced a candy pen and a large leaf, and quickly scribbled something down.
Nago picked up the leaf and read. "Wow, it's just like Rick's handwr- 'I, Rik teh amstur, iz dooing eevl stuf'?"
"It has to be incriminating," explained Kirby.
"But Rick doesn't spell like that."
"That's why it's called blackmail. If anyone sees that in Rick's writing, he'll be the laughing stock of Pop Star."
"I doubt that," said Nago. "How about this picture of Rick pretending to- well, you know?"
Kirby looked at it. "Amazing! How did you mock that one up?"
"I didn't."
"Excuse me for a minute," said Kirby, walking outside of Nago's makeshift home.
Nago waited patiently.
"HA HA HA HA HA! RICK… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… HAS AN IMAGINATION! HA HA HA HA HA HA AA HA HA HA HA!"
Kirby came back in.
"I'm done now," he said.
Nago smacked himself in the forehead with one paw. "How are we supposed to threaten Rick without going behind enemy lines?"
"Maybe if we spend someone expendable," said Kirby.
Kirby and Nago stared at each other for a moment.
"YOU!" they shouted, pointing at each other at the same time.
They both laughed hard. "Ha, of all the coincidences," chuckled Nago.
"Yeah, it's ju-"
"YOU!" they shouted, pointing at each other at the same time.
"Helph," said Gooey, whose tongue was still stuck to a snow-waddledee.
Nago and Kirby grinned maliciously.
"Leath me heah!" said Gooey, changing his mind. "Pleath leath me here!"

Meta Knight stood at the edge of the Neo Star chasm, pondering.
Dark Matter rose up from the depths below. "Finally," it said. "I have you."
"No!" said Meta Knight, raising his sword. "You'll never take me."
Dark Matter charged.
A large rock landed on top of Dark Matter. "Argh!" it exclaimed. "I've been crushed by a stone!"
"Not just any stone," said Meta Knight. "That's an inanimate stone! That must be the only one light-hours around!"
"Really? Wow! I've been crushed by a non-thinking rock!" Dark Matter shivered in delight, imagining the reverence that surely would be felt when a tell-all biography was published.
"If you're thinking of writing a book about this," said Meta Knight, "give me a copy. It would never have happened without me."
"Would too!"
"Would not."
"Would so."
"Wouldn't."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"So."
"Not."
"Shut up," said Nightmare, approaching them. "I have a Nruff!"
"My sword will beat your Nruff any day," said Meta Knight.
"Let's have a Kirby Spinners Duel to find out!" said Nightmare.
"You're on."

After considering the wisdom of the Nago's cattle prods, Gooey had decided that he would go over to Rick after all.
"Hi, Gooey," said Rick, seeing him approach. "Whatcha doin'?"
"I go to blackmail you," explained Gooey.
"Ha!" said Rick. "You don't have anything to blackmail me with, unless you have the photo which shows me masquerading as-"
Gooey showed the photo of Rick 'masquerading as-' to Rick. Rick gulped.
"Kirby, you help beat Chuchu, or someone see photo," warned Gooey.
"What's wrong?" said Chuchu, walking up to them. "Is he harassing you?"
"Yes," said Rick. "He's try-"
"Shut up, Rick." Chuchu looked at Gooey. "Is he harassing you?"
"No?" said Gooey.
"What's going on, guys?"
"He," said Rick, pointing at Gooey, "is trying to blackmail me into fighting against you."
"Gooey…" said Chuchu. "That's not very nice."
"Yes it is!" said Gooey, literally drooling over a pile of sandwiches.
"Ew! That's disgusting!"
"What are you gonna do?" said Gooey, dancing from side to side.
"Must… keep… calm…" the octopus muttered.
"I lick you!" Gooey's tongue hit Chuchu, and hard.
Chuchu switched to not-so-nice-girl mode. Her tentacles shot up, aimed at Gooey's left eye…
Gooey was saved from the wrath of Chuchu when a giant rock landed on top of him, giving him all the protection he needed.
"Good rock!"
"Grrr…" said Chuchu. The rock rolled off Gooey.
"You know," said Rick, "for an inanimate object, this rock takes threats seriously."
"No kidding," said Chuchu, pounding Gooey to a pulp. "Maybe that's not really a rock."
"Then what is it?" said Rick.
"A stone?"
They both laughed merrily. "Good one," said Rick. "A stone! Ha ha ha!"
Gooey, battered and bruised, managed to grab a fragment of lollipop with his tongue. Over-cute music began to play.
"Look out!" screamed Chuchu, but too late, as Gooey went running at full speed, collecting Rick as he zoomed out through Cappy town and its residents.
"Mummy," said a small Cappy wandering the streets. "Why is there a hole in that nice man?" (NT: Spelling of 'mummy' may vary between regions.)
"That's nice, dearie," said King Dedede, who was posing as a small female Cappy (quite unsuccessfully, I might add).
"You're not my mummy!"
"I'm not, dearie?"
"Mummy doesn't say dearie! Mummy says shut the f-" onomatopoeia blocked out the next word "- up!"
"Curses," said Dedede. "Okay, I'm not your mother. I am King Dedede. I challenge you to a duel!"
Dedede and the Cappy child produced tiny little paper fans.
"How on earth are you going to duel here?" said a conveniently placed bystander.
"It's simple," said Kirby. "They stand there silently until the light shines just right, then they slap each other silly."
"Ah," said the enlightened stranger.
Dedede and the Cappy child looked at each other calmly. The sky turned a deep orange.
A quiet yet tense Spanish riff sounded from a nearby house.
A brief silence as the two foes stared each other down.
The light shone just right, bouncing off a weird reflective contraption to give the appearance of a large exclamation mark, floating in the air.
They slapped each other simultaneously, and fainted simultaneously.
"That was unexciting," said Kirby.
A Waddle Dee nodded, then noticed who had spoken. It fled, waving its arms.
"Oh well," said Kirby, "at least all isn't lost. I trust you've found Rick?"
Gooey ran up, stars still flashing on his body. "Yesh!" he said.
"Good boy, Gooey. Run along." Kirby turned to Rick. "This is going to be fun," he smiled menacingly.
"Do you expect me to talk?" said Rick bitterly.
"No," said Kirby. "I expect you to dye."
"You can't do this to me!"
"No," said Kirby. "While you're tied to this paper crane, you can't escape. I can do anything to you, even kill you. And you are going to dye."
"Oh, please no!" wailed Rick. "Don't kill me!"
"Oh, it won't be me who kills you," said Kirby.
"But I don't wanna dye!" sobbed Rick.
"Too late."

Coo picked up on the first ring. "Hello?" he said.
"You've got to help me," came a voice at the other end of the phone. "They've kidnapped me. I- I found a Star phone on the floor. Please! I need help. You've got to save me! I think they want to k- but I'm not going to dye. If you help. Please! Or I'll dye!"
Coo hung up. "Whispy."
"What is it, Coo?"
"Somebody has kidnapped our mutual friend Rick. I think they want him to dye."
"Oh no," said Whispy Woods. "Okay. Let me think."
"Is there anything we can do to help him?" said Coo.
"Yes. There is a secret compound, made from the very apples the people fight over. It is useful both as a weapon and a diversion, as its taste is irresistible, and it has a pH of 15."
"A pH of 15?"
"Yes. It is called apple sause. Pronounced with an emphasis on the 's', unlike 'sauce'."
"I heard you say that already."
"Well, just in the event that there is somebody out there reading about our every action, now it's quite clear that whoever is writing about us doesn't spell badly. Now quick! We must prepare the sause before Rick dyes."
"So how do we make this sause?"
"You see all those walking trees in the nearby clearing? They're all my children."
"Do you have parents?"
"No, don't be stupid. Flowering plants do not have parents."
"But you just-"
"Quiet. Now once upon a time, I had a child. She was called… I forget. And before you ask, I know it was a she because she always wore a ribbon in her leaves. On Pop Star, that's a guaranteed sign of femininity."
"Okay."
"Well, I asked her to go to my granny an-"
"You just said that you didn't have parents!"
"Are you blaming me for continuity errors? Give me a moment… aha! I meant Migrannie. An old, wise… er… talking tulip. Anything goes here. So this little apple tree went to good ol' 'Grannie to discover the apple sause recipe."
"So what is it?"
Whispy looked firmly at Coo. "Are you sure you're ready to hear this?"
"As ready as I ever will be."
Coo waited. Whispy paused to contemplate. Finally, he looked at Coo.
"Alas, Sally didn't pay attention when 'Grannie taught her the apple sause recipe. It was lost eternally. As in forever."
"So the entire point of that anecdote was?"
Whispy explained to Coo the point of the anecdote.
"Oh," said Coo.
"Yeah."
"Mm-hmm."
"Mm-hmm."
"So."
"So."

Chuchu, Pitch and Dynablade stormed towards Nago's home, where Rick was being held captive.
"I just hope we aren't too late," said Pitch.

Inside, Rick screamed as Kirby continued to torture him. "Aagh!" screamed Rick. "I'm dyeing! I'm dyeing!"

"Let's go!" Pitch rammed into the door, but was nowhere near heavy enough to break it. He dropped to the ground.
Everyone stared at him.
"He said he knew how to open doors," said Chuchu sadly. "He was a great bird."
They jumped inside through the hole-in-the-wall hole in the wall.
"Stop right there!" said Dynablade.
Kirby turned around and smiled. "What are you gonna do to me? Grab me and fly away?" he challenged.
Dynablade grabbed him and flew away.
"Are you okay, Rick?" said Chuchu, approaching the hamster.
"They made me dye," said Rick softly. "They wanted all of these ghost costumes dyed pink so that they could pose as females and infiltrate our homes."
"Your paws – they're pink!"
"I'll be fine. It washes out."
"Okay, then," said Chuchu. "Let's get the hout of here!"
They did so.

hamster